Friend is having affair - wants to bring "other person" on a group trip

[Anonymous]

This is a totally bizarre situation so please bear with me.

I am traveling to Europe for work later this summer. A bunch of my friends currently live in Europe for their jobs. We've made a plan to have a "reunion" in the city where I'm traveling for my business trip - we have all known each other for many years. We will have a long weekend of sightseeing, food, drinks, going out dancing, etc. We rented a great house so we can all stay together.

Friend A is recently married, but living apart from their spouse due to overseas work assignments in different cities (1500+ miles apart). About halfway through the planning process, Friend A says "Oh, I'm inviting my new friend, Newbie B to join us on the trip. Newbie B is a great person, totally awesome." Newbie B even goes so far as to lay out the money to book the accommodations for the entire group (I found this really surprising), we will all pay Newbie B back.

In a private conversation over Skype, I ask Friend A: "Oh, is your spouse coming? It would be so good to see them! It's been too long." Friend A says their spouse can't come due to work commitments. Friend A basically keeps avoiding the topic of their spouse, but gushes on and on about Newbie B (whom I and most of the group has never met). It's weird.

I talk about this weirdness with Friend C, who is a longtime friend and also going on the trip. Friend C admits that Friend A has been having an affair with Newbie B for months. Friend C is the only person who knows, it has been weighing on their conscious the entire time. Friend A is seeing Newbie B multiple times per week. Friend A's spouse knows NOTHING about this and we are not even sure Friend A's spouse is aware of this trip.

The other friends attending this trip are completely unaware of these dynamics. We are all sharing housing together, all of us are friendly with Friend A's spouse (but definitely closer to Friend A). We attended their wedding only 20 months ago! If Friend A and Newbie B share a bedroom or start engaging in PDA, it will be completely shocking for the others attending.

My spouse thinks we are implicitly sanctioning this behavior by letting Newbie B attend. However, we had no idea this was happening when we were initially told about Newbie B's attendance. Also, my spouse believes we should alert the other friends attending. Unfortunately, plane tix have been purchased months and most of the money is a sunk cost. I don't want to be party to a torrid affair and having to hide all this from Friend A's spouse.

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I would do nothing at all. I think your spouse is completely wrong. Stop gossiping about A with C and don't start gossiping about A with D-Z. If A and B do something inappropriate on the trip, deal with it then. In the meantime, treat B as As friend. Take A's words at face value unless you learn personally - not through gossip - that you should not.

[Anonymous]

Wow. They have put you in a really tough situation. I would back out, tell everyone, and make my own accommodations. There is no way I would do this. It was really manipulative on their parts (A and B) the way they did this. I would have NO parts of this.

[Anonymous]

Is this the plot of the next season of Friends from College?

I will watch it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

[Anonymous]

Friend A is an idiot, but I would proceed with the trip, stay quiet, and see how it plays out. I wouldn't let her dalliance ruin the reunion, and right now all you have is second-hand information. Perhaps Friend A is working on a divorce - you just don't know what's going on. See how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Let them come but get your own accommodations. Take photos of the APs touching/kissing/necking and if the divorcing spouse asks you if you knew or for any evidence of alienation of affection in court - produce photos.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your spouse.

Saying nothing and going along makes you complicit.

I would flat out tell friend A that you would prefer if the affair partner does not attend. If you lose that friend is it really a loss?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

I assumed opposite genders than you . . .

[Anonymous]

I would have a conversation with friend A and ask her about her relationship with B. Something along the lines of "you've made this my business, so I need to ask. What's going on with B and with your spouse. If this is an affair, I really don't feel comfortable lying to spouse/covering up for you." There could be another explanation A and spouse could have an understanding or maybe they split but didn't make it public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

I assumed opposite genders than you . . .

OP here:
I kept it gender neutral on purpose. I want honest feedback - this is a very real situation. I don't want gender or sexual orientation to play a role in how people view this situation. It's crappy regardless of the genders involved.

Friend C has seen Friend A and Newbie B engage in PDA. Multiple times. Basically, Friend C has been complicit for months (they feel incredibly guilty) and it's about to suck in the rest of the friend group.

[Anonymous]

In situations like this, what is loyalty? Sure, your loyalty should lie with your friend, but her loyalty should lie with her spouse.

I think you should go on the trip but tell the spouse.

[Anonymous]

I would do nothing and I would not think about it. It's not my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In situations like this, what is loyalty? Sure, your loyalty should lie with your friend, but her loyalty should lie with her spouse.

I think you should go on the trip but tell the spouse.

Why do you assume that the spouse would want to know or, if the spouse already knows he/she would want to hear about it from some busybody. I would think the worse of you for taking such extra interest in my private life. You are not my friend, you don't know me, you don't know what's my opinion about it and what I would like to know. Use your energy for good, not to spoil my mood (which would be spoiled by you, not my spouse's actions).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a totally bizarre situation so please bear with me.

I am traveling to Europe for work later this summer. A bunch of my friends currently live in Europe for their jobs. We've made a plan to have a "reunion" in the city where I'm traveling for my business trip - we have all known each other for many years. We will have a long weekend of sightseeing, food, drinks, going out dancing, etc. We rented a great house so we can all stay together.

Friend A is recently married, but living apart from their spouse due to overseas work assignments in different cities (1500+ miles apart). About halfway through the planning process, Friend A says "Oh, I'm inviting my new friend, Newbie B to join us on the trip. Newbie B is a great person, totally awesome." Newbie B even goes so far as to lay out the money to book the accommodations for the entire group (I found this really surprising), we will all pay Newbie B back.

In a private conversation over Skype, I ask Friend A: "Oh, is your spouse coming? It would be so good to see them! It's been too long." Friend A says their spouse can't come due to work commitments. Friend A basically keeps avoiding the topic of their spouse, but gushes on and on about Newbie B (whom I and most of the group has never met). It's weird.

I talk about this weirdness with Friend C, who is a longtime friend and also going on the trip. Friend C admits that Friend A has been having an affair with Newbie B for months. Friend C is the only person who knows, it has been weighing on their conscious the entire time. Friend A is seeing Newbie B multiple times per week. Friend A's spouse knows NOTHING about this and we are not even sure Friend A's spouse is aware of this trip.

The other friends attending this trip are completely unaware of these dynamics. We are all sharing housing together, all of us are friendly with Friend A's spouse (but definitely closer to Friend A). We attended their wedding only 20 months ago! If Friend A and Newbie B share a bedroom or start engaging in PDA, it will be completely shocking for the others attending.

My spouse thinks we are implicitly sanctioning this behavior by letting Newbie B attend. However, we had no idea this was happening when we were initially told about Newbie B's attendance. Also, my spouse believes we should alert the other friends attending. Unfortunately, plane tix have been purchased months and most of the money is a sunk cost. I don't want to be party to a torrid affair and having to hide all this from Friend A's spouse.

WWYD?

I would tell the spouse of Friend A that he affair was happening and reply all to the group that this arrangement won’t work because you cannot condone adultery.