Low-sex marriages - why does this happen?

[Anonymous]

I am primarily interested in hearing from people who rarely want to have sex. Have you always been this way? If not, what caused it? Do you think you're just bored with your spouse, or do you not have sexual desire for anyone?

[Anonymous]

I've not always been this way. In fact, quite
the opposite. It comes from feeling resentment toward DH about other issues in our marriage. I don't really have sexual desire for anyone since I've had my child, but I do masturbate when I feel like I need that kind of release.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've not always been this way. In fact, quite
the opposite. It comes from feeling resentment toward DH about other issues in our marriage. I don't really have sexual desire for anyone since I've had my child, but I do masturbate when I feel like I need that kind of release.

PP here. I'd like to clarify that I'm not trying to "punish" DH by not having sex. The resentment has made me emotionally and physically distant from him. He doesn't initiate. If he did, I wouldn't turn him down.

[Anonymous]

anti-depressants. We're both on them, and neither of us is really interested in sex that much. We're way happier, though.

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day, I just want to crawl into bed. I don't want to be touched. I would rather be sleeping. In the morning, the kids get up before us and join us in bed, so mornings are out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've not always been this way. In fact, quite
the opposite. It comes from feeling resentment toward DH about other issues in our marriage. I don't really have sexual desire for anyone since I've had my child, but I do masturbate when I feel like I need that kind of release.

PP here. I'd like to clarify that I'm not trying to "punish" DH by not having sex. The resentment has made me emotionally and physically distant from him. He doesn't initiate. If he did, I wouldn't turn him down.

PP, have you try initiating yourself? The resentment will decrease, can't be waiting forever. Also, what you are doing for yourself is fine but not helping your marriage relationship though. What is holding you back from initiating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:anti-depressants. We're both on them, and neither of us is really interested in sex that much. We're way happier, though.

It's great that you're both on the same type of meds with the same side affects that make you both happier. I think that trumps sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've not always been this way. In fact, quite
the opposite. It comes from feeling resentment toward DH about other issues in our marriage. I don't really have sexual desire for anyone since I've had my child, but I do masturbate when I feel like I need that kind of release.

PP here. I'd like to clarify that I'm not trying to "punish" DH by not having sex. The resentment has made me emotionally and physically distant from him. He doesn't initiate. If he did, I wouldn't turn him down.

PP, have you try initiating yourself? The resentment will decrease, can't be waiting forever. Also, what you are doing for yourself is fine but not helping your marriage relationship though. What is holding you back from initiating?

Quoted PP here. I'm really not that attracted to him in that way anymore although I still do love him, just not in that way. If he touched me it would probably feel good but I don't want the touch enough to initiate. It's a bad dynamic, I know.

[Anonymous]

I was in a low-sex marriage, since divorced and not partnered with anyone. (female, age 49, healthy, not depressed PTSD closeted etc)

Have you always been this way? If not, what caused it?

Yes, I've always had a low-ish libido. Growing up in a pre-Vatican Catholic sex=shame household didn't help. But I've loooong since shed that weight (I could bang anyone I want now, 6 new people a week!) and I still, in fact, have a low libido.

Do you think you're just bored with your spouse,

Yes. Add familiarity with and then resentment for a spouse on TOP of a honest low-libido, and you get boredom, then contempt. Because I, personally, almost never NEED to "get off," and I'm "not into" orgasms for the sake of the orgasms, I therefore have a real aversion to being touched by someone who infuriates me.

I can see how another type of woman would make a different calculation. i.e., 'he pisses me off, I hate when he does XYZ, yet I'm so, so horny and feel it building up inside. therefore when he reaches out to me in bed, I will reciprocate because I "enjoy" the physicality of intercourse." I've been that woman before, in my mid-20s.

or do you not have sexual desire for anyone?

I really don't. Once in a while, I'll encounter a hot, cocky surgeon at the hospital or a beautiful specimen of a dude when working out. But otherwise, no.

[Anonymous]

Multiple reasons:
1. I haven't lost baby weight so have image issues. And, I can tell that while he wants sex generically, he is turned off by me. For example, if he walked into the bathroom when I was showering, he used to watch me while we talked. Now he makes a point of avoiding the bathroom or not looking at me. So, neither of us is turned on by me.

2. I'm tired. Frankly, sleep sounds better than sex as a busy WOHP.

3. DH is very skilled and I orgasm very quickly. Due to some medications he now takes, it takes him forever. It'll take me five minutes to come and I'm done, then I spend half an hour giving oral sex while he tries his best. I love DH, but it doesn't balance out to make it worth the effort for me. That sounds cold in writing, and I don't mean it to. I love him, but see number 2. After a certain point in time, once we both know that I'm done, then it's all about me servicing him and it's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

My DH knows that I value personal hygiene. In spite of that, he has been too lazy to shower for the last 11 days, so we haven't had sex over that time frame either. I can deal if he hasn't showered in a couple days, but by day 4, I'm too grossed out to get intimate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH knows that I value personal hygiene. In spite of that, he has been too lazy to shower for the last 11 days, so we haven't had sex over that time frame either. I can deal if he hasn't showered in a couple days, but by day 4, I'm too grossed out to get intimate.

WTF

[Anonymous]

I'm in a low sex marriage, but we both are that way, so no issues. We are madly in love with each other, very affectionate and find each other very attractive. We dont have kids and dont have jobs that are super stressful. When we do have sex, we love it and both O very easily.

It's just being in our 40's, it's just not as important to us. We had more sex with other partners, but we were younger. But now we like to cuddle on the couch, watch TV then go to bed.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure it varies. But on the resentment/low libido dynamic, I often wonder which comes first. Is it really the resentment shutting down the libido? Or does resentment shield you from guilt for not participating in that part of the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH knows that I value personal hygiene. In spite of that, he has been too lazy to shower for the last 11 days, so we haven't had sex over that time frame either. I can deal if he hasn't showered in a couple days, but by day 4, I'm too grossed out to get intimate.

WTF

I'd kill for a marriage where I could get laid just by taking a damn shower.