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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I feel really sad reading all of this. I have never been cheated on by my spouse that I know of. But it really feels like something is off with our society and probably women’s perceptions of their marriages as the be all, end all of their lives and worth.

I have a friend that once put it to me like this: “I love my husband with all my heart. But I’m not blind enough to think that one day he could cheat, or leave, or let me down in some way. Anyone could do this, even the ones that seem to be of solid character. But it’s my job as a woman and a friend to myself to know my worth, and to carry on if he lets me down.” Or something like that.

I’m not trying to blame women who were cheated on for how they feel. I just try to live my life thinking, my DH, despite my love for him, is human and fallible. Life takes all kinds of turns and we really have to be ready for them. To think that every man will remain faithful to every woman they made that promise to is obviously crazy. We know that as humans we simply can’t do this. Millions and millions of both women and men get cheated on, and millions and millions of women and men make themselves ill with worry and heartbreak.

I really think it’s time we compassionately allow ourselves to acknowledge that things won’t always work out, and that we will be ok in spite of it. The alternative is a heartbroken and ill half of the population. And that too much. [/quote]

As an independent career woman who anyone that knows me has said I don’t put up with sh@t and they joke how I’d toss my husband out immediately….

Reality is so different when you go through this.  It is absolutely nothing like you thought or would believe. NOTHING.  Is not the “wife thing”, it’s not an identity problem it’s a wound a deep deep wound and your universe literally is upside down and you no longer trust those strong instincts of yours.  You don’t believe anyone anymore—it makes you paranoid—even among friends.

Movies and books do not portray it.  When you have kids to protect and think about it’s even harder. It’s like how you have zero idea what being a parent is like until you are in it,,,and you have had to deal with a heartbreaking diagnosis of a child or tried to protect them.  You know as a non-parent what you think you would do: but you can’t fathom all the emotions, etc.

[/b]Anyone who says “I’ve never been cheated on, but..”, please, just stop right there. Don’t go on.[b] And, for the record, I was saying “I’ve never been cheated on” when I was actually being cheated on.  [/quote]

And I’ll add, betrayed by an ongoing affair in a marriage — not a ONS.[/quote]

PP here and you’re mistaking the entire sentiment of my post. I never once said anything from the perspective of whether a cheating victim should stay or go. What I’m saying is that far too many people, both men and women, base their happiness and worth on the actions and commitment of their spouse. With so many humans demonstrating that they simply can’t or won’t remain faithful, I am opining why we as a society continue to have this hard expectation that others will honor us in the way we think they should. We’ve seen that many spouses don’t. And for this reason, I am making the statement that perhaps we should go into relationships with our eyes open that sometimes, and even frequently, those we love and who love us do unfortunately let us down. I am and always have been prepared, just like my friend shared many years ago, to take a different path in life if I find myself in that position. I’ve always been more of the mindset of the impermanence of all things. The Buddhists say the attachment to outcomes is what causes us pain. I’m a Christian woman, FWIW, who just has a different perspective I suppose. [/quote]

You don't actually have a different perspective, you just don't understand what these commenters are saying. [/quote]

Nor do you understand. You are getting angry and triggered, and truly from the bottom of my heart I am sorry that your DH hurt you. [/quote]

You are saying that if these women would have just expected less, been more open to the realities of infidelity, etc. then they wouldn't be hurting so much now, and that they should just detach from what they wanted and accept life as it is, yes? I think I understand what you are saying. But you fail to see that expecting someone to have sex with only one person during the entire course of their marriage is not the same thing as expecting someone the love of your life to not f**k with your head for years. And they are both reasonable expectations, by the way.

PS I'm not angry, nor am I a betrayed spouse. I am just really irritated by comments like yours. [/quote]

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