Struggling in longterm relationship with attraction

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stability is boring. Why can't the Millennials handle stability in their relationships?

OP here. You're clearly not reading the thread. Stability is what I want! The stability of what was displayed as the package offered when we met. Frequent uninhibited sex, an effort in appearance, in working out to look the best one can, in being well read and conversational, etc. That was what is always "marketed" during the dating phase but then suddenly a year later its like an evolution where "comfort" and "love" mean a lack of trying and effort. What's the point if we're not (all of us) getting a little better each and every day?

This happens with everyone dude. So set her free but just be aware it's YOU not your partner with the problem

I don’t even think it is a problem, just that he has different expectations from what she is comfortable with in a LTR. He should be clear with her though when he breaks up that he is still searching for something and they just aren’t a full match. She will be a match with someone, just not him.

[Anonymous]

Move to Georgia. Lots of women there that like to keep up the effort.

[Anonymous]

Guarantee its a madonna whore thing. OP, in your mind, sex is with slutty women and you marry a nice down to earth nurturer. Thats why when you get serious you see them this way. Leads to a lot of cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.

There are two relevant questions: (1) do you stay in this relationship, and (2) why does this seem to happen in all of your relationships? Separate those questions.

1. No, don't stay. You are not going to be happy, nor is your girlfriend going to be happy being in a relationship long term with someone no longer attracted to her. I don't think you can bank on it coming back.

2. Who knows? You should try to figure this out, and the suggestion for individual therapy is a good one. It very well might be that you are picky, but also, maybe you have intimacy issues

Agree that the issues should be separated out. I don't think I have intimacy issues. I am deeply bonded to her. It's literally a physical thing. I find other women much more attractive and it makes me sad that I'm not really really excited to be with her physically. The other aspects of our relationship are strong.

But sometimes the lack of attraction is an intimacy issue. It prevents you from taking relationships to the next step of long term commitment. Put another way, assuming that you were attracted to her at the beginning of your relationship, and assuming she has not changed all that much during your relationship, why do you think the attraction is gone? It could be that what has changed is the expectations of commitment going forward, and that that is what is killing your attraction.

In any event, the first question is the relevant one now. And it sounds like you should break up.

What has changed is the level of effort she puts in sexually and appearance wise. She thinks "comfortable" in a relationship means less effort. I tend to try and remain as close to the person I was when we both started dating. I think that difference early on helped paper over a less than 10/10 attraction.

It’s worth it to tell her you miss how hot she used to look when she wore x,y,z or did her hair in a,b,c way.

Yes she might be hurt initially but she may well take it to heart and make a change. It’s not unreasonable for someone to want the person they are with to continue an effort in the appearance department. And I am a woman saying this, fwiw.

[Anonymous]

OP don’t you dare settle for this level of attraction so early on in your relationship. Can you imagine in another 10 years. Yikes. And btw I’m a wife of 10 years and I NEVER wear sweatpants! I always dress sexy and wear a little makeup to keep my DH attracted to me. You can find a woman who cares how she looks and wants to keep your interest. I don’t buy the I’m gonna wear sweatpants and look like a slob after I’ve snagged a man attitude.

[Anonymous]

OP you are being delusional and immature regarding the sex issue. Maybe you haven’t had enough LONG TERM relationships but the chances you find a girl who is a freak in the bedroom past the 2 or 3 yr mark are slim to none. I literally have never met a female who loved having sex after years together. Women love having sex but only with new partners.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of high maintenance women out there who would never imagine lounging around in sweatpants and no makeup. You just have to find one. I have a friend who even goes to the beach in full makeup and heels!

Totally writing this in sweatpants and no makeup though (no bait and switch with my husband, I was never into dressing up or makeup and he married me anyway.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are being delusional and immature regarding the sex issue. Maybe you haven’t had enough LONG TERM relationships but the chances you find a girl who is a freak in the bedroom past the 2 or 3 yr mark are slim to none. I literally have never met a female who loved having sex after years together. Women love having sex but only with new partners.

Meh. I think this depends on the woman and the relationship. I’m still into my husband, it’s been 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are being delusional and immature regarding the sex issue. Maybe you haven’t had enough LONG TERM relationships but the chances you find a girl who is a freak in the bedroom past the 2 or 3 yr mark are slim to none. I literally have never met a female who loved having sex after years together. Women love having sex but only with new partners.

Meh. I think this depends on the woman and the relationship. I’m still into my husband, it’s been 15 years.

+1- though we have had a low spot, but that rebounded and is now better than ever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don’t get married until you’ve dated someone for at least 3 years, have exactly what you want, and also don’t have kids. If you have kids, your wife will need to change from what she was before she had kids and therefore you will feel unsatisfied again. Wanting people stay the same all the time in a relationship isn’t natural. You have particular needs in a relationship and so get to know yourself and make sure you communicate your needs early and often in a relationship.

Agree with this. I am the same after 27 yrs. Fit, lean and attractive. Also chosen childfree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP don’t you dare settle for this level of attraction so early on in your relationship. Can you imagine in another 10 years. Yikes. And btw I’m a wife of 10 years and I NEVER wear sweatpants! I always dress sexy and wear a little makeup to keep my DH attracted to me. You can find a woman who cares how she looks and wants to keep your interest. I don’t buy the I’m gonna wear sweatpants and look like a slob after I’ve snagged a man attitude.

You sound insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of high maintenance women out there who would never imagine lounging around in sweatpants and no makeup. You just have to find one. I have a friend who even goes to the beach in full makeup and heels!

Totally writing this in sweatpants and no makeup though (no bait and switch with my husband, I was never into dressing up or makeup and he married me anyway.)

OP, fasten your seatbelt, find one of those ladies who goes to the beach in full makeup and heels, then let us know how you and your bank account are doing at the one year mark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what happened. Some of it, I'm sure, is normal. I know that the "sizzle" fades over time (we've been together 3 years), but if I'm only getting that "head turning" feeling toward my girlfriend 1 in 25 days that bothers me a lot. In the beginning of the relationship I wouldn't say I had instant 10/10 attraction to her either. But because she was so enthusiastic sexually AND we got along really well in the personality and overall compatibility department, I fell for her. But over time as she's lost interest in sex to a more natural baseline and gotten more "comfortable" (i.e., sweatpants at home on a regular basis) the formula that worked to keep up the attraction in the first 6 months or so is gone. Bottom line is I feel terrible but my head doesn't turn for her anymore and I feel guilty about it and sad.

On the one hand if we break up won't this possibly happen again with someone else?

On the other hand it seems worse to live this way.

If I do break up with her, what is the most gentle way to do it? I don't want to be an @ss. I do love this woman and I do not want to hurt her. But I don't want to live a lie. And I don't want to try and "change" her or make her feel inadequate.

So it sounds like you don’t think she;s that hot, but she compensated with “enthusiastic” “uninhibited sex” and dressing to the nines. That’s not going to continue forever.

OP, what happens when you date a woman you ARE attracted to initially? Are these woman in your league?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guarantee its a madonna whore thing. OP, in your mind, sex is with slutty women and you marry a nice down to earth nurturer. Thats why when you get serious you see them this way. Leads to a lot of cheating.

This. I have seen this with practically all of the men I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guarantee its a madonna whore thing. OP, in your mind, sex is with slutty women and you marry a nice down to earth nurturer. Thats why when you get serious you see them this way. Leads to a lot of cheating.

This. I have seen this with practically all of the men I know.

This doesn't sound at all like OPs issue.