Marriage is transactional — is this normal?

[Anonymous]

I think you have to ask yourself certain fundamental questions:

Can you live this way for many years?

Do you like to haggle? His honesty about the transactional nature is less disturbing than the fact that he seems to set the "value" of particular favors/chores/sex acts.

Why does he get to decide that one week worth of washing dishes is equivalent to having the car serviced?

If you have kids, this tit-for-tat system will not be sustainable. You also should realize that the financial impact will be enormous, over time. I personally could not deal with the mental drain of having to constantly bargain with the person who supposedly loves me. I would also find such stinginess of spirit in a partner profoundly saddening. But perhaps you are not as sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, don’t want to be too explicit here but certain favored acts that bring me no particular pleasure but spouse enjoys tremendously in exchange for something I really want (e.g. long weekend at country inn).

Disgusting

[Anonymous]

To your question OP:

Yes, it’s unusual.

And it’s really gross. I’d get out right now. This is a huge mistake. This is not what an intimate, life partnership is about. You know this isn’t okay. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All successful couples I know have given me advice not to be this way and keeping track of this type of stuff is a recipe for disaster. The fact that your spouse is on their 2nd married at 36 (?) might be an indicator they aren’t great at marriage. Did they do any therapy after their divorce or marriage counseling during? Sometimes divorce is the fault of one person, but the majority of time it’s both people.

Spouse did do therapy after first marriage ended, yes. Prior marriage ended because of infidelity on part of spouse’s ex.

Maybe the ex cheated because your spouse is awful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes but spouse says lots of marriages are like this as was spouse’s first marriage. Quid pro quo.

My partner likes to compare us to what other couples do, or what “normal people” do. It’s not as explicit as your spouse nor does it apply to our intimate life. I don’t know that I would call it gaslighting or abuse on it own, but for me it has become a form of those things in our relationship in that I’ve stated that those things are unhelpful to hear and he continues to stand by them. So the message is that “what I think is normal and right is more important to your feelings and I’m not open to alternatives.”

Therapy would be really beneficial here, but if your DH is like mine “normal people” don’t need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yuck

Sounds like your spouse just makes explicit what is often implicit on many relationships. Yawn.

This was my first thought as well. I wish my spouse and I were this upfront about things. Think about it…if there was a chore that you didn’t like, then you can trade for something your spouse doesn’t like and be free of it forever.
Someone said that this would not be sustainable after kids, but I heartily disagree. I think it would be amazing after kids. There is a lot of give and take with little kids that require 24/7 supervision. I hated the feeling that I had to choose between being the shrew wife that wouldn’t let her husband golf with his buddies or go to happy hour or feeling lonely and kind of taken advantage of. How great would it be if he was like, “If I go golfing on Saturday, then I will do bedtime every night this week.”?

As far as the sexual stuff, I would find that kind of hot. But I have been married for fifteen years, and I’m not sure that my husband still finds anything I do in bed exciting enough to warrant a weekend away. I’m not sure that I would have liked it six months into being married. I think that’s something that you both have to be into for it to work. Otherwise, it’s just creepy.

[Anonymous]

Score keeping is no way to live.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I wouldn’t like it. Sounds exhausting and impersonal. What happens if you’re sick? What happens when the babies are tiny?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been married 12 years and that arrangement sounds awful and would be a miserable way to live. For example, I’ve been sick this week so my husband took over all house and kid duties for a few days. Now that I’m better I don’t “owe” him anything additional. I’m just trying to get back to splitting our duties as normal and have thanked him a lot for his help. He’s also away for work sometimes so I take over but he doesn’t owe me anything when he gets back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yuck

Sounds like your spouse just makes explicit what is often implicit on many relationships. Yawn.

This was my first thought as well. I wish my spouse and I were this upfront about things. Think about it…if there was a chore that you didn’t like, then you can trade for something your spouse doesn’t like and be free of it forever.
Someone said that this would not be sustainable after kids, but I heartily disagree. I think it would be amazing after kids. There is a lot of give and take with little kids that require 24/7 supervision. I hated the feeling that I had to choose between being the shrew wife that wouldn’t let her husband golf with his buddies or go to happy hour or feeling lonely and kind of taken advantage of. How great would it be if he was like, “If I go golfing on Saturday, then I will do bedtime every night this week.”?

As far as the sexual stuff, I would find that kind of hot. But I have been married for fifteen years, and I’m not sure that my husband still finds anything I do in bed exciting enough to warrant a weekend away. I’m not sure that I would have liked it six months into being married. I think that’s something that you both have to be into for it to work. Otherwise, it’s just creepy.

It’s not hot. It makes me think of that scene from Requiem for a Dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
31 and married only about 6 months, first serious relationship for me. Spouse is very transactional with me on everything. For example, spouse might say “I’ll do the dishes this week but you need to take the car in for the annual checkout.” Loves to say “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.” Is thus unusual? Feels odd especially when applied to our intimate relationship.

There are probably people out there who are fine with it. Those people may also be economists.

To me this is the opposite of marriage. Sounds like he’s completely self interested and will only do something nice for you if there’s something in it for him.

Many years ago my grandmother, who lived a great love story, told me that the secret to a happy marriage was for both partners to put each other first. I don’t always achieve it, but I aspire to it. Sounds like your husband would never consider doing something nice for you if there’s nothing in it for him.

I’m sorry, but I would find this marriage to be unbearable and a terrible mistake.

[Anonymous]

Ewww. I would happily wash my own dishes.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your spouse could be mildly on the spectrum. They’re an economist who likes to think of things numerically to make sense of the world. It’s still not cool, but this sounds like something that couples therapy could address. If they are willing to work on this issue and understand how this is not how you view the universe, then chances are good you can make a go of it, especially if you stop seeing what your partner is doing as being hostile but how they process the universe.

However, I don’t see a great outcome in the long term if it’s not addressed. Life is too short to deal with that kind of crap.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your spouse is trying to be open about household division of labor so neither of you freeloads off the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, don’t want to be too explicit here but certain favored acts that bring me no particular pleasure but spouse enjoys tremendously in exchange for something I really want (e.g. long weekend at country inn).

Why tf did you marry this guy?