Low-sex marriages - why does this happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH knows that I value personal hygiene. In spite of that, he has been too lazy to shower for the last 11 days, so we haven't had sex over that time frame either. I can deal if he hasn't showered in a couple days, but by day 4, I'm too grossed out to get intimate.

I can't get over how disgusting this is. Does he work? Who he hell can go ELEVEN days without bathing? That is absolutely foul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is the low libido one. She'll often not feel like it when I try to initiate. She has ruled out morning sex pretty much permanently. She falls asleep on the couch at 9:30 many evenings. So, we routinely go 2-3 weeks without sex.

But, to make it worse, I have this passive aggressive side of me that - when we've gone a long time without sex - makes me want to extend the time we've gone without sex to, I don't know what - "show her," I guess. I don't want to have sex because I'm resentful about not having sex.

Then we'll have sex again, and it will be all good during that first week - when I'll try and usually fail to have sex again. The resentment resumes at weeks 2 and 3. Fucked up, I know.

I could have written this a year or two ago. 2 weeks without sex, I really started hating my DW. Then we would have sex, I would feel great about the relationship. Even if I wanted to remain mad at her about the infrequency, I couldn't. I had a couple of brief affairs. Crazy fun in the moment, really sad to see what you are missing with a fun and energetic sex partner. But not worth the worry of getting caught, STDs, etc. And AP always wanted more of my time and energy than I could offer.

Kids got older, DW was more receptive, we are back to once a week, which I consider low frequency. Honestly, the truth is DW is just not that sexual. She goes weeks without masturbating. Just doesn't need sex as often. I have come to accept the fact that masturbation is preferable to sex with a disinterested partner. If we have sex once a week or so, there is a chance she will be into it. If more frequently, almost certainly just going through the motions.

She is a fantastic woman and wife, just not a great sex partner. I think our situation is fairly typical. Once you set your expectations to what is realistic in a long-term heterosexual marriage, it is easier to accept reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife is the low libido one. She'll often not feel like it when I try to initiate. She has ruled out morning sex pretty much permanently. She falls asleep on the couch at 9:30 many evenings. So, we routinely go 2-3 weeks without sex.

But, to make it worse, I have this passive aggressive side of me that - when we've gone a long time without sex - makes me want to extend the time we've gone without sex to, I don't know what - "show her," I guess. I don't want to have sex because I'm resentful about not having sex.

Then we'll have sex again, and it will be all good during that first week - when I'll try and usually fail to have sex again. The resentment resumes at weeks 2 and 3. Fucked up, I know.

I could have written this a year or two ago. 2 weeks without sex, I really started hating my DW. Then we would have sex, I would feel great about the relationship. Even if I wanted to remain mad at her about the infrequency, I couldn't. I had a couple of brief affairs. Crazy fun in the moment, really sad to see what you are missing with a fun and energetic sex partner. But not worth the worry of getting caught, STDs, etc. And AP always wanted more of my time and energy than I could offer.

Kids got older, DW was more receptive, we are back to once a week, which I consider low frequency. Honestly, the truth is DW is just not that sexual. She goes weeks without masturbating. Just doesn't need sex as often. I have come to accept the fact that masturbation is preferable to sex with a disinterested partner. If we have sex once a week or so, there is a chance she will be into it. If more frequently, almost certainly just going through the motions.

She is a fantastic woman and wife, just not a great sex partner. I think our situation is fairly typical. Once you set your expectations to what is realistic in a long-term heterosexual marriage, it is easier to accept reality.

I wish I could accept it. I don't know why a highly sexual man was so threatening to me in my 20s.

[Anonymous]

I haved asked myself and wife why she is not interested in sex for 10 years and she just said all women hate sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I wish I could accept it. I don't know why a highly sexual man was so threatening to me in my 20s.

Not sure if it applies to your case, but women are given horrible messages about sex. Instead of a blessing that should be used to share joy, women are told that sex is something bad, to be feared, to be hoarded, to be used as leverage and as a reward but not to be enjoyed for its own sake. Sex is something that women give and men take, like it's some sort of zero-sum game in the battle between the sexes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I wish I could accept it. I don't know why a highly sexual man was so threatening to me in my 20s.

Not sure if it applies to your case, but women are given horrible messages about sex. Instead of a blessing that should be used to share joy, women are told that sex is something bad, to be feared, to be hoarded, to be used as leverage and as a reward but not to be enjoyed for its own sake. Sex is something that women give and men take, like it's some sort of zero-sum game in the battle between the sexes.

in my case, I think it was more like I lost my mind when heavily sexually involved with a guy and I hated that loss of control. Also hated the divide between me and my parents, who were freaked out by my sexuality.

[Anonymous]

I'll never complain about my 2x a week vanilla sex with my hot wife ever again!

I'm buying her flowers on my way home.

[Anonymous]

My husband is not very good in bed. Lacks experience and is also selfish (craves receiving oral sex; never performs it). He's also very sensitive to even the perception of criticism, so giving him pointers is hard. He has also gained weight and is not doing anything about it. It's much easier to just get myself off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll never complain about my 2x a week vanilla sex with my hot wife ever again!

I'm buying her flowers on my way home.

My kind of guy!

[Anonymous]

I'm the "Ultimatums DO work" poster, responding to some questions:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. How did she increase her desire? I ask because my husband simply won't get hard. As a woman it may be physically easier for her to have sex without being highly arounsed. I would have to not just give an ultimatum but somehow increase his desire too. Usually when I've talked to him about sex he says I stress him out and he is no longer able to perform.

Her desire didn't ever really increase. However she is now able/willing to "play along" (in a very convincing fashion) a couple times per week. Does your H know how to operate a sex toy for your benefit? Teach him.

Anonymous wrote:Did she cry and resist, or remain in denial for a period of time? Is she really into now, or just going through the motions? If a genuinely interested participant, what changed?

It definitely was NOT an overnight fix. Took many weeks even months to stabilize. She's not just going through the motions, or if so, then I can't really tell. She is highly "interested" in a happy marriage and meeting my legitimate needs. What changed is she realized that she would lose an otherwise pretty decent marriage over her inability (or unwillingness) to meet a very reasonable and completely normal need for sex. And that I likewise meet some of her non-sexual needs even if I don't entirely share that same need equally. Oh and the sex isn't really ever "bad" even when it's not her own idea to do it. Helps that I'm a pretty generous lover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the "Ultimatums DO work" poster, responding to some questions:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. How did she increase her desire? I ask because my husband simply won't get hard. As a woman it may be physically easier for her to have sex without being highly arounsed. I would have to not just give an ultimatum but somehow increase his desire too. Usually when I've talked to him about sex he says I stress him out and he is no longer able to perform.

Her desire didn't ever really increase. However she is now able/willing to "play along" (in a very convincing fashion) a couple times per week. Does your H know how to operate a sex toy for your benefit? Teach him.

Anonymous wrote:Did she cry and resist, or remain in denial for a period of time? Is she really into now, or just going through the motions? If a genuinely interested participant, what changed?

It definitely was NOT an overnight fix. Took many weeks even months to stabilize. She's not just going through the motions, or if so, then I can't really tell. She is highly "interested" in a happy marriage and meeting my legitimate needs. What changed is she realized that she would lose an otherwise pretty decent marriage over her inability (or unwillingness) to meet a very reasonable and completely normal need for sex. And that I likewise meet some of her non-sexual needs even if I don't entirely share that same need equally. Oh and the sex isn't really ever "bad" even when it's not her own idea to do it. Helps that I'm a pretty generous lover.

For whatever reason this really creeps me out. DW might be faking everything or "playing along" convincingly just to get him to stay - and he's totally OK with that. Ugh, I feel like I need to go shower.

[Anonymous]

How is that any different when she "tells me about her day" while I'm feigning interest but thinking about SportsCenter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the "Ultimatums DO work" poster, responding to some questions:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. How did she increase her desire? I ask because my husband simply won't get hard. As a woman it may be physically easier for her to have sex without being highly arounsed. I would have to not just give an ultimatum but somehow increase his desire too. Usually when I've talked to him about sex he says I stress him out and he is no longer able to perform.

Her desire didn't ever really increase. However she is now able/willing to "play along" (in a very convincing fashion) a couple times per week. Does your H know how to operate a sex toy for your benefit? Teach him.

Anonymous wrote:Did she cry and resist, or remain in denial for a period of time? Is she really into now, or just going through the motions? If a genuinely interested participant, what changed?

It definitely was NOT an overnight fix. Took many weeks even months to stabilize. She's not just going through the motions, or if so, then I can't really tell. She is highly "interested" in a happy marriage and meeting my legitimate needs. What changed is she realized that she would lose an otherwise pretty decent marriage over her inability (or unwillingness) to meet a very reasonable and completely normal need for sex. And that I likewise meet some of her non-sexual needs even if I don't entirely share that same need equally. Oh and the sex isn't really ever "bad" even when it's not her own idea to do it. Helps that I'm a pretty generous lover.

For whatever reason this really creeps me out. DW might be faking everything or "playing along" convincingly just to get him to stay - and he's totally OK with that. Ugh, I feel like I need to go shower.

She is making the choice to stay in the marriage and meet her husbands demands. He was honest with her, and the rest was up to her. This is what she chose. Hopefully she is happy with her choice. What is the alternative for either of them. For her, divorce or she is cheated on, for him divorce or he cheats. A marriage without sex due to a partner withholding is so incredibly damaging. If you haven't lived it, you can't understand. I have, my DH lost interest in sex, so I do know. Things are on the mend for us after me threatening to leave, but a lot of damage was done.

Also, if it matters, I am a DW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the "Ultimatums DO work" poster, responding to some questions:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. How did she increase her desire? I ask because my husband simply won't get hard. As a woman it may be physically easier for her to have sex without being highly arounsed. I would have to not just give an ultimatum but somehow increase his desire too. Usually when I've talked to him about sex he says I stress him out and he is no longer able to perform.

Her desire didn't ever really increase. However she is now able/willing to "play along" (in a very convincing fashion) a couple times per week. Does your H know how to operate a sex toy for your benefit? Teach him.

Anonymous wrote:Did she cry and resist, or remain in denial for a period of time? Is she really into now, or just going through the motions? If a genuinely interested participant, what changed?

It definitely was NOT an overnight fix. Took many weeks even months to stabilize. She's not just going through the motions, or if so, then I can't really tell. She is highly "interested" in a happy marriage and meeting my legitimate needs. What changed is she realized that she would lose an otherwise pretty decent marriage over her inability (or unwillingness) to meet a very reasonable and completely normal need for sex. And that I likewise meet some of her non-sexual needs even if I don't entirely share that same need equally. Oh and the sex isn't really ever "bad" even when it's not her own idea to do it. Helps that I'm a pretty generous lover.

For whatever reason this really creeps me out. DW might be faking everything or "playing along" convincingly just to get him to stay - and he's totally OK with that. Ugh, I feel like I need to go shower.

She is making the choice to stay in the marriage and meet her husbands demands. He was honest with her, and the rest was up to her. This is what she chose. Hopefully she is happy with her choice. What is the alternative for either of them. For her, divorce or she is cheated on, for him divorce or he cheats. A marriage without sex due to a partner withholding is so incredibly damaging. If you haven't lived it, you can't understand. I have, my DH lost interest in sex, so I do know. Things are on the mend for us after me threatening to leave, but a lot of damage was done.

Also, if it matters, I am a DW.

I'm a DW too and I've reached the true ultimatum point. Many people do not understand how damaging the withholding of affection can be.

[Anonymous]

If she's "meeting my demands" (reasonable or not) for fear of the alternative after an ultimatum, then no thanks.

On the other hand, I'm ok with it if - after I'm honest about what I want and need and, because she loves me - she tries to make sex a higher priority because she finally understands it's a critical component of the marriage.