unfair to hold a grudge?

[Anonymous]

After years of almost no sex (maybe 5 times in a good year), my wife is finally having sex with me again on a somewhat regular basis. This only came about after I told her I would leave her if our sex live did not change. The sex is ok, not great, but it is better than nothing. The thing is, I am still bitter about the ten years where we had almost no sex. I can't forgive her for neglecting me for so long. We would have a pattern: after a particularly long time of no sex I would tell her I could not take it, we would do it once or twice, and then it would repeat. She would always say that she was still attracted to me, she knew something was wrong with her, and she was going to see somebody (a dr., a therapist, someone) . But she would never follow through.

Is it unreasonable of me to still be angry about the decade of neglect? I hardly expected it to be like when we were first together, and I would have settled for a few times a month. But she apparently could never bring herself to care enough about me, or us, to do that. Yes we had and have kids and that makes her tired, etc., but if you love someone and you know they are dying for something don't you throw them a bone every once in a while? Maybe it is easy for me to say, but I think I could have risen to the task a few time s a month if things had been reversed. I still have this very angry bitterness towards her, and I am still considering leaving her as I feel like it is too little too late. I'm sure I'll get flamed for this on a variety of fronts, so bring it on. Or, tell me I'm not crazy.

[Anonymous]

You want to be "thrown a bone?" In the face of anger, bitterness, and a huge grudge. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Forget threatening divorce if she won't have sex. Tell her you will leave of she doesn't get a full medical and psychological work-up. Something is seriously wrong with her.

[Anonymous]

You'll get flamed but you don't deserve it. Withholding sex for 10 years is abusive. Let's say you verbally abused her for 10 years and then stopped, should she just "get over it"? No. She rejected you and humiliated you and took you for granted for 10 years and is now grudgingly putting out (probably hating every minute) in order to stop you leaving. You were too patient for 10 years. Insist on therapy for you and for her (separately and together).

Don't settle on this shell of a marriage. If you know that you will leave, then do everything you can to fix it. Then you can leave with your head held high. Your mistake was not doing that in the first place. Great Dr Phil quote (I know but hear me out": You should try everything to save your marriage. But long-suffering isn't trying". Sitting around feeling resentful is not a proactive marital strategy so don't repeat it. 8 years ago you should have put your foot down for counseling and you should now.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I don't think I would have let the situation (no sex) go on for that long without insisting on marital counseling. Why didn't you?

[Anonymous]

Wow. Just wow. 10 years??

I have to say you need to let the bitterness go away. Being bitter never helps.

[Anonymous]

I'm in sort of the same shoes as you, but I'm the gal wanting to have more sex. My husband's job is tiring and stressful. If it weren't for my insisting on having sex on Saturday morning, it would be a year now since we last were together in any sort of nakedness. He has made no advances on me for a year and when I make mention of "getting down and dirty", he gives me the look of "I just can't...I'm too tired and stressed out".

Yet, all this time, I sympathize with him because my life raising the kids, one of them is special needs, is incredibly stressful and sex is usually the last thing on my mind as well. Yet, we have always tried to make an effort every month or so to be close.

Raising kids is stressful and so is working full time. Can you not have some compassion for how she might be feeling right now? I'm not here to flame you....I'm here to ask you to tune in a bit to her. What are her needs that are not getting fullfilled? Perhaps YOU might take the lead of getting a babysitter for the evening and take her to a nice dinner?...IDK, just some ideas to show that you are understanding of her stress as well.

It's always been my opinion that if you have a good enough marriage that you can talk to each other about anything, why needs therapy?

I have a couple questions for you, OP:
1. Has she pushed you away when you've advanced on her for sex?
2. do you fight about other things?
3. Has she made any requests of you that you've ignored?...like helping more with the kids and/or the household chores?

This information would help a lot in giving you better advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You'll get flamed but you don't deserve it. Withholding sex for 10 years is abusive. Let's say you verbally abused her for 10 years and then stopped, should she just "get over it"? No. She rejected you and humiliated you and took you for granted for 10 years and is now grudgingly putting out (probably hating every minute) in order to stop you leaving. You were too patient for 10 years. Insist on therapy for you and for her (separately and together).

Don't settle on this shell of a marriage. If you know that you will leave, then do everything you can to fix it. Then you can leave with your head held high. Your mistake was not doing that in the first place. Great Dr Phil quote (I know but hear me out": You should try everything to save your marriage. But long-suffering isn't trying". Sitting around feeling resentful is not a proactive marital strategy so don't repeat it. 8 years ago you should have put your foot down for counseling and you should now.

Good luck.

PP here....if you actually follow this person's advice. You don't deserve a wife that will raise children for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in sort of the same shoes as you, but I'm the gal wanting to have more sex. My husband's job is tiring and stressful. If it weren't for my insisting on having sex on Saturday morning, it would be a year now since we last were together in any sort of nakedness. He has made no advances on me for a year and when I make mention of "getting down and dirty", he gives me the look of "I just can't...I'm too tired and stressed out".

Yet, all this time, I sympathize with him because my life raising the kids, one of them is special needs, is incredibly stressful and sex is usually the last thing on my mind as well. Yet, we have always tried to make an effort every month or so to be close.

Raising kids is stressful and so is working full time. Can you not have some compassion for how she might be feeling right now? I'm not here to flame you....I'm here to ask you to tune in a bit to her. What are her needs that are not getting fullfilled? Perhaps YOU might take the lead of getting a babysitter for the evening and take her to a nice dinner?...IDK, just some ideas to show that you are understanding of her stress as well.

It's always been my opinion that if you have a good enough marriage that you can talk to each other about anything, why needs therapy?

I have a couple questions for you, OP:
1. Has she pushed you away when you've advanced on her for sex?
2. do you fight about other things?
3. Has she made any requests of you that you've ignored?...like helping more with the kids and/or the household chores?

This information would help a lot in giving you better advice.

This is such utter nonsense. Yes, raising kids is stressful - that's par t of having kids, doesn't give you a free pass on sex for 10 years. That you turn that into it being his fault because he doesn't have compassion or is insensitive to her needs is ridiculous. Give me a break. Would you be okay with your husband showing you no physical or emotional care for 10 years because he was tired and someone responding to you saying it is your fault for not showing compassion that he was tired - you shouldn't expect your spouse to care when he's tired, be sensitive to his needs. What a horrible foundation or a marriage. He shouldn't have to beg or pay her (in deeds) for sex. He hasn't said anything that would infer he is a self centered jerk who doesn't contribute to the household or parenting or that he isn't good to his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of almost no sex (maybe 5 times in a good year), my wife is finally having sex with me again on a somewhat regular basis. This only came about after I told her I would leave her if our sex live did not change. The sex is ok, not great, but it is better than nothing. The thing is, I am still bitter about the ten years where we had almost no sex. I can't forgive her for neglecting me for so long. We would have a pattern: after a particularly long time of no sex I would tell her I could not take it, we would do it once or twice, and then it would repeat. She would always say that she was still attracted to me, she knew something was wrong with her, and she was going to see somebody (a dr., a therapist, someone) . But she would never follow through.

Is it unreasonable of me to still be angry about the decade of neglect? I hardly expected it to be like when we were first together, and I would have settled for a few times a month. But she apparently could never bring herself to care enough about me, or us, to do that. Yes we had and have kids and that makes her tired, etc., but if you love someone and you know they are dying for something don't you throw them a bone every once in a while? Maybe it is easy for me to say, but I think I could have risen to the task a few time s a month if things had been reversed. I still have this very angry bitterness towards her, and I am still considering leaving her as I feel like it is too little too late. I'm sure I'll get flamed for this on a variety of fronts, so bring it on. Or, tell me I'm not crazy.

I won't flame you because I was in your shoes - five years of nothing. I yearned to be with her, touch her, satisfy her, try new positions, hold her after, etc. She eventually went to an analyst but it was pure hell for me because I desire close physical contact with my wife. I am the type of man who can have sex every day without a problem, and am willing to help with the chores so she is not too tired to do it.

[Anonymous]

OP. to 15:22

Yes, she turned over or pushed away. And I have to say that rejection was particularly painful, literally would make my stomach burn. I pretty much stopped trying after a few years.
Yes, we fight about other things, but we would fight less if not for this issue. Clearly, it shortened my temper and made me a less patient person. I readily admit that.
I'm not perfect, but I help around the house and with the kids, when I can. With commute included, I work 14 hours per day, so I cannot do as much as her (she stays home, but I've always acknowledged that in many ways her days were harder than mine). Again, I totally get it that with kids, the house, financial pressure, etc. I could not expect her to always be ready to go. But it got to the point of me asking don't you give crp about me at all? It wasn't painful for her, and the time we would do it she would eventually get into it.
Also, it's not like I let myself go. Not saying I'm a Greek God, but I take care of myself, I'm in shape, I get noticed at work by younger women, etc. So she didn't have that excuse.
We did talk about it, although not a lot. I would feel guilty for bringing it up, but I would eventually have to. Often, it was in the context of me losing my temper about something and her asking what was wrong. I would then explain it.
As for other who asked why wait this long? Two reasons. My youngest is 7, and I feel he is too young to have divorced parents. I adore him and could not be away from him five days a week. Also, finances. I cannot maintain two households.
Truth be told, there is nothing I want more than her to totally regain her libido, get to the point where she wants it a lot, and for me to have the self control to be able to turn her down. Unlikely it will happen, and, I could only turn her down if I had someone else on the side. Sounds mean, I know, but I did say I'm bitter....

[Anonymous]

If my husband withheld sex for me for 10 years, I would be bitter too. In fact, I would be completely hurt. But, you can't be bitter and angry forever. Well, I guess you can, but I don't think it's good for you. You guys need to work this out together or you need to move on, I think. Just b/c you're now getting sex doesn't necessarily excuse the past 10 yrs.

[Anonymous]

I had an affair with a man like this and didn't feel bad. He didn't have kids or else I would have never done it...

I didn't know he was married at first, but once I found out I just felt bad for the guy. He was just so starved to affection and attention. After we had sex he just wanted to lie in bed together and cuddle for hours, because he said he never got that at home. They were together for a total of 10 years, married for 4, and had sex only a couple times a year. He was only 34 and really good looking and nice and fun, I have no idea what was wrong with his wife to just neglect him like that. I can't imagine what life would be like that.

I know it was wrong and I ended it, but truthfully I don't feel bad. If it wasn't me it would have been someone else, and his wife should have taken care of business at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in sort of the same shoes as you, but I'm the gal wanting to have more sex. My husband's job is tiring and stressful. If it weren't for my insisting on having sex on Saturday morning, it would be a year now since we last were together in any sort of nakedness. He has made no advances on me for a year and when I make mention of "getting down and dirty", he gives me the look of "I just can't...I'm too tired and stressed out".

Yet, all this time, I sympathize with him because my life raising the kids, one of them is special needs, is incredibly stressful and sex is usually the last thing on my mind as well. Yet, we have always tried to make an effort every month or so to be close.

Raising kids is stressful and so is working full time. Can you not have some compassion for how she might be feeling right now? I'm not here to flame you....I'm here to ask you to tune in a bit to her. What are her needs that are not getting fullfilled? Perhaps YOU might take the lead of getting a babysitter for the evening and take her to a nice dinner?...IDK, just some ideas to show that you are understanding of her stress as well.

It's always been my opinion that if you have a good enough marriage that you can talk to each other about anything, why needs therapy?

I have a couple questions for you, OP:
1. Has she pushed you away when you've advanced on her for sex?
2. do you fight about other things?
3. Has she made any requests of you that you've ignored?...like helping more with the kids and/or the household chores?

This information would help a lot in giving you better advice.

This is such utter nonsense. Yes, raising kids is stressful - that's par t of having kids, doesn't give you a free pass on sex for 10 years. That you turn that into it being his fault because he doesn't have compassion or is insensitive to her needs is ridiculous. Give me a break. Would you be okay with your husband showing you no physical or emotional care for 10 years because he was tired and someone responding to you saying it is your fault for not showing compassion that he was tired - you shouldn't expect your spouse to care when he's tired, be sensitive to his needs. What a horrible foundation or a marriage. He shouldn't have to beg or pay her (in deeds) for sex. He hasn't said anything that would infer he is a self centered jerk who doesn't contribute to the household or parenting or that he isn't good to his wife.

Did you actually read the post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. to 15:22

Yes, she turned over or pushed away. And I have to say that rejection was particularly painful, literally would make my stomach burn. I pretty much stopped trying after a few years.
Yes, we fight about other things, but we would fight less if not for this issue. Clearly, it shortened my temper and made me a less patient person. I readily admit that.
I'm not perfect, but I help around the house and with the kids, when I can. With commute included, I work 14 hours per day, so I cannot do as much as her (she stays home, but I've always acknowledged that in many ways her days were harder than mine). Again, I totally get it that with kids, the house, financial pressure, etc. I could not expect her to always be ready to go. But it got to the point of me asking don't you give crp about me at all? It wasn't painful for her, and the time we would do it she would eventually get into it.
Also, it's not like I let myself go. Not saying I'm a Greek God, but I take care of myself, I'm in shape, I get noticed at work by younger women, etc. So she didn't have that excuse.
We did talk about it, although not a lot. I would feel guilty for bringing it up, but I would eventually have to. Often, it was in the context of me losing my temper about something and her asking what was wrong. I would then explain it.
As for other who asked why wait this long? Two reasons. My youngest is 7, and I feel he is too young to have divorced parents. I adore him and could not be away from him five days a week. Also, finances. I cannot maintain two households.
Truth be told, there is nothing I want more than her to totally regain her libido, get to the point where she wants it a lot, and for me to have the self control to be able to turn her down. Unlikely it will happen, and, I could only turn her down if I had someone else on the side. Sounds mean, I know, but I did say I'm bitter....

15:22 here....thanx for your answers.

I can see the situation much better now. And yes, I can see why you are bitter and resentful. Given your answers, I got nothing of use for you but to offer my prayers for your happiness. I hope you can find a way to make it work or not work that makes sense for you and your family. Good luck, OP.