Struggling in longterm relationship with attraction

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure what happened. Some of it, I'm sure, is normal. I know that the "sizzle" fades over time (we've been together 3 years), but if I'm only getting that "head turning" feeling toward my girlfriend 1 in 25 days that bothers me a lot. In the beginning of the relationship I wouldn't say I had instant 10/10 attraction to her either. But because she was so enthusiastic sexually AND we got along really well in the personality and overall compatibility department, I fell for her. But over time as she's lost interest in sex to a more natural baseline and gotten more "comfortable" (i.e., sweatpants at home on a regular basis) the formula that worked to keep up the attraction in the first 6 months or so is gone. Bottom line is I feel terrible but my head doesn't turn for her anymore and I feel guilty about it and sad.

On the one hand if we break up won't this possibly happen again with someone else?

On the other hand it seems worse to live this way.

If I do break up with her, what is the most gentle way to do it? I don't want to be an @ss. I do love this woman and I do not want to hurt her. But I don't want to live a lie. And I don't want to try and "change" her or make her feel inadequate.

[Anonymous]

She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.

Go to individual therapy. You sound like my ex-wife that ended up having serial affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what happened. Some of it, I'm sure, is normal. I know that the "sizzle" fades over time (we've been together 3 years), but if I'm only getting that "head turning" feeling toward my girlfriend 1 in 25 days that bothers me a lot. In the beginning of the relationship I wouldn't say I had instant 10/10 attraction to her either. But because she was so enthusiastic sexually AND we got along really well in the personality and overall compatibility department, I fell for her. But over time as she's lost interest in sex to a more natural baseline and gotten more "comfortable" (i.e., sweatpants at home on a regular basis) the formula that worked to keep up the attraction in the first 6 months or so is gone. Bottom line is I feel terrible but my head doesn't turn for her anymore and I feel guilty about it and sad.

On the one hand if we break up won't this possibly happen again with someone else?

On the other hand it seems worse to live this way.

If I do break up with her, what is the most gentle way to do it? I don't want to be an @ss. I do love this woman and I do not want to hurt her. But I don't want to live a lie. And I don't want to try and "change" her or make her feel inadequate.

Yes, this could happen with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.

There are two relevant questions: (1) do you stay in this relationship, and (2) why does this seem to happen in all of your relationships? Separate those questions.

1. No, don't stay. You are not going to be happy, nor is your girlfriend going to be happy being in a relationship long term with someone no longer attracted to her. I don't think you can bank on it coming back.

2. Who knows? You should try to figure this out, and the suggestion for individual therapy is a good one. It very well might be that you are picky, but also, maybe you have intimacy issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.

There are two relevant questions: (1) do you stay in this relationship, and (2) why does this seem to happen in all of your relationships? Separate those questions.

1. No, don't stay. You are not going to be happy, nor is your girlfriend going to be happy being in a relationship long term with someone no longer attracted to her. I don't think you can bank on it coming back.

2. Who knows? You should try to figure this out, and the suggestion for individual therapy is a good one. It very well might be that you are picky, but also, maybe you have intimacy issues

Agree that the issues should be separated out. I don't think I have intimacy issues. I am deeply bonded to her. It's literally a physical thing. I find other women much more attractive and it makes me sad that I'm not really really excited to be with her physically. The other aspects of our relationship are strong.

[Anonymous]

How would you like her to handle this issue if the places were reversed? Answer and I will give you some more thoughts

[Anonymous]

Yes, you need to break up with her and yes, you need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.

There are two relevant questions: (1) do you stay in this relationship, and (2) why does this seem to happen in all of your relationships? Separate those questions.

1. No, don't stay. You are not going to be happy, nor is your girlfriend going to be happy being in a relationship long term with someone no longer attracted to her. I don't think you can bank on it coming back.

2. Who knows? You should try to figure this out, and the suggestion for individual therapy is a good one. It very well might be that you are picky, but also, maybe you have intimacy issues

Agree that the issues should be separated out. I don't think I have intimacy issues. I am deeply bonded to her. It's literally a physical thing. I find other women much more attractive and it makes me sad that I'm not really really excited to be with her physically. The other aspects of our relationship are strong.

But sometimes the lack of attraction is an intimacy issue. It prevents you from taking relationships to the next step of long term commitment. Put another way, assuming that you were attracted to her at the beginning of your relationship, and assuming she has not changed all that much during your relationship, why do you think the attraction is gone? It could be that what has changed is the expectations of commitment going forward, and that that is what is killing your attraction.

In any event, the first question is the relevant one now. And it sounds like you should break up.

[Anonymous]

I actually believe you can find the woman who will keep you extremely sexually excited for years but there will be a price to pay. The kind of person who focuses on optimizing her physical attractiveness is less likely to invest as much effort in other parts of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.

There are two relevant questions: (1) do you stay in this relationship, and (2) why does this seem to happen in all of your relationships? Separate those questions.

1. No, don't stay. You are not going to be happy, nor is your girlfriend going to be happy being in a relationship long term with someone no longer attracted to her. I don't think you can bank on it coming back.

2. Who knows? You should try to figure this out, and the suggestion for individual therapy is a good one. It very well might be that you are picky, but also, maybe you have intimacy issues

Agree that the issues should be separated out. I don't think I have intimacy issues. I am deeply bonded to her. It's literally a physical thing. I find other women much more attractive and it makes me sad that I'm not really really excited to be with her physically. The other aspects of our relationship are strong.

But sometimes the lack of attraction is an intimacy issue. It prevents you from taking relationships to the next step of long term commitment. Put another way, assuming that you were attracted to her at the beginning of your relationship, and assuming she has not changed all that much during your relationship, why do you think the attraction is gone? It could be that what has changed is the expectations of commitment going forward, and that that is what is killing your attraction.

In any event, the first question is the relevant one now. And it sounds like you should break up.

What has changed is the level of effort she puts in sexually and appearance wise. She thinks "comfortable" in a relationship means less effort. I tend to try and remain as close to the person I was when we both started dating. I think that difference early on helped paper over a less than 10/10 attraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually believe you can find the woman who will keep you extremely sexually excited for years but there will be a price to pay. The kind of person who focuses on optimizing her physical attractiveness is less likely to invest as much effort in other parts of the relationship.

So you're basically saying you can't get compatibility and sexual chemistry to be sustained with one person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.

There are two relevant questions: (1) do you stay in this relationship, and (2) why does this seem to happen in all of your relationships? Separate those questions.

1. No, don't stay. You are not going to be happy, nor is your girlfriend going to be happy being in a relationship long term with someone no longer attracted to her. I don't think you can bank on it coming back.

2. Who knows? You should try to figure this out, and the suggestion for individual therapy is a good one. It very well might be that you are picky, but also, maybe you have intimacy issues

Agree that the issues should be separated out. I don't think I have intimacy issues. I am deeply bonded to her. It's literally a physical thing. I find other women much more attractive and it makes me sad that I'm not really really excited to be with her physically. The other aspects of our relationship are strong.

You sound like a guy I dated. Didn't matter how great the woman was, he got bored physically after a few months. We broke up. He is now in an open relationship, but is not the primary and that isn't working for him, either. Would you be open to that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually believe you can find the woman who will keep you extremely sexually excited for years but there will be a price to pay. The kind of person who focuses on optimizing her physical attractiveness is less likely to invest as much effort in other parts of the relationship.

So you're basically saying you can't get compatibility and sexual chemistry to be sustained with one person?

I am not saying that. Some people -- think Kamala Harris -- are driven to excel in whatever they do. When it's time for intimacy, you know she is pulling out La Perla just as she guns for the top professionally. OP has clearly chosen someone who is not like this. He has chosen someone like me, a half-stepper. I put a lot of myself into remaining alluring but am a dud, professionally speaking. The unicorns like KH can have their pick. Is OP willing to step up to that level because this type of woman is not as understanding as we half-steppers tend to be. She knows she is rare and expects only the best.