Reply to Struggling in longterm relationship with attraction

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.[/quote]

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.[/quote]

There are two relevant questions: (1) do you stay in this relationship, and (2) why does this seem to happen in all of your relationships? Separate those questions.

1. No, don't stay. You are not going to be happy, nor is your girlfriend going to be happy being in a relationship long term with someone no longer attracted to her. I don't think you can bank on it coming back.

2. Who knows? You should try to figure this out, and the suggestion for individual therapy is a good one. It very well might be that you are picky, but also, maybe you have intimacy issues [/quote]

Agree that the issues should be separated out. I don't think I have intimacy issues. I am deeply bonded to her. It's literally a physical thing. I find other women much more attractive and it makes me sad that I'm not really really excited to be with her physically. The other aspects of our relationship are strong.[/quote]

But sometimes the lack of attraction is an intimacy issue. It prevents you from taking relationships to the next step of long term commitment. Put another way, assuming that you were attracted to her at the beginning of your relationship, and assuming she has not changed all that much during your relationship, why do you think the attraction is gone? It could be that what has changed is the expectations of commitment going forward, and that that is what is killing your attraction.

In any event, the first question is the relevant one now. And it sounds like you should break up.[/quote]

What has changed is the level of effort she puts in sexually and appearance wise. She thinks "comfortable" in a relationship means less effort. I tend to try and remain as close to the person I was when we both started dating. I think that difference early on helped paper over a less than 10/10 attraction. [/quote]

But doesn’t everyone do that?

I notice married women who get married and soon adopt very short hair styles which are much easier to care for; especially when we lived in Europe for a few years.[/quote]

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