Low-sex marriages - why does this happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a low sex drive. My husband feels like I should be the one to make the first move, and if I don't we don't have sex. If he would, I don't usually say no.

He's bad at math, too.

Your husband's position makes a lot of sense. Say he wants to have sex most of the time and you want to have sex some of the time. The goal is to have sex when both of you want to.

You know when you want to have sex. He does not know when you want to have sex. More likely than not, the times you want to have sex will overlap with when he wants to. So, you have the best information about the ideal timing. That means, if you initiate, that's your best shot of avoiding sex when one of you would rather not be bothered.

Yeah, PP's post was the ultimate controlling, manipulative, passive-aggressive bullshit. Since she's the withholding spouse, he gets to choose from a menu of 1) rejection, 2) duty sex, 3) waiting for her to initiate to avoid 1&2, but having to accept the frequency dictated by the low-drive partner with a side of "hey, if you want more frequency, you should risk 1 or 2 more often."

What a gem.

[Anonymous]

Pp, when he says he wants you to initiate that means he wants to feel wanted, desired. Sex is more than just bodies bumping together for men. It makes them feel good about themselves. I think this is largely true for women as well. So even if you're not in the mood, perhaps you could initiate sex, not because you want to have sex, but because you want to make him happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been together 15 years with no O for me when we are intimate. I can on my own but not with him. I really can't bare to fake it more than twice a month. We've gone 6 months without.

I know he needs more but I need it to be worth it for me too. But how do u tell a man he has never made u come?

Guy here. I wouldn't want to hear that you've been unhappy for 15 years. Because honestly, I'd wonder why you waited so long to tell me. What you should focus on is telling him honestly what turns you on and what will make you cum. Touch me here, lick me there, talk like this, etc. Make it a positive experience- I know I've never asked you to do this but it really turns me on if...

And if you don't know what gets you off- sorry, its not his fault, its yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been together 15 years with no O for me when we are intimate. I can on my own but not with him. I really can't bare to fake it more than twice a month. We've gone 6 months without.

I know he needs more but I need it to be worth it for me too. But how do u tell a man he has never made u come?

Guy here. I wouldn't want to hear that you've been unhappy for 15 years. Because honestly, I'd wonder why you waited so long to tell me. What you should focus on is telling him honestly what turns you on and what will make you cum. Touch me here, lick me there, talk like this, etc. Make it a positive experience- I know I've never asked you to do this but it really turns me on if...

And if you don't know what gets you off- sorry, its not his fault, its yours.

+1. Take responsibility for knowing what will make your body respond and for telling him explicitly. If you do that and then he ignores your requests, then you have a problem that's his fault.

Also, "Be better. You've always sucked at this." isn't helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It wasn't a threat to cheat. And i did not cheat in secret.
It was the truth: i refuse to stay faithful to a sexless spouse.
Problem solved. No regrets here and advise others to likewise be honest.

Well if I recall correctly, it was not a sexless marriage - just not up to your specifications. And you gave your wife some kind of deadline and requirements to refrain from cheating. Yuck, I will repeat.

I like your term: specifications.
Let's say the relationship and marriage begin and with Specifications "A" for sexual frequency, variety, mutual interest, etc.
Let's say that Specs "A" are sustained for quite a while during the marriage, again both sides are happy.
Then let's say after many years and 2 kids, the wife chooses to invent a new set of sexual specifications, Specs "B", which are significantly less then Specs "A".
Let's also say that Specs "B" are not a sustainable level for me to remain happily married, and that I'm willing to work on whatever issues my wife needs to return closer towards Specs "A" and that I'll compromise a bit here just that Specs "B" are at such an extreme it simply DOES.NOT.WORK.

Would you advise that I keep quiet on that?
Or should I be honest about my need (which really hasn't increased from Day 1 of the relationship)?
Should I respectfully and openly discuss the issue and offer her some alternatives that maybe we both could live with?
For example: divorce?
Please let me know how SHOULD a man deal with a wife who decides to "cut way back" in the sex department.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It wasn't a threat to cheat. And i did not cheat in secret.
It was the truth: i refuse to stay faithful to a sexless spouse.
Problem solved. No regrets here and advise others to likewise be honest.

Well if I recall correctly, it was not a sexless marriage - just not up to your specifications. And you gave your wife some kind of deadline and requirements to refrain from cheating. Yuck, I will repeat.

I like your term: specifications.
Let's say the relationship and marriage begin and with Specifications "A" for sexual frequency, variety, mutual interest, etc.
Let's say that Specs "A" are sustained for quite a while during the marriage, again both sides are happy.
Then let's say after many years and 2 kids, the wife chooses to invent a new set of sexual specifications, Specs "B", which are significantly less then Specs "A".
Let's also say that Specs "B" are not a sustainable level for me to remain happily married, and that I'm willing to work on whatever issues my wife needs to return closer towards Specs "A" and that I'll compromise a bit here just that Specs "B" are at such an extreme it simply DOES.NOT.WORK.

Would you advise that I keep quiet on that?
Or should I be honest about my need (which really hasn't increased from Day 1 of the relationship)?
Should I respectfully and openly discuss the issue and offer her some alternatives that maybe we both could live with?
For example: divorce?
Please let me know how SHOULD a man deal with a wife who decides to "cut way back" in the sex department.

God, you are still so clueless about sexuality. I guess it's possible that your wife set out to deliberately stop having as much sex as you want. But much more likely that, you know, LIFE just happened, to make her less interested in doing it 4x/week. This is totally normal, so normal, not some kind of breach of contract like you seem to be saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be interesting to know the ages of all these low-sex marriage posters.

I hope none of you women are in your 40s. I'm dating a 40-something woman, and O M G! Her sex drive is in overdrive. It's really wonderful and amazing.

It really sucks to be a woman in her 40s and be married to a low drive guy, though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been together 15 years with no O for me when we are intimate. I can on my own but not with him. I really can't bare to fake it more than twice a month. We've gone 6 months without.

I know he needs more but I need it to be worth it for me too. But how do u tell a man he has never made u come?

Show him what works for you.

[Anonymous]

No o lady here... I've shared he's stayed doing the same or something completely different that's not working.

I don't think he's fully to blame. I don't speak up enough and faking has become routine.

Showing him is not an option. he'd never go for that. Then I'd feel rejected for asking.

Starting to understand y people cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No o lady here... I've shared he's stayed doing the same or something completely different that's not working.

I don't think he's fully to blame. I don't speak up enough and faking has become routine.

Showing him is not an option. he'd never go for that. Then I'd feel rejected for asking.

Starting to understand y people cheat.

I like to try to see things from other peoples' point of view, but I can't even begin to climb inside the head of a guy who would object to his wife showing him what makes her feel good. Sexy as hell to watch and makes things easier and better going forward.

[Anonymous]

No O lady, what is it you'd need him to do that he wouldn't do?

Here's what I would do. To get around having to tell him you've been faking it, I'd stop faking it. I'd tell him that it seems like your hormones or something must have shifted with time, and you need to try some new things.

Buy some sex toys and try them out with him. Or who knows, he may have secretly been longing to do some of the things with you that you need. You have to own that you're responsible for your orgasms. Take the burden off him. If he feels threatened by that, it's his problem. What's he going to do, withhold sex? No loss, eh. But there are ways to communicate and share your sexuality with him without being threatening. It's a big hurdle for you, maybe, to get over, but talk yourself into doing it. You're not an object that only reacts when OTHERS touch you. Show him, and at the same time, enjoy yourself. If he doesn't want to do what you show him, then do it yourself, when you're with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No o lady here... I've shared he's stayed doing the same or something completely different that's not working.

I don't think he's fully to blame. I don't speak up enough and faking has become routine.

Showing him is not an option. he'd never go for that. Then I'd feel rejected for asking.

Starting to understand y people cheat.

I like to try to see things from other peoples' point of view, but I can't even begin to climb inside the head of a guy who would object to his wife showing him what makes her feel good. Sexy as hell to watch and makes things easier and better going forward.

Oh yes, I love watching my partner get her fingers down there and lend a hand. I don't have issues getting her off, but having her help makes it better for her, more exciting for me, and just free and unrestrained.

It's such a crazy complicated issue for couples when the communication breaks down. All it should take is a simple, "would you mind trying this? I think it would feel better", and the partner should be open and excited about trying it. For whatever the reasons, that doesn't happen enough. If more people had good/great sex, there would be a lot less unhappiness in the world!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be interesting to know the ages of all these low-sex marriage posters.

I hope none of you women are in your 40s. I'm dating a 40-something woman, and O M G! Her sex drive is in overdrive. It's really wonderful and amazing.

It really sucks to be a woman in her 40s and be married to a low drive guy, though

Or a premature ejaculator. That is a libido-killer, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No o lady here... I've shared he's stayed doing the same or something completely different that's not working.

I don't think he's fully to blame. I don't speak up enough and faking has become routine.

Showing him is not an option. he'd never go for that. Then I'd feel rejected for asking.

Starting to understand y people cheat.

I like to try to see things from other peoples' point of view, but I can't even begin to climb inside the head of a guy who would object to his wife showing him what makes her feel good. Sexy as hell to watch and makes things easier and better going forward.

My husband wouldn't like me to show him. It would make him feel inept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No o lady here... I've shared he's stayed doing the same or something completely different that's not working.

I don't think he's fully to blame. I don't speak up enough and faking has become routine.

Showing him is not an option. he'd never go for that. Then I'd feel rejected for asking.

Starting to understand y people cheat.

I like to try to see things from other peoples' point of view, but I can't even begin to climb inside the head of a guy who would object to his wife showing him what makes her feel good. Sexy as hell to watch and makes things easier and better going forward.

My husband wouldn't like me to show him. It would make him feel inept.

Then he should let you invite another man into the bedroom to show him how it's done!