Marriage is transactional — is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel mine works well mostly, but I do feel transactional. Like at one point I gained weight, but never technically even overweight by BMI, but there was hell to pay. Meanwhile his BMI is over 30 (technically obese). I do nearly all the home and kid stuff. This seems to be the deal for the female. Not unhappy - but I do think this is the patriarchy!

Our jobs are nearly equal in terms of hours, I make only a little bit less, and am 7 years younger.

Sigh. It's so easy to blame the patriarchy, when there's a much simpler explanation.

"My obese husband have me hell when I gained a little weight. I also do all the house ans kid stuff. The system sucks!"

Perhaps - but more importantly for you, your husband sucks. That's much more relevant than sociological concepts.

No kidding. What a tool that guy is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, don’t want to be too explicit here but certain favored acts that bring me no particular pleasure but spouse enjoys tremendously in exchange for something I really want (e.g. long weekend at country inn).

Ew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslighting?

Don’t think so. Spouse sincerely believes in this approach. Spouse is economist by training.

This is your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslighting?

Don’t think so. Spouse sincerely believes in this approach. Spouse is economist by training.

This is your answer.

DP. Nah, that's not an answer. OP, does your spouse try to claim that it's the economist background that makes them this way? If so: Bogus. An excuse. Many an economist can be a human being at home and treat a relationship as one of love and not quid pro quo transactions. Ask me how I know....I'm married to one.

The fact that your spouse supposedly had therapy after the first marriage failed, yet still thinks that this level of transaction in every interaction is normal, well, that's a sure sign that the therapy was pretty crappy.

The fact that your spouse wants you to exchange specific sex acts for vacations you want? That's awful. And sounds very controlling. So ask yourself: Are there other ways in which spouse tries to control things you do, say, people you see? Sit down and consider it. I'll bet you can find other controlling behaviors besides all the transactional expectations for chores and "chores" in bed. What does your spouse do if you say no to the transactions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, don’t want to be too explicit here but certain favored acts that bring me no particular pleasure but spouse enjoys tremendously in exchange for something I really want (e.g. long weekend at country inn).

That’s icky.

However trading off on chores is very normal.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a real partnership.

Would you rather marry a mamone who sits on the couch waiting for his dinner and for you to put away his mess until you start complaining, then he says alright alright alright every day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, don’t want to be too explicit here but certain favored acts that bring me no particular pleasure but spouse enjoys tremendously in exchange for something I really want (e.g. long weekend at country inn).

Butt stuff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel mine works well mostly, but I do feel transactional. Like at one point I gained weight, but never technically even overweight by BMI, but there was hell to pay. Meanwhile his BMI is over 30 (technically obese). I do nearly all the home and kid stuff. This seems to be the deal for the female. Not unhappy - but I do think this is the patriarchy!

Our jobs are nearly equal in terms of hours, I make only a little bit less, and am 7 years younger.

Sigh. It's so easy to blame the patriarchy, when there's a much simpler explanation.

"My obese husband have me hell when I gained a little weight. I also do all the house ans kid stuff. The system sucks!"

Perhaps - but more importantly for you, your husband sucks. That's much more relevant than sociological concepts.

My husband refused to go on any vacations until I lost the extra 20 lbs I was carrying after our son was born. Even made me weigh in once a week. I hated that but now am glad he did it. It was for my benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel mine works well mostly, but I do feel transactional. Like at one point I gained weight, but never technically even overweight by BMI, but there was hell to pay. Meanwhile his BMI is over 30 (technically obese). I do nearly all the home and kid stuff. This seems to be the deal for the female. Not unhappy - but I do think this is the patriarchy!

Our jobs are nearly equal in terms of hours, I make only a little bit less, and am 7 years younger.

Sigh. It's so easy to blame the patriarchy, when there's a much simpler explanation.

"My obese husband have me hell when I gained a little weight. I also do all the house ans kid stuff. The system sucks!"

Perhaps - but more importantly for you, your husband sucks. That's much more relevant than sociological concepts.

My husband refused to go on any vacations until I lost the extra 20 lbs I was carrying after our son was born. Even made me weigh in once a week. I hated that but now am glad he did it. It was for my benefit.

I’m sorry. He wasn’t thinking of you when he made you do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslighting?

Don’t think so. Spouse sincerely believes in this approach. Spouse is economist by training.

This is your answer.

DP. Nah, that's not an answer. OP, does your spouse try to claim that it's the economist background that makes them this way? If so: Bogus. An excuse. Many an economist can be a human being at home and treat a relationship as one of love and not quid pro quo transactions. Ask me how I know....I'm married to one.

The fact that your spouse supposedly had therapy after the first marriage failed, yet still thinks that this level of transaction in every interaction is normal, well, that's a sure sign that the therapy was pretty crappy.

The fact that your spouse wants you to exchange specific sex acts for vacations you want? That's awful. And sounds very controlling. So ask yourself: Are there other ways in which spouse tries to control things you do, say, people you see? Sit down and consider it. I'll bet you can find other controlling behaviors besides all the transactional expectations for chores and "chores" in bed. What does your spouse do if you say no to the transactions?

+1. Spouse is an economist has nothing to do with him being a petty controlling ass

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Well, no man cares about a weekend at a country inn, so you are definitely a woman.

Ha, right. OP, sounds like you have some self esteem/self worth issues. You got married to the first guy you have had a relationship with...and he's been married already once. Trouble.

OP again. I am a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Well, no man cares about a weekend at a country inn, so you are definitely a woman.

Ha, right. OP, sounds like you have some self esteem/self worth issues. You got married to the first guy you have had a relationship with...and he's been married already once. Trouble.

OP again. I am a man.

No man complains about their wife asking for sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Well, no man cares about a weekend at a country inn, so you are definitely a woman.

Ha, right. OP, sounds like you have some self esteem/self worth issues. You got married to the first guy you have had a relationship with...and he's been married already once. Trouble.

OP again. I am a man.

No man complains about their wife asking for sex

Could be two men

[Anonymous]

Trading chores is normal otherwise one spouse ends up doing everything and becoming resentful.

The sex stuff is different specifically because you don't enjoy it. I understand and support spouses doing something that may not be their favorite because it makes their spouse happy but the offer should come from them shouldn't be transactional and not something the other spouse really hates that builds resentment too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. Not that unusual really. My DH sometimes adds to my weekly discretionary allowance if I’ve “brought him extra happiness” this week. We both know what that means.

Gross.