WWYD? We hate the name of our foster-to-adopt child

[Anonymous]

OP, while I understand your concern, I think that changing the name would be a mistake. You admit that your future child has had a very difficult and traumatic life to date. Your focus should be on what is best for the child and adding more trauma and confusion and possibly self-loathing because you dislike her birth name is really not the right choice. She is being uprooted from the only life she knows and is going to live with people she doesn't know (yet) and you are risking adding emotional upheaval to the mix. You should be making her feel accepted, not making her feel something else is wrong about her.

I think that your use of the term white trash makes you look bad and that you need a little self-reflection here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you fostered her?

She is in a foster facility in another state. It's like a group home, kind of.

Oh, goodness!

I think the name is going to be the least of your concerns for a very long time.

Focus on the important stuff, not the name.

[Anonymous]

Add a solid first name. Haters gonna hate. She'll thank you later. First impressions matter.

Can you tone down the spelling of the middle name? She's only 4. Destiny is better than Destynee, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, most of these posters are giving advice from fantasy land. They cannot be for real. They don't sound like they have much real life experience. Do what you think is best for your new daughter. I would change the name.

Um, I'm not giving advice from fantasy land, thank you very much, asshole. I am also about to adopt a 5 year old from foster care, and every therapist I've talked to has said that changing her first name is absolutely not an option. We let her pick a middle name - she was able to choose from something very similar to her current middle name, my maiden name or bio-grandma's name. Therapist advised the controlled choice, because children being adopted from foster care have no choice or control over ANYTHING in their lives.

I agree with PPs that you can give the kid your preferred middle name and if SHE feels embarrassed by her name when she gets older name understands prejudice, etc., she can change it herself. I don't understand PPs who are like, but she'll never get a job! Um, by then, she will be an adult who can make her own choices about her name.

Don't take away the child's identity. Get a snappy one liner for when people are rude - it happens to us on a daily basis. It is so horribly rude to comment on a child's name like that's, and I'm sorry people are so shitty. Your daughter needs to know that you are not embarrassed. If she thinks that you think her bio mom is bad (even just for the bad name choice) she will think that she must be bad too, because she came from bio-mom.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the typos, on an iPad on a moving train.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you fostered her?

She is in a foster facility in another state. It's like a group home, kind of.

Oh, goodness!

I think the name is going to be the least of your concerns for a very long time.

Focus on the important stuff, not the name.

+1million. You must get her a therapist ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most of these posters are giving advice from fantasy land. They cannot be for real. They don't sound like they have much real life experience. Do what you think is best for your new daughter. I would change the name.

Um, I'm not giving advice from fantasy land, thank you very much, asshole. I am also about to adopt a 5 year old from foster care, and every therapist I've talked to has said that changing her first name is absolutely not an option. We let her pick a middle name - she was able to choose from something very similar to her current middle name, my maiden name or bio-grandma's name. Therapist advised the controlled choice, because children being adopted from foster care have no choice or control over ANYTHING in their lives.

I agree with PPs that you can give the kid your preferred middle name and if SHE feels embarrassed by her name when she gets older name understands prejudice, etc., she can change it herself. I don't understand PPs who are like, but she'll never get a job! Um, by then, she will be an adult who can make her own choices about her name.

Don't take away the child's identity. Get a snappy one liner for when people are rude - it happens to us on a daily basis. It is so horribly rude to comment on a child's name like that's, and I'm sorry people are so shitty. Your daughter needs to know that you are not embarrassed. If she thinks that you think her bio mom is bad (even just for the bad name choice) she will think that she must be bad too, because she came from bio-mom.

Well said. I find the fact that anything about this poor little girl is embarrassing to her future mother appalling. You've used the words "stripper," "crack whore," and "white trash" to describe this child's background. She needs you to love her 100 percent for exactly who she is. You need to work through this, ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Our neighbors adopted an older child, nine to be exact, from China and changed his name. You could give her a new first name, and keep her first name as her second name. Go with the approach of how long you've waited for her, and she has this wonderful new life with you and your family, lalala - it might work. I think she might grow up to hate her name if it is something atrocious and ask why you never changed it!

[Anonymous]

While I do agree that her name is part of who she is, you do have to consider the life she'll now lead as part of your family. People do judge other people by their names, especially when she's older and applying for jobs. A stripper-sounding name will make her stand out (and not necessarily in a good way) in a middle class or upper-middle class life. I'd try really hard to be creative and find some variation of her current name that you could use (Destiny could be Dee Dee, Candy could be Candace, Misty could be Missy (with Melissa as her legal name), etc.). It doesn't have to be a name you love, just a name that doesn't stand out but that also allows her to keep part of her history. And if you can't do this with her first name, you could perhaps do it with her current middle or even last name.

[Anonymous]

FWIW- I also have foster/adopted multiple times. All of my children have names that I certainly would not have given them. That being said, as I started to get to know the children it just didn't matter anymore.
We occasionally get the question, how did you come up with the name? But it is actually not that common a question- there are other very rude questions that are more common. You just need to deflect/ remember that people don't need information/ and practice some common responses. (ie 'why do you ask?' just ignore them, 'that's a rather personal question,' 'its a family name.')

I don't think your desire to change her name says anything evil about you, but I also wouldn't really advise changing her first name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you fostered her?

She is in a foster facility in another state. It's like a group home, kind of.

If she is in a facility rather than a foster home, I would be far more concerned about mental health, attachment issues, behavioral problems and drug exposure in utero (may be ok if her birthmom was in jail but she can still get it there). You are far more to worry about than the name for adoption. I would so much worry about her future career but about how much it is going to take with therapy, patience and love to get her there. I hope you have thought this through and instead of worrying about a name, are on top of getting her a mental health therapist, school with strong support services and private OT, PT and Speech (if she needs it). It is very hard moving a child from a different state to adopt. Those kids, if they have not been adopted by their foster parents, have usually been in a series of foster homes and then a facility and have a huge amount of needs. It can be done but it is a huge amount work and time commitment (I adopted a special needs infant and I cannot work because of the appointments and level of needs, which is fine with me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes me so sad.

I am sure it is not the case, but it makes it seem like you want her not for the child she is, but for the dream child you prefer to have.

I think this is different from changing the name of an infant, or calling her by a nickname, or giving an older child the option of picking a new name like the Jayson poster.

My sister gave up an infant in a private adoption. She gave the child her first names out of love for the child, knowing her parents would likely change the name. When they reunited years later, the now teen was happy to learn of the orignial name...it was a part of her story.

Changing your daughters name because you have disdain for it and what it represents is not a positive way to bring her into your family.

We did a private adoption too. Our child's birthmom was fine with us choosing our own name but she consulted us on the name they choose (I preferred the name she suggested over the birthfather). We could not come up with a name in a hurry that wowed us, so we choose her first name and choose a family name for a middle name. I would not have picked it but it is very nice name, fits her and a family name (important to me). We have a very open adoption so it is nice to have something chosen by both of us and not two names. We just changed the last name. The original birth certificate reflects the same first and middle names. I agree with you 100%. It is important to retain a connection for these kids as it is part of who they are just as the adoptive family is.

The OP comes across as someone who could not have biological children, looking for a pretty "white" child to fit into her family and wanting to erase her past, which isn't so easy to do at age 4. I hope I am wrong, but if this is the case, it is not the name issue, but she is going to be very disappointed that at least at first she is going to have a very needy child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The OP comes across as someone who could not have biological children, looking for a pretty "white" child to fit into her family and wanting to erase her past, which isn't so easy to do at age 4. I hope I am wrong, but if this is the case, it is not the name issue, but she is going to be very disappointed that at least at first she is going to have a very needy child.

Whoah, completely out of line.

OP, only you know the specifics of your situation. If your kid has a counselor, maybe she or he can weigh in on whether or not it would be a special new beginning, or a loss, for your particular child. Blanket statements that it would be terrible, or conversely, that it's absolutely necessary, are ridiculous.

Use your mom instincts, and choose what you think will be best for her in the long run. Congratulations.

[Anonymous]

OP: if you are still reading, I like the idea of PP who suggested that you make a nickname out of the name if at all possible. I've heard of girls called Bo, Lulu, and their initials. When she moves in with you, make it something that you just "naturally" fall into. Instead of calling "Shania! Dinner!" shout "sissy!" or something that is not sissy. You get my point.

I have passed on resumes b/c I know my boss would not entertain people with a certain name. Not fair but true.

[Anonymous]

I think you're over thinking the name problem.

I'm an adoptive mom, and we did give our child an American name. But she was an infant, not a 4-yr-old, & we kept her birth name as a middle name.

However, in the DC area, the diversity of names in schools is incredible; I can almost guarantee your daughter will not stand out among her school peers.

Also, on the hiring side, my workplace has a call center that mostly hires young women straight out of college, and there've been more "stripper names" than I can count. They're just so common among young people today, you'd eliminate too much of the hiring pool.

If you don't like to say her name, come up with a nickname you like. (I love my daughters name, but I call her something else half the time, anyway.)

Also, other posters are correct: you really need to get over your distaste for her mom's background. Really. She needs to feel like you respect her origins, not like it's a taint you're saving her from.