Marriage is transactional — is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, don’t want to be too explicit here but certain favored acts that bring me no particular pleasure but spouse enjoys tremendously in exchange for something I really want (e.g. long weekend at country inn).

Why tf did you marry this guy?

OP - you’re going to see a lot of responses like the one above on this forum. Lots of bitter and hateful people here - don’t hang your hat on their advice. In reality, every couple finds their own groove and what works for them. What you’ve described is not uncommon but if you don’t like that just tell him not to do it again. Either way, both you and your spouse have needs and have to be able to bring them up. For better (sane?) advice I’d recommend checking out Reddit’s Relationship Advice sub.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. Not that unusual really. My DH sometimes adds to my weekly discretionary allowance if I’ve “brought him extra happiness” this week. We both know what that means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All successful couples I know have given me advice not to be this way and keeping track of this type of stuff is a recipe for disaster. The fact that your spouse is on their 2nd married at 36 (?) might be an indicator they aren’t great at marriage. Did they do any therapy after their divorce or marriage counseling during? Sometimes divorce is the fault of one person, but the majority of time it’s both people.

Spouse did do therapy after first marriage ended, yes. Prior marriage ended because of infidelity on part of spouse’s ex.

Maybe the ex cheated because your spouse is awful

If spouse is awful you go to couple’s therapist or divorce lawyer, infidelity isn’t a solution and it’s still on you, not on the awful person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All successful couples I know have given me advice not to be this way and keeping track of this type of stuff is a recipe for disaster. The fact that your spouse is on their 2nd married at 36 (?) might be an indicator they aren’t great at marriage. Did they do any therapy after their divorce or marriage counseling during? Sometimes divorce is the fault of one person, but the majority of time it’s both people.

Spouse did do therapy after first marriage ended, yes. Prior marriage ended because of infidelity on part of spouse’s ex.

Sometimes that’s not the whole story.

This^. You only hear one person’s version of the story.

[Anonymous]

Division of chores is fair but tying it to intimacy or expenses isn’t.

[Anonymous]

This is what you get for marrying someone older and with relationship baggage. They are controlling and try to fix what was wrong in their first marriage, not focusing on current spouse or current marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your spouse is trying to be open about household division of labor so neither of you freeloads off the other.

Exactly, and a lot of relationships might be better off if people were more open about it. Otherwise as kids come along, one person often feels taken advantage of for taking on most of the the work. You see it all the time on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Well, no man cares about a weekend at a country inn, so you are definitely a woman.

Ha, right. OP, sounds like you have some self esteem/self worth issues. You got married to the first guy you have had a relationship with...and he's been married already once. Trouble.

[Anonymous]

I feel mine works well mostly, but I do feel transactional. Like at one point I gained weight, but never technically even overweight by BMI, but there was hell to pay. Meanwhile his BMI is over 30 (technically obese). I do nearly all the home and kid stuff. This seems to be the deal for the female. Not unhappy - but I do think this is the patriarchy!

Our jobs are nearly equal in terms of hours, I make only a little bit less, and am 7 years younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel mine works well mostly, but I do feel transactional. Like at one point I gained weight, but never technically even overweight by BMI, but there was hell to pay. Meanwhile his BMI is over 30 (technically obese). I do nearly all the home and kid stuff. This seems to be the deal for the female. Not unhappy - but I do think this is the patriarchy!

Our jobs are nearly equal in terms of hours, I make only a little bit less, and am 7 years younger.

If there was “hell to pay” when you gained a little weight your marriage does NOT work well. Not at all.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yuck

Sounds like your spouse just makes explicit what is often implicit on many relationships. Yawn.

This was my first thought as well. I wish my spouse and I were this upfront about things. Think about it…if there was a chore that you didn’t like, then you can trade for something your spouse doesn’t like and be free of it forever.
Someone said that this would not be sustainable after kids, but I heartily disagree. I think it would be amazing after kids. There is a lot of give and take with little kids that require 24/7 supervision. I hated the feeling that I had to choose between being the shrew wife that wouldn’t let her husband golf with his buddies or go to happy hour or feeling lonely and kind of taken advantage of. How great would it be if he was like, “If I go golfing on Saturday, then I will do bedtime every night this week.”?

As far as the sexual stuff, I would find that kind of hot. But I have been married for fifteen years, and I’m not sure that my husband still finds anything I do in bed exciting enough to warrant a weekend away. I’m not sure that I would have liked it six months into being married. I think that’s something that you both have to be into for it to work. Otherwise, it’s just creepy.

It’s not hot. It makes me think of that scene from Requiem for a Dream.

Wow. I guess it depends on whether you think your husband is gross, and his being turned on creeps you out, or if you think he is sexy, and his being turned on turns you on.

No, if someone is saying you can have that thing you want if you do this sexual act *that you do not want to do* that’s pretty gross.

Okay. But they are married and presumably have joint finances. She can go get whatever it is that she wants either way. If she really wants this weekend, she can go with a girlfriend, or most likely even go with him without doing whatever this is.

If he is holding out affection or won’t allow her to leave the house for the weekend or is tightly controlling the finances unless she does what he wants, then obviously that’s abuse. And if it’s not okay with both partners, then it’s not okay. But if both people are in on it and have a loving relationship, I can see how it could be kind of fun.

[Anonymous]

Agree, OP, this does not seem healthy or balanced. Partnership is not about giving exactly 50% -- it should be more flexible. When I'm having a heavy week at work, DH will do more than 50%, and vice versa when his back is hurting, he has important meetings, etc.

[Anonymous]

Yuck. This is not an economist thing. This is an issue of insecurity and control.

[Anonymous]

No this is not normal, and it’s only going to get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH more experienced in relationships? Older or younger?

Yes, 4 yrs older; second marriage for spouse (who said spouse is a DH?).

Oh stop playing your stupid games. Put it out there so you won't be offended. JFC