Low-sex marriages - why does this happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No o lady here... I've shared he's stayed doing the same or something completely different that's not working.

I don't think he's fully to blame. I don't speak up enough and faking has become routine.

Showing him is not an option. he'd never go for that. Then I'd feel rejected for asking.

Starting to understand y people cheat.

I like to try to see things from other peoples' point of view, but I can't even begin to climb inside the head of a guy who would object to his wife showing him what makes her feel good. Sexy as hell to watch and makes things easier and better going forward.

My husband wouldn't like me to show him. It would make him feel inept.

Guy again- Has he explicitly said this? If so, he has some serious confidence issues.

Since this is the non-explicit, I'll try my best to keep it that way but-

Have the two of you just masturbated next to each other? Ask him to give oral and then do what you need to do to get the O. If he wants to stop and have intercourse, just be assertive and say you really just want to cum all over his face this time and you'll take care of him after.

It sounds like the two of you aren't communicating well. You shouldn't say "here are the steps you need to do to make me cum" but rather incorporate what you need to do to get off with him. For example, my wife almost always rubs her clit to cum during sex. Its what she needs to do and I have no problems knowing she needs more than penetration to be satisfied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No o lady here... I've shared he's stayed doing the same or something completely different that's not working.

I don't think he's fully to blame. I don't speak up enough and faking has become routine.

Showing him is not an option. he'd never go for that. Then I'd feel rejected for asking.

Starting to understand y people cheat.

I like to try to see things from other peoples' point of view, but I can't even begin to climb inside the head of a guy who would object to his wife showing him what makes her feel good. Sexy as hell to watch and makes things easier and better going forward.

My husband wouldn't like me to show him. It would make him feel inept.

Sex is a very personal, idiosyncratic matter, so I won't judge another guy's hang ups. But I'd hope he could understand that there should be no shame in not "just knowing." A woman has access to the equipment 24/7 and all of the feedback about what feels good and what doesn't. Of *course* she's going to know better than anyone else how to make things work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No O lady, what is it you'd need him to do that he wouldn't do?

Here's what I would do. To get around having to tell him you've been faking it, I'd stop faking it. I'd tell him that it seems like your hormones or something must have shifted with time, and you need to try some new things.

Buy some sex toys and try them out with him. Or who knows, he may have secretly been longing to do some of the things with you that you need. You have to own that you're responsible for your orgasms. Take the burden off him. If he feels threatened by that, it's his problem. What's he going to do, withhold sex? No loss, eh. But there are ways to communicate and share your sexuality with him without being threatening. It's a big hurdle for you, maybe, to get over, but talk yourself into doing it. You're not an object that only reacts when OTHERS touch you. Show him, and at the same time, enjoy yourself. If he doesn't want to do what you show him, then do it yourself, when you're with him.

I am not that person but I have a similar issue in that I orgasm very regularly with myself, and pretty much never with my DH. Because:

- when I ask for oral, it's always "next time" or a set of ridiculous excuses
- he says no to sex toys
- he touches me about 200% rougher than I like with manual stimulation, and
- if I touch myself when I'm with him, then I feel resentful because I would just rather do it by myself instead of doing all the work myself with him fumbling about. Then it becomes basically about making my body available to him, with me rubbing myself to an orgasm navigating around whatever he is doing with me, which is never what I need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No O lady, what is it you'd need him to do that he wouldn't do?

Here's what I would do. To get around having to tell him you've been faking it, I'd stop faking it. I'd tell him that it seems like your hormones or something must have shifted with time, and you need to try some new things.

Buy some sex toys and try them out with him. Or who knows, he may have secretly been longing to do some of the things with you that you need. You have to own that you're responsible for your orgasms. Take the burden off him. If he feels threatened by that, it's his problem. What's he going to do, withhold sex? No loss, eh. But there are ways to communicate and share your sexuality with him without being threatening. It's a big hurdle for you, maybe, to get over, but talk yourself into doing it. You're not an object that only reacts when OTHERS touch you. Show him, and at the same time, enjoy yourself. If he doesn't want to do what you show him, then do it yourself, when you're with him.

I am not that person but I have a similar issue in that I orgasm very regularly with myself, and pretty much never with my DH. Because:

- when I ask for oral, it's always "next time" or a set of ridiculous excuses
- he says no to sex toys
- he touches me about 200% rougher than I like with manual stimulation, and
- if I touch myself when I'm with him, then I feel resentful because I would just rather do it by myself instead of doing all the work myself with him fumbling about. Then it becomes basically about making my body available to him, with me rubbing myself to an orgasm navigating around whatever he is doing with me, which is never what I need.

The first three completely make sense and are on him. The last one is tougher to work around -- if he changed his stripes on oral, sex toys, and listening to you when you tell him what feels good, do you think the resentment would fade and allow you to show him what to do without feeling put out about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No O lady, what is it you'd need him to do that he wouldn't do?

Here's what I would do. To get around having to tell him you've been faking it, I'd stop faking it. I'd tell him that it seems like your hormones or something must have shifted with time, and you need to try some new things.

Buy some sex toys and try them out with him. Or who knows, he may have secretly been longing to do some of the things with you that you need. You have to own that you're responsible for your orgasms. Take the burden off him. If he feels threatened by that, it's his problem. What's he going to do, withhold sex? No loss, eh. But there are ways to communicate and share your sexuality with him without being threatening. It's a big hurdle for you, maybe, to get over, but talk yourself into doing it. You're not an object that only reacts when OTHERS touch you. Show him, and at the same time, enjoy yourself. If he doesn't want to do what you show him, then do it yourself, when you're with him.

I am not that person but I have a similar issue in that I orgasm very regularly with myself, and pretty much never with my DH. Because:

- when I ask for oral, it's always "next time" or a set of ridiculous excuses
- he says no to sex toys
- he touches me about 200% rougher than I like with manual stimulation, and
- if I touch myself when I'm with him, then I feel resentful because I would just rather do it by myself instead of doing all the work myself with him fumbling about. Then it becomes basically about making my body available to him, with me rubbing myself to an orgasm navigating around whatever he is doing with me, which is never what I need.

The first three completely make sense and are on him. The last one is tougher to work around -- if he changed his stripes on oral, sex toys, and listening to you when you tell him what feels good, do you think the resentment would fade and allow you to show him what to do without feeling put out about it?

I don't mind showing because this means he'll do it next time. I mind being told to do the work myself.

[Anonymous]

No o lady here. DH brought up in a conservative culture. Masturbation is taboo. While he knows i do it asking him to watch would be wrong to him. Not the norm anymore i know but its what im working with.

[Anonymous]

I am not that person but I have a similar issue in that I orgasm very regularly with myself, and pretty much never with my DH. Because:

- when I ask for oral, it's always "next time" or a set of ridiculous excuses
- he says no to sex toys
- he touches me about 200% rougher than I like with manual stimulation, and
- if I touch myself when I'm with him, then I feel resentful because I would just rather do it by myself instead of doing all the work myself with him fumbling about. Then it becomes basically about making my body available to him, with me rubbing myself to an orgasm navigating around whatever he is doing with me, which is never what I need.

My God this is depressing. And yet, sadly an accurate description of many many relationships. And probably 80% of the reason why all these (female) spouses are "low drive."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No o lady here. DH brought up in a conservative culture. Masturbation is taboo. While he knows i do it asking him to watch would be wrong to him. Not the norm anymore i know but its what im working with.

Just to clarify- has he explicitly said this or are you assuming?

For example, if you were to casually lay next to him on your back, spread your legs a bit and put one of your legs over one of his, turn to him, smile, and start masturbating while maintaining eye contact- would he say its wrong or do you think he'd get a stiffy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am not that person but I have a similar issue in that I orgasm very regularly with myself, and pretty much never with my DH. Because:

- when I ask for oral, it's always "next time" or a set of ridiculous excuses
- he says no to sex toys
- he touches me about 200% rougher than I like with manual stimulation, and
- if I touch myself when I'm with him, then I feel resentful because I would just rather do it by myself instead of doing all the work myself with him fumbling about. Then it becomes basically about making my body available to him, with me rubbing myself to an orgasm navigating around whatever he is doing with me, which is never what I need.

My God this is depressing. And yet, sadly an accurate description of many many relationships. And probably 80% of the reason why all these (female) spouses are "low drive."

Doubt it's 80%. I think it's pretty common for a desperate husband in a low sex marriage to have tried very hard. If it was as simple as watching and learning when she showed him what she wanted, these guys putting a lot of effort into trying to get laid would have done that pretty early on.

My guess is that familiarity, hormones, and a wife's failure to prioritize sex is at least as responsible as the guy who ignores clear instructions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No o lady here. DH brought up in a conservative culture. Masturbation is taboo. While he knows i do it asking him to watch would be wrong to him. Not the norm anymore i know but its what im working with.

Just to clarify- has he explicitly said this or are you assuming?

For example, if you were to casually lay next to him on your back, spread your legs a bit and put one of your legs over one of his, turn to him, smile, and start masturbating while maintaining eye contact- would he say its wrong or do you think he'd get a stiffy?

With those conservative cultures, it's probably both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I like your term: specifications.
Let's say the relationship and marriage begin and with Specifications "A" for sexual frequency, variety, mutual interest, etc.
Let's say that Specs "A" are sustained for quite a while during the marriage, again both sides are happy.
Then let's say after many years and 2 kids, the wife chooses to invent a new set of sexual specifications, Specs "B", which are significantly less then Specs "A".
Let's also say that Specs "B" are not a sustainable level for me to remain happily married, and that I'm willing to work on whatever issues my wife needs to return closer towards Specs "A" and that I'll compromise a bit here just that Specs "B" are at such an extreme it simply DOES.NOT.WORK.

Would you advise that I keep quiet on that?
Or should I be honest about my need (which really hasn't increased from Day 1 of the relationship)?
Should I respectfully and openly discuss the issue and offer her some alternatives that maybe we both could live with?
For example: divorce?
Please let me know how SHOULD a man deal with a wife who decides to "cut way back" in the sex department.

God, you are still so clueless about sexuality. I guess it's possible that your wife set out to deliberately stop having as much sex as you want. But much more likely that, you know, LIFE just happened, to make her less interested in doing it 4x/week. This is totally normal, so normal, not some kind of breach of contract like you seem to be saying.

LIFE does not "just happen"
That is such a passive statement, and just reeks of excuse making.
Sorry but we make time for the things that are important.
And you can't "shame" me into keeping quiet about something that's important to me that my wife has unilaterally chosen to reduce tenfold from earlier in our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am not that person but I have a similar issue in that I orgasm very regularly with myself, and pretty much never with my DH. Because:

- when I ask for oral, it's always "next time" or a set of ridiculous excuses
- he says no to sex toys
- he touches me about 200% rougher than I like with manual stimulation, and
- if I touch myself when I'm with him, then I feel resentful because I would just rather do it by myself instead of doing all the work myself with him fumbling about. Then it becomes basically about making my body available to him, with me rubbing myself to an orgasm navigating around whatever he is doing with me, which is never what I need.

My God this is depressing. And yet, sadly an accurate description of many many relationships. And probably 80% of the reason why all these (female) spouses are "low drive."

Doubt it's 80%. I think it's pretty common for a desperate husband in a low sex marriage to have tried very hard. If it was as simple as watching and learning when she showed him what she wanted, these guys putting a lot of effort into trying to get laid would have done that pretty early on.

My guess is that familiarity, hormones, and a wife's failure to prioritize sex is at least as responsible as the guy who ignores clear instructions.

Low sex marriages happen in so, so many more forms than "desperate husband" and withholding wife..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No o lady here. DH brought up in a conservative culture. Masturbation is taboo. While he knows i do it asking him to watch would be wrong to him. Not the norm anymore i know but its what im working with.

Just to clarify- has he explicitly said this or are you assuming?

For example, if you were to casually lay next to him on your back, spread your legs a bit and put one of your legs over one of his, turn to him, smile, and start masturbating while maintaining eye contact- would he say its wrong or do you think he'd get a stiffy?

Ive tried asking him about madterbation in general to see if it bothers him that i do he was too uncomfortable sayong he knows i do but he doesnt want to talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Doubt it's 80%. I think it's pretty common for a desperate husband in a low sex marriage to have tried very hard. If it was as simple as watching and learning when she showed him what she wanted, these guys putting a lot of effort into trying to get laid would have done that pretty early on.

My guess is that familiarity, hormones, and a wife's failure to prioritize sex is at least as responsible as the guy who ignores clear instructions.

Low sex marriages happen in so, so many more forms than "desperate husband" and withholding wife..

True. But desperate husband and withholding wife is common enough to be a cliche.

[Anonymous]

I'm a low sex drive person in the first place. We used to have sex maybe 1-2x/week or much more while we were TTC. Since I've had a baby, we have had sex about 10-15 times in a year because it has been so painful or just not pleasurable. I'm seeing a doctor and am now on some medication that should help get things back to normal. I have also been completely exhausted while working full-time and taking care of the baby, so that doesn't help. I'm glad that I miss (good) sex with my husband and I'm looking forward to having my body back from pregnancy/breastfeeding.