Advice to younger women to marry wisely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Understand that every trait, including the ones you admire, can have a "negative" side. I admired my now DH's passion for justice but didn't realize that meant he has a very strong sense of right/wrong in all areas (low tolerance threshold). DH liked that I had a more relaxed personality, but now gets frustrated that I don't care as much about a neat house.

The adage that ‘opposites attract’ is true, especially when you're young. The problem is that as the marriage progresses, the differences become annoyances and each of you try to get their partner to be more like them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wait until you are older before getting married. have your education, have a job and a way to support yourself

I married older (late 30s) and it’s one of the bigger challenges in our marriage that we’re each so used to being independent. Maybe that’s just us but I don’t think marrying older is the answer necessarily. Plus while we were able to support ourselves independently before we built a life together that requires both incomes.

+1. Same situation. We've been married now for almost 20 years, so it's better now, but I felt like it was a stumbling block early on that we both had a huge life history as adults that did not involve each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am early 40s. Married 10 years and recently divorced.

My advice to young women is seriously this:

Do not get married.

There is literally no advantage nowadays to marriage for women. None whatsoever. The only exception is if you want to be a mother and a husband is willing to support you as a SAHM for the marriage.

Exhibit A on the effects of the wrong choice.

+1. Sorry this PP is so bitter, but she is also completely wrong and obviously not seeing her role in making a bad choice.

Overall, being married is 100% better than being single. You become a better person when you are married, through the sheer force of the institution of marriage alone.

[Anonymous]

Most of the posters here have been women I suppose. I am a father of two girls and here is my advice to them:

1) Marry someone with a value system and know what that value system represents. Our value system is centered around our church so I'm encouraging my daughters to marry within our faith.
2) Marry someone with a purpose. Do you want to go on that journey with them and is it compatible with your purpose in life?
3) Meet your spouse's family and spend significant time with them to see how they treat each other, resolve conflict, what they laugh about, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice would be to focus first on yourself. Figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Be realistic about what marriage entails. Be open to experiences and people that may not immediately check off every box. Let go of the fairy tales. Don't be so hyper-focused on finding the right man. Work on yourself first. That way, you'll increase the chances of making the right decision when you meet the guy who could be the right one when the time comes.

More often than not (obvious red flags aside), we find ourselves having to decide whether to marry someone based upon foresight. You THINK he's this or that based on what you've seen so far, but there's no way to truly know how he will be 5, 10, or 20 years down the road. You just hope the person you picked changes in a way that's compatible with how you will change as you go through life together. There is truly no way to ensure you've married wisely until you reach a point in life where you can look back and make a determination based upon what was right for YOU.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the posters here have been women I suppose. I am a father of two girls and here is my advice to them:

1) Marry someone with a value system and know what that value system represents. Our value system is centered around our church so I'm encouraging my daughters to marry within our faith.
2) Marry someone with a purpose. Do you want to go on that journey with them and is it compatible with your purpose in life?
3) Meet your spouse's family and spend significant time with them to see how they treat each other, resolve conflict, what they laugh about, etc.

Yes, the OP asked for advice for young women from older women who are married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Understand that every trait, including the ones you admire, can have a "negative" side. I admired my now DH's passion for justice but didn't realize that meant he has a very strong sense of right/wrong in all areas (low tolerance threshold). DH liked that I had a more relaxed personality, but now gets frustrated that I don't care as much about a neat house.

The adage that ‘opposites attract’ is true, especially when you're young. The problem is that as the marriage progresses, the differences become annoyances and each of you try to get their partner to be more like them.

It's tricky because I do think marrying your complement is a great idea and valuable for a prospective partner in raising children. I think there will always be annoyances over time regardless so making sure there are some fundamentals in common is also vital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they had a f*cked up childhood--a parent was an alcoholic or a serial cheater...RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO matter how much they swear they won't turn out that way...wait 20 years and tell me what happens.

My husband's mother was an alcoholic and he's an amazing person and father and I wouldn't trade him for anything. You are wrong about this.

My husband's mother was an alcoholic and he's a crappy person -- liar, cheat, problem drinker and has the same mental illness she did which also affects my kids. I wish I'd never met him; he has caused my and our kids so much pain.

So, YMMV.

My husbands father was an alcoholic, serial cheater that left the family. Emotionally abusive.

My husband was the greatest man until middle age hit (45-49) and our oldest became the age he was when his father left. Holy batshit. He started a double life to avoid the trauma. I did not see that coming. Great father, great son-in-law, loving husband, extremely successful... the last few months of his affair he started to drink from the stress of it. He’s now in intensive therapy. Compartmentalization is how kids like this get through and if it wasn’t dealt with properly (his mother was cold) it will appear in drastic ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice would be to focus first on yourself. Figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Be realistic about what marriage entails. Be open to experiences and people that may not immediately check off every box. Let go of the fairy tales. Don't be so hyper-focused on finding the right man. Work on yourself first. That way, you'll increase the chances of making the right decision when you meet the guy who could be the right one when the time comes.

More often than not (obvious red flags aside), we find ourselves having to decide whether to marry someone based upon foresight. You THINK he's this or that based on what you've seen so far, but there's no way to truly know how he will be 5, 10, or 20 years down the road. You just hope the person you picked changes in a way that's compatible with how you will change as you go through life together. There is truly no way to ensure you've married wisely until you reach a point in life where you can look back and make a determination based upon what was right for YOU.

+1

+100

I’m very intelligent/insightful and could not have predicted how my husband would end up 22 years into marriage. Nobody saw it coming.

[Anonymous]

My mother told me to marry someone like my father! My daughters are very young but so far I’d be telling them the same thing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother told me to marry someone like my father! My daughters are very young but so far I’d be telling them the same thing!

So what are they like?

[Anonymous]

"Know yourself" as well as you can. This also means what you bring to the table and how it matches up. Once you find someone you adore, are attracted to, etc be honest with what your life could be like. I was not a huge inspiring career woman. I worked in real estate here and there and interior design but was never going to be earning the big bucks and really hoped one day I could have a few years as a SAHM. I didn't hide this and my now husband loved me for who I was. It's made it easier for me to support his career as a lawyer.
Can't stress in general how important it is to be on the same page. You don't need to have similar backgrounds or similar traits (we have none), but the same values and similar perception makes all the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother told me to marry someone like my father! My daughters are very young but so far I’d be telling them the same thing!

So what are they like?

They both came from big and very close and happy families. They are both very smart and successful though my husband is still pretty early in his career but he is a surgeon. My dad ran some very large companies but family was always the most important thing to him as it is to my husband. My parents have always had a very loving relationship as they view each other as equals and best friends as my husband and I do. For my dad and my husband it’s all about family. My dad never did poker night or any real guy stuff until we were in HS when he finally took up golf. My husband is the same way.

[Anonymous]

Do not discount differences in interests and personalities. Do not discount cultural differences. These things can evolve from charming differences to points of real friction and lack of understanding. And once you add children into the mix, it can really bring these differences to the fore.

[Anonymous]

I agree with much of what has been written above - know each other’s value systems and make sure they mesh, be in agreement generally regarding money (when to spend, when you save), etc. I would also add that I think it helped my DH and I that both of our parents have been married 50+ years, because when we have gone through rough spots, like happens in all marriages, divorce was never an option for either of us. Our minds just don’t go there.