Struggling in longterm relationship with attraction

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I had a friend who used to live in a separate house from her husband. They needed their space. I think you might be happiest like that.

Everyone is going to wear sweatpants at home eventually. Unless you don't live together. Then they can make the special effort that keeps you interested once they are down to being their regular self.

You'd probably hate knowing they're in the bathroom taking a s**t, too, honestly - so maybe just don't spend so much time witn anyone that they're ever doing that when you're at the house

I do think for many of us we get the frisson OR we get the comfort and stability. Sounds like you're longing for more of the former. So, maybe you need to take a step back. And know this about yourself for future relationships.

This is an undervalued setup in the United States and I wish that it was more normalized. I think I'd still be married if xH and I had this arrangement. NOT 'open marriage' -- rather, a monogamous committed couple that shares everything (finances, health insurance, family responsibility) except an address.

I fully recognize that this would be trickier with young children but that's not a deal killer. I could've built a 2nd small home in my backyard, for example, with a shared playset, grill and patio in between.

I know one family in DC who owns a giant rowhouse and one parent has the 2-story upstairs unit and the other has the 2-story lower unit. The only child moves between both. Again, monogamous people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.

There are two relevant questions: (1) do you stay in this relationship, and (2) why does this seem to happen in all of your relationships? Separate those questions.

1. No, don't stay. You are not going to be happy, nor is your girlfriend going to be happy being in a relationship long term with someone no longer attracted to her. I don't think you can bank on it coming back.

2. Who knows? You should try to figure this out, and the suggestion for individual therapy is a good one. It very well might be that you are picky, but also, maybe you have intimacy issues

Agree that the issues should be separated out. I don't think I have intimacy issues. I am deeply bonded to her. It's literally a physical thing. I find other women much more attractive and it makes me sad that I'm not really really excited to be with her physically. The other aspects of our relationship are strong.

But sometimes the lack of attraction is an intimacy issue. It prevents you from taking relationships to the next step of long term commitment. Put another way, assuming that you were attracted to her at the beginning of your relationship, and assuming she has not changed all that much during your relationship, why do you think the attraction is gone? It could be that what has changed is the expectations of commitment going forward, and that that is what is killing your attraction.

In any event, the first question is the relevant one now. And it sounds like you should break up.

What has changed is the level of effort she puts in sexually and appearance wise. She thinks "comfortable" in a relationship means less effort. I tend to try and remain as close to the person I was when we both started dating. I think that difference early on helped paper over a less than 10/10 attraction.

But doesn’t everyone do that?

I notice married women who get married and soon adopt very short hair styles which are much easier to care for; especially when we lived in Europe for a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.

There are two relevant questions: (1) do you stay in this relationship, and (2) why does this seem to happen in all of your relationships? Separate those questions.

1. No, don't stay. You are not going to be happy, nor is your girlfriend going to be happy being in a relationship long term with someone no longer attracted to her. I don't think you can bank on it coming back.

2. Who knows? You should try to figure this out, and the suggestion for individual therapy is a good one. It very well might be that you are picky, but also, maybe you have intimacy issues

Agree that the issues should be separated out. I don't think I have intimacy issues. I am deeply bonded to her. It's literally a physical thing. I find other women much more attractive and it makes me sad that I'm not really really excited to be with her physically. The other aspects of our relationship are strong.

But sometimes the lack of attraction is an intimacy issue. It prevents you from taking relationships to the next step of long term commitment. Put another way, assuming that you were attracted to her at the beginning of your relationship, and assuming she has not changed all that much during your relationship, why do you think the attraction is gone? It could be that what has changed is the expectations of commitment going forward, and that that is what is killing your attraction.

In any event, the first question is the relevant one now. And it sounds like you should break up.

What has changed is the level of effort she puts in sexually and appearance wise. She thinks "comfortable" in a relationship means less effort. I tend to try and remain as close to the person I was when we both started dating. I think that difference early on helped paper over a less than 10/10 attraction.

But doesn’t everyone do that?

I notice married women who get married and soon adopt very short hair styles which are much easier to care for; especially when we lived in Europe for a few years.

The thing is OP doesn't do that. He never relaxes, he is always striving to be better and put forward his "best self." MOST people relax, trust the relationship and show their true selves, not their "best selves" He should find someone who agrees that you should only show your "best self" to anyone.

Frankly, I think our job is to show up as our true self in order to get the most out of our lives and time here, but OP doesn't, so he should find someone who agrees.

[Anonymous]

Lol the horror!!! Sweatpants!!! Oh god what a disgusting reprehensible being!

Do her a favor and breakup with her, you can sleep with the flavor of the month for the rest of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.

There are two relevant questions: (1) do you stay in this relationship, and (2) why does this seem to happen in all of your relationships? Separate those questions.

1. No, don't stay. You are not going to be happy, nor is your girlfriend going to be happy being in a relationship long term with someone no longer attracted to her. I don't think you can bank on it coming back.

2. Who knows? You should try to figure this out, and the suggestion for individual therapy is a good one. It very well might be that you are picky, but also, maybe you have intimacy issues

Agree that the issues should be separated out. I don't think I have intimacy issues. I am deeply bonded to her. It's literally a physical thing. I find other women much more attractive and it makes me sad that I'm not really really excited to be with her physically. The other aspects of our relationship are strong.

NP guy: Your idea of a relationship appears to be very superficial. I don’t think you’re bonded to her based on your comments. It seems like you’re the one who can’t sustain a long term relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, when you are sick, or exhausted, or it’s 11:30 pm on a December night and you’re watching Netflix or whatever, what are you wearing to be comfortable? It can’t be the case that you don’t own a pair of soft lounge pants, is it?

[Anonymous]

With just a little bit of effort with my clothes, hair and makeup I get a great deal of attention from my husband and I really like it. Sure, I’ll wear yoga pants and a tee shirt at times if I’m going for a walk or to the gym but I don’t sit around in sweat pants. I’m no different now then when we were dating 30 years ago so there was no false advertising. Given we have sex about twice a week the attraction must still be working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stability is boring. Why can't the Millennials handle stability in their relationships?

OP here. You're clearly not reading the thread. Stability is what I want! The stability of what was displayed as the package offered when we met. Frequent uninhibited sex, an effort in appearance, in working out to look the best one can, in being well read and conversational, etc. That was what is always "marketed" during the dating phase but then suddenly a year later its like an evolution where "comfort" and "love" mean a lack of trying and effort. What's the point if we're not (all of us) getting a little better each and every day?

This is unrealistic. The effort that any person makes when meeting a new significant other and getting to know him/her cannot be sustained for the rest of their life. It's not possible. Your attributing it to "marketing" is a little mean, I think, because it's not marketing, it's a normal human response to the excitement of a new, intriguing partner. Novelty and initial attraction inevitably fade (and it usually happens around the 3-year mark) but hopefully by then the relationship has deepened into a strong, long-term connection. You seem not able to handle that transition, which happens in all relationships. Why is that?

One solution is you get married at the 1-2 year mark, before the attraction fades. Then you find ways to sustain and build a spark within marriage.

[Anonymous]

This is an undervalued setup in the United States and I wish that it was more normalized. I think I'd still be married if xH and I had this arrangement. NOT 'open marriage' -- rather, a monogamous committed couple that shares everything (finances, health insurance, family responsibility) except an address.

I fully recognize that this would be trickier with young children but that's not a deal killer. I could've built a 2nd small home in my backyard, for example, with a shared playset, grill and patio in between.

I know one family in DC who owns a giant rowhouse and one parent has the 2-story upstairs unit and the other has the 2-story lower unit. The only child moves between both. Again, monogamous people

This would only work for low libido couples, or one or both of them being gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I called myself a half-stepper because I am a long-time SAHM who could be doing so much more. DH does not mind. He considers me a full-stepper in what matters most to him: caring for our family: but objectively speaking, I am no Kamala Harris by DCUM standards. OP is not willing to settle. He should not ruin his own or her life by doing so.

PP, you sound perfectly fine - great actually - and what OP needs to understand is that the vast majority of people are not going to be able to satisfy his every need. OP should be asking what he brings to the table for his gf. A relationship is a two way street. Maybe OP has annoying traits too, like having unrealistic expectations, but his gf is willing to overlook those shortcomings for the greater good of the relationship.

Also OP, it is true in any close relationship you will be exposed to people having to use the bathroom, getting sick or having bad days. If you aren’t able to tolerate basic humanity you will always be disappointed in any close relationship you have.

OP here. I never said anything close to this (about the bathroom of tending to a sick partner). Of course those are things I do and would want to have in any relationship. There's a huge difference between being there for our partners on their down days and having reasonable expectations around these examples you bring up and someone living in sweat pants and rarely making an effort on grooming, styling, etc.

My big issue is that she made that effort for the first 6 months to 1 year of the relationship. But now that we're in a serious committed long-term relationship I become the bad guy when I ask her where my original girlfriend went. FWIW, I'd rather my partner be direct with me if I were engaged in some longterm slacking after committment set in. If I gain weight or am not being motivated in some aspect of life I'd rather my partner talk to me about it and jump start me. But it feels like every woman I end up dating starts out bringing her A game then settles into a gentleman's C by year 1.

A pattern! Every woman starts out great then ends up being a disappointment. OP, have you ever heard of the pattern “idealize-devalue-discard”? You don’t sound extreme, but the pattern of idealizing these women then becoming quite disappointed in all of them is telling. Newsflash - everyone is very excited at the start of a new relationship. If your gf felt she needed to jump through tons of hoops to please you she might have done that for several months. But if that is not a comfortable level of sacrifice for her then it is not sustainable. Are you quite intense in the beginning of a relationship? It’s not that easy to sustain that pace while holding down a job and a regular life. Again, having realistic expectations is probably key here.

But no woman I've ever dated says that I changed later on. They all agreed they let up and I kept bringing the same effort on a consistent basis. I feel like the one who changes is the one who should answer here. I've even asked: am I doing anything or not doing anything that you loved about me early on and now you wish I did. It's always crickets.

It doesn't really matter, though, does it? It sounds like every woman you pick becomes more "comfortable," puts less effort into her appearance, and disappoints you. If it has happened a lot, either you pick poorly (women who are not a good choices for you), or your expectations are unrealistic. From what you've written, I'd guess the latter, but maybe it's the former. In any case, it would probably be worth doing some therapy to figure out what is going on, if you do want a long-term relationship.

[Anonymous]

You OP are Rob from "High Fidelity." Both the book and the movie are good. You should check those out. There's a whole bit about lacy underwear vs cotton.

I change into comfortable clothes as soon as I walk into the door of my house. My husband is still into me after 17 years. It can happen.

[Anonymous]

OP, firstly you need to enroll into a re-education camp for men to learn how not to view women as sex objects or objects to satisfy your other needs and how to relate to them as human beings and how to connect to them. That change in your thinking should help you build deep attraction based not on how good this woman- object look or present herself but something more meaningful that you unfortunately are not capable of even at the ripe old age of 38. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I had a friend who used to live in a separate house from her husband. They needed their space. I think you might be happiest like that.

Everyone is going to wear sweatpants at home eventually. Unless you don't live together. Then they can make the special effort that keeps you interested once they are down to being their regular self.

You'd probably hate knowing they're in the bathroom taking a s**t, too, honestly - so maybe just don't spend so much time witn anyone that they're ever doing that when you're at the house

I do think for many of us we get the frisson OR we get the comfort and stability. Sounds like you're longing for more of the former. So, maybe you need to take a step back. And know this about yourself for future relationships.

This is an undervalued setup in the United States and I wish that it was more normalized. I think I'd still be married if xH and I had this arrangement. NOT 'open marriage' -- rather, a monogamous committed couple that shares everything (finances, health insurance, family responsibility) except an address.

I fully recognize that this would be trickier with young children but that's not a deal killer. I could've built a 2nd small home in my backyard, for example, with a shared playset, grill and patio in between.

I know one family in DC who owns a giant rowhouse and one parent has the 2-story upstairs unit and the other has the 2-story lower unit. The only child moves between both. Again, monogamous people.

I am the PP and my friend and her husband weren't in a monogamous relationship - they had access to "strange," as my friend put it. But I think it could work for a monogamous relationship, too.

[Anonymous]

You should shallow, immature and to have bad values. If SHE was writing, I would say to break up with YOU.

Look, women are not going to wear stiletto heels and a push up bra for decades, just to ensure that you can get a hard on.

You would think that by your age you would have figured out that when choosing a LIFE PARTNER, you might have higher things on your list than their aiblity to make your head turn.

But hey, you do you...and let her move on to someone who deserves her.

[Anonymous]

If you said that she went from being pleasant and thoughtful to unkind and vengeful, we’d be on to something. But sweatpants as false marketing? C’mon OP.