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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
31 and married only about 6 months, first serious relationship for me.  Spouse is very transactional with me on everything. For example, spouse might say “I’ll do the dishes this week but you need to take the car in for the annual checkout.”  Loves to say “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.”  Is thus unusual?  Feels odd especially when applied to our intimate relationship. [/quote]

There are probably people out there who are fine with it. Those people may also be economists.

[b]To me this is the opposite of marriage. Sounds like he’s completely self interested and will only do something nice for you if there’s something in it for him.[/b]

Many years ago my grandmother, who lived a great love story, told me that the secret to a happy marriage was for both partners to put each other first. I don’t always achieve it, but I aspire to it. [b]Sounds like your husband would never consider doing something nice for you if there’s nothing in it for him.
[/b]
I’m sorry, but I would find this marriage to be unbearable and a terrible mistake.[/quote]

+1  This is the crux of the issue.  It's fine to want to keep things fair but it doesn't sound like OP's DH is aspiring to fairness.  He's setting the terms and telling her what her efforts are "worth" to him, and he also created the economy where she only gets what she needs if he gets what she wants and now he's insisting she has to participate in it.  Because that's how it's supposed to be, based on his first, failed marriage.

OP this is not a marriage.  I wouldn't stick around to see how much worse it can get.  [/quote]

New poster. I came to point out the exact passages someone else put into bold above. Thanks, PP.

To OP: There is a WORLD of difference, in a marriage, between these two things: "Would you do the dishes please? I need to finish putting away the clothes" versus "I'll put away the clothes--but only if you do the dishes."

See the difference, OP? The former is a couple just working out, quickly, how to get some things done. The latter is a "I will only do X if you do Y for me" transaction. What does your spouse do -- or not do -- if you don't "hold up your end of the deal"? Because isn't that how spouse sees everything--as a deal where you only get X if you do Y, and Y is something that either benefits spouse, or which spouse has said spouse wants from you? Does spouse drop the dish brush and walk away if you don't put those clothes away now?

The fact that spouse is this kind of "quid pro quo" transactional at ALL levels, from the very mundane to the extremely intimate (if you do a certain sex act, you get your vacation; if you don't do it -- are you really told "We aren't going to that inn because you won't do X with me"??) -- that's a very, very bad sign. You have been married less than a year. Do you really think this is never going to accelerate? That spouse will change? No. Spouse sees this as normal marriage. It absolutely is not, as many PPs have described.

I can't say it strongly enough: [i]If you are feeling now, this early in the marriage, that everything from household help to vacations must be [u]purchased from spouse with your acquiescense[/u] to what spouse wants -- that is NOT going to get better over time.[/i] "Purchased" and "your acquiesence" are the key terms here, OP. You are buying peace in your household by doing things you are told to do, and even by doing thing that make you uncomfortable sexually. That is NOT how a loving spouse, who puts you first, behaves. Please don't let your spouse normalize this in your head.

OP, what does spouse say if you bring this up? You mention that spouse says his or her previous marriage was this way -- so you've tried to talk to spouse about this? And it's gone badly, with spouse shrugging this concern off? If that's the case, and you have broached this and been sloughed off, I would make couples counseling a non-negotiable thing. Book it yourself and present it to spouse as essential if you plan to stay together. Because you don't want to wake up in 10 years' time, or even one year's time, feeling you had to buy your life with your acquiescence in everything from tiny daily details to sexual acts. JFC.

Please please do not have children with your spouse. Not unless there is serious commitment to change and the change actually happens and sticks. Your spouse will expect the same transactional relationship with any kids you have, absolutely. This might be salvageable with real work but spouse has to put in that work and make it last. I'd wager that spouse will say, "I already did therapy after my divorce, I'm done with that, I'm good," which will be your red flag that this won't change. That earlier therapy did not give spouse any self-awareness, for sure. [/quote]

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