Low-sex marriages - why does this happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH knows that I value personal hygiene. In spite of that, he has been too lazy to shower for the last 11 days, so we haven't had sex over that time frame either. I can deal if he hasn't showered in a couple days, but by day 4, I'm too grossed out to get intimate.

WTF

I'd kill for a marriage where I could get laid just by taking a damn shower.

You don't even have to every day!

[Anonymous]

My husband said I don't give him what he needs emotionally. It takes a lot to get him into bed. He baffles me.

[Anonymous]

I resent the heck out of DH. I do 90% of the childcare work when we are home (we both WOH about the same number of hours) and more than my share of the chores, so I'm tired. Talking to DH about this doesn't help as he views his contributions as "more than fair" ( )

He's also critical and unkind. The unkindness has made me sort of revolted by him, and that has made me lose my once strong sexual attraction to him. It's too bad, I would love to have more sex, but if we had sex at this point, all I would think about during it would be his nagging and bitching so I'd never be able to get off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I resent the heck out of DH. I do 90% of the childcare work when we are home (we both WOH about the same number of hours) and more than my share of the chores, so I'm tired. Talking to DH about this doesn't help as he views his contributions as "more than fair" ( )

He's also critical and unkind. The unkindness has made me sort of revolted by him, and that has made me lose my once strong sexual attraction to him. It's too bad, I would love to have more sex, but if we had sex at this point, all I would think about during it would be his nagging and bitching so I'd never be able to get off.

+1

[Anonymous]

My wife is the low libido one. She'll often not feel like it when I try to initiate. She has ruled out morning sex pretty much permanently. She falls asleep on the couch at 9:30 many evenings. So, we routinely go 2-3 weeks without sex.

But, to make it worse, I have this passive aggressive side of me that - when we've gone a long time without sex - makes me want to extend the time we've gone without sex to, I don't know what - "show her," I guess. I don't want to have sex because I'm resentful about not having sex.

Then we'll have sex again, and it will be all good during that first week - when I'll try and usually fail to have sex again. The resentment resumes at weeks 2 and 3. Fucked up, I know.

[Anonymous]

From my perspective, my DH had issues from his childhood that he never dealt with before, and when our son was about the age my DH was abused, those issues erupted. I never ever refused him sex, because I wanted it with him. I couldn't believe how complicated and messed up everything became, almost overnight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is the low libido one. She'll often not feel like it when I try to initiate. She has ruled out morning sex pretty much permanently. She falls asleep on the couch at 9:30 many evenings. So, we routinely go 2-3 weeks without sex.

But, to make it worse, I have this passive aggressive side of me that - when we've gone a long time without sex - makes me want to extend the time we've gone without sex to, I don't know what - "show her," I guess. I don't want to have sex because I'm resentful about not having sex.

Then we'll have sex again, and it will be all good during that first week - when I'll try and usually fail to have sex again. The resentment resumes at weeks 2 and 3. Fucked up, I know.

If I may, let me show you your future...

She did exactly what you describe for the better part of 15 years. Needless to say, that did not meet my needs, so self-satisfaction became the outlet. Though fantasized, I could not cheat. Over time, I learned my lesson. It is now at the point where I simply no longer initiate, nor do I have any desire to do so. Quite the contrary.

While the personal connection achieved through sex is wonderful, the act itself is increasingly awkward and unsatisfying. Really, really unsatisfying. Ironically, I find myself as I imagine she used to be - dreading the initiation and relieved when it is avoided or effectively ignored.

I love her and will be with no one else. But I have no interest, no desire for her any longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is the low libido one. She'll often not feel like it when I try to initiate. She has ruled out morning sex pretty much permanently. She falls asleep on the couch at 9:30 many evenings. So, we routinely go 2-3 weeks without sex.

But, to make it worse, I have this passive aggressive side of me that - when we've gone a long time without sex - makes me want to extend the time we've gone without sex to, I don't know what - "show her," I guess. I don't want to have sex because I'm resentful about not having sex.

Then we'll have sex again, and it will be all good during that first week - when I'll try and usually fail to have sex again. The resentment resumes at weeks 2 and 3. Fucked up, I know.

This was me exactly for a while. My head goes all sorts of fucked up places if I haven't gotten laid in a week.

Can you speak up? Tell her what you want and need? I did recently and things have been much better for a few months now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband said I don't give him what he needs emotionally. It takes a lot to get him into bed. He baffles me.

Let me explain. This is what gay men say to women. I'm sorry.

To answer OP, people just have different appetites. I was always pretty high libido, wanting sex daily, even through two pregnancies. The third pregnancy, it was like hormones drastically and suddenly changed something in me, and my libido lowered and never really went back up to its original state. It was really odd. I miss my old self. But I work at keeping sexual. It's very easy to become nonsexual--between the demands of kids, work, household, and never making time for yourself or to think of yourself as a sexual being. Without a powerful drive, it takes more conscious effort to do things (like scheduled naked cuddling) that put you back in touch with that side of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:anti-depressants. We're both on them, and neither of us is really interested in sex that much. We're way happier, though.

Are you really sure that you are both happy?

[Anonymous]

First, I think I just have a low sex drive
Second, experienced a lot of sexual abuse during my childhood. Some of that was actual mole station by my father and another individual. But part of that was witnessing my parents fight about sex in really unhealthy ways.
Third, having a difficult time as first time parents has really messed with the possibility of sex.

However, even before getting married I could go months or years without caring whether or not i had sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've not always been this way. In fact, quite
the opposite. It comes from feeling resentment toward DH about other issues in our marriage. I don't really have sexual desire for anyone since I've had my child, but I do masturbate when I feel like I need that kind of release.

We were like this for a while. It got better. We're out of sync occasionally but we worked at this and have brought it back.

[Anonymous]

1. I have a medical issue that contributes to/causes very low libido. Working with a dr on that but to an extent, it sort of is what it is.
2. My husband is childish and selfish and pretty much never grew up. I love him but I resent him. He has good qualities but the reasons for not having sedate because of the bad stuff below.
3. We both work, I work more hours usually and I bring in 2/3 of the HHI. He keeps back 2/3 of his take home and won't contribute it to the household. I get nothing for myself as a result because bills still have to be covered. I do everything around the house as well. We would live in a hovel if I left it to his standards. I mean "bathroom not cleaned in 5 years" hoarders type situation were it left to him.
4. He does literally 0% of anything child related unless specifically asked. And even then he is petulant about it. He has no concept of developmentally appropriate behavior so expects our toddler to behave perfectly all the time. He wants to punish him if the kid has a meltdown because he forgot to feed him, for example.
5. His idea of foreplay is taking off his clothes.

None of the above us anything I witnessed or could foresee during the years we dated. It all kicked in later.

So yeah, he wonders why I am not eager for him? See all of the above.

Weirdly it is his position that I am a bad wife and that everything he does is reasonable. He keeps threatening ME with divorce. I don't think my kid is safe with him until he's older, so I do what I need to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. I have a medical issue that contributes to/causes very low libido. Working with a dr on that but to an extent, it sort of is what it is.
2. My husband is childish and selfish and pretty much never grew up. I love him but I resent him. He has good qualities but the reasons for not having sedate because of the bad stuff below.
3. We both work, I work more hours usually and I bring in 2/3 of the HHI. He keeps back 2/3 of his take home and won't contribute it to the household. I get nothing for myself as a result because bills still have to be covered. I do everything around the house as well. We would live in a hovel if I left it to his standards. I mean "bathroom not cleaned in 5 years" hoarders type situation were it left to him.
4. He does literally 0% of anything child related unless specifically asked. And even then he is petulant about it. He has no concept of developmentally appropriate behavior so expects our toddler to behave perfectly all the time. He wants to punish him if the kid has a meltdown because he forgot to feed him, for example.
5. His idea of foreplay is taking off his clothes.

None of the above us anything I witnessed or could foresee during the years we dated. It all kicked in later.

So yeah, he wonders why I am not eager for him? See all of the above.

Weirdly it is his position that I am a bad wife and that everything he does is reasonable. He keeps threatening ME with divorce. I don't think my kid is safe with him until he's older, so I do what I need to do.

This made me very sad to read. This sounds like such a bad situation to be in! I don'the have any good advice, but who in the world could blame you for having no desire towards your husband. I hope your situation improves In some way. I am sorry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've not always been this way. In fact, quite
the opposite. It comes from feeling resentment toward DH about other issues in our marriage. I don't really have sexual desire for anyone since I've had my child, but I do masturbate when I feel like I need that kind of release.

We were like this for a while. It got better. We're out of sync occasionally but we worked at this and have brought it back.

+1

Resentment has created a lot of distance. Plus, having sex out of obligation enough for many years made the act feel a bit like a violation. This was my choice to try, and meet DH's needs, and keep the peace, but in doing so I just ended up really feeling used. Instead of DH getting curious about why I no longer felt passion, or wanted to kiss during sex, he just got sad and felt rejected (which I understand). He approaches my lack of arousal with limited attempts to figure out how to turn me on- grabs my breast in the kitchen, makes a joke. My resentment keeps me from taking on "fixing it". If I say touch me here, buy me flowers once a year, etc. - it still doesn't address the anger that he doesn't naturally want to do these things, and hasn't hustled at all to reconnect with me emotionally.