Low-sex marriages - why does this happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married four years and we have sex at most once a month. He has always had low drive/ED. I had to push him to get viagra. that made a difference. My sex drive was average for the most part but since having a baby its dropped. And the truth is that he isn't good in bed. We have never had a passionate dymanic. I have had a LOT more experience than DH so I know what I want etc. I have tried to talk to him about what I need etc. But he lacks confidence and experience. I think if I had someone on the side it would help with the marriage. I am not going to get a divorce over this because of kids.

Truthfully, this is a sad story. You may have to give him an ultimatum before he changes.

Ultimatums don't work. The spouse may change for a bit but at the end of the day they have a low sex drive and will revert back to their old ways sooner rather than later. You can't change someone. Either cheat OE get used to living without a lot of sex.

Ultimatums DO work but only if you really mean it. Because then it's not really you giving an ultimatum so much as you just being honest for once.
I say this from personal experience, having reached such a low point of sexless marriage that I was no longer willing to live a forced celibate life. I eventually told my wife exactly this: we either fix our marriage or we end it. (I did not bring up option 3 which is to stay married and I have sex elsewhere ... I would have certainly raised this option depending on how the conversation was going). This was not brinkmanship, not an ultimatum. This was the honest truth, brutal as it may seem. Years later, we remain married and have a pretty decent sexlife.

So ask yourself: will I be happy remaining married and faithful to somebody who consistently ignores my completely reasonable sexual needs?
I decided that I could not, and this was a pretty important revelation, one that I needed to share my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an unmarried man, this thread is depressing. I'm sorry but this marriage thing is bullsh!t

Check out the explicit forum, lots of sexually active married people over there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married four years and we have sex at most once a month. He has always had low drive/ED. I had to push him to get viagra. that made a difference. My sex drive was average for the most part but since having a baby its dropped. And the truth is that he isn't good in bed. We have never had a passionate dymanic. I have had a LOT more experience than DH so I know what I want etc. I have tried to talk to him about what I need etc. But he lacks confidence and experience. I think if I had someone on the side it would help with the marriage. I am not going to get a divorce over this because of kids.

Truthfully, this is a sad story. You may have to give him an ultimatum before he changes.

Ultimatums don't work. The spouse may change for a bit but at the end of the day they have a low sex drive and will revert back to their old ways sooner rather than later. You can't change someone. Either cheat OE get used to living without a lot of sex.

Ultimatums DO work but only if you really mean it. Because then it's not really you giving an ultimatum so much as you just being honest for once.
I say this from personal experience, having reached such a low point of sexless marriage that I was no longer willing to live a forced celibate life. I eventually told my wife exactly this: we either fix our marriage or we end it. (I did not bring up option 3 which is to stay married and I have sex elsewhere ... I would have certainly raised this option depending on how the conversation was going). This was not brinkmanship, not an ultimatum. This was the honest truth, brutal as it may seem. Years later, we remain married and have a pretty decent sexlife.

So ask yourself: will I be happy remaining married and faithful to somebody who consistently ignores my completely reasonable sexual needs?
I decided that I could not, and this was a pretty important revelation, one that I needed to share my spouse.

Good post. Assuming that you did it without rage or shaming, then this is exactly how it should be done. So much better than sulking, manipulating, or cheating. Bravo!

- low sex drive DW

[Anonymous]

We both have medium-low drive. When DH is stressed, that gets lower, or if I can sick, no desire (and I feel like I was battling some sort of kid germ all winter). DH started exercising in the early mornings, so is exhausted, and often asleep when I get back from the gym in the evenings.we try to make it happen once a week, but it often goes longer. DH is the opposite of spontaneous, so I feel like it's all on me to make more (and better) sex happen, plus I'm kind of bored with our sex life, so I get a little resentful and don't put in the effort. Overall, lots of little excuses, but generally a happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married four years and we have sex at most once a month. He has always had low drive/ED. I had to push him to get viagra. that made a difference. My sex drive was average for the most part but since having a baby its dropped. And the truth is that he isn't good in bed. We have never had a passionate dymanic. I have had a LOT more experience than DH so I know what I want etc. I have tried to talk to him about what I need etc. But he lacks confidence and experience. I think if I had someone on the side it would help with the marriage. I am not going to get a divorce over this because of kids.

Truthfully, this is a sad story. You may have to give him an ultimatum before he changes.

Ultimatums don't work. The spouse may change for a bit but at the end of the day they have a low sex drive and will revert back to their old ways sooner rather than later. You can't change someone. Either cheat OE get used to living without a lot of sex.

Ultimatums DO work but only if you really mean it. Because then it's not really you giving an ultimatum so much as you just being honest for once.
I say this from personal experience, having reached such a low point of sexless marriage that I was no longer willing to live a forced celibate life. I eventually told my wife exactly this: we either fix our marriage or we end it. (I did not bring up option 3 which is to stay married and I have sex elsewhere ... I would have certainly raised this option depending on how the conversation was going). This was not brinkmanship, not an ultimatum. This was the honest truth, brutal as it may seem. Years later, we remain married and have a pretty decent sexlife.

So ask yourself: will I be happy remaining married and faithful to somebody who consistently ignores my completely reasonable sexual needs?
I decided that I could not, and this was a pretty important revelation, one that I needed to share my spouse.

Interesting. How did she increase her desire? I ask because my husband simply won't get hard. As a woman it may be physically easier for her to have sex without being highly arounsed. I would have to not just give an ultimatum but somehow increase his desire too.

Usually when I've talked to him about sex he says I stress him out and he is no longer able to perform.

[Anonymous]

What about porn? Morally I have never had a problem with porn or strip clubs, etc. However, I think that porn and the media has made men especially turned off by their wives and girlfriends. They believe there is an endless supply of young beautiful women with perfect bodies who want nothing more than to pleasure the men, no demands or needs of their own.

I was disappointed to learn that some men would prefer to be with one of the models in a porn magazine or would find it easier to masturbate to born than to pay for a cup of coffee or dinner to take the time to get to know how a real woman feels and reacts sexually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about porn? Morally I have never had a problem with porn or strip clubs, etc. However, I think that porn and the media has made men especially turned off by their wives and girlfriends. They believe there is an endless supply of young beautiful women with perfect bodies who want nothing more than to pleasure the men, no demands or needs of their own.

I was disappointed to learn that some men would prefer to be with one of the models in a porn magazine or would find it easier to masturbate to born than to pay for a cup of coffee or dinner to take the time to get to know how a real woman feels and reacts sexually.

I tend to think that porn and masturbation are mostly distinct from what a person is getting out of sex with their spouse. There is some overlap, and some people have a problem, but mostly one is not a substitute for the other.

That said, the underlined portion of your comment gave me pause. Is there some rule that men should have to do the pursuing? Or is that just a function of the pre-Internet "marketplace" where the amount of male desire for sex exceeded the amount of female desire for sex? And, if so, did the Internet (and the ready availability of porn) change that dynamic? In other words, if a woman wants to show a man that she's a more rewarding experience than porn, shouldn't she be paying for coffee and dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about porn? Morally I have never had a problem with porn or strip clubs, etc. However, I think that porn and the media has made men especially turned off by their wives and girlfriends. They believe there is an endless supply of young beautiful women with perfect bodies who want nothing more than to pleasure the men, no demands or needs of their own.

I was disappointed to learn that some men would prefer to be with one of the models in a porn magazine or would find it easier to masturbate to born than to pay for a cup of coffee or dinner to take the time to get to know how a real woman feels and reacts sexually.

I tend to think that porn and masturbation are mostly distinct from what a person is getting out of sex with their spouse. There is some overlap, and some people have a problem, but mostly one is not a substitute for the other.

That said, the underlined portion of your comment gave me pause. Is there some rule that men should have to do the pursuing? Or is that just a function of the pre-Internet "marketplace" where the amount of male desire for sex exceeded the amount of female desire for sex? And, if so, did the Internet (and the ready availability of porn) change that dynamic? In other words, if a woman wants to show a man that she's a more rewarding experience than porn, shouldn't she be paying for coffee and dinner?

Porn adds another option or competes for time, energy, resources that could improve the sex life of the married couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about porn? Morally I have never had a problem with porn or strip clubs, etc. However, I think that porn and the media has made men especially turned off by their wives and girlfriends. They believe there is an endless supply of young beautiful women with perfect bodies who want nothing more than to pleasure the men, no demands or needs of their own.

I was disappointed to learn that some men would prefer to be with one of the models in a porn magazine or would find it easier to masturbate to born than to pay for a cup of coffee or dinner to take the time to get to know how a real woman feels and reacts sexually.

I tend to think that porn and masturbation are mostly distinct from what a person is getting out of sex with their spouse. There is some overlap, and some people have a problem, but mostly one is not a substitute for the other.

That said, the underlined portion of your comment gave me pause. Is there some rule that men should have to do the pursuing? Or is that just a function of the pre-Internet "marketplace" where the amount of male desire for sex exceeded the amount of female desire for sex? And, if so, did the Internet (and the ready availability of porn) change that dynamic? In other words, if a woman wants to show a man that she's a more rewarding experience than porn, shouldn't she be paying for coffee and dinner?

Porn adds another option or competes for time, energy, resources that could improve the sex life of the married couple.

When you get down to it, so does gardening and home improvement projects. (I say this because my wife went from ignoring our sex life in favor of our infant/toddler children to - after they got older - ignoring our sex life in favor of landscaping and futzing with the house. If sex isn't a priority, a person will always be able to find something else to do.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH knows that I value personal hygiene. In spite of that, he has been too lazy to shower for the last 11 days, so we haven't had sex over that time frame either. I can deal if he hasn't showered in a couple days, but by day 4, I'm too grossed out to get intimate.

[Anonymous]

My husband is the low sex drive partner. I can tell you that he's always been that way. It was a relief once we started dating that he wasn't all over me all of the time, and that our relationship was clearly about much more than sex right from the beginning. I enjoyed not feeling like the guy wanted sex every single time we got together.

The problem is, of course, what was a good 2 or maybe 3 times a week at the beginning has dropped way off. He's not gay, sick, having an affair, etc., he's just not a very sexual person. He often can't remember the last time we exchanged more than a quick peck. Just not on his radar.

Whenever I start feeling like I'm no longer attractive, I remember that he's never been a sensual or sexual person. It really is him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I could also write a few paragraphs on my sex life and frustrations. But sometimes I wonder if I'm over complicating things? Perhaps your wife just isn't that into sex? My husband makes a lot of excuses and tells me things I do wrong but deep down I think he simply isn't that sexual. He doesn't understand my need and never will. I feel lonely.

Possibly. But I tend to think my wife has desire - it's just more responsive in nature. I need to figure out how make her respond.

Even with responsive desire, it's entirely likely that her appetite for sex is lower than mine, and you run into the question of what sorts of compromise are ideal/possible in these situations. Do you set the frequency at whatever the lower desire spouse happens to want? Seems unfair, but it's pretty tough to tell someone they should have sex when they don't want to. Sounds awfully rapey.

Like I said, work in progress. My wife is a wonderful person, and in most other respects our relationship is pretty great. So I'm not ending the marriage or cheating over this issue. That leaves me with a lot of time to work on improving our sex life as much as it can be improved.

As a woman it is frustrating because my husband dictates when we have sex. I've learned I cannot come onto him or talk to him about wanting to have sex. That only leads to a major fight. My plan is to ignore our sex life going forward.

I was in your boat, but I ended up in an affair. Beware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married four years and we have sex at most once a month. He has always had low drive/ED. I had to push him to get viagra. that made a difference. My sex drive was average for the most part but since having a baby its dropped. And the truth is that he isn't good in bed. We have never had a passionate dymanic. I have had a LOT more experience than DH so I know what I want etc. I have tried to talk to him about what I need etc. But he lacks confidence and experience. I think if I had someone on the side it would help with the marriage. I am not going to get a divorce over this because of kids.

It would help to have another partner. I'm a wife in your shoes and the past two years since I've had a sexual partner have been great. My H is so relieved that I'm no longer visibly unhappy that he hasn't thought to ask about the cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an unmarried man, this thread is depressing. I'm sorry but this marriage thing is bullsh!t

You think reading about it is depressing? Try livin it. As a dw, the lack of sex is depressing. Agreed. Monogamy is kind of bs.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married four years and we have sex at most once a month. He has always had low drive/ED. I had to push him to get viagra. that made a difference. My sex drive was average for the most part but since having a baby its dropped. And the truth is that he isn't good in bed. We have never had a passionate dymanic. I have had a LOT more experience than DH so I know what I want etc. I have tried to talk to him about what I need etc. But he lacks confidence and experience. I think if I had someone on the side it would help with the marriage. I am not going to get a divorce over this because of kids.

Truthfully, this is a sad story. You may have to give him an ultimatum before he changes.

Ultimatums don't work. The spouse may change for a bit but at the end of the day they have a low sex drive and will revert back to their old ways sooner rather than later. You can't change someone. Either cheat OE get used to living without a lot of sex.

Ultimatums DO work but only if you really mean it. Because then it's not really you giving an ultimatum so much as you just being honest for once.
I say this from personal experience, having reached such a low point of sexless marriage that I was no longer willing to live a forced celibate life. I eventually told my wife exactly this: we either fix our marriage or we end it. (I did not bring up option 3 which is to stay married and I have sex elsewhere ... I would have certainly raised this option depending on how the conversation was going). This was not brinkmanship, not an ultimatum. This was the honest truth, brutal as it may seem. Years later, we remain married and have a pretty decent sexlife.

So ask yourself: will I be happy remaining married and faithful to somebody who consistently ignores my completely reasonable sexual needs?
I decided that I could not, and this was a pretty important revelation, one that I needed to share my spouse.

Did she cry and resist, or remain in denial for a period of time? Is she really into now, or just going through the motions? If a genuinely interested participant, what changed?