Advice to younger women to marry wisely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a sexist thread...

Well Yes. Of course. Given the subject, the responses MUST be sexist. Because women want different things in a marriage than men do.
Most obvious one is ... ironically ... sex itself. After 9 pages there have been maybe 1 or 2 posts that even remotely give any advice about "sex".
Clearly this means, to women, sex is just not very important in a marriage, hardly worth mentioning any advice about sex.

Which is EXACTLY what makes "sex" the #1 advice a man would give a younger man on marriage.

I find that lack of attraction is one of the top non-starters for women. So it goes without saying. Advice about sex though is tough because it’s almost impossible to predict how people will change during the course of a marriage.

But here goes my sexist advice on the subject. Good sex is learned, it takes some practice. You have to watch for widely mismatched sex drives. If this is the case early in a relationship, it will be a huge source of conflict once kids come along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can prepare yourself all you want and still fail. I checked all the right boxes and still married a sociopath! That being said, rather than just focusing on the qualities in a SO, I would encourage all young women to be financially independent, secure and confident in themselves, and enter a marriage knowing that they need to remain financially independent. This way, if the marriage ends, and you're stuck with a manipulating SOB, you can at least get yourself out on the right foot rather than suffer for the next decade financially and emotionally because you married a loser but at the time saw that he was a decent guy.

If you have kids, WAIT to have them till you really know the person. But assuming you did, and then the person changed, be prepared that if you are the one to stay at home, you are setting your career back, so if/when you divorce, you will be picking up several pieces. I cannot stress enough that while you should never enter a relationship expecting its doom, *always* prepare yourself for worst case scenario. I didn't. I trusted my husband. He checked all the right boxes, and then he turned into someone else, ruined me financially and emotionally, and I was left picking up the pieces. I made it, but if I had been prepared, it wouldn't have been so hard. You might think this will never be you. So did I.

This.

The best advice my parents gave us was to always have our own form of income because you never know what will happen in life or what anyone can become.

They had an extremely happy, loving 52 year marriage until my dad passed away.

My husband checked all the boxes and then some. He fooled all of us. My parents loved him like a son. Friends thought he was the greatest. People were jealous of our marriage and the way he treated me. He was a great father and very successful.

About 15 years into marriage he started changing, anger at little things, moody. His personality disorder (which his dad - alcoholic, serial cheater narcissist) slowly started emerging. He started a full in double life so eerily seamlessly and convincing for the past four years. Nobody would have guessed—with a woman he met in the Internet that is just as shady in her marriage.

I never would have predicted this in my wildest dreams. My dad is now deceased and he was the smartest, most insightful could see through everyone would be horrified he did this to me and his grandkids. I still haven’t told my mom. It will kill her. She always speaks so highly of him and all he’s done for our family, not just immediate.

I am so thankful I listened to my mom and dad and I’m 25 years into a well-paying career with great health benefits and a good retirement. I can’t imagine having this happen if I gave up working 15 years ago when I had my firstborn.

It’s a risk. You can check all the boxes, have everyone you respect and adore tell you he’s the greatest and years later be left in awe that the owes in yuh trusted and believed in most had zero character, morals or integrity.

Worry less about the man and more about how you will support yourself the rest of your life. Only when you have a career that will let you achieve what you want out if life should you even consider marriage...and do NOT give up all employment for your spouse. Ever. Yuh can find flexible jobs, go part-time when kids are young but MEVER take your foot out if the working world.

I really appreciate these stories. They have so much more value than the "marry someone who is nice to waitresses" people. Anyone else? Lessons or advice? It is very scary and hard to feel like the person you are with is not the same person you married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they had a f*cked up childhood--a parent was an alcoholic or a serial cheater...RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO matter how much they swear they won't turn out that way...wait 20 years and tell me what happens.

Meh. My husband and I both come from messed up childhoods, but we'd been through individual therapy before marrying, and we're an awesome couple and parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they had a f*cked up childhood--a parent was an alcoholic or a serial cheater...RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO matter how much they swear they won't turn out that way...wait 20 years and tell me what happens.

My husband's mother was an alcoholic and he's an amazing person and father and I wouldn't trade him for anything. You are wrong about this.

ACOA and DW of 23 years. I "came out" and told then-BF about my parent's alcoholism and my own eating- disordered past: two shameful secrets I typically kept from most everyone. He loved me and married me anyway, despite my protestations.

I have chosen not to drink any alcohol and DH knows that if I should ever start, he's to intervene because I'm in crisis.

DH sibling now struggles with addiction (late in life). Never could have seen this or predicted, but we are a team and I can help support DH.

A cautionary tale: if a future spouse hides or conceals or tells you 1/2 truths about his or her family of origin, run. My own sibling failed to mention/lied by omission our parent's alcoholism to DW. There was an event with our alcoholic parent about a decade into their marriage and suddenly my sibling had to tell the DW. The spouse was beyond angry and enraged (some played out in front of me) and their marriage (and IL relationship) has never been the same. I wouldn't be surprised if they divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they had a f*cked up childhood--a parent was an alcoholic or a serial cheater...RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO matter how much they swear they won't turn out that way...wait 20 years and tell me what happens.

Meh. My husband and I both come from messed up childhoods, but we'd been through individual therapy before marrying, and we're an awesome couple and parents.

I agree with this too. I would advise avoiding the person who has a messed up childhood, is in denial from it, and hasn't done the work to heal.

[Anonymous]

Avoid people who put their parents or their parents' relationship on a pedestal. This includes someone with a "good" childhood and "happily" married parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really needed this list. I’m 27 and was dating someone who was 28. His dad and mom cheated on each other many times. Ended separated when he was 16. Mom cheated at the family home. Dad came home and found them in bed and physically assaulted moms boyfriend. He has substance abuse and isn’t employed. Was extremely childish and immature. Very petty and snide. Extremely jealous. He also has type 1 Diabetes And was constantly moody and irritable. Was always tired and weak which Im sure related to his unemployment and lack of direction in a career or employment

I'm glad you are looking to this list for advice, but with the things you mention you probably should start with some self reflection on what you believe a relationship should be. I wonder about your own feelings toward yourself and how you believe you should be treated if you were accepting some of those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice would be to focus first on yourself. Figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Be realistic about what marriage entails. Be open to experiences and people that may not immediately check off every box. Let go of the fairy tales. Don't be so hyper-focused on finding the right man. Work on yourself first. That way, you'll increase the chances of making the right decision when you meet the guy who could be the right one when the time comes.

More often than not (obvious red flags aside), we find ourselves having to decide whether to marry someone based upon foresight. You THINK he's this or that based on what you've seen so far, but there's no way to truly know how he will be 5, 10, or 20 years down the road. You just hope the person you picked changes in a way that's compatible with how you will change as you go through life together. There is truly no way to ensure you've married wisely until you reach a point in life where you can look back and make a determination based upon what was right for YOU.

Excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother told me to marry someone like my father! My daughters are very young but so far I’d be telling them the same thing!

So what are they like?

They both came from big and very close and happy families. They are both very smart and successful though my husband is still pretty early in his career but he is a surgeon. My dad ran some very large companies but family was always the most important thing to him as it is to my husband. My parents have always had a very loving relationship as they view each other as equals and best friends as my husband and I do. For my dad and my husband it’s all about family. My dad never did poker night or any real guy stuff until we were in HS when he finally took up golf. My husband is the same way.

I don't understand this. My dad always had his hobbies but was extremely involved and we are super close now, as he is with my kids. My husband does poker nights and guys' trips and he is also extremely involved and super close to our kids. In fact, he has done more childcare and stuff around the house in the last three months than I have (we both work from home and he out earns me). I think you have a very myopic way of thinking if you say that a man (or a woman) who does something with friends doesn't put their family first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Avoid people who put their parents or their parents' relationship on a pedestal. This includes someone with a "good" childhood and "happily" married parents.

My spouse does this and his dad was horrible. It's so weird, once he died he became a Saint. Why do people lie to themselves, I say good riddance.

[Anonymous]

Find someone who treats animals and other people, especially waitstaff, well ALL THE TIME.
Find someone who has similar interests to you, but most important, find someone who is interested in you and what YOU want to do.
Find someone who is your intellectual equal.
Find someone who has similar life goals to you, including careers, kids, etc.
Find someone who truly brings you into their life, not someone who keeps you away from their friends and family.
Find someone who is willing and able to have difficult conversations with you.
Find someone who never, ever talks down to you, yells at you, calls you names, or otherwise treats you badly. They will only get worse over time.
Finally, find someone with whom you laugh a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice would be to focus first on yourself. Figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Be realistic about what marriage entails. Be open to experiences and people that may not immediately check off every box. Let go of the fairy tales. Don't be so hyper-focused on finding the right man. Work on yourself first. That way, you'll increase the chances of making the right decision when you meet the guy who could be the right one when the time comes.

More often than not (obvious red flags aside), we find ourselves having to decide whether to marry someone based upon foresight. You THINK he's this or that based on what you've seen so far, but there's no way to truly know how he will be 5, 10, or 20 years down the road. You just hope the person you picked changes in a way that's compatible with how you will change as you go through life together. There is truly no way to ensure you've married wisely until you reach a point in life where you can look back and make a determination based upon what was right for YOU.

Excellent advice.

I disagree somewhat. Your personality and natural inclinations are pretty much set by mid 20s. Everyone changes with time and experience, but the core of who you/they are and how you/they approach the world does not change much. People who marry 28-32 have the lowest divorce rates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice would be to focus first on yourself. Figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Be realistic about what marriage entails. Be open to experiences and people that may not immediately check off every box. Let go of the fairy tales. Don't be so hyper-focused on finding the right man. Work on yourself first. That way, you'll increase the chances of making the right decision when you meet the guy who could be the right one when the time comes.

More often than not (obvious red flags aside), we find ourselves having to decide whether to marry someone based upon foresight. You THINK he's this or that based on what you've seen so far, but there's no way to truly know how he will be 5, 10, or 20 years down the road. You just hope the person you picked changes in a way that's compatible with how you will change as you go through life together. There is truly no way to ensure you've married wisely until you reach a point in life where you can look back and make a determination based upon what was right for YOU.

Excellent advice.

Agree. This is so true and applies to everyone, not just young women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice would be to focus first on yourself. Figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Be realistic about what marriage entails. Be open to experiences and people that may not immediately check off every box. Let go of the fairy tales. Don't be so hyper-focused on finding the right man. Work on yourself first. That way, you'll increase the chances of making the right decision when you meet the guy who could be the right one when the time comes.

More often than not (obvious red flags aside), we find ourselves having to decide whether to marry someone based upon foresight. You THINK he's this or that based on what you've seen so far, but there's no way to truly know how he will be 5, 10, or 20 years down the road. You just hope the person you picked changes in a way that's compatible with how you will change as you go through life together. There is truly no way to ensure you've married wisely until you reach a point in life where you can look back and make a determination based upon what was right for YOU.

Excellent advice.

I disagree somewhat. Your personality and natural inclinations are pretty much set by mid 20s. Everyone changes with time and experience, but the core of who you/they are and how you/they approach the world does not change much. People who marry 28-32 have the lowest divorce rates.

Life can throw a lot at you. How people respond to all the bumps in the road can surprise you. Also, I don't think how you approach the world stops changing in your 20s. Experiences change you over time in ways you cannot predict.

[Anonymous]

Look for a “good” guy. Value kindness and generosity above all else.

You need kindness and generosity to get through the rough or arid patches.