Advice to younger women to marry wisely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband (who in many ways is an exceptional spouse and parent) had an idyllic childhood. I did not. In some ways I think he has a sort of bizarre naïveté about people’s motives etc. I don’t have that problem. While I agree that family dysfunction can reappear in successive generations, sometimes some contact with imperfection can bring wisdom.

Very well put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No substance abuse
Wants to be employed
Good sense of humor
Good follow through - calls when promised, helps others when committed to doing so

At first sight this seems small, but it is an excellent filter.

I agree totally. This is the sleeper advice. Covers so many bases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband (who in many ways is an exceptional spouse and parent) had an idyllic childhood. I did not. In some ways I think he has a sort of bizarre naïveté about people’s motives etc. I don’t have that problem. While I agree that family dysfunction can reappear in successive generations, sometimes some contact with imperfection can bring wisdom.

Very well put.

+1 I strongly agree with this. DH had people looking out for him during his childhood. I did not, and as a result I have a ton more street smarts than him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wait until you are older before getting married. have your education, have a job and a way to support yourself

+1000

[Anonymous]

If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have gotten married. My advice to young women is to think long and hard before legally binding yourself to another person in this way. It’s 2020 and the world is yours— you can have an amazing life without marriage or kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Compromise on looks and status, do not compromise on kindness, decency, and compatibility.

Marry mostly for love, but marry a leeeeeetle bit for money. As in, make sure he has a plan for his career. And make sure you have a plan for yours.

Watch how he interacts with waitstaff, small children, and animals. If he treats any of these poorly, he is a garbage type of person.

I think this is great advice! I didn’t realize I was doing this, but I did. DH and I have been together 11 years. He was outside my typical type but checks all of the above boxes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice would be to focus first on yourself. Figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Be realistic about what marriage entails. Be open to experiences and people that may not immediately check off every box. Let go of the fairy tales. Don't be so hyper-focused on finding the right man. Work on yourself first. That way, you'll increase the chances of making the right decision when you meet the guy who could be the right one when the time comes.

More often than not (obvious red flags aside), we find ourselves having to decide whether to marry someone based upon foresight. You THINK he's this or that based on what you've seen so far, but there's no way to truly know how he will be 5, 10, or 20 years down the road. You just hope the person you picked changes in a way that's compatible with how you will change as you go through life together. There is truly no way to ensure you've married wisely until you reach a point in life where you can look back and make a determination based upon what was right for YOU.

This is really great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have gotten married. My advice to young women is to think long and hard before legally binding yourself to another person in this way. It’s 2020 and the world is yours— you can have an amazing life without marriage or kids.

I also agree with this. You can also have a great life with no marriage, and still have kids or any of many combinations of existence.

Unfortunately, marriage is still seen as a value marker- if I'm married I'm valuable I'm doing something right

[Anonymous]

I've had a lot of luck listening to friends/family opinion of the person, however my mother was dead wrong about my husband. She got hung up on shit that didn't matter. Like my husband has bachelor and masters degrees but they were from online programs so they don't count. She also didn't like that he was divorced, but he initiated it and his reasoning was very logical to me so to me, it was not the red flag she was making it out to be (she was convinced his story wasn't what actually happened). So anyway it's a good filter but not 100% reliable.

[Anonymous]

I have been with my DH for 20 years, happy marriage, great guy, but I agree with a pp who said people change. So there is an element of unknown to it.

These are the top things to look for and I think you can get a feel for many pretty quickly:

Record of being a hard worker
Industrious - as in a combo of clever and gets things done
Values family/having a family is very important to him
Is civil, humane and fair with others, regardless of their station in life

Other things that I think are important are mutual attraction and having similar values.

Please note that many A type a**holes can have many of these qualities but they don’t treat others fairly, many women overlook this.

[Anonymous]

Avoid introverts ... women suck it up but male introverts stink at parenting.

[Anonymous]

Don’t stop working. Find a husband who will be an actual partner, including for home/parenting tasks. Don’t marry someone whose parents are alcoholics/cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we all know the big red flags but smaller flags IMO... a parent still makes their medical appointments, does their taxes, hires someone to clean their house, over involved in very basic adult responsibilities, etc. These tasks will all fall on you once you are together. Another (if you value special occasions or gifts) they never remember birthdays, they don’t shop for gifts, never think to bring a dish or a gift if they are a houseguest.

Basically just a failure to launch. I dated someone with an engineering graduate degree who was very smart but was basically looking for a replacement parent not a spouse. A lot of the issues I see mentioned are smaller things that actually increase your emotional labor later on. This is true for both genders.

YES!!!!

[Anonymous]

Agree that if their father cheated they will cheat no matter what

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband (who in many ways is an exceptional spouse and parent) had an idyllic childhood. I did not. In some ways I think he has a sort of bizarre naïveté about people’s motives etc. I don’t have that problem. While I agree that family dysfunction can reappear in successive generations, sometimes some contact with imperfection can bring wisdom.

Very well put.

+1 I strongly agree with this. DH had people looking out for him during his childhood. I did not, and as a result I have a ton more street smarts than him.

Totally agree! Though it takes an emotionally intelligent person to recognize the negative aspects of their upbringing and do the intentional work to change moving forward.