unfair to hold a grudge?

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering if anyone is out there saw this decline in sex for prolonged periods of time, where the man felt totally rejected and blah blah blah..... and not have kids. I distinctly remember my husband and I being slightly concerned during a major time of stress and transition that we were only having sex twice a week. Believe me, he would KILL for those numbers now. So would I to be honest, in theory. But I'm exhausted. My daughter is two and a half, and he fully admits that he just doesn't wake up at night; never has. She could be screaming bloody murder and he'll sleep right through it. Interesting that one of our cats will do a minor meow and he bolts right out of bed, but I digress. I had to explain to him that I don't blame him for physically being unable to get up at night, but that he the can't blame me for being utterly exhausted when she does get up, which is thankfully very rare now but does happen. What men don't quite understand is that women are wired to listen for their kids, even at night. So I calmly explained to him that when you tack on the lousy sleep you get throughout pregnancy (morning sickness, fear of crushing the baby, trying to figure out how you're supposed to sleep, aching joints, hugeness where you can't get comfortable, etc. I am going on well over 3 years of shitty sleep, and his has been completely uninterrupted. Try being sleep deprived for YEARS on end and see how up for sex you are.

Then, you couple that with she is used to me meeting her needs. Period. He's not there for her when she's upset in the middle of the night for any various reason. When she's in pain, scared, whatever it is that has kids up at night from birth until now, I have met those needs. So guess what - she's glued to me. So he can be sitting in the room and now decide he wants to play with her and she wants nothing to do with him. It's a vicious ongoing cycle. Believe me, I'm doing my best to say "DD, Daddy is going to play with you now, have fun!" but I have to leave the room. Even when I do that, she gets upset and wants to make sure I'm coming back. It's exhausting.

So OP, I guarantee this isn't just your wife deciding one day "I don't want to meet his needs anymore." Somewhere along the line you didn't meet hers either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if anyone is out there saw this decline in sex for prolonged periods of time, where the man felt totally rejected and blah blah blah..... and not have kids. I distinctly remember my husband and I being slightly concerned during a major time of stress and transition that we were only having sex twice a week. Believe me, he would KILL for those numbers now. So would I to be honest, in theory. But I'm exhausted. My daughter is two and a half, and he fully admits that he just doesn't wake up at night; never has. She could be screaming bloody murder and he'll sleep right through it. Interesting that one of our cats will do a minor meow and he bolts right out of bed, but I digress. I had to explain to him that I don't blame him for physically being unable to get up at night, but that he the can't blame me for being utterly exhausted when she does get up, which is thankfully very rare now but does happen. What men don't quite understand is that women are wired to listen for their kids, even at night. So I calmly explained to him that when you tack on the lousy sleep you get throughout pregnancy (morning sickness, fear of crushing the baby, trying to figure out how you're supposed to sleep, aching joints, hugeness where you can't get comfortable, etc. I am going on well over 3 years of shitty sleep, and his has been completely uninterrupted. Try being sleep deprived for YEARS on end and see how up for sex you are.

Then, you couple that with she is used to me meeting her needs. Period. He's not there for her when she's upset in the middle of the night for any various reason. When she's in pain, scared, whatever it is that has kids up at night from birth until now, I have met those needs. So guess what - she's glued to me. So he can be sitting in the room and now decide he wants to play with her and she wants nothing to do with him. It's a vicious ongoing cycle. Believe me, I'm doing my best to say "DD, Daddy is going to play with you now, have fun!" but I have to leave the room. Even when I do that, she gets upset and wants to make sure I'm coming back. It's exhausting.

So OP, I guarantee this isn't just your wife deciding one day "I don't want to meet his needs anymore." Somewhere along the line you didn't meet hers either.

Holy crap. Totally! And yet, the OP can't wait to divorce the mother of his children in 3 or 4 years, just as soon as its more convenient for him.

[Anonymous]

Imagine my situation, OP: I'm the DW, I work full time, did the bulk of childcare/household management. And I still couldn't get laid! DH didn't think he should throw me a bone more than every week or so, even with me carrying the load. I wanted the sex and intimacy as a form of relaxation and "reward" for bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan. If he didn't want it, we just didn't have it.

Finally, after almost 8 years of this, I told him that I wanted more sex. I told him I wasn't going to stop working or ask him to do more for the kids and the house, but that one way or another, from him, an affair or a divorce/new relationship, I was going to get more sex. We were almost 40 at the time, and that finally scared him into considering why he'd rather "relax" than have sex. He also lost 20 pounds. TBH, I know he'd still be happier with sex only 5 or 6 times a month, but we have it most months 8 or 10 times. Not perfect, but better. Some people are just lazy, even about sex.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've read everything said so far.

There is so much here, it is hard to know where to start, but the temptation you are facing right now is to withhold forgiveness from your wife. Giving into that temptation will hurt your wife and your children...but it will also hurt you. Revenge and resentment and rage hurt the perpetrator at least as much as the object of those feelings...and they take down innocent victims, too.

Look at your beautiful children. They are completely innocent bystanders of all that is between you and your wife. Wouldn't you take a bullet for them--step in front of a car for them? Without hesitation, without thinking? Well, you are being asked to do that right now, only the danger you are going to save them from is not physical, but emotional and psychological.

So turn back to your wife. And for a moment, stop thinking of all the ways she let you down over the years--all the ways she has hurt you. You have been wronged, yes. I don't know your wife, so I cannot understand the reasons behind her hurtful actions and inactions. But just for now, think of something else instead:

Can you think of some ways you have let her down over the years? Big things, small things? Can you think of times you hurt her? Were not there for her? Did not lift her up when she needed to be carried through a difficulty? Do you have a little list? Think harder. Make your list longer. Really examine your conscience.

Now consider doing something that will require a lot of strength, and a lot of humility. Go to your wife when the kids are asleep, when everything is quiet. Take her hands, or take her face in your hands. Look into her eyes...the same eyes you gazed into when you swore a lifetime of fidelity, the same eyes that met yours after the births of your children. Tell her you are sorry. You are sorry for all the times you let her down. You love her, you have always loved her, you will always love her, and you know you have not always been the man you needed her to be.

If she does not immediately respond by apologizing for her faults, for the offences she has committed against you, don't get angry. She may be hesitant to trust you that much. But saying those words, having that humility, will mean so much to her, if she loves you. It may be enough to jolt her out of this rut of emotional back and forth you guys have created.

I have let my husband down in so many ways over the years. It came to the point that I felt unworthy of his love. He was good, I was bad. He was stuck with me. I could never undo the past, so we could never change the dynamic. I wanted things to be perfect, because I knew he had forgiven me, but I could not believe I deserved happiness with him, so I never let myself go with him. I could not believe that he honored me the way he would have if I had not let him down.

Then he did the scene I described. He apologized for all the ways he had fallen short over the years. He was sincere. And by making himself vulnerable, and acknowledging that he was not the perfect one while I was the imperfect one, I was able to trust him, and he was able to let go of that anger that was always there.

Once you have that mutual forgiveness, that mutual respect, and are on the same footing, then you can revisit why things happened this way. Was it emotional, physical, psychological? Was she using birth control? Did one or both of you get sterilized? Those are serious questions. A woman's fertility has a profound impact on her sexuality. Don't leave any stone unturned. You need to know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

I have not experienced these kinds of sexual issues in my marriage, but there is something behind your issues--the sex is the expression of them, not the sum. Forgive. If you are not strong enough, ask God for help. I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you don't listen to 15:04, I don't know what to say. That was one of the best answers ever on this forum and I for one am grateful to have read it. Thank you for posting, and I think we can all take those words and intentions to heart.

[Anonymous]

BRAVO to 15:04!!! I mean that whole-heartedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BRAVO to 15:04!!! I mean that whole-heartedly.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

15:04 beautiful. I want to be your friend. Seriously. And op, you can do this. I think you sound pretty cool your self. Wishing you well.

[Anonymous]

Echoing all the applause for 15:04's beautiful, inspiring message.

I also want to add that the reason I love my husband to the ends of the Earth is that he was able to forgive me all of my shortcomings during a very bad time in our marriage. It took him a year to let go of his bitterness but then he did, and let me know, and a huge weight was lifted from both of us and from our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Wait, so 15:04's solution is for OP to apologize for his shortcomings and hope she recognizes that she has ruined the marriage, and then they can be on equal footing because maybe she used birth control?

Fuck that happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, so 15:04's solution is for OP to apologize for his shortcomings and hope she recognizes that she has ruined the marriage, and then they can be on equal footing because maybe she used birth control?

Fuck that happiness.

Seriously, OP. Isn't there some way you can find to blame yourself for the psychological abuse your wife has subject to your for a decade?



And we wonder why we have a domestic abuse problem in this country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, so 15:04's solution is for OP to apologize for his shortcomings and hope she recognizes that she has ruined the marriage, and then they can be on equal footing because maybe she used birth control?

Fuck that happiness.

Seriously, OP. Isn't there some way you can find to blame yourself for the psychological abuse your wife has subject to your for a decade?



And we wonder why we have a domestic abuse problem in this country.

So now the OP is an abuse victim? You're a shithead when you say something like that because there are actual abuse victims that you've now just made light of. Nice going.
Someone gave some very solid advice, and this is what you come back with? So in your view, the OP's wife is 100% responsible for all of their problems.... Yeah, glad I'm not married to you, know you, encounter you in any way in real life because you're a shithead.

[Anonymous]

Shut up 15:04. You were the sinner in your marriage and your husband sounds like a pussy. Lets see how long your perfect marriage lasts.

Look, if the OP can't forgive his wife in some Disney moment, the solution is COUNSELING. This marriage is full of unspoken crap and they need to TALK. What if his wife is genuinely unhappy having sex but is pretending because she doesn't want divorce? What if there's some medical reason that she's lost her libido? Should she lie back and think of England for the next 10 years as a good wife?

For fuck's sake, no wonder most of you people have terrible marriages. Stop believing in fairy tales and disney moments and go to counseling and communicate for the sake of your fucking children. Unspoken expectations, resentments and unilateral decisions have poisoned this marriage. His wife is 75% to blame for withholding, OP is 25% to blame for not setting a counseling ultimatum 8 years ago. Hell, 5% of that is not setting it NOW.

OP and all the other unhappy people in sexless marriages here: stop believing that there is some magical easy way to become happy again. It won't happen through some magical moment, or the perfect lingerie, or doing the dishes, or your husband getting the perfect job. It won't happen through revenge affairs. It won't happen through wearing the clock of martyrdom. It'll happen when you start acting like a full partner in your relationship, not some battered wife, and demand respect and communication from your partner.

Go to therapy yourself and then DEMAND your partner join you. Be the grown up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shut up 15:04. You were the sinner in your marriage and your husband sounds like a pussy. Lets see how long your perfect marriage lasts.

Look, if the OP can't forgive his wife in some Disney moment, the solution is COUNSELING. This marriage is full of unspoken crap and they need to TALK. What if his wife is genuinely unhappy having sex but is pretending because she doesn't want divorce? What if there's some medical reason that she's lost her libido? Should she lie back and think of England for the next 10 years as a good wife?

For fuck's sake, no wonder most of you people have terrible marriages. Stop believing in fairy tales and disney moments and go to counseling and communicate for the sake of your fucking children. Unspoken expectations, resentments and unilateral decisions have poisoned this marriage. His wife is 75% to blame for withholding, OP is 25% to blame for not setting a counseling ultimatum 8 years ago. Hell, 5% of that is not setting it NOW.

OP and all the other unhappy people in sexless marriages here: stop believing that there is some magical easy way to become happy again. It won't happen through some magical moment, or the perfect lingerie, or doing the dishes, or your husband getting the perfect job. It won't happen through revenge affairs. It won't happen through wearing the clock of martyrdom. It'll happen when you start acting like a full partner in your relationship, not some battered wife, and demand respect and communication from your partner.

Go to therapy yourself and then DEMAND your partner join you. Be the grown up.

Or you can listen to this dip-wad, keep your ego on stilts and live your life like a king-pimp, hanging out at topless bars and such, looking for your next lay. Sure that's satisfying.....for a 20YO.

[Anonymous]

10:49, did you beat your partner into submission? What in god's name do you think 15:04 was talking about?? If you had any brain cells and weren't so jaded by whatever has happened to you in your life, you'd see that 15:04 was suggesting that communication start today, tonight, in a way that will open the doors for more communication. No marriage slips into sexlessness if it's a "good" marriage, and no problematic marriage is one person's fault, it's 50-50, and your weird 75%, 25%, 5% division of blame is truly bizarre.
God, I would hate to live in your world of finger pointing and blaming and "order." You suck.