WWYD? We hate the name of our foster-to-adopt child

[Anonymous]

I can see both sides of this. I don't think I would change the name because I have a 4 year old and her name is a huge deal to her. She would flip out if anyone tried to change her name. And as others have pointed out, a kid in foster care has gone through a lot of upheaval and loss and her name might be the only constant.

On the other hand, names do matter and having a name that screams "stripper" will affect how people treat her. Certainly in the job market when she grows up. I can see the resume getting tossed into the reject pile without a second glance. People do make assumptions about people based on their names. We interviewed a Misty for an admin job and a coworker commented that it sounded like a stripper's name. But even in school, I wonder if her name will affect her teachers' expectations of her, etc.

If OP's concern is truly just embarrassment then that is not a good reason IMO. But if it's more than that, it's a tough call. I like the middle name idea. She probably knows her middle name too so perhaps just add a new name so she has two middle names? Would that be too Euro? Too complicated?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for your opinions. Let me give a little more info. Her name IS something like Mistee, but even more stripper-like. Also, both her first AND middle names are like this. Two of my friends grew up in actual trailer parks and neither are white trash.

Future-DD's mother was an actual crackwhore. She gave birth in prison. F-DD has never known her. and has spent her whole life in prison and foster care. She was not lovingly placed in foster care by a heartbroken mother who tearfully confessed she couldn't adequately care for her. I would of course never use the term white trash in front of F-DD to describe her background.

Yes, I am embarrassed at the reaction I get when introducing her. Also, I am not sure how to handle when people ask why I chose the name or how. I don't want to feel obligated to "out" her as adopted, but that means I have to take responsibility for having named her that.

We are not going to let her, as a 4 yr old, pick a new name. What she loves at 4, may hate at 14, may hate at 24.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree not to change her name, certainly not right away. I have a 4yo, and at that point her name is a huge part of her identity. One other thing, you really, really need to stop using the term "white trash". It's offensive in so many ways. And especially if that's what you think of her background and her name, you really, really need to get that idea out of your head. It should never come out of your mouth around her. Ever.
Congratulations to you on being so far down the road on the fos-adopt process that you're almost there! Good luck.

+1 Well-said, pp.

[Anonymous]

You need to work with a counselor to explore your reaction to how you perceive other people look at the name. Real red flag.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough situation, OP. I really feel for you. Maybe you should seek out a child psychologist to help with this. Or someone well-versed in adoption and identity issues. I wonder if there is a way to have a general conversation with your daughter about her name…ask her if there might be a nickname she'd like to go by? Or perhaps give her a new name informally and ask her if she'd like to be called that, always leaving her the option to return to her old name? Just brainstorming here...

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's a big deal. I honestly don't understand the uproar from so many posters. I also don't buy that OP's embarrassment is somehow a flaw on her part. Please. Pretending these things "shouldn't" matter doesn't mean they "don't" matter -- life just isn't that easy.

OP, does she even know how to write her name yet? She doesn't even need to know you've changed her name, assuming the adoption goes through soon. You can phase her current name out, or keep her current name as a middle name and transition to the new first name gradually.

It is not unusual at all for people to change their child's name when they're adopted, and you'll even get a new birth certificate with your name and her new name on it. How crazy is that.

Good luck with the adoption, OP. Thanks for being a foster parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who was almost named a very unusual (and my opinion horrible) name, I don't agree with all the other posters. I think if a name is truly horrible and there are some truly horrible names out there, there is a case to be made that it may be beneficial for the child to live out life with a new name.

Changing one's name is not unusual. Babies adopted from other countries often get a new American name. Adults from other countries often pick their own new first name because they realize that their original name will make life harder in ways they don't want to deal with. Many last names have been Westernized. People often change their names after marrying and divorcing. Actors and musicians often adopt new, catchy stage names. Some people just plain don't like their names and will change it legally to something they do like. Original names are not sacrosanct. Not everyone is comfortable with the name they've been given, why do you think there are so many nicknames? . Though you personally may not have made the same choice to change your name under those conditions, it doesn't mean they aren't valid choices.

Not that this is necessarily the case, but if she had an abusive background, I wouldn't assume that this name is something that this little girl holds dear. Iit may be a name she associates with being yelled at or punished. Finding a new name might be helpful in that case.

You aren't talking about a person making the decision to change their name, you are talking about a snotty DCUM poster who is essentially saying she is ashamed and embarrassed to be associated with a white trash name so she wants to take it away from a 4 year old child. The only one with a problem here is OP. Oh, and if you would bother to educate yourself on adoption, it is extremely frowned upon to change names and westernize them and the trend in doing that swung in the other direction years ago.

Westernizing a child's name may be frowned upon by some people, but others of us don't agree with that. I think it is reasonable for the adoptive parents to consider how to make their child's transition to a new culture easier. Some non-American names work well in the U.S. Some names don't work so well for various reasons, perhaps the name sounds like a curse word, etc. I think it's a valid choice to change a name even of a older child when the cons outweigh the pros. It shouldn't matter, but for what it's worth, I am a minority with a multiracial spouse. I see people who purposefully choose ethnic names for their children and reject Americanized nicknames and I see people who choose to have Americanized nicknames and name their kids very American names all the time. Both choices are really common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your opinions. Let me give a little more info. Her name IS something like Mistee, but even more stripper-like. Also, both her first AND middle names are like this. Two of my friends grew up in actual trailer parks and neither are white trash.

Future-DD's mother was an actual crackwhore. She gave birth in prison. F-DD has never known her. and has spent her whole life in prison and foster care. She was not lovingly placed in foster care by a heartbroken mother who tearfully confessed she couldn't adequately care for her. I would of course never use the term white trash in front of F-DD to describe her background.

Yes, I am embarrassed at the reaction I get when introducing her. Also, I am not sure how to handle when people ask why I chose the name or how. I don't want to feel obligated to "out" her as adopted, but that means I have to take responsibility for having named her that.

We are not going to let her, as a 4 yr old, pick a new name. What she loves at 4, may hate at 14, may hate at 24.

Is this about you or is it about her? You can give the child a list of 2-3 names and let her choose one. No matter what you choose she could hate it at 14 or 24. Allow her to keep her first name as a middle name and then give her a new first name. It is part of who she is. Her birthmother is part of who she is. If you have hate for her birthmom, she will not and it will reflect in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

She's probably better off in the long run if you change it. I know (hope) it's not intentional but your insecurities/prejudices are bound to rub off on her. You don't want her growing up hating herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your opinions. Let me give a little more info. Her name IS something like Mistee, but even more stripper-like. Also, both her first AND middle names are like this. Two of my friends grew up in actual trailer parks and neither are white trash.

Future-DD's mother was an actual crackwhore. She gave birth in prison. F-DD has never known her. and has spent her whole life in prison and foster care. She was not lovingly placed in foster care by a heartbroken mother who tearfully confessed she couldn't adequately care for her. I would of course never use the term white trash in front of F-DD to describe her background.

Yes, I am embarrassed at the reaction I get when introducing her. Also, I am not sure how to handle when people ask why I chose the name or how. I don't want to feel obligated to "out" her as adopted, but that means I have to take responsibility for having named her that.

We are not going to let her, as a 4 yr old, pick a new name. What she loves at 4, may hate at 14, may hate at 24.

Is this about you or is it about her? You can give the child a list of 2-3 names and let her choose one. No matter what you choose she could hate it at 14 or 24. Allow her to keep her first name as a middle name and then give her a new first name. It is part of who she is. Her birthmother is part of who she is. If you have hate for her birthmom, she will not and it will reflect in your relationship.

It's about BOTH of us. I don't want to think of other parents in her classroom looking at the class list at the start of the school year and deciding based on her name, to not invite her for a playdate. Or of teachers presuming bad behavior because of her name. Or yes, her name on a resume. When DH told his boss, as his boss shook his hand congrats he asked what her name was. When DH told him, his boss winced. Then said, "Whoa, rough start to life in more ways than one, huh?" We get comments like that from basically everyone when they find out her name.

[Anonymous]

OP, most of these posters are giving advice from fantasy land. They cannot be for real. They don't sound like they have much real life experience. Do what you think is best for your new daughter. I would change the name.

[Anonymous]

I kinda think you should keep the name.

But if it is truly horrible, can you keep a syllable or so of it and find a way to fit that into a better name, and make that her official name?

Please don't describe your daughters bio mom as a crack whore to anyone.

[Anonymous]

How long have you fostered her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you fostered her?

She is in a foster facility in another state. It's like a group home, kind of.

[Anonymous]

Change the name legally if it is so bad that DH's boss actually made that comment. Not fair to leave her stranded with a name that elicits that reaction. Give her a nickname derivative of her birth name and segueway to that in terms of usage.

and FWIW, I adopted older children in intl adoption and did NOT change their names. In my case, the kids decided ---with absolutely no prompting from us--to "Americanize" their names on their own ---it actually took me some time to get used to calling them by the name they wanted. So I am all about leaving the name alone but the reaction from DH's boss convinced me otherwise in your case.