Friend is having affair - wants to bring "other person" on a group trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people insist on throwing the word "judging" around as a badge of shame?

YES I'm JUDGING your character if you cheat on an unknowing spouse and want to bring your f*cktoy around me. Am I supposed to turn a blind eye toward everything anyone ever does lest I be "judgy"? Is discernment and character not a thing anymore?

Keep your dirt to yourself. I'm not perfect but yes, there are lines that can be crossed to make me question our friendship.

Bingo!

[Anonymous]

Affairs are either private or public.

If it is private keep it to yourself. If it's public bring him along but I will tell you H.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people insist on throwing the word "judging" around as a badge of shame?

YES I'm JUDGING your character if you cheat on an unknowing spouse and want to bring your f*cktoy around me. Am I supposed to turn a blind eye toward everything anyone ever does lest I be "judgy"? Is discernment and character not a thing anymore?

Keep your dirt to yourself. I'm not perfect but yes, there are lines that can be crossed to make me question our friendship.

I can tell you the same: keep your opinions and "knowledge" to yourself. What drives you to blab to the person you barely know? If you have a problem with your friend, then tell her whatever you think, so she can end that friendship. Why do you want to make a, basically, stranger feel annoyed or bad or sad or angry? Do you just love to feel superior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

I assumed opposite genders than you . . .

OP here:
I kept it gender neutral on purpose. I want honest feedback - this is a very real situation. I don't want gender or sexual orientation to play a role in how people view this situation. It's crappy regardless of the genders involved.

Friend C has seen Friend A and Newbie B engage in PDA. Multiple times. Basically, Friend C has been complicit for months (they feel incredibly guilty) and it's about to suck in the rest of the friend group.

I wrote the initial comment, and my position is unchanged if you switch the genders. I don't think it matters.

It matter in that if this is a girls trip, and affair partner is a girl, it is much easier for the cheater to deceive everyone than it it is a girls trip and the cheater is bringing along a guy.

Why would it matter to the OP whether it's more likely to be discovered or not? If that really the primary consideration here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people insist on throwing the word "judging" around as a badge of shame?

YES I'm JUDGING your character if you cheat on an unknowing spouse and want to bring your f*cktoy around me. Am I supposed to turn a blind eye toward everything anyone ever does lest I be "judgy"? Is discernment and character not a thing anymore?

Keep your dirt to yourself. I'm not perfect but yes, there are lines that can be crossed to make me question our friendship.

I can tell you the same: keep your opinions and "knowledge" to yourself. What drives you to blab to the person you barely know? If you have a problem with your friend, then tell her whatever you think, so she can end that friendship. Why do you want to make a, basically, stranger feel annoyed or bad or sad or angry? Do you just love to feel superior?

Friend is bringing her dirt along and throwing it on everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people insist on throwing the word "judging" around as a badge of shame?

YES I'm JUDGING your character if you cheat on an unknowing spouse and want to bring your f*cktoy around me. Am I supposed to turn a blind eye toward everything anyone ever does lest I be "judgy"? Is discernment and character not a thing anymore?

Keep your dirt to yourself. I'm not perfect but yes, there are lines that can be crossed to make me question our friendship.

I can tell you the same: keep your opinions and "knowledge" to yourself. What drives you to blab to the person you barely know? If you have a problem with your friend, then tell her whatever you think, so she can end that friendship. Why do you want to make a, basically, stranger feel annoyed or bad or sad or angry? Do you just love to feel superior?

Friend is bringing her dirt along and throwing it on everyone else.

Just take lot's of pictures and post them on social media. Any fallout is on her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people insist on throwing the word "judging" around as a badge of shame?

YES I'm JUDGING your character if you cheat on an unknowing spouse and want to bring your f*cktoy around me. Am I supposed to turn a blind eye toward everything anyone ever does lest I be "judgy"? Is discernment and character not a thing anymore?

Keep your dirt to yourself. I'm not perfect but yes, there are lines that can be crossed to make me question our friendship.

I can tell you the same: keep your opinions and "knowledge" to yourself. What drives you to blab to the person you barely know? If you have a problem with your friend, then tell her whatever you think, so she can end that friendship. Why do you want to make a, basically, stranger feel annoyed or bad or sad or angry? Do you just love to feel superior?

I don't even know what you're referencing? I would never gossip. If I have a problem with a friend, I approach that friend. If I have a question regarding my friend's character, I question my friend. I'd never, like other PPs go on to "tell" other friends regardless of the circumstances. I'm not sure I even understand this rambling response. My point was simply what I stated because this is a forum for discussion and I was responding the word "judging" being thrown about. I don't feel superior to anyone. AS STATED I'm not perfect - but this scenario is not one in which "judging" should come into play.

[Anonymous]

I'd probably still go, because I wouldn't want to blow up the whole trip for everyone--the trip is too far along and too much money has been sunk into it. But I also would not make any effort to keep secrets or hide anything from A's spouse. If I would have otherwise talked about the trip to the spouse, I'm not going to bite my tongue. I'm not going to hide the fact that B is there. I'm not going to censor the pictures I post on FB. And I'm certainly not going to lie for A.

[Anonymous]

OP, STAY the F out of other people's business. You are not the marriage police and you do not know what is going on in their relationship. It's not your job to pass judgement on their relationship.

If you don't want to be a part of it, stay home. Talk about being a busy body. Get a life of your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your spouse.

Saying nothing and going along makes you complicit.

I would flat out tell friend A that you would prefer if the affair partner does not attend. If you lose that friend is it really a loss?

This. Totally agree with your husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably still go, because I wouldn't want to blow up the whole trip for everyone--the trip is too far along and too much money has been sunk into it. But I also would not make any effort to keep secrets or hide anything from A's spouse. If I would have otherwise talked about the trip to the spouse, I'm not going to bite my tongue. I'm not going to hide the fact that B is there. I'm not going to censor the pictures I post on FB. And I'm certainly not going to lie for A.

OP here:
I'm inclined to do this. It's the path of least resistance and probably the most likely course of action. I already know that one of the spouses attending the trip is going to flip the f#ck out when they see what's happening; they are very straight-laced and it's just their personality to directly inquire. They will be very upset to be put in such a situation by Friend A.

I know my spouse will want all the dirt and will basically require me to post on social media 24/7 while overseas. I won't hold back on tagging. It will be interesting to see if Friend A and Newbie B ask all of us to not put them on social media. The whole scenario is just so cavalier and bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, STAY the F out of other people's business. You are not the marriage police and you do not know what is going on in their relationship. It's not your job to pass judgement on their relationship.

If you don't want to be a part of it, stay home. Talk about being a busy body. Get a life of your own.

How do you stay of out folks business if folks bring their business to your face - and want you to stay in the house with their business over a long weekend?

You sound like you're guilty. Marriage police? More like common decency police. Go f*ck who you want - I don't have to sit and look on and laugh with your AP like it's not a problem and pretend that you're not wack af.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your spouse.

Saying nothing and going along makes you complicit.

I would flat out tell friend A that you would prefer if the affair partner does not attend. If you lose that friend is it really a loss?

This. Totally agree with your husband

First ask her point blank. If they are an AP yes do not be an accomplice.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure how well you know the betrayed spouse, but an almost universal sentiment among those who are cheated on is pain in realizing how many other people knew what was going on while the spouse was oblivious. I would not participate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably still go, because I wouldn't want to blow up the whole trip for everyone--the trip is too far along and too much money has been sunk into it. But I also would not make any effort to keep secrets or hide anything from A's spouse. If I would have otherwise talked about the trip to the spouse, I'm not going to bite my tongue. I'm not going to hide the fact that B is there. I'm not going to censor the pictures I post on FB. And I'm certainly not going to lie for A.

OP here:
I'm inclined to do this. It's the path of least resistance and probably the most likely course of action. I already know that one of the spouses attending the trip is going to flip the f#ck out when they see what's happening; they are very straight-laced and it's just their personality to directly inquire. They will be very upset to be put in such a situation by Friend A.

I know my spouse will want all the dirt and will basically require me to post on social media 24/7 while overseas. I won't hold back on tagging. It will be interesting to see if Friend A and Newbie B ask all of us to not put them on social media. The whole scenario is just so cavalier and bizarre.

That is what I would do. It isn't your marriage or your spouse, so I think not going is over the top. But if it is not secret such that she can bring him publicly, well then it isn't a secret and I wouldn't hide the photos/etc.