Reply to Self preservation Strategies when husband sucks but your staying together for thr kids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It’s so unfair to your kids to do this. Kids deserve to grow up in a loving environment, not a home seething with animosity and resentment. Please rethink this.[/quote]

I thought that, too, and I am divorced. Things are better in some ways but really, it is much more difficult in every other way. Logistics with coparenting with someone you don't want to be married to is worse than staying married. Had I known how difficult it would be logistics wise and it was not a fresh start at all and just more complicated, I would have stayed until the kids go to college. If I had sole or primary custody, I would not feel this way, but 50/50 custody and divorce is far more difficult than staying in a miserable marriage. I am still miserable but it is a lot harder than it was. Kids in one house is far easier even if the houses are miles apart like mine.[/quote]

What is happening that is making things such a logistical nightmare?  I have 50/50 and it’s definitely better than being miserable in one house.[/quote]

The stuff in two places is awful. The constant back and forth. The constant communication about the kids. The kids have activities EVERY DAY. We are not stopping that. This means there are things forgotten and often on "off nights" we end up having to do something with one kid because a parent can't be in two places at the same time. I hated him then and I hate him now. Before at least I could ignore him in the house and all of their stuff was in one place. He won't buy what they need so I end up buying things for two houses. I feel like I am running two households rather than one. I can't make him do things he won't do. He is 50 and not changing. It is worse than before. Before we would go days without speaking. Now I have to hear from him every day. [/quote]

That does sound rough.  Our situations are different.  And mine has gotten easier as the kids have gotten older.

Luckily, my kids were tweens and teens so they could coordinate what they need and bug their dad.

There is a shared calendar everyone uses and I do most of the updating on it. But he uses it.  Since I generally do the updates, I make kid routine and specialist doctor/dental/etc. appointments that fall to both of us pretty fairly, and he doesn’t question me or anything.

Now, we did change kid activities so that, routinely, activities fell at different times/days, specifically because I wanted to avoid your situation. It meant they switched to x instructor or y sporting group or team in two cases. Of course, sometimes a game or event does happen at the same time, and we do split driving for those.

If he forgets to take a kid to something, I let it go. He can pay whatever fee for missing x, or deal with the shame when kid tells his mom that he missed y leading to a missed opportunity because dad forgot (usually that addresses it, at least for a while). Unless it’s a doc appt, then I nudge him to fix it, or I do.

I really didn’t care how he got his place in order for them.  He had the basics - beds, sheets, blanket.  There was an incident where he didn’t have first aid stuff and, well, that prompted him to get it.  I started telling the kids to ask dad to just order whatever they needed whenever they needed it off Amazon.  It worked.  My kids are old enough to decide what to wear so they handle taking what they want over. I don’t care what he feeds them as long as there is food, and he will order delivery if he forgot to shop so I don’t have to worry about them eating.

We do text fairly regularly.  It is generally polite and cordial.  Sometimes I am reminded of why I divorced him. 
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