Low-sex marriages - why does this happen?

[Anonymous]

I had used the more optimistic phrase "meeting my needs" but a subsequent poster responded and introduced the less pleasant spin "meeting my demands"

Either way, it's like this:
- my wife needed to hear the truth (that I'd no intention to stay both faithful and near celibates get term)
- I had to convey this message in the most positive way possible, accepting my side of things, but making certain she understood my needs from a happy marriage
- she chose to fix things, and I can't fully get inside her head to know her full motivation, but I'm a lot happier believing that she now has sex because she loves me and enjoys being with me and pleasing me (despite her far lower baseline sexual desire)

[Anonymous]

^^ celibate LONG term

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Multiple reasons:
1. I haven't lost baby weight so have image issues. And, I can tell that while he wants sex generically, he is turned off by me. For example, if he walked into the bathroom when I was showering, he used to watch me while we talked. Now he makes a point of avoiding the bathroom or not looking at me. So, neither of us is turned on by me.

2. I'm tired. Frankly, sleep sounds better than sex as a busy WOHP.

3. DH is very skilled and I orgasm very quickly. Due to some medications he now takes, it takes him forever. It'll take me five minutes to come and I'm done, then I spend half an hour giving oral sex while he tries his best. I love DH, but it doesn't balance out to make it worth the effort for me. That sounds cold in writing, and I don't mean it to. I love him, but see number 2. After a certain point in time, once we both know that I'm done, then it's all about me servicing him and it's exhausting.

If he is on medications that make it hard for him to orgasm, than his general sexual interest will also be impacted. Do yourself a favor and keep that in mind; it really might not be the fault of your baby weight!

[Anonymous]

I think with the passage of time, people change and so do their preferences.

People in low sex marriages may have too much on their plates to think of losing any much-needed rest on sex. Families with young kids who both work full-time may just be too tired. At the end of the day, they value sleep more so than getting it on.

Or perhaps one partner has gained a significant amount of weight over the course of the marriage. Lack of sexual attraction is a very common reason people have less sex.

If it isn't either of these scenarios, then I think a person should seek medical attention to make sure it is not a physical issue.

P.S. Some medications, like anti-depressant pills can kill the libido. Wellbutrin does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had used the more optimistic phrase "meeting my needs" but a subsequent poster responded and introduced the less pleasant spin "meeting my demands"

Either way, it's like this:
- my wife needed to hear the truth (that I'd no intention to stay both faithful and near celibates get term)
- I had to convey this message in the most positive way possible, accepting my side of things, but making certain she understood my needs from a happy marriage
- she chose to fix things, and I can't fully get inside her head to know her full motivation, but I'm a lot happier believing that she now has sex because she loves me and enjoys being with me and pleasing me (despite her far lower baseline sexual desire)

I remember you from an earlier thread. You threatened your wife with cheating if she did not start putting out 3x/week. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

if you are a very low drive spouse, could you really be upset if you dh or dw proposed considering an open marriage? I would think not, but I assume I am in the minority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had used the more optimistic phrase "meeting my needs" but a subsequent poster responded and introduced the less pleasant spin "meeting my demands"

Either way, it's like this:
- my wife needed to hear the truth (that I'd no intention to stay both faithful and near celibates get term)
- I had to convey this message in the most positive way possible, accepting my side of things, but making certain she understood my needs from a happy marriage
- she chose to fix things, and I can't fully get inside her head to know her full motivation, but I'm a lot happier believing that she now has sex because she loves me and enjoys being with me and pleasing me (despite her far lower baseline sexual desire)

I remember you from an earlier thread. You threatened your wife with cheating if she did not start putting out 3x/week. Yuck.

Even Worse Yuck is a withholding spouse.
It wasn't a threat to cheat. And i did not cheat in secret.
It was the truth: i refuse to stay faithful to a sexless spouse.
Problem solved. No regrets here and advise others to likewise be honest.

[Anonymous]

It would be interesting to know the ages of all these low-sex marriage posters.

I hope none of you women are in your 40s. I'm dating a 40-something woman, and O M G! Her sex drive is in overdrive. It's really wonderful and amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be interesting to know the ages of all these low-sex marriage posters.

I hope none of you women are in your 40s. I'm dating a 40-something woman, and O M G! Her sex drive is in overdrive. It's really wonderful and amazing.

I posted early on. I'm in my late 40s and I have always had a lower libido.

No need to feel sorry for me or "hope" that I catch on to your superior way of life. I'm content.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be interesting to know the ages of all these low-sex marriage posters.

I hope none of you women are in your 40s. I'm dating a 40-something woman, and O M G! Her sex drive is in overdrive. It's really wonderful and amazing.

I posted early on. I'm in my late 40s and I have always had a lower libido.

No need to feel sorry for me or "hope" that I catch on to your superior way of life. I'm content.

Your toxicity belies your statement of being content.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be interesting to know the ages of all these low-sex marriage posters.

I hope none of you women are in your 40s. I'm dating a 40-something woman, and O M G! Her sex drive is in overdrive. It's really wonderful and amazing.

I posted early on. I'm in my late 40s and I have always had a lower libido.

No need to feel sorry for me or "hope" that I catch on to your superior way of life. I'm content.

There is nothing wrong with you or your marriage, provided that your husband is also content with a low sex marriage.
Because IF for example, you were having alot more sex (despite your low libido) early in the relationship, but now you have dialed back the frequency to suit your natural low level, well I would say that's a major problem.
But hey if he's low libido just like you, then carry on and have your fun outside the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

I have a low sex drive. My husband feels like I should be the one to make the first move, and if I don't we don't have sex. If he would, I don't usually say no.

He's bad at math, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a low sex drive. My husband feels like I should be the one to make the first move, and if I don't we don't have sex. If he would, I don't usually say no.

He's bad at math, too.

Your husband's position makes a lot of sense. Say he wants to have sex most of the time and you want to have sex some of the time. The goal is to have sex when both of you want to.

You know when you want to have sex. He does not know when you want to have sex. More likely than not, the times you want to have sex will overlap with when he wants to. So, you have the best information about the ideal timing. That means, if you initiate, that's your best shot of avoiding sex when one of you would rather not be bothered.

[Anonymous]

Been together 15 years with no O for me when we are intimate. I can on my own but not with him. I really can't bare to fake it more than twice a month. We've gone 6 months without.

I know he needs more but I need it to be worth it for me too. But how do u tell a man he has never made u come?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had used the more optimistic phrase "meeting my needs" but a subsequent poster responded and introduced the less pleasant spin "meeting my demands"

Either way, it's like this:
- my wife needed to hear the truth (that I'd no intention to stay both faithful and near celibates get term)
- I had to convey this message in the most positive way possible, accepting my side of things, but making certain she understood my needs from a happy marriage
- she chose to fix things, and I can't fully get inside her head to know her full motivation, but I'm a lot happier believing that she now has sex because she loves me and enjoys being with me and pleasing me (despite her far lower baseline sexual desire)

I remember you from an earlier thread. You threatened your wife with cheating if she did not start putting out 3x/week. Yuck.

Even Worse Yuck is a withholding spouse.
It wasn't a threat to cheat. And i did not cheat in secret.
It was the truth: i refuse to stay faithful to a sexless spouse.
Problem solved. No regrets here and advise others to likewise be honest.

Well if I recall correctly, it was not a sexless marriage - just not up to your specifications. And you gave your wife some kind of deadline and requirements to refrain from cheating. Yuck, I will repeat.