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[quote=Anonymous]OP here.  Someone asked about the psychological effects of this, and I can tell you it is demoralizing and lonely.  To be rejected over and over again is painful.  I imagine it is no better for the women who have gone through this, perhaps even worse.  It is impossible to have an intimate, truly close and loving relationship without sex, in my opinion.  Sex isn't everything, but how can you feel truly close to someone and even touch them in a nonsexual way when you have no sex?  Again, at some point it becomes about caring - the other person doesn't care enough about you to throw you a bone, and it can be in one of several ways, even once every week or two.   And when you know the other person is smart enough to have a clue what they are doing to you, it makes you very angry. So then you have no sex and no real intimacy, but you are in a marriage.  As I explained to a friend once, it was the loneliest experience of my life.  If you are lonely and single, you can fix it by finding someone.  If you are lonely and married, your options are limited.

My wife was not asexual when we were first together, but perhaps she became that way.  We had sex probably 10 times a week for the first year and a half.  We quickly had kids and things ground to a halt.  As for an affair, I don't think she had one.  At one point I suggested an open relationship so that I would no longer be looking to her to fulfill this need, and then being disappointed with her for not doing so.  She has many wonderful qualities and I could see being happy with her if I were allowed to be intimate with someone else.  She rejected it out of hand and said she didn't want to be with anyone else.

There is at least one repeat poster here who has my bitterness multiplied by 5.  Some are harsh on him, and he does sound almost irrationally angry, but it is unfair to judge if you've never experienced it.  We get one shot at this life, and to look back and feel like a key part of your life was taken from you - by someone who supposedly loves you above all others - can be a very anger-inspiring experience.  Also, slightly off topic but very related, that poster points out quite accurately that with the divorce laws in many states the father (or in the rare instance where the women is the sole bread winner then the mother) is absolutely screwed.  You lose the kids.  You are broke. And it wasn't necessarily your fault.

I have been patient and have not cheated, but I know that I am open to an affair.  I've come very close, and probably had what some would term an emotional affair with a co-worker.  If it happens it won't be to get back at my wife, it will be to enjoy something that is missing form my life.  Even though we do have sex a little more now, it is, as the more angry poster has said, not the same.  I can't get as in to it.  I never, ever initiate it, even though I think there are times she would like me to, because I'm not willing to risk rejection at this point and, in a way, I want her to know what she has done to me.   If I have an affair it will be to obtain true intimacy again.  That may be difficult to have outside of a marriage, unless it is with a woman in a very similar situation.  If it happens and my wife finds out, I will ask what she expected, and doesn't she think she brought this on us.  If she does not see it that way and we get divorced over it, so be it.  I will have a clear conscience and be at peace with myself.

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