Friend is having affair - wants to bring "other person" on a group trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure how well you know the betrayed spouse, but an almost universal sentiment among those who are cheated on is pain in realizing how many other people knew what was going on while the spouse was oblivious. I would not participate.

OP here:
I'm not very close to the spouse and neither is anyone else in the friend group. I've known Friend A for many years; Friend A introduced the spouse to the group when they started dating. The relationship between the spouse and the friend group has always been fairly arms' length. We've all been much closer to Friend A. In terms of the betrayed spouse, we all follow that person on social media, chat about work/life/politics when together at a party or BBQ, attended their wedding (but all of the friend group sat on Friend A's side of the church).

Typical dynamics with a spouse who was introduced to an existing friend group. So also why I feel somewhat disinclined to directly intervene with the spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In situations like this, what is loyalty? Sure, your loyalty should lie with your friend, but her loyalty should lie with her spouse.

I think you should go on the trip but tell the spouse.

Why do you assume that the spouse would want to know or, if the spouse already knows he/she would want to hear about it from some busybody. I would think the worse of you for taking such extra interest in my private life. You are not my friend, you don't know me, you don't know what's my opinion about it and what I would like to know. Use your energy for good, not to spoil my mood (which would be spoiled by you, not my spouse's actions).

You've never heard the phrase, "Don't kill the messenger," have you?

The expression exists for a reason: for me, you are worse than a cheating spouse because it's not your business and because you are judging.

So in your mind, the person judging the cheating spouse is "worse" than the spouse doing the cheating?

Interesting moral compass you have there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably still go, because I wouldn't want to blow up the whole trip for everyone--the trip is too far along and too much money has been sunk into it. But I also would not make any effort to keep secrets or hide anything from A's spouse. If I would have otherwise talked about the trip to the spouse, I'm not going to bite my tongue. I'm not going to hide the fact that B is there. I'm not going to censor the pictures I post on FB. And I'm certainly not going to lie for A.

OP here:
I'm inclined to do this. It's the path of least resistance and probably the most likely course of action. I already know that one of the spouses attending the trip is going to flip the f#ck out when they see what's happening; they are very straight-laced and it's just their personality to directly inquire. They will be very upset to be put in such a situation by Friend A.

I know my spouse will want all the dirt and will basically require me to post on social media 24/7 while overseas. I won't hold back on tagging. It will be interesting to see if Friend A and Newbie B ask all of us to not put them on social media. The whole scenario is just so cavalier and bizarre.

This is so incredibly passive aggressive and it also leaves A's H not knowing. So what, there are pictures. Unless they are naked this is not going to have the outcome you wish.

Either you have a moral stance on this or you don't.

Call A and say, B is welcome but if you guys are having an affair I will not enjoy the time at the reunion. If she says "shove it" then she is not your friend.

P.S. If you all go on vacation and don't talk openly about what is going on why are you friend ... and you H will never trust your friends ...EVER.

[Anonymous]

I would have a private conversation with Friend A about the situation and tell him/her that it will be very uncomfortable for the group to witness the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, STAY the F out of other people's business. You are not the marriage police and you do not know what is going on in their relationship. It's not your job to pass judgement on their relationship.

If you don't want to be a part of it, stay home. Talk about being a busy body. Get a life of your own.

Says the cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably still go, because I wouldn't want to blow up the whole trip for everyone--the trip is too far along and too much money has been sunk into it. But I also would not make any effort to keep secrets or hide anything from A's spouse. If I would have otherwise talked about the trip to the spouse, I'm not going to bite my tongue. I'm not going to hide the fact that B is there. I'm not going to censor the pictures I post on FB. And I'm certainly not going to lie for A.

OP here:
I'm inclined to do this. It's the path of least resistance and probably the most likely course of action. I already know that one of the spouses attending the trip is going to flip the f#ck out when they see what's happening; they are very straight-laced and it's just their personality to directly inquire. They will be very upset to be put in such a situation by Friend A.

I know my spouse will want all the dirt and will basically require me to post on social media 24/7 while overseas. I won't hold back on tagging. It will be interesting to see if Friend A and Newbie B ask all of us to not put them on social media. The whole scenario is just so cavalier and bizarre.

Passive aggressive or saying nothing so as not to make waves is never the best option when someone wants to make others part of their deceit and dishonesty.

Inaction is a action when someone is doing wrong.

You are complicit in the cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, STAY the F out of other people's business. You are not the marriage police and you do not know what is going on in their relationship. It's not your job to pass judgement on their relationship.

If you don't want to be a part of it, stay home. Talk about being a busy body. Get a life of your own.

Says the cheater.

What I noticed too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably still go, because I wouldn't want to blow up the whole trip for everyone--the trip is too far along and too much money has been sunk into it. But I also would not make any effort to keep secrets or hide anything from A's spouse. If I would have otherwise talked about the trip to the spouse, I'm not going to bite my tongue. I'm not going to hide the fact that B is there. I'm not going to censor the pictures I post on FB. And I'm certainly not going to lie for A.

OP here:
I'm inclined to do this. It's the path of least resistance and probably the most likely course of action. I already know that one of the spouses attending the trip is going to flip the f#ck out when they see what's happening; they are very straight-laced and it's just their personality to directly inquire. They will be very upset to be put in such a situation by Friend A.

I know my spouse will want all the dirt and will basically require me to post on social media 24/7 while overseas. I won't hold back on tagging. It will be interesting to see if Friend A and Newbie B ask all of us to not put them on social media. The whole scenario is just so cavalier and bizarre.

If someone asks you not to include them on social media, you should respect their request, no matter the reason. I simply do not like having my photo posted, and wouldn't be happy with a friend who ignored my preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably still go, because I wouldn't want to blow up the whole trip for everyone--the trip is too far along and too much money has been sunk into it. But I also would not make any effort to keep secrets or hide anything from A's spouse. If I would have otherwise talked about the trip to the spouse, I'm not going to bite my tongue. I'm not going to hide the fact that B is there. I'm not going to censor the pictures I post on FB. And I'm certainly not going to lie for A.

OP here:
I'm inclined to do this. It's the path of least resistance and probably the most likely course of action. I already know that one of the spouses attending the trip is going to flip the f#ck out when they see what's happening; they are very straight-laced and it's just their personality to directly inquire. They will be very upset to be put in such a situation by Friend A.

I know my spouse will want all the dirt and will basically require me to post on social media 24/7 while overseas. I won't hold back on tagging. It will be interesting to see if Friend A and Newbie B ask all of us to not put them on social media. The whole scenario is just so cavalier and bizarre.

OP, here's the thing. Do you want this to be a nice reunion of old friends, or are you traveling, essentially, to engage in drama? This vacation sounds like drama. Your husband sounds like a judgy rubbernecker of that drama. A is putting everyone in a really shitty situation, and you know that it's going to be drama going in, and you're just going to do that?

No. Talk to A. Do it now. Be like, "A, I know that you are having an affair with B. It's pretty obvious that you guys are not just friends based on your reaction. Setting aside completely why you'd have an affair in the first place, why in the world would you bring B on this trip? Are you trying to get caught? You know that D and F are going to completely flip out, call you on it, and that it's going to get ugly. I want you to know that while I love you and value our years of friendship, I think you are making a ton of mistakes and I won't be able to back you up when D and F flip out, nor will I hide anything from Mr. A if he asks about it. Please reconsider bringing B on this trip, for B's sake as much as anyone else's. This is not going to go well."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, STAY the F out of other people's business. You are not the marriage police and you do not know what is going on in their relationship. It's not your job to pass judgement on their relationship.

If you don't want to be a part of it, stay home. Talk about being a busy body. Get a life of your own.

Says the cheater.

No, I am not married. I just realize that most people are fun of sanctimonious BS when it comes to relationships.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of this. You are taking something one person told you and then confronting another person with it. Unless, this person has told you directly, then it is none of your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, STAY the F out of other people's business. You are not the marriage police and you do not know what is going on in their relationship. It's not your job to pass judgement on their relationship.

If you don't want to be a part of it, stay home. Talk about being a busy body. Get a life of your own.

Says the cheater.

No, I am not married. I just realize that most people are fun of sanctimonious BS when it comes to relationships.

Okay.

Affair partner. Awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of this. You are taking something one person told you and then confronting another person with it. Unless, this person has told you directly, then it is none of your business.

It is her business if married friend is bringing her affair partner along on a group trip.

The minute friend made that decision, she also made it everyone's business.

[Anonymous]

You should also consider unintended consequences of your choices - irrespective of your DH's. He has a sideline view - possibly entertaining in a removed voyeuristic way - and you're going to be reporting back the "drama" in whatever fashion that is between spouses. I get it.

But there are lingering and spidery feelings when you make these types of decisions - even with your spouse's "approval". If you all go on the trip as planned - drama ensues - you report back to DH and Friend A goes back home in whatever state. The likeliest outcome being that Friend A and Newbie B play it off just enough so no one can outright accuse of bad behavior and questions are posed but not directly answered and life ticks along.

If there is ever an incident - anywhere remotely close wherein you and your DH are having a bad spell...trust issues can be impacted by this. Don't think that everything your friends do outside of you - particularly very close friends and how you react and involve yourself to a degree doesn't have any affect on your own household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably still go, because I wouldn't want to blow up the whole trip for everyone--the trip is too far along and too much money has been sunk into it. But I also would not make any effort to keep secrets or hide anything from A's spouse. If I would have otherwise talked about the trip to the spouse, I'm not going to bite my tongue. I'm not going to hide the fact that B is there. I'm not going to censor the pictures I post on FB. And I'm certainly not going to lie for A.

OP here:
I'm inclined to do this. It's the path of least resistance and probably the most likely course of action. I already know that one of the spouses attending the trip is going to flip the f#ck out when they see what's happening; they are very straight-laced and it's just their personality to directly inquire. They will be very upset to be put in such a situation by Friend A.

I know my spouse will want all the dirt and will basically require me to post on social media 24/7 while overseas. I won't hold back on tagging. It will be interesting to see if Friend A and Newbie B ask all of us to not put them on social media. The whole scenario is just so cavalier and bizarre.

OP, here's the thing. Do you want this to be a nice reunion of old friends, or are you traveling, essentially, to engage in drama? This vacation sounds like drama. Your husband sounds like a judgy rubbernecker of that drama. A is putting everyone in a really shitty situation, and you know that it's going to be drama going in, and you're just going to do that?

No. Talk to A. Do it now. Be like, "A, I know that you are having an affair with B. It's pretty obvious that you guys are not just friends based on your reaction. Setting aside completely why you'd have an affair in the first place, why in the world would you bring B on this trip? Are you trying to get caught? You know that D and F are going to completely flip out, call you on it, and that it's going to get ugly. I want you to know that while I love you and value our years of friendship, I think you are making a ton of mistakes and I won't be able to back you up when D and F flip out, nor will I hide anything from Mr. A if he asks about it. Please reconsider bringing B on this trip, for B's sake as much as anyone else's. This is not going to go well."

I think I would have to do this. I would not want to set the vacation up for a blowout. If its going to happen better to happen beforehand. Worst case scenario friend a decides they aren't coming and at least the rest of you can have a good time.