Marriage is transactional — is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Not another experiment where you try to see if we respond differently based on gender…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Not another experiment where you try to see if we respond differently based on gender…

Wait, so the wife is the one demanding stuff in bed that the OP doesn’t want to do? In exchange for a weekend away at a country inn? Huh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Not another experiment where you try to see if we respond differently based on gender…

Wait, so the wife is the one demanding stuff in bed that the OP doesn’t want to do? In exchange for a weekend away at a country inn? Huh.

It’s 2022 for heaven sake‘s. They could both be women, or men.

[Anonymous]

Except it's not two women. The behavior OP is describing is rooted in a certain sense of gender-based entitlement. If she outsourced all the tasks he is trying to trade and presented him with the bill, his eyes might be opened. Maybe the answer is for her to start charging. What's the going rate for breastfeeding an infant for 3 months? What would a 24/7 night nurse charge hourly? Do sex acts that result in orgasms command higher rates?

[Anonymous]

I’d maybe suggest working on the language of the transactions to make it less explicit. For example, DH and I often check in with each other to see which chores each are planning to do. We also sometimes make a list and divide up the work. Make it “I’m going to wash the dishes tonight. Can you take the car in next week?” Rather than “I’ll do this if you do that for me.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All successful couples I know have given me advice not to be this way and keeping track of this type of stuff is a recipe for disaster. The fact that your spouse is on their 2nd married at 36 (?) might be an indicator they aren’t great at marriage. Did they do any therapy after their divorce or marriage counseling during? Sometimes divorce is the fault of one person, but the majority of time it’s both people.

Spouse did do therapy after first marriage ended, yes. Prior marriage ended because of infidelity on part of spouse’s ex.

Sometimes that’s not the whole story.

[Anonymous]

The chore part isn’t so bad - people are bad at dividing household stuff and you could solve it with clear responsibilities or weekly planning meetings.

It’s the sex you don’t like In exchange for a weekend trip, if not said in jest, that is the huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d maybe suggest working on the language of the transactions to make it less explicit. For example, DH and I often check in with each other to see which chores each are planning to do. We also sometimes make a list and divide up the work. Make it “I’m going to wash the dishes tonight. Can you take the car in next week?” Rather than “I’ll do this if you do that for me.”

Yes, that's better. You two work out a workable agreement together. OP gives the impression that her husband issues fiats.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if it’s normal but it’s not how my husband and I are, and it wouldn’t be acceptable for me. We both do whatever needs doing until everything is done. If three tasks need to be done, neither of us is sitting on the couch relaxing. If DH is cooking dinner I’m setting the table. If I’m cleaning the dishes he’s sweeping or emptying the trash.

[Anonymous]

This is completely abnormal and not healthy at all. Very controlling and a bit deviant.

Sorry! You’re 31, that does not feel young to you but it is super young. Get out before they were kids. Don’t walk, run!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All successful couples I know have given me advice not to be this way and keeping track of this type of stuff is a recipe for disaster. The fact that your spouse is on their 2nd married at 36 (?) might be an indicator they aren’t great at marriage. Did they do any therapy after their divorce or marriage counseling during? Sometimes divorce is the fault of one person, but the majority of time it’s both people.

Spouse did do therapy after first marriage ended, yes. Prior marriage ended because of infidelity on part of spouse’s ex.

Well, now you know why. Spouse’s ex was looking for genuine love. -person whose spouse also ended their first marriage over infidelity that I later came to understand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yuck

Sounds like your spouse just makes explicit what is often implicit on many relationships. Yawn.

This was my first thought as well. I wish my spouse and I were this upfront about things. Think about it…if there was a chore that you didn’t like, then you can trade for something your spouse doesn’t like and be free of it forever.
Someone said that this would not be sustainable after kids, but I heartily disagree. I think it would be amazing after kids. There is a lot of give and take with little kids that require 24/7 supervision. I hated the feeling that I had to choose between being the shrew wife that wouldn’t let her husband golf with his buddies or go to happy hour or feeling lonely and kind of taken advantage of. How great would it be if he was like, “If I go golfing on Saturday, then I will do bedtime every night this week.”?

As far as the sexual stuff, I would find that kind of hot. But I have been married for fifteen years, and I’m not sure that my husband still finds anything I do in bed exciting enough to warrant a weekend away. I’m not sure that I would have liked it six months into being married. I think that’s something that you both have to be into for it to work. Otherwise, it’s just creepy.

It’s not hot. It makes me think of that scene from Requiem for a Dream.

Wow. I guess it depends on whether you think your husband is gross, and his being turned on creeps you out, or if you think he is sexy, and his being turned on turns you on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All successful couples I know have given me advice not to be this way and keeping track of this type of stuff is a recipe for disaster. The fact that your spouse is on their 2nd married at 36 (?) might be an indicator they aren’t great at marriage. Did they do any therapy after their divorce or marriage counseling during? Sometimes divorce is the fault of one person, but the majority of time it’s both people.

I agree with that advice (married 30 years). But do you ever read the posts here about childcare and housework? It’s like the people here keep ledgers. OPs husband fits right in.

I’m not a keep track kind of person. Not that some things don’t get discussed - like when you have a a lot to get done on a deadline, there’s a lot of you do this while I do that. But on the normal day to day stuff we’re not like that at all and we don’t keep score.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yuck

Sounds like your spouse just makes explicit what is often implicit on many relationships. Yawn.

This was my first thought as well. I wish my spouse and I were this upfront about things. Think about it…if there was a chore that you didn’t like, then you can trade for something your spouse doesn’t like and be free of it forever.
Someone said that this would not be sustainable after kids, but I heartily disagree. I think it would be amazing after kids. There is a lot of give and take with little kids that require 24/7 supervision. I hated the feeling that I had to choose between being the shrew wife that wouldn’t let her husband golf with his buddies or go to happy hour or feeling lonely and kind of taken advantage of. How great would it be if he was like, “If I go golfing on Saturday, then I will do bedtime every night this week.”?

As far as the sexual stuff, I would find that kind of hot. But I have been married for fifteen years, and I’m not sure that my husband still finds anything I do in bed exciting enough to warrant a weekend away. I’m not sure that I would have liked it six months into being married. I think that’s something that you both have to be into for it to work. Otherwise, it’s just creepy.

It’s not hot. It makes me think of that scene from Requiem for a Dream.

Wow. I guess it depends on whether you think your husband is gross, and his being turned on creeps you out, or if you think he is sexy, and his being turned on turns you on.

No, if someone is saying you can have that thing you want if you do this sexual act *that you do not want to do* that’s pretty gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Well, no man cares about a weekend at a country inn, so you are definitely a woman.