Marriage is transactional — is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Read Fair Play. Try to do tasks from conceptualization to execution and not overlap. The overlap and overexpectation is what causes a lot of tension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. Not that unusual really. My DH sometimes adds to my weekly discretionary allowance if I’ve “brought him extra happiness” this week. We both know what that means.

OMG!

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s unusual. The only thing that seems unusual to me is how it’s being said.
Just last night, I had some work to do, and I didn’t want to do the bedtime routine. I told DH, he offered to put the kids to bed. Today, I will finish work early since I was doing it last night, and I will make dinner.

I would also say that sex that’s out of my typical comfort zone is kind of implied during a weekend away. Not anything painful, but I pack some lingerie and things that I wouldn’t normally wear at home.

I don’t know if your spouse is controlling or if you just aren’t picking up on the idea that you need to reciprocate, so he is being direct and telling you how to reciprocate.
This kind of reminds me of the ubiquitous holiday posts where women share that they told their spouse exactly what gift to get them for the holiday. If you take it out of context, it could sound wierd and controlling, but in context, it’s just a way of making sure that their needs get met in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. Not that unusual really. My DH sometimes adds to my weekly discretionary allowance if I’ve “brought him extra happiness” this week. We both know what that means.

OMG!

That has to be a troll post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Oh please are you the “they” poster? 🙄 Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. Not that unusual really. My DH sometimes adds to my weekly discretionary allowance if I’ve “brought him extra happiness” this week. We both know what that means.

So, you're a hooker.

[Anonymous]

Age gap or financial disparity can negatively effect normal marital balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s unusual. The only thing that seems unusual to me is how it’s being said.
Just last night, I had some work to do, and I didn’t want to do the bedtime routine. I told DH, he offered to put the kids to bed. Today, I will finish work early since I was doing it last night, and I will make dinner.

I would also say that sex that’s out of my typical comfort zone is kind of implied during a weekend away. Not anything painful, but I pack some lingerie and things that I wouldn’t normally wear at home.

I don’t know if your spouse is controlling or if you just aren’t picking up on the idea that you need to reciprocate, so he is being direct and telling you how to reciprocate.
This kind of reminds me of the ubiquitous holiday posts where women share that they told their spouse exactly what gift to get them for the holiday. If you take it out of context, it could sound wierd and controlling, but in context, it’s just a way of making sure that their needs get met in the relationship.

That’s just regular married person stuff. You pick up the slack for each other, you take turns, and vacation sex is a little special. The problem is when it’s bean counting, mandated stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
31 and married only about 6 months, first serious relationship for me. Spouse is very transactional with me on everything. For example, spouse might say “I’ll do the dishes this week but you need to take the car in for the annual checkout.” Loves to say “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.” Is thus unusual? Feels odd especially when applied to our intimate relationship.

There are probably people out there who are fine with it. Those people may also be economists.

To me this is the opposite of marriage. Sounds like he’s completely self interested and will only do something nice for you if there’s something in it for him.

Many years ago my grandmother, who lived a great love story, told me that the secret to a happy marriage was for both partners to put each other first. I don’t always achieve it, but I aspire to it. Sounds like your husband would never consider doing something nice for you if there’s nothing in it for him.

I’m sorry, but I would find this marriage to be unbearable and a terrible mistake.

+1 This is the crux of the issue. It's fine to want to keep things fair but it doesn't sound like OP's DH is aspiring to fairness. He's setting the terms and telling her what her efforts are "worth" to him, and he also created the economy where she only gets what she needs if he gets what she wants and now he's insisting she has to participate in it. Because that's how it's supposed to be, based on his first, failed marriage.

OP this is not a marriage. I wouldn't stick around to see how much worse it can get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. Not that unusual really. My DH sometimes adds to my weekly discretionary allowance if I’ve “brought him extra happiness” this week. We both know what that means.

There's a word for that, isn't there? I feel like there is . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s unusual. The only thing that seems unusual to me is how it’s being said.
Just last night, I had some work to do, and I didn’t want to do the bedtime routine. I told DH, he offered to put the kids to bed. Today, I will finish work early since I was doing it last night, and I will make dinner.

I would also say that sex that’s out of my typical comfort zone is kind of implied during a weekend away. Not anything painful, but I pack some lingerie and things that I wouldn’t normally wear at home.

I don’t know if your spouse is controlling or if you just aren’t picking up on the idea that you need to reciprocate, so he is being direct and telling you how to reciprocate.
This kind of reminds me of the ubiquitous holiday posts where women share that they told their spouse exactly what gift to get them for the holiday. If you take it out of context, it could sound wierd and controlling, but in context, it’s just a way of making sure that their needs get met in the relationship.

That’s just regular married person stuff. You pick up the slack for each other, you take turns, and vacation sex is a little special. The problem is when it’s bean counting, mandated stuff.

Right. I can’t tell if the bean counting is because OP was never taking her turn, so her spouse resorted to bean counting or if her spouse was afraid that she wouldn’t take her run because of his previous marriage or something else.
Whatever it is, as far as marriage issues go, it seems like one that you could resolve pretty easily.

[Anonymous]

It’s better than most DCUM marriages where the assumption would be that you, as the wife, would both take care of the car and do the dishes unless you explicitly ask him to do it (and then five years from now he will admit that he has been sulking for most of your marriage because you never offered to do that sexual act that you know that he likes).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel mine works well mostly, but I do feel transactional. Like at one point I gained weight, but never technically even overweight by BMI, but there was hell to pay. Meanwhile his BMI is over 30 (technically obese). I do nearly all the home and kid stuff. This seems to be the deal for the female. Not unhappy - but I do think this is the patriarchy!

Our jobs are nearly equal in terms of hours, I make only a little bit less, and am 7 years younger.

Sigh. It's so easy to blame the patriarchy, when there's a much simpler explanation.

"My obese husband have me hell when I gained a little weight. I also do all the house ans kid stuff. The system sucks!"

Perhaps - but more importantly for you, your husband sucks. That's much more relevant than sociological concepts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
31 and married only about 6 months, first serious relationship for me. Spouse is very transactional with me on everything. For example, spouse might say “I’ll do the dishes this week but you need to take the car in for the annual checkout.” Loves to say “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.” Is thus unusual? Feels odd especially when applied to our intimate relationship.

There are probably people out there who are fine with it. Those people may also be economists.

To me this is the opposite of marriage. Sounds like he’s completely self interested and will only do something nice for you if there’s something in it for him.

Many years ago my grandmother, who lived a great love story, told me that the secret to a happy marriage was for both partners to put each other first. I don’t always achieve it, but I aspire to it. Sounds like your husband would never consider doing something nice for you if there’s nothing in it for him.

I’m sorry, but I would find this marriage to be unbearable and a terrible mistake.

+1 This is the crux of the issue. It's fine to want to keep things fair but it doesn't sound like OP's DH is aspiring to fairness. He's setting the terms and telling her what her efforts are "worth" to him, and he also created the economy where she only gets what she needs if he gets what she wants and now he's insisting she has to participate in it. Because that's how it's supposed to be, based on his first, failed marriage.

OP this is not a marriage. I wouldn't stick around to see how much worse it can get.

New poster. I came to point out the exact passages someone else put into bold above. Thanks, PP.

To OP: There is a WORLD of difference, in a marriage, between these two things: "Would you do the dishes please? I need to finish putting away the clothes" versus "I'll put away the clothes--but only if you do the dishes."

See the difference, OP? The former is a couple just working out, quickly, how to get some things done. The latter is a "I will only do X if you do Y for me" transaction. What does your spouse do -- or not do -- if you don't "hold up your end of the deal"? Because isn't that how spouse sees everything--as a deal where you only get X if you do Y, and Y is something that either benefits spouse, or which spouse has said spouse wants from you? Does spouse drop the dish brush and walk away if you don't put those clothes away now?

The fact that spouse is this kind of "quid pro quo" transactional at ALL levels, from the very mundane to the extremely intimate (if you do a certain sex act, you get your vacation; if you don't do it -- are you really told "We aren't going to that inn because you won't do X with me"??) -- that's a very, very bad sign. You have been married less than a year. Do you really think this is never going to accelerate? That spouse will change? No. Spouse sees this as normal marriage. It absolutely is not, as many PPs have described.

I can't say it strongly enough: If you are feeling now, this early in the marriage, that everything from household help to vacations must be purchased from spouse with your acquiescense to what spouse wants -- that is NOT going to get better over time. "Purchased" and "your acquiesence" are the key terms here, OP. You are buying peace in your household by doing things you are told to do, and even by doing thing that make you uncomfortable sexually. That is NOT how a loving spouse, who puts you first, behaves. Please don't let your spouse normalize this in your head.

OP, what does spouse say if you bring this up? You mention that spouse says his or her previous marriage was this way -- so you've tried to talk to spouse about this? And it's gone badly, with spouse shrugging this concern off? If that's the case, and you have broached this and been sloughed off, I would make couples counseling a non-negotiable thing. Book it yourself and present it to spouse as essential if you plan to stay together. Because you don't want to wake up in 10 years' time, or even one year's time, feeling you had to buy your life with your acquiescence in everything from tiny daily details to sexual acts. JFC.

Please please do not have children with your spouse. Not unless there is serious commitment to change and the change actually happens and sticks. Your spouse will expect the same transactional relationship with any kids you have, absolutely. This might be salvageable with real work but spouse has to put in that work and make it last. I'd wager that spouse will say, "I already did therapy after my divorce, I'm done with that, I'm good," which will be your red flag that this won't change. That earlier therapy did not give spouse any self-awareness, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
31 and married only about 6 months, first serious relationship for me. Spouse is very transactional with me on everything. For example, spouse might say “I’ll do the dishes this week but you need to take the car in for the annual checkout.” Loves to say “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.” Is thus unusual? Feels odd especially when applied to our intimate relationship.

There are probably people out there who are fine with it. Those people may also be economists.

To me this is the opposite of marriage. Sounds like he’s completely self interested and will only do something nice for you if there’s something in it for him.

Many years ago my grandmother, who lived a great love story, told me that the secret to a happy marriage was for both partners to put each other first. I don’t always achieve it, but I aspire to it. Sounds like your husband would never consider doing something nice for you if there’s nothing in it for him.

I’m sorry, but I would find this marriage to be unbearable and a terrible mistake.

+1 This is the crux of the issue. It's fine to want to keep things fair but it doesn't sound like OP's DH is aspiring to fairness. He's setting the terms and telling her what her efforts are "worth" to him, and he also created the economy where she only gets what she needs if he gets what she wants and now he's insisting she has to participate in it. Because that's how it's supposed to be, based on his first, failed marriage.

OP this is not a marriage. I wouldn't stick around to see how much worse it can get.

+2. and the PP whose husband increased her ALLOWANCE based on sex. OMG