unfair to hold a grudge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP wit the 7 year denial. It does get better, but that kind of long term rejection changes the relationship permanently. You will never be what you hoped to be because of this issue even if she turned into a nympho overnight. It isn't the sex but the ego crushing rejection over years by the person you hold most dear that makes you change. If I would have known that mine would last 7 years, I would have cheated and felt fine about it. I had no idea I would suffer that long, and so I didn't, but I am not proud of that, and I would be guiltless now looking back if I had an affair. I hate that I carry this around with me. I hated reading your post and having the bitterness come back so vividly just from your story reminding me of mine. My wife has made vast improvements and I am comfortable where we are at, but I resent her from stealing a hugely important chunk of my life from me. I will never get those years back. Her selfishness stole from me something I will never get back.

As a woman, I am finding this perspective really interesting. I am in a 1x a week marriage, sometimes more, sometimes less, but my husband would like sex more often. These posts have really made me look at the whole thing with much more sensitivity towards my spouse.

Woman here. No wonder men cheat. Are you really this clueless?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP wit the 7 year denial. It does get better, but that kind of long term rejection changes the relationship permanently. You will never be what you hoped to be because of this issue even if she turned into a nympho overnight. It isn't the sex but the ego crushing rejection over years by the person you hold most dear that makes you change. If I would have known that mine would last 7 years, I would have cheated and felt fine about it. I had no idea I would suffer that long, and so I didn't, but I am not proud of that, and I would be guiltless now looking back if I had an affair. I hate that I carry this around with me. I hated reading your post and having the bitterness come back so vividly just from your story reminding me of mine. My wife has made vast improvements and I am comfortable where we are at, but I resent her from stealing a hugely important chunk of my life from me. I will never get those years back. Her selfishness stole from me something I will never get back.

I am a woman who would feel the exact same way if I hadn't had a long term relationship outside the marriage. I was married more than 7 years and so sick of always being the spouse who wanted it more. Not just the sex, but the physical touching and affection, and the ego boost that comes from being flirted with and desired. I told him even when we were engaged that I was frustrated, and he assured me it would get better after we got married and began living together. But it never really did, so I took matters into my own hands. No guilt whatsoever. My DH just doesn't desire a marriage with a robust love life; or shall I say, he thinks what we have is robust He just doesn't want more.

Hi, so I am a woman in same boat where husband does not want more. Do you tell your husbadn about long term relationship outside? e.g. are you in an "open marriage" or are you just keeping a low profile on the other sexier relationship? I ask not to judge. I am just wondering how you have structured your life to find time for two long-term relationships? Does your husband suspect anything? Does your other lover get jealous? Do you feel like the other lover is expecting you to leave your husband for him, or does he know he is just on the side? Just curious how this works optimally.

[Anonymous]

"Hi, so I am a woman in same boat where husband does not want more. Do you tell your husbadn about long term relationship outside? e.g. are you in an "open marriage" or are you just keeping a low profile on the other sexier relationship? I ask not to judge. I am just wondering how you have structured your life to find time for two long-term relationships? Does your husband suspect anything? Does your other lover get jealous? Do you feel like the other lover is expecting you to leave your husband for him, or does he know he is just on the side? Just curious how this works optimally. "

Not an open marriage, just keeping a low profile. DH suspected years ago, but now I imagine doesn't care one way or another. If he does care, it would be out of pride, not out of a desire to sexually satisfy me fully himself. My lover doesn't live here and I take annual leave from work when he's in town. Earlier in the relationship, my lover wanted me to marry him, but I'm not interested in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Not an open marriage, just keeping a low profile. DH suspected years ago, but now I imagine doesn't care one way or another. If he does care, it would be out of pride, not out of a desire to sexually satisfy me fully himself. My lover doesn't live here and I take annual leave from work when he's in town. Earlier in the relationship, my lover wanted me to marry him, but I'm not interested in that.

Interesting. But if the lover is out of town are you getting enough sex to satisfy? This is quite interesting. It sounds smart to pick an out of town lover -- else the temptation might be to spend too much time with lover if in same town. Good luck and congratulations on finding a solution at least in the short term to your frustration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP wit the 7 year denial. It does get better, but that kind of long term rejection changes the relationship permanently. You will never be what you hoped to be because of this issue even if she turned into a nympho overnight. It isn't the sex but the ego crushing rejection over years by the person you hold most dear that makes you change. If I would have known that mine would last 7 years, I would have cheated and felt fine about it. I had no idea I would suffer that long, and so I didn't, but I am not proud of that, and I would be guiltless now looking back if I had an affair. I hate that I carry this around with me. I hated reading your post and having the bitterness come back so vividly just from your story reminding me of mine. My wife has made vast improvements and I am comfortable where we are at, but I resent her from stealing a hugely important chunk of my life from me. I will never get those years back. Her selfishness stole from me something I will never get back.

As a woman, I am finding this perspective really interesting. I am in a 1x a week marriage, sometimes more, sometimes less, but my husband would like sex more often. These posts have really made me look at the whole thing with much more sensitivity towards my spouse.

Woman here. No wonder men cheat. Are you really this clueless?

No not clueless, and not in a sexless marriage either. What do you mean? Why would my husband cheat? We are having sex andPlan to be aware that we may need even more frequency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never said I wasn't bitter. Never said I wasn't holding a grudge either. Let someone you love wipe seven years off your life and let me know how you feel. I am not the OP who has had 10 years wiped off his life. If we had a family court system that was indeed fair and that I stood an equal chance at getting my kids and retaining everything I worked for, I probably would get a divorce. Unfortunately though in the real world, we don't live in that egalitarian society. There's a 90% chance I lose my kids, a bit more than half my property, and 25% of the next 14 years' salary. So in the real world, she loses the passion that she killed off years ago. Karma sucks for some. About the most merciful thing going is that I am now past my prime and she is moving into hers.

But you also felt the need to call me ignorant. I wasn't trying to negate how you feel but only to say that if you are committed to making a marriage work, then you really have to let go of this shit. It isn't easy but it's necessary if you want to be happy. It's a choice. My DH and I have a thousand reasons we could hate each other- probably way more than you, but we choose to love each other instead. If you hold onto anger, you are punishing yourself and your wife which doesn't help anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Not an open marriage, just keeping a low profile. DH suspected years ago, but now I imagine doesn't care one way or another. If he does care, it would be out of pride, not out of a desire to sexually satisfy me fully himself. My lover doesn't live here and I take annual leave from work when he's in town. Earlier in the relationship, my lover wanted me to marry him, but I'm not interested in that.

Interesting. But if the lover is out of town are you getting enough sex to satisfy? This is quite interesting. It sounds smart to pick an out of town lover -- else the temptation might be to spend too much time with lover if in same town. Good luck and congratulations on finding a solution at least in the short term to your frustration.

Well, that's what my vibrator is for.........

[Anonymous]

"My wife has moved on, but wonders why I really don't burn with passion anymore for her. At some point, she will probably really want what she threw away but four years after the problem went away, I still resent the hell out of her. She now does everything and anything I ever wanted her to do back then. She desperately wants the passion back that I had for her 11 years ago, but all her efforts are failing. She now does oral, porn, and anything I would have wished for back then, and the feeling is just gone. "

Wow! Sounds like a cruel revenge.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Someone asked about the psychological effects of this, and I can tell you it is demoralizing and lonely. To be rejected over and over again is painful. I imagine it is no better for the women who have gone through this, perhaps even worse. It is impossible to have an intimate, truly close and loving relationship without sex, in my opinion. Sex isn't everything, but how can you feel truly close to someone and even touch them in a nonsexual way when you have no sex? Again, at some point it becomes about caring - the other person doesn't care enough about you to throw you a bone, and it can be in one of several ways, even once every week or two. And when you know the other person is smart enough to have a clue what they are doing to you, it makes you very angry. So then you have no sex and no real intimacy, but you are in a marriage. As I explained to a friend once, it was the loneliest experience of my life. If you are lonely and single, you can fix it by finding someone. If you are lonely and married, your options are limited.

My wife was not asexual when we were first together, but perhaps she became that way. We had sex probably 10 times a week for the first year and a half. We quickly had kids and things ground to a halt. As for an affair, I don't think she had one. At one point I suggested an open relationship so that I would no longer be looking to her to fulfill this need, and then being disappointed with her for not doing so. She has many wonderful qualities and I could see being happy with her if I were allowed to be intimate with someone else. She rejected it out of hand and said she didn't want to be with anyone else.

There is at least one repeat poster here who has my bitterness multiplied by 5. Some are harsh on him, and he does sound almost irrationally angry, but it is unfair to judge if you've never experienced it. We get one shot at this life, and to look back and feel like a key part of your life was taken from you - by someone who supposedly loves you above all others - can be a very anger-inspiring experience. Also, slightly off topic but very related, that poster points out quite accurately that with the divorce laws in many states the father (or in the rare instance where the women is the sole bread winner then the mother) is absolutely screwed. You lose the kids. You are broke. And it wasn't necessarily your fault.

I have been patient and have not cheated, but I know that I am open to an affair. I've come very close, and probably had what some would term an emotional affair with a co-worker. If it happens it won't be to get back at my wife, it will be to enjoy something that is missing form my life. Even though we do have sex a little more now, it is, as the more angry poster has said, not the same. I can't get as in to it. I never, ever initiate it, even though I think there are times she would like me to, because I'm not willing to risk rejection at this point and, in a way, I want her to know what she has done to me. If I have an affair it will be to obtain true intimacy again. That may be difficult to have outside of a marriage, unless it is with a woman in a very similar situation. If it happens and my wife finds out, I will ask what she expected, and doesn't she think she brought this on us. If she does not see it that way and we get divorced over it, so be it. I will have a clear conscience and be at peace with myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP wit the 7 year denial. It does get better, but that kind of long term rejection changes the relationship permanently. You will never be what you hoped to be because of this issue even if she turned into a nympho overnight. It isn't the sex but the ego crushing rejection over years by the person you hold most dear that makes you change. If I would have known that mine would last 7 years, I would have cheated and felt fine about it. I had no idea I would suffer that long, and so I didn't, but I am not proud of that, and I would be guiltless now looking back if I had an affair. I hate that I carry this around with me. I hated reading your post and having the bitterness come back so vividly just from your story reminding me of mine. My wife has made vast improvements and I am comfortable where we are at, but I resent her from stealing a hugely important chunk of my life from me. I will never get those years back. Her selfishness stole from me something I will never get back.

As a woman, I am finding this perspective really interesting. I am in a 1x a week marriage, sometimes more, sometimes less, but my husband would like sex more often. These posts have really made me look at the whole thing with much more sensitivity towards my spouse.

Woman here. No wonder men cheat. Are you really this clueless?

No not clueless, and not in a sexless marriage either. What do you mean? Why would my husband cheat? We are having sex andPlan to be aware that we may need even more frequency.

I can't believe you didn't realize that sexually deprived spouses often have this POV. Why weren't you incredibly sensitive to your spouse before reading this post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"My wife has moved on, but wonders why I really don't burn with passion anymore for her. At some point, she will probably really want what she threw away but four years after the problem went away, I still resent the hell out of her. She now does everything and anything I ever wanted her to do back then. She desperately wants the passion back that I had for her 11 years ago, but all her efforts are failing. She now does oral, porn, and anything I would have wished for back then, and the feeling is just gone. "

Wow! Sounds like a cruel revenge.

No, just honesty.

[Anonymous]

"Interesting. But if the lover is out of town are you getting enough sex to satisfy?"

Anticipation....

[Anonymous]

Mental Note: SAP holds all the cards.

[Anonymous]

OP. To those of you who are not giving the other as much attention as they want and are now realizing it may be a real problem, if you care about the relationship you should address this. At least talk about it and listen to the other person without making them feel selfish. I'm not talking about cases where one of you wants it four times a week and you only do it twice a week, that is probably pretty normal and easy to deal with. I'm talking once a month or less, or an amount where one of you feels significantly neglected.

As a side note, does anyone have any idea how common this is - an essentially sexless marriage? I assumed pretty rare, as none of my closer male friends has experienced it (or they are lying about it b/c they are the one not interested). I don't really talk about this with female friends save one or two very close ones.

[Anonymous]

OP....I can certainly sympathize with you....especially after your last post. I'm the gal who has only had sex with DH once in the past year. I guess I'm fortunate that neither of us hold grudges and have expectations that would land us in the corner of being bitter.

I look at the facts here: you gave her an ultimatum and she decided in your favor. You got what you ASKED her for. I understand that you now have residual feelings regarding it all, but that is something that you may need to work on in counseling or in therapy, whether it be together or separate.

Regardless of the past, you have a new situation now. We all have to situate to the new "now" that exists. In your "now" you are getting more sex, but you are bitter. This has now become your issue instead of hers. Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm not trying to insult you or your intelligence here.

Personally, I think that once you get through this "hump" in your marriage (yeah, corny joke, I know), your sex life and marriage will be better than ever. Marriage is TOUGH!!! What you are experiencing is so typical in a marriage. Seeing it through to the other side will give you more satisfaction than letting it go and starting over with a new partner. And when you get through this, you'll be back to truly making love instead of having sex.

As far as where I am at....I'm ecstatic that we had sex last week. I know that one day soon, very soon, my husband will be finding a new job that is not as stressful and our sex life will change back. I love him dearly and will wait it out because his mental well-being is my biggest concern.

I hope that you can see this marriage through. I think there will be bigger bones for you when you work this all out with your wife and within yourself.

I'm an optimist...I believe there is a happy ending for everyone in this type of situation.