Marriage is transactional — is this normal?

[Anonymous]

31 and married only about 6 months, first serious relationship for me. Spouse is very transactional with me on everything. For example, spouse might say “I’ll do the dishes this week but you need to take the car in for the annual checkout.” Loves to say “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.” Is thus unusual? Feels odd especially when applied to our intimate relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you give an example of how this is applied in your intimate relationship?

[Anonymous]

+1

[Anonymous]

OP here, don’t want to be too explicit here but certain favored acts that bring me no particular pleasure but spouse enjoys tremendously in exchange for something I really want (e.g. long weekend at country inn).

[Anonymous]

Yuck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yuck

Sounds like your spouse just makes explicit what is often implicit on many relationships. Yawn.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

[Anonymous]

Do you say this makes you uncomfortable when applied in certain areas of your relationship? Have you had therapy?

[Anonymous]

Yes but spouse says lots of marriages are like this as was spouse’s first marriage. Quid pro quo.

[Anonymous]

Gaslighting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gaslighting?

Don’t think so. Spouse sincerely believes in this approach. Spouse is economist by training.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Not that unusual really. My DH sometimes adds to my weekly discretionary allowance if I’ve “brought him extra happiness” this week. We both know what that means.

[Anonymous]

All successful couples I know have given me advice not to be this way and keeping track of this type of stuff is a recipe for disaster. The fact that your spouse is on their 2nd married at 36 (?) might be an indicator they aren’t great at marriage. Did they do any therapy after their divorce or marriage counseling during? Sometimes divorce is the fault of one person, but the majority of time it’s both people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All successful couples I know have given me advice not to be this way and keeping track of this type of stuff is a recipe for disaster. The fact that your spouse is on their 2nd married at 36 (?) might be an indicator they aren’t great at marriage. Did they do any therapy after their divorce or marriage counseling during? Sometimes divorce is the fault of one person, but the majority of time it’s both people.

Spouse did do therapy after first marriage ended, yes. Prior marriage ended because of infidelity on part of spouse’s ex.