Friend is having affair - wants to bring "other person" on a group trip

[Anonymous]

I agree with your spouse.

I would reach out to Friend A's spouse and ask them if they are coming on the trip casually because you're working on sleeping arrangement assignments/logistics in the house and you hadn't been able to get in touch with Friend A that day. Say something like, 'I'm so excited for Prague Reunion 2018! Do you think you'll be able to make it? Just wondering if we need to reserve a room for you and Friend A or if she can bunk with Newbie B?" Then you will have 'innocently' informed Friend A's spouse of the situation.

If Spouse responds all, 'no I'm so sad to miss it have fun without me' then I would say you've done your best but if any PDA occurs on the trip you have a go ahead to call Friend A out and ask them to leave.

I would probably tell Friends C-Z as well because then odds are SOMEONE will call out Friend A to their face pre-trip.

[Anonymous]

why are they even bringing a "new friend" to a reunion of old friends? Are other friends bringing spouses?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what’s going on in the friend’s marriage or house, therefore I wouldn’t interfere and I wouldn’t care who s/he brought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right now all you have is second hand information. I'd go on the trip, and if A and B engaged in PDA on the trip, I'd ask A what was up, and let them know I wasn't okay with hiding their affair from the spouse.

Has C talked to A about this? Is there a chance that A and spouse have an open marriage?

OP here:
Friend A told me that Newbie B has an open marriage with their respective spouse. Friend A told me this because they knew I previously had an open relationship with one of my ex's and wanted to talk about. When I started asking more probing questions about the friendship between A & B, Friend A clammed up and changed the subject suddenly.

Friend A is awful at lying; I could see their faced get flushed over Skype. My spidey sense was tingled and I reached out to Friend C, since Friend A was being weirdly evasive. I was willing to give the benefit of the doubt that Friend A and their spouse may have an open relationship - no judgment at all on my end. Friend C confirmed that Friend A and their spouse do NOT have an open relationship, that the relationship between A&B is secret.

Friend A and Newbie B are opposite genders.

[Anonymous]

And quite frankly, if they’re public enough to bring this person around a group of friends, in public, I’d figure they don’t care about being too secretive. But still not my place to butt in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why are they even bringing a "new friend" to a reunion of old friends? Are other friends bringing spouses?

This would bother me the most.

Every year at Christmas we have a mini grade school reunion of about 7 girls I went through 1st-8th grade with. One girl started bringing her new friend. She would just sit there like a bump on a log, eat our food, and generally not say much. I'm like "WTF why are you even here?!?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why are they even bringing a "new friend" to a reunion of old friends? Are other friends bringing spouses?

OP here:
It's a mixed gender group. Some spouses will come along; mine won't. So no, this isn't a "girls trip."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In situations like this, what is loyalty? Sure, your loyalty should lie with your friend, but her loyalty should lie with her spouse.

I think you should go on the trip but tell the spouse.

Why do you assume that the spouse would want to know or, if the spouse already knows he/she would want to hear about it from some busybody. I would think the worse of you for taking such extra interest in my private life. You are not my friend, you don't know me, you don't know what's my opinion about it and what I would like to know. Use your energy for good, not to spoil my mood (which would be spoiled by you, not my spouse's actions).

You've never heard the phrase, "Don't kill the messenger," have you?

The expression exists for a reason: for me, you are worse than a cheating spouse because it's not your business and because you are judging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why are they even bringing a "new friend" to a reunion of old friends? Are other friends bringing spouses?

OP here:
It's a mixed gender group. Some spouses will come along; mine won't. So no, this isn't a "girls trip."

So if this is a trip for old friends to reunite, plus some bringing spouses, and this person is the only one bringing a new person no one has met, then it should be obvious to question friend A about why they're bringing a new person along

[Anonymous]

Why do people insist on throwing the word "judging" around as a badge of shame?

YES I'm JUDGING your character if you cheat on an unknowing spouse and want to bring your f*cktoy around me. Am I supposed to turn a blind eye toward everything anyone ever does lest I be "judgy"? Is discernment and character not a thing anymore?

Keep your dirt to yourself. I'm not perfect but yes, there are lines that can be crossed to make me question our friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In situations like this, what is loyalty? Sure, your loyalty should lie with your friend, but her loyalty should lie with her spouse.

I think you should go on the trip but tell the spouse.

Why do you assume that the spouse would want to know or, if the spouse already knows he/she would want to hear about it from some busybody. I would think the worse of you for taking such extra interest in my private life. You are not my friend, you don't know me, you don't know what's my opinion about it and what I would like to know. Use your energy for good, not to spoil my mood (which would be spoiled by you, not my spouse's actions).

Interesting perspective.

If your friend raped somebody, would you not report it? I know that situation is more extreme but the principle is the same.

However, I do agree somewhat and think op should discuss with their friend.

Not the same principle at all. Rape is a crime, adultery is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

+1
This is exactly what I would do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people insist on throwing the word "judging" around as a badge of shame?

YES I'm JUDGING your character if you cheat on an unknowing spouse and want to bring your f*cktoy around me. Am I supposed to turn a blind eye toward everything anyone ever does lest I be "judgy"? Is discernment and character not a thing anymore?

Keep your dirt to yourself. I'm not perfect but yes, there are lines that can be crossed to make me question our friendship.

THIS !

[Anonymous]

Enjoy the trip and stay out of A, B, C, D, E, F, and G's business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right now all you have is second hand information. I'd go on the trip, and if A and B engaged in PDA on the trip, I'd ask A what was up, and let them know I wasn't okay with hiding their affair from the spouse.

Has C talked to A about this? Is there a chance that A and spouse have an open marriage?

OP here:
Friend A told me that Newbie B has an open marriage with their respective spouse. Friend A told me this because they knew I previously had an open relationship with one of my ex's and wanted to talk about. When I started asking more probing questions about the friendship between A & B, Friend A clammed up and changed the subject suddenly.

Friend A is awful at lying; I could see their faced get flushed over Skype. My spidey sense was tingled and I reached out to Friend C, since Friend A was being weirdly evasive. I was willing to give the benefit of the doubt that Friend A and their spouse may have an open relationship - no judgment at all on my end. Friend C confirmed that Friend A and their spouse do NOT have an open relationship, that the relationship between A&B is secret.

Friend A and Newbie B are opposite genders.

Nothing has changed my opinion still. Friend A has not admitted/confirmed the affair and Friend C is still third hand information. Friend A is an idiot to bring AP along btw. If you tell spouse of Friend A anything, you're just a gossip stirring trouble and he will not believe you and anger Friend A. In a court this is not evidence. Are you willing to "tell" on your friend on just what friend C is telling you? Go on the trip.