Friend is having affair - wants to bring "other person" on a group trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably still go, because I wouldn't want to blow up the whole trip for everyone--the trip is too far along and too much money has been sunk into it. But I also would not make any effort to keep secrets or hide anything from A's spouse. If I would have otherwise talked about the trip to the spouse, I'm not going to bite my tongue. I'm not going to hide the fact that B is there. I'm not going to censor the pictures I post on FB. And I'm certainly not going to lie for A.

OP here:
I'm inclined to do this. It's the path of least resistance and probably the most likely course of action. I already know that one of the spouses attending the trip is going to flip the f#ck out when they see what's happening; they are very straight-laced and it's just their personality to directly inquire. They will be very upset to be put in such a situation by Friend A.

I know my spouse will want all the dirt and will basically require me to post on social media 24/7 while overseas. I won't hold back on tagging. It will be interesting to see if Friend A and Newbie B ask all of us to not put them on social media. The whole scenario is just so cavalier and bizarre.

OP, here's the thing. Do you want this to be a nice reunion of old friends, or are you traveling, essentially, to engage in drama? This vacation sounds like drama. Your husband sounds like a judgy rubbernecker of that drama. A is putting everyone in a really shitty situation, and you know that it's going to be drama going in, and you're just going to do that?

No. Talk to A. Do it now. Be like, "A, I know that you are having an affair with B. It's pretty obvious that you guys are not just friends based on your reaction. Setting aside completely why you'd have an affair in the first place, why in the world would you bring B on this trip? Are you trying to get caught? You know that D and F are going to completely flip out, call you on it, and that it's going to get ugly. I want you to know that while I love you and value our years of friendship, I think you are making a ton of mistakes and I won't be able to back you up when D and F flip out, nor will I hide anything from Mr. A if he asks about it. Please reconsider bringing B on this trip, for B's sake as much as anyone else's. This is not going to go well."

OP here:
I'm traveling for a business trip to this city. The drama is coming to me, whether I want it or not. So no, I can't just back out on everyone. My presence is the impetus for the the gathering.

Thanks to all for the good feedback - lots of good perspectives in here that I had not yet considered. Including potential knock-on effects in my relationship with my own spouse.

[Anonymous]

OP how would you feel if your husband went on a trip with his college buddies and hung out all week with married Joe's affair partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP how would you feel if your husband went on a trip with his college buddies and hung out all week with married Joe's affair partner?

And why would that have ANYTHING to do with her husband. If her husband wants to cheat on her, he will. You do not need a buddy to show you how to cheat on your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how would you feel if your husband went on a trip with his college buddies and hung out all week with married Joe's affair partner?

And why would that have ANYTHING to do with her husband. If her husband wants to cheat on her, he will. You do not need a buddy to show you how to cheat on your spouse.

It speaks poorly of the character, values and ethics of a person who would happily and quietly vacation with a buddy and hiz/her affair partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how would you feel if your husband went on a trip with his college buddies and hung out all week with married Joe's affair partner?

And why would that have ANYTHING to do with her husband. If her husband wants to cheat on her, he will. You do not need a buddy to show you how to cheat on your spouse.

It speaks poorly of the character, values and ethics of a person who would happily and quietly vacation with a buddy and hiz/her affair partner.

Friend A is not out to OP or others about the affair, except to person C, so I don't think this counts as "happily and quietly" vacationing with friend and affair partner. I personally would wait and see how the trip goes, were I in OP's shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how would you feel if your husband went on a trip with his college buddies and hung out all week with married Joe's affair partner?

And why would that have ANYTHING to do with her husband. If her husband wants to cheat on her, he will. You do not need a buddy to show you how to cheat on your spouse.

It speaks poorly of the character, values and ethics of a person who would happily and quietly vacation with a buddy and hiz/her affair partner.

Friend A is not out to OP or others about the affair, except to person C, so I don't think this counts as "happily and quietly" vacationing with friend and affair partner. I personally would wait and see how the trip goes, were I in OP's shoes.

They are bringing their cheater partner along on a group trip and presumably sharing a bedroom with the cheating partner.

The cheater is making it everyone's business from the moment they show up.

This issue needs to be resolved before the trip occurs. People are spending a lot of money. I would be so pissed to show up and realize that I was being made an involuntary participant in something so deceitful and immoral, especially something so expensive and hard to back out of once I arrived. It is not as if the friends can just hop in a car and go home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right now all you have is second hand information. I'd go on the trip, and if A and B engaged in PDA on the trip, I'd ask A what was up, and let them know I wasn't okay with hiding their affair from the spouse.

Has C talked to A about this? Is there a chance that A and spouse have an open marriage?

I think this. And I think that towards the end of the trip, I would say, "either you tell your spouse or I will".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how would you feel if your husband went on a trip with his college buddies and hung out all week with married Joe's affair partner?

And why would that have ANYTHING to do with her husband. If her husband wants to cheat on her, he will. You do not need a buddy to show you how to cheat on your spouse.

It speaks poorly of the character, values and ethics of a person who would happily and quietly vacation with a buddy and hiz/her affair partner.

Friend A is not out to OP or others about the affair, except to person C, so I don't think this counts as "happily and quietly" vacationing with friend and affair partner. I personally would wait and see how the trip goes, were I in OP's shoes.

They are bringing their cheater partner along on a group trip and presumably sharing a bedroom with the cheating partner.

The cheater is making it everyone's business from the moment they show up.

This issue needs to be resolved before the trip occurs. People are spending a lot of money. I would be so pissed to show up and realize that I was being made an involuntary participant in something so deceitful and immoral, especially something so expensive and hard to back out of once I arrived. It is not as if the friends can just hop in a car and go home.

OP doesn't know if they will be open or not. They may not share a bedroom. All OP has is second-hand info of an affair. If A was cagey on a call with OP, it's hard to imagine she'll go from that to flaunting an affair in front of all their friends.

I'd go, and if the affair was obvious, I'd tell A that I was not okay with it, and I wouldn't see her again until it was over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how would you feel if your husband went on a trip with his college buddies and hung out all week with married Joe's affair partner?

And why would that have ANYTHING to do with her husband. If her husband wants to cheat on her, he will. You do not need a buddy to show you how to cheat on your spouse.

It speaks poorly of the character, values and ethics of a person who would happily and quietly vacation with a buddy and hiz/her affair partner.

Friend A is not out to OP or others about the affair, except to person C, so I don't think this counts as "happily and quietly" vacationing with friend and affair partner. I personally would wait and see how the trip goes, were I in OP's shoes.

They are bringing their cheater partner along on a group trip and presumably sharing a bedroom with the cheating partner.

The cheater is making it everyone's business from the moment they show up.

This issue needs to be resolved before the trip occurs. People are spending a lot of money. I would be so pissed to show up and realize that I was being made an involuntary participant in something so deceitful and immoral, especially something so expensive and hard to back out of once I arrived. It is not as if the friends can just hop in a car and go home.

OP doesn't know if they will be open or not. They may not share a bedroom. All OP has is second-hand info of an affair. If A was cagey on a call with OP, it's hard to imagine she'll go from that to flaunting an affair in front of all their friends.

I'd go, and if the affair was obvious, I'd tell A that I was not okay with it, and I wouldn't see her again until it was over.

I feel that infidelity is a major character flaw and that it damages so many innocent people.

I would be furious if a "friend" brought her cheating partner along on a group trip, and would not want to be a part of that trip. Period.

OP sounds like there is at least one other friend going who would feel similarly.

The cheater needs to be confronted before the trip occurs so she has the opportunity to do the right thing. Or the friend C needs to be given the heads up so she can change her plans.

[Anonymous]

I would tell friend A that you know about the affair and that others do as well and that it puts all of you in a very uncomfortable situation, one that will really change the dynamics of the trip. That you're not interested in judging them or telling their spouse, but from the point of view of one of the members of the trip, which was intended to be a reunion for friends and not a way to travel with your secret affair partner, Friend A has put you all into a difficult position where YOU are going to feel awkward and strange, and that you do not want to be saddled with this secret or have to pretend like you dont know what's going on. You may also say that you feel a little used, that it is as if Friend A is using this reunion as a way to have a tryst at the expense of the group dynamics.

Then see what they say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how would you feel if your husband went on a trip with his college buddies and hung out all week with married Joe's affair partner?

And why would that have ANYTHING to do with her husband. If her husband wants to cheat on her, he will. You do not need a buddy to show you how to cheat on your spouse.

It has nothing to do with cheating. It's about having character.

I don't want to have close relationship with people with weak character.

[Anonymous]

I think Friend A is an asshole for putting you in this position. It's going to make you uncomfortable during your vacation, and I think you should say that either you or Friend A needs to back out. Probably it's going to be you.

Friend A is a bad friend, to be honest. And I hope someone posts incriminating photos of A and Newbie. Is there any way one of you could reach out directly to Friend A's spouse and suggest they come along on the trip? I bet the spouse doesn't even know that coming along is an option for them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

I assumed opposite genders than you . . .

The group is all women. It’s always women that want to “hide” the gender but then make it obvious in the post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

I assumed opposite genders than you . . .

The group is all women. It’s always women that want to “hide” the gender but then make it obvious in the post.

OP here:
Wrong. Re-read the thread, I clarified the genders.

Mixed-gendered group, couples and singles. Friend A and Newbie B are not the same gender, both are married to other people.

[Anonymous]

Whatever do you OP, please report back after the trip!