Advice to younger women to marry wisely

[Anonymous]

Marry the one who you want making your end of life decisions and possibly wiping your butt when you can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice would be to focus first on yourself. Figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Be realistic about what marriage entails. Be open to experiences and people that may not immediately check off every box. Let go of the fairy tales. Don't be so hyper-focused on finding the right man. Work on yourself first. That way, you'll increase the chances of making the right decision when you meet the guy who could be the right one when the time comes.

More often than not (obvious red flags aside), we find ourselves having to decide whether to marry someone based upon foresight. You THINK he's this or that based on what you've seen so far, but there's no way to truly know how he will be 5, 10, or 20 years down the road. You just hope the person you picked changes in a way that's compatible with how you will change as you go through life together. There is truly no way to ensure you've married wisely until you reach a point in life where you can look back and make a determination based upon what was right for YOU.

Excellent advice.

I disagree somewhat. Your personality and natural inclinations are pretty much set by mid 20s. Everyone changes with time and experience, but the core of who you/they are and how you/they approach the world does not change much. People who marry 28-32 have the lowest divorce rates.

Life can throw a lot at you. How people respond to all the bumps in the road can surprise you. Also, I don't think how you approach the world stops changing in your 20s. Experiences change you over time in ways you cannot predict.

This is PP. I agree with most of what you said, which is why I find the notion of "finding yourself" before committing to marriage somewhat misguided. There isn't much that you will learn post mid-twenties that will help you make a better match. If that were the case, people who marry later in life or second marriages would be more successful, and they aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice would be to focus first on yourself. Figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Be realistic about what marriage entails. Be open to experiences and people that may not immediately check off every box. Let go of the fairy tales. Don't be so hyper-focused on finding the right man. Work on yourself first. That way, you'll increase the chances of making the right decision when you meet the guy who could be the right one when the time comes.

More often than not (obvious red flags aside), we find ourselves having to decide whether to marry someone based upon foresight. You THINK he's this or that based on what you've seen so far, but there's no way to truly know how he will be 5, 10, or 20 years down the road. You just hope the person you picked changes in a way that's compatible with how you will change as you go through life together. There is truly no way to ensure you've married wisely until you reach a point in life where you can look back and make a determination based upon what was right for YOU.

Excellent advice.

I disagree somewhat. Your personality and natural inclinations are pretty much set by mid 20s. Everyone changes with time and experience, but the core of who you/they are and how you/they approach the world does not change much. People who marry 28-32 have the lowest divorce rates.

That's why getting your career going and focusing on YOU BEFORE you enter marriage are the MOST important things. You never know what will happen in life. You need to 100% be able to support yourself.

Life can throw a lot at you. How people respond to all the bumps in the road can surprise you. Also, I don't think how you approach the world stops changing in your 20s. Experiences change you over time in ways you cannot predict.

This is PP. I agree with most of what you said, which is why I find the notion of "finding yourself" before committing to marriage somewhat misguided. There isn't much that you will learn post mid-twenties that will help you make a better match. If that were the case, people who marry later in life or second marriages would be more successful, and they aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice would be to focus first on yourself. Figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Be realistic about what marriage entails. Be open to experiences and people that may not immediately check off every box. Let go of the fairy tales. Don't be so hyper-focused on finding the right man. Work on yourself first. That way, you'll increase the chances of making the right decision when you meet the guy who could be the right one when the time comes.

More often than not (obvious red flags aside), we find ourselves having to decide whether to marry someone based upon foresight. You THINK he's this or that based on what you've seen so far, but there's no way to truly know how he will be 5, 10, or 20 years down the road. You just hope the person you picked changes in a way that's compatible with how you will change as you go through life together. There is truly no way to ensure you've married wisely until you reach a point in life where you can look back and make a determination based upon what was right for YOU.

Excellent advice.

I disagree somewhat. Your personality and natural inclinations are pretty much set by mid 20s. Everyone changes with time and experience, but the core of who you/they are and how you/they approach the world does not change much. People who marry 28-32 have the lowest divorce rates.

Life can throw a lot at you. How people respond to all the bumps in the road can surprise you. Also, I don't think how you approach the world stops changing in your 20s. Experiences change you over time in ways you cannot predict.

This is PP. I agree with most of what you said, which is why I find the notion of "finding yourself" before committing to marriage somewhat misguided. There isn't much that you will learn post mid-twenties that will help you make a better match. If that were the case, people who marry later in life or second marriages would be more successful, and they aren't.

That's why getting your career going and focusing on YOU BEFORE you enter marriage are the MOST important things. You never know what will happen in life. You need to 100% be able to support yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Avoid people who put their parents or their parents' relationship on a pedestal. This includes someone with a "good" childhood and "happily" married parents.

My spouse does this and his dad was horrible. It's so weird, once he died he became a Saint. Why do people lie to themselves, I say good riddance.

I am creeped out by people who claim their parents had a perfect marriage -- they are usually out of touch and delusional in other areas of life, too. I say this as someone who is in a very happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they had a f*cked up childhood--a parent was an alcoholic or a serial cheater...RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO matter how much they swear they won't turn out that way...wait 20 years and tell me what happens.

nice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: ...people who marry later in life or second marriages would be more successful, and they aren't.

A big reason second/later life marriages fail is because of kids from previous marriage and the related financial problems and high-conflict ex-spouses.

[Anonymous]

Judge Judy says: Beauty fades, Dumb is forever-
Find someone who is not only intelligent, but also has emotional intelligence
-Financially responsible
- A man/woman should not be the plan- Find your own purpose and be able to self care. Bring something to the table.
-Kind to all including animals
-If you marry outside your culture or race, make sure that you're both open minded about differences and celebrate them and be able to communicate well.
-Someone who has patience and kindness and the same perspective in life
-Agreeable on religion and having or not having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have gotten married. My advice to young women is to think long and hard before legally binding yourself to another person in this way. It’s 2020 and the world is yours— you can have an amazing life without marriage or kids.

I also agree with this. You can also have a great life with no marriage, and still have kids or any of many combinations of existence.

Unfortunately, marriage is still seen as a value marker- if I'm married I'm valuable I'm doing something right

I can't tell you how much I wish someone had made me realize when I was young that marriage and children and not the only way to have a wonderful life. I married too young, before I really knew who I was or what I wanted. Looking back, I remember thinking that getting married meant progressing as a person, but I don't think I could have told you what that progress meant.

This is what I still struggle with. In my late 30s and I do not want kids. When I'm honest with myself, I'm not sure I want to be married. I've worked hard to have a good career and make good money on my own, and the thought of legally entangling myself with someone else in a way that could threaten that scares me. I'm also in a place where I would much rather be single than really compromise finding a best friend and equal partner just to be with someone. My life is good, and marrying is a big risk in a lot of ways. However, it is a constant struggle to not feel valued less by society or feel as though there is something wrong with you when you don't want what everyone else wants all the time.

That being said, I think I've learned a few things about partners along the way:

Emotional health is/should be key to finding/being a good partner. No one is perfect and everyone will have flaws. But the ability to know yourself, have confidence in who you are, recognize your shortcomings, and deal honestly and openly with others is key.

Love is not enough. Love is crucial, but it does not overcome everything. I am a firm believer that you not only have to love someone, but you have to want to live life the same way to make a relationship work. I'm constantly amazed by the number of people I know pursuing marriage with people who, at the end of the day, don't really want the same things out of life in the same ways. "But we love each other!" Great, talk to me in 10 years when you fight about money, where to live, how you like to spend your free time, how much you like to see family...I could go on. You don't have to be the same on everything, but in general, you've got to want life the same way to make it work.

Strongly echo the posters saying the most important thing is to be confident and strong on your own. At the end of the day, no one can predict the future. You never know exactly what you are getting when you get married. People change, life happens. Being happy and secure on your own is the only thing you can control and will make the hard times, with or without someone, that much easier for you to confidently manage and make it out the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have gotten married. My advice to young women is to think long and hard before legally binding yourself to another person in this way. It’s 2020 and the world is yours— you can have an amazing life without marriage or kids.

I also agree with this. You can also have a great life with no marriage, and still have kids or any of many combinations of existence.

Unfortunately, marriage is still seen as a value marker- if I'm married I'm valuable I'm doing something right

I can't tell you how much I wish someone had made me realize when I was young that marriage and children and not the only way to have a wonderful life. I married too young, before I really knew who I was or what I wanted. Looking back, I remember thinking that getting married meant progressing as a person, but I don't think I could have told you what that progress meant.

This is what I still struggle with. In my late 30s and I do not want kids. When I'm honest with myself, I'm not sure I want to be married. I've worked hard to have a good career and make good money on my own, and the thought of legally entangling myself with someone else in a way that could threaten that scares me. I'm also in a place where I would much rather be single than really compromise finding a best friend and equal partner just to be with someone. My life is good, and marrying is a big risk in a lot of ways. However, it is a constant struggle to not feel valued less by society or feel as though there is something wrong with you when you don't want what everyone else wants all the time.

That being said, I think I've learned a few things about partners along the way:

Emotional health is/should be key to finding/being a good partner. No one is perfect and everyone will have flaws. But the ability to know yourself, have confidence in who you are, recognize your shortcomings, and deal honestly and openly with others is key.

Love is not enough. Love is crucial, but it does not overcome everything. I am a firm believer that you not only have to love someone, but you have to want to live life the same way to make a relationship work. I'm constantly amazed by the number of people I know pursuing marriage with people who, at the end of the day, don't really want the same things out of life in the same ways. "But we love each other!" Great, talk to me in 10 years when you fight about money, where to live, how you like to spend your free time, how much you like to see family...I could go on. You don't have to be the same on everything, but in general, you've got to want life the same way to make it work.

Strongly echo the posters saying the most important thing is to be confident and strong on your own. At the end of the day, no one can predict the future. You never know exactly what you are getting when you get married. People change, life happens. Being happy and secure on your own is the only thing you can control and will make the hard times, with or without someone, that much easier for you to confidently manage and make it out the other side.

You really should not get married. There is nothing wrong with that. It is a huge risk. I do not understand why anyone would financially entangle themselves with anyone after the age of 35--especially if no kids planned.

I thought marriage was a huge risk in my early 30s. It was not worth it. I am divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs have mentioned the obvious red flags.

I look around people that I know, both socially and from work. There are a lot of good men out there, but the best husbands are those that are hard working and have a more laid back personality. They may not be the most physically attractive, but a chill, funny man will outlast anyone who does not have that quality.

Pay close attention to his personality. Is he generally very defensive to any negative feedback? Yes Does he always see the glass as half empty? Yes Can he shrug off setbacks in life and pick himself up? Yes


So what does this mean?

[Anonymous]

1) Would you ever give away a pet because you felt like moving somewhere that didn't allow them, or because you decided you wanted to travel for an extended time?
2) If you won the lottery, what if anything would you change about your life?
3) Does he believe parents should pay for children's college costs or are children on their own as adults once they turn 18? Should parents do whatever it takes (within reason) to make their kid's dreams come true? For example, if Larla gets into Princeton but you only saved enough for UMD, how would the two of you handle that?
4) If he got sick or injured and couldn't continue in his chosen career and/or earn as much, can he imagine himself still finding happiness in life?
5) Does the person's "Love Language" match yours? This could impact on how much work it will take for him meet your emotional needs and the likelihood that he will.
6) How does spending throughout life on experiences (travel, parties. dinners out, weddings, etc...) balance with saving for a financial security, retirement and so on?
7) Are you on the same page about your financial status, financial goals, and the financial situation in your families of origin? Many people assume that the other person "gets" that they value a meaningful vocation over a big paycheck, or that they expect to stop working once a baby comes along. Other questions along these lines: Is he willing to invest in you and you in him to meet your goals, like by paying for grad school or forgoing income while you get more training or education? Does he assume it's an option for him to one day leave behind his lucrative career to pursue his true calling as a musician or kindergarten teacher? If you're not okay with that, you need to know before walking down the aisle and having kids with him. And likewise, how would he feel if you changed your current career trajectory?
8) What does he believe you would each "owe" one another if you were to divorce? (Frankly, I think that people should be required to do a prenup, especially if they hope to have children. The shit that comes out during divorce proceedings is mind blowing. Dads not wanting to pay child support because mom might spend it on things she'd also enjoy, trying to minimize how much he has to spend on child support, being fine with the kids watching their mom suffer financially, etc... SMH.)
9) Does he think that his life no longer being completely under his control mean he's less of a man? I had no idea that my ExH thought that "submitting" to his marriage, even if I did the same, was something awful that caused him tremendous stress.
10) Does he have the ability to laugh at his mistakes? Can he recognize his mistakes or forgive himself for them in a light-hearted way? If he can't forgive his own mistakes, he'll never be able to forgive yours. And since you're only human, you undoubtedly will make some throughout the course of your marriage.
11) Does he think that if he's no longer feeling "in love" with you, this means you should split up? How will he handle this when it inevitably happens? Will he lean in or run?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they had a f*cked up childhood--a parent was an alcoholic or a serial cheater...RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO matter how much they swear they won't turn out that way...wait 20 years and tell me what happens.

My husband's mother was an alcoholic and he's an amazing person and father and I wouldn't trade him for anything. You are wrong about this.

My father was an alcoholic. Are you saying that I should bear the punishment of having to spend the rest of my life alone? What a horrible, mean, insensitive thing to say!!

You don’t have to be alone- just not with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can prepare yourself all you want and still fail. I checked all the right boxes and still married a sociopath! That being said, rather than just focusing on the qualities in a SO, I would encourage all young women to be financially independent, secure and confident in themselves, and enter a marriage knowing that they need to remain financially independent. This way, if the marriage ends, and you're stuck with a manipulating SOB, you can at least get yourself out on the right foot rather than suffer for the next decade financially and emotionally because you married a loser but at the time saw that he was a decent guy.

If you have kids, WAIT to have them till you really know the person. But assuming you did, and then the person changed, be prepared that if you are the one to stay at home, you are setting your career back, so if/when you divorce, you will be picking up several pieces. I cannot stress enough that while you should never enter a relationship expecting its doom, *always* prepare yourself for worst case scenario. I didn't. I trusted my husband. He checked all the right boxes, and then he turned into someone else, ruined me financially and emotionally, and I was left picking up the pieces. I made it, but if I had been prepared, it wouldn't have been so hard. You might think this will never be you. So did I.

This.

The best advice my parents gave us was to always have our own form of income because you never know what will happen in life or what anyone can become.

They had an extremely happy, loving 52 year marriage until my dad passed away.

My husband checked all the boxes and then some. He fooled all of us. My parents loved him like a son. Friends thought he was the greatest. People were jealous of our marriage and the way he treated me. He was a great father and very successful.

About 15 years into marriage he started changing, anger at little things, moody. His personality disorder (which his dad - alcoholic, serial cheater narcissist) slowly started emerging. He started a full in double life so eerily seamlessly and convincing for the past four years. Nobody would have guessed—with a woman he met in the Internet that is just as shady in her marriage.

I never would have predicted this in my wildest dreams. My dad is now deceased and he was the smartest, most insightful could see through everyone would be horrified he did this to me and his grandkids. I still haven’t told my mom. It will kill her. She always speaks so highly of him and all he’s done for our family, not just immediate.

I am so thankful I listened to my mom and dad and I’m 25 years into a well-paying career with great health benefits and a good retirement. I can’t imagine having this happen if I gave up working 15 years ago when I had my firstborn.

It’s a risk. You can check all the boxes, have everyone you respect and adore tell you he’s the greatest and years later be left in awe that the owes in yuh trusted and believed in most had zero character, morals or integrity.


I didn't listen. I was naive, and gave up a career in biglaw for him and his career. what is your advice to people like me?

Worry less about the man and more about how you will support yourself the rest of your life. Only when you have a career that will let you achieve what you want out if life should you even consider marriage...and do NOT give up all employment for your spouse. Ever. Yuh can find flexible jobs, go part-time when kids are young but MEVER take your foot out if the working world.

[Anonymous]

A man who can talk about feelings!!