Marriage is transactional — is this normal?
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Anonymous
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Fine with chores: I’ll cook dinner if you do the dishes. I’ll go take the car in for servicing, will you walk the dog? Etc.
Completely not fine when it comes to sex. Can we try x in bed? is normal. Pressuring a partner into doing an act that they feel is actively violating or painful by attaching it to a bribe feels cruel. I imagine deep resentment would build quickly. |
Anonymous
This sounds like a kink or fetish to me. I don’t know if it’s a stated one between the participants but it certainly feels like kind of an intentionally kinky move. If both parties are into the paying for sex fetish power to them. Obviously not cool if one party is not into it. I know my DH would feel very hurt if I asked him for some extra cash since I slept with him as it would imply that it was a chore for me. |
Anonymous
| If your spouse is female, that is smart. Too often women do too much. Be glad she's communicating with you in a direct, respectful manner. |
Anonymous
That is abuse. I would have divorced him. |
Anonymous
| I haven't read all the responses but definitely no tit-for-tat. However, I have heard it suggested to make a list of chores and then each spouse pick them one at a time to put on their "plate" as their regular responsibility with potential future re-negotiation. |
Anonymous
Well, now we all want to know what the uncomfortable sex thing is. |
Anonymous
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totally
know a woman who went to art school married guy old enough to be her dad gave him a daughter, tho he would have preferred a son he keeps her in prada & gucci & on parents night @ el nino's school, she sits in his lap she knows who butters her bread & that he can replace her w a younger model |
Anonymous
| OP, to answer your question, it's not unusual for people to view their relationships through a transactional lens, and we could debate the merits (or lack thereof) of this approach, but the more important question is whether this is what you want in a spouse? |
Anonymous
DP. The sad thing is, this DW does not recognize how cruelly manipulative the DH was. No vacations? Which often are good for mental health? He withheld the potential for relaxation and mental rest to force her to lose weight. I'm sure he sold it to her as an "incentive" and made her feel she was on board with him for this "effort" to "improve her health for her good and the baby's good" and so on. To that DW whose DH did this--Do you really believe that this is the only time he is going to make you do X in your marriage in order to get Y out of him? Sit down and think about it. In what other contexts has he told you that you have to do something "for your own good" and then told you he had an incentive for you, giving you something only after you achieve a goal that HE sets and HE enforces? If he's playing the incentive and for-your-own-good game -- you need to see it for what it really is. Manipulation and a transaction. I doubt that 20 pounds in exchange for a vacation was or will be the only time he'll do this. And his focus on your exact weight to the pound is disturbing. What happens if you gain a little back? How much triggers the next round of "You can't have X until you lose...." Five pounds? One? Highly manipulative and obsessed with appearance. God help this DW if something happens like she gets ill or goes on a medication where weight gain occurs that's out of her control and cannot necessarily be "fixed" with dieting and exercise. Her DH is going to put one foot out the door while accusing her of "not trying hard enough" or whatever he comes up with so she take the blame and he looks caring. The even bigger red flag? He will do this to their kids in some way. Maybe weight. Maybe grades. But he'll teach them that you have to be dad's idea of healthy or smart or accomplished, or you're just not quite right. |
Anonymous
| I was in a tit for tat marriage. It was exhausting. |
Anonymous
OP again. Really did not want to go there but if I must ... she calls it pegging. |
Anonymous
I guess I should add that it is not that I hate it, I just don't get anything out of it. And it can be uncomfortable. I would like to make DW happy but this sometimes feels like a bit much. |
Anonymous
Called it. |
Anonymous
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I feel your pain, OP. There is something strong, but also fundamentally off, in today's super competent DW who does it all and also insists on her "thing" that DH does not necessarily like, all out of a sense of entitlement that doesn't account for the other's feelings. |
Anonymous
Whoa -- Is that why first marriage ended? |