Marriage is transactional — is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Well, no man cares about a weekend at a country inn, so you are definitely a woman.

Ha, right. OP, sounds like you have some self esteem/self worth issues. You got married to the first guy you have had a relationship with...and he's been married already once. Trouble.

OP again. I am a man.

Well, now we all want to know what the uncomfortable sex thing is.

OP again. Really did not want to go there but if I must ... she calls it pegging.

Whoa -- Is that why first marriage ended?

Well OP said early on that it ended because spouse had cheated. Maybe previous husband got tired of taking it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Not another experiment where you try to see if we respond differently based on gender…

Called it.

Yeah, and all those who weighed in when they thought it was a DW being mistreated are silent....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Not another experiment where you try to see if we respond differently based on gender…

Called it.

Yeah, and all those who weighed in when they thought it was a DW being mistreated are silent....

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Not another experiment where you try to see if we respond differently based on gender…

Called it.

Yeah, and all those who weighed in when they thought it was a DW being mistreated are silent....

+100

True, where are you commentators?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Well, no man cares about a weekend at a country inn, so you are definitely a woman.

Ha, right. OP, sounds like you have some self esteem/self worth issues. You got married to the first guy you have had a relationship with...and he's been married already once. Trouble.

OP again. I am a man.

Well, now we all want to know what the uncomfortable sex thing is.

OP again. Really did not want to go there but if I must ... she calls it pegging.

Whoa -- Is that why first marriage ended?

Well OP said early on that it ended because spouse had cheated. Maybe previous husband got tired of taking it that way.

NP. Look, people are entitled to ask for what they want. That's an adult discussion. Maybe OP's DW really loves that, because all day long she is subject to systematic and pervasive paternalistic behavior and she wants to be free of that. What is the harm (if there's consent)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Well, no man cares about a weekend at a country inn, so you are definitely a woman.

Ha, right. OP, sounds like you have some self esteem/self worth issues. You got married to the first guy you have had a relationship with...and he's been married already once. Trouble.

OP again. I am a man.

Well, now we all want to know what the uncomfortable sex thing is.

OP again. Really did not want to go there but if I must ... she calls it pegging.

Whoa -- Is that why first marriage ended?

Well OP said early on that it ended because spouse had cheated. Maybe previous husband got tired of taking it that way.

NP. Look, people are entitled to ask for what they want. That's an adult discussion. Maybe OP's DW really loves that, because all day long she is subject to systematic and pervasive paternalistic behavior and she wants to be free of that. What is the harm (if there's consent)?

Come on. Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Well, no man cares about a weekend at a country inn, so you are definitely a woman.

Ha, right. OP, sounds like you have some self esteem/self worth issues. You got married to the first guy you have had a relationship with...and he's been married already once. Trouble.

OP again. I am a man.

Well, now we all want to know what the uncomfortable sex thing is.

OP again. Really did not want to go there but if I must ... she calls it pegging.

Whoa -- Is that why first marriage ended?

Well OP said early on that it ended because spouse had cheated. Maybe previous husband got tired of taking it that way.

NP. Look, people are entitled to ask for what they want. That's an adult discussion. Maybe OP's DW really loves that, because all day long she is subject to systematic and pervasive paternalistic behavior and she wants to be free of that. What is the harm (if there's consent)?

Hold on a second here. If the genders were reversed, would you really defend this way of treating a spouse? DH is beaten down and wants to gain confidence by asserting himself in some nonconventional way? You'd be horrified. Now that we know DH is a man and his wife insists on doing things this way, why are you not equally upset?

[Anonymous]

If this is not a troll, OP seriously buried the lede. I don’t think any of us can opine on what’s normal for a relationship where the husband really wants a weekend away at a country inn but wife will only do that if husband allows her to f— him up the a—. None of us have ever met that couple. Most of us would say this relationship is unusual in multiple respects but if it works for you, that’s all okay.

[Anonymous]

Not abnormal but not healthy either. Read the empowered wife by Laura Doyle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes but spouse says lots of marriages are like this as was spouse’s first marriage. Quid pro quo.

Take note that spouse’s first marriage ended. As do many.

No bean counting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is not a troll, OP seriously buried the lede. I don’t think any of us can opine on what’s normal for a relationship where the husband really wants a weekend away at a country inn but wife will only do that if husband allows her to f— him up the a—. None of us have ever met that couple. Most of us would say this relationship is unusual in multiple respects but if it works for you, that’s all okay.

+1.
This is an unusual marriage in many, many respects. The tit for tat in terms of chores is probably the least unusual part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel mine works well mostly, but I do feel transactional. Like at one point I gained weight, but never technically even overweight by BMI, but there was hell to pay. Meanwhile his BMI is over 30 (technically obese). I do nearly all the home and kid stuff. This seems to be the deal for the female. Not unhappy - but I do think this is the patriarchy!

Our jobs are nearly equal in terms of hours, I make only a little bit less, and am 7 years younger.

Sigh. It's so easy to blame the patriarchy, when there's a much simpler explanation.

"My obese husband have me hell when I gained a little weight. I also do all the house ans kid stuff. The system sucks!"

Perhaps - but more importantly for you, your husband sucks. That's much more relevant than sociological concepts.

My husband refused to go on any vacations until I lost the extra 20 lbs I was carrying after our son was born. Even made me weigh in once a week. I hated that but now am glad he did it. It was for my benefit.

I'm admittedly pretty judgy about women who don't lose the baby weight but this is F****D UP. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes but spouse says lots of marriages are like this as was spouse’s first marriage. Quid pro quo.

Take note that spouse’s first marriage ended. As do many.

No bean counting.

Yes, how'd that work for spouse in the first marriage? (Rhetorical question.)

OP, get out now. This is not going to go well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Not another experiment where you try to see if we respond differently based on gender…

Wait, so the wife is the one demanding stuff in bed that the OP doesn’t want to do? In exchange for a weekend away at a country inn? Huh.

It’s 2022 for heaven sake‘s. They could both be women, or men.

Oh please. No chance this spouse is a woman

[Anonymous]

OK this is a troll. On the off chance that it isn't, OP your marriage is messed up and you need to get out. Nothing wrong with dividing up chores, i.e. I will do dishes, you take out the garbage, etc., but exchanging money/vacations for sex acts you don't enjoy is not a relationship.