Friend is having affair - wants to bring "other person" on a group trip

[Anonymous]

Ask A if she is having affair with B. if answer is yes, don't participate. if answer is no, don't ask any more and just go.

[Anonymous]

I think that your spouse is right.

What your friend does is their business - but they've made it your business and intend to stick it in your face. Not cool. Shady and would make me question my friendship because character isn't friend specific and shows you who they are.

I wouldn't feel comfortable going. I don't think saying "keep your affair partner home and come because you've been busted" is going to work either.

You could stand up and just be honest. Tell Friend A you're not comfortable hanging out with them and what you now know is their affair partner. It's okay to tell people how you feel. I would as courtesy let Friend C of your intent as I'm sure A will know where the info comes from. Advise Friend C to stop being complicit and get a backbone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

I assumed opposite genders than you . . .

I assumed same sex couple and same sex group of friends. That's why it didn't raise eyebrows at all when A originally said s/he was bringing B. I have lots of friends of the other gender, but if I suggested bringing one of them on a friends reunion trip -- especially an all girls one -- rather than my DH, people would be like... what? If I said "I made this great new same gender friend in new city D," no one would bat an eyelash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

I assumed opposite genders than you . . .

OP here:
I kept it gender neutral on purpose. I want honest feedback - this is a very real situation. I don't want gender or sexual orientation to play a role in how people view this situation. It's crappy regardless of the genders involved.

Friend C has seen Friend A and Newbie B engage in PDA. Multiple times. Basically, Friend C has been complicit for months (they feel incredibly guilty) and it's about to suck in the rest of the friend group.

I wrote the initial comment, and my position is unchanged if you switch the genders. I don't think it matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In situations like this, what is loyalty? Sure, your loyalty should lie with your friend, but her loyalty should lie with her spouse.

I think you should go on the trip but tell the spouse.

Why do you assume that the spouse would want to know or, if the spouse already knows he/she would want to hear about it from some busybody. I would think the worse of you for taking such extra interest in my private life. You are not my friend, you don't know me, you don't know what's my opinion about it and what I would like to know. Use your energy for good, not to spoil my mood (which would be spoiled by you, not my spouse's actions).

You've never heard the phrase, "Don't kill the messenger," have you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have a conversation with friend A and ask her about her relationship with B. Something along the lines of "you've made this my business, so I need to ask. What's going on with B and with your spouse. If this is an affair, I really don't feel comfortable lying to spouse/covering up for you." There could be another explanation A and spouse could have an understanding or maybe they split but didn't make it public.

I think first and foremost, the reservation to the accommodations should not have been booked by a new person in the group, what if they back out or something happens to relationship with friend A and newbie? Then the whole reunion trip is a hot mess. I do think that was a manipulation move but giving the benefit of the doubt, I would figure out how to rectify that.

I would ask if his/her spouse is aware of the nature of the relationship and spouse was both aware and invited to the reunion because you aren’t lying or covering up with the spouse and you will talk about the trip with the spouse in passing. Just like any other trip you will take pictures and talk about it with your friends, your spouse etc. You don’t want to be in the middle of anything or by extension signing off on infidelity so either it’s above board or he/she needs to rethink this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

I assumed opposite genders than you . . .

I assumed same sex couple and same sex group of friends. That's why it didn't raise eyebrows at all when A originally said s/he was bringing B. I have lots of friends of the other gender, but if I suggested bringing one of them on a friends reunion trip -- especially an all girls one -- rather than my DH, people would be like... what? If I said "I made this great new same gender friend in new city D," no one would bat an eyelash.

I thought the same as you. Same sex couple and friends makes the most sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In situations like this, what is loyalty? Sure, your loyalty should lie with your friend, but her loyalty should lie with her spouse.

I think you should go on the trip but tell the spouse.

Why do you assume that the spouse would want to know or, if the spouse already knows he/she would want to hear about it from some busybody. I would think the worse of you for taking such extra interest in my private life. You are not my friend, you don't know me, you don't know what's my opinion about it and what I would like to know. Use your energy for good, not to spoil my mood (which would be spoiled by you, not my spouse's actions).

Interesting perspective.

If your friend raped somebody, would you not report it? I know that situation is more extreme but the principle is the same.

However, I do agree somewhat and think op should discuss with their friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

I assumed opposite genders than you . . .

OP here:
I kept it gender neutral on purpose. I want honest feedback - this is a very real situation. I don't want gender or sexual orientation to play a role in how people view this situation. It's crappy regardless of the genders involved.

Friend C has seen Friend A and Newbie B engage in PDA. Multiple times. Basically, Friend C has been complicit for months (they feel incredibly guilty) and it's about to suck in the rest of the friend group.

Why do dcumers always say gender doesn't matter in relationship issues when it so obviously does?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a totally bizarre situation so please bear with me.

I am traveling to Europe for work later this summer. A bunch of my friends currently live in Europe for their jobs. We've made a plan to have a "reunion" in the city where I'm traveling for my business trip - we have all known each other for many years. We will have a long weekend of sightseeing, food, drinks, going out dancing, etc. We rented a great house so we can all stay together.

Friend A is recently married, but living apart from their spouse due to overseas work assignments in different cities (1500+ miles apart). About halfway through the planning process, Friend A says "Oh, I'm inviting my new friend, Newbie B to join us on the trip. Newbie B is a great person, totally awesome." Newbie B even goes so far as to lay out the money to book the accommodations for the entire group (I found this really surprising), we will all pay Newbie B back.

In a private conversation over Skype, I ask Friend A: "Oh, is your spouse coming? It would be so good to see them! It's been too long." Friend A says their spouse can't come due to work commitments. Friend A basically keeps avoiding the topic of their spouse, but gushes on and on about Newbie B (whom I and most of the group has never met). It's weird.

I talk about this weirdness with Friend C, who is a longtime friend and also going on the trip. Friend C admits that Friend A has been having an affair with Newbie B for months. Friend C is the only person who knows, it has been weighing on their conscious the entire time. Friend A is seeing Newbie B multiple times per week. Friend A's spouse knows NOTHING about this and we are not even sure Friend A's spouse is aware of this trip.

The other friends attending this trip are completely unaware of these dynamics. We are all sharing housing together, all of us are friendly with Friend A's spouse (but definitely closer to Friend A). We attended their wedding only 20 months ago! If Friend A and Newbie B share a bedroom or start engaging in PDA, it will be completely shocking for the others attending.

My spouse thinks we are implicitly sanctioning this behavior by letting Newbie B attend. However, we had no idea this was happening when we were initially told about Newbie B's attendance. Also, my spouse believes we should alert the other friends attending. Unfortunately, plane tix have been purchased months and most of the money is a sunk cost. I don't want to be party to a torrid affair and having to hide all this from Friend A's spouse.

WWYD?

I agree w your spouse. Pretty much, you should tell friend A you know about friend B, and their affair. All the other friends have a right to know. Then, tell all the other friends. I would be livid if I was Friend A's husband, and all of you did this, and not one had the maturity to let me know. And at some point, later, you will all get together, talk about the trip, and most likely Friend B, in front of Friend A's huisband. Picture how that scene plays out. The money is not a relevant issue. The various friendships are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

I assumed opposite genders than you . . .

OP here:
I kept it gender neutral on purpose. I want honest feedback - this is a very real situation. I don't want gender or sexual orientation to play a role in how people view this situation. It's crappy regardless of the genders involved.

Friend C has seen Friend A and Newbie B engage in PDA. Multiple times. Basically, Friend C has been complicit for months (they feel incredibly guilty) and it's about to suck in the rest of the friend group.

I wrote the initial comment, and my position is unchanged if you switch the genders. I don't think it matters.

It matter in that if this is a girls trip, and affair partner is a girl, it is much easier for the cheater to deceive everyone than it it is a girls trip and the cheater is bringing along a guy.

[Anonymous]

Right now all you have is second hand information. I'd go on the trip, and if A and B engaged in PDA on the trip, I'd ask A what was up, and let them know I wasn't okay with hiding their affair from the spouse.

Has C talked to A about this? Is there a chance that A and spouse have an open marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right now all you have is second hand information. I'd go on the trip, and if A and B engaged in PDA on the trip, I'd ask A what was up, and let them know I wasn't okay with hiding their affair from the spouse.

Has C talked to A about this? Is there a chance that A and spouse have an open marriage?

This. I'd pretend I did NOT have this info. Go on the trip. See how A and B are together. If it's obvious, then you ask A, IN FRONT OF B, "so did you and spouse break up?!" in a totally shocked manner. If A is going to be this cavalier about an affair, you have to assume that their spouse knows. And you should continue to assume that, because the spouse will know.

Do not lie for the cheater. Tell A that either they tell their spouse or the rest of you will. This is not cool.

[Anonymous]

I'd get my own hotel room and tell A that you're not staying at the group house due to the affair, and that s/he and B can eat the money they lose on it. I would NOT spread the information any further than that unless you're close to A's spouse. If you are close to A's spouse, then I would tell him/her.

[Anonymous]

All of you are crazy. This is totally speculative and gossip and third hand information. Also spouse may know already. I would MYOB, and proceed with life as usual (posting pictures, etc)