Struggling in longterm relationship with attraction

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stability is boring. Why can't the Millennials handle stability in their relationships?

OP here. You're clearly not reading the thread. Stability is what I want! The stability of what was displayed as the package offered when we met. Frequent uninhibited sex, an effort in appearance, in working out to look the best one can, in being well read and conversational, etc. That was what is always "marketed" during the dating phase but then suddenly a year later its like an evolution where "comfort" and "love" mean a lack of trying and effort. What's the point if we're not (all of us) getting a little better each and every day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stability is boring. Why can't the Millennials handle stability in their relationships?

OP here. You're clearly not reading the thread. Stability is what I want! The stability of what was displayed as the package offered when we met. Frequent uninhibited sex, an effort in appearance, in working out to look the best one can, in being well read and conversational, etc. That was what is always "marketed" during the dating phase but then suddenly a year later its like an evolution where "comfort" and "love" mean a lack of trying and effort. What's the point if we're not (all of us) getting a little better each and every day?

OP- keep moving on. Honestly, there may be someone out there that “gets a little better each day.” it sounds exhausting to me, but you are the driven type, so go for it! Find a woman who agrees with you on this, there must be someone out there.
If you are open to it, you may also want to try therapy to figure out why you aren’t enough and why you need to always be better than yourself. Of course, we all want to learn about the world and our selves, but there is a difference between becoming “better” and learning how to manage and deal with different situations and being curious to learn more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stability is boring. Why can't the Millennials handle stability in their relationships?

OP here. You're clearly not reading the thread. Stability is what I want! The stability of what was displayed as the package offered when we met. Frequent uninhibited sex, an effort in appearance, in working out to look the best one can, in being well read and conversational, etc. That was what is always "marketed" during the dating phase but then suddenly a year later its like an evolution where "comfort" and "love" mean a lack of trying and effort. What's the point if we're not (all of us) getting a little better each and every day?

OP- keep moving on. Honestly, there may be someone out there that “gets a little better each day.” it sounds exhausting to me, but you are the driven type, so go for it! Find a woman who agrees with you on this, there must be someone out there.
If you are open to it, you may also want to try therapy to figure out why you aren’t enough and why you need to always be better than yourself. Of course, we all want to learn about the world and our selves, but there is a difference between becoming “better” and learning how to manage and deal with different situations and being curious to learn more.

OP here. Fine, let's walk back the standard of "getting better" each and every day. Why not retain and continue to "bring" what you advertised as who you are during the dating phase of the relationship early on? Like that makes no sense to me. It seems inauthentic. If you advertise yourself as interested in frequent uninhibited sex and that you put an effort into staying fit and your appearance more generally why would you do that for 6 months and then slowly fade that out? That seems highly unethical to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I called myself a half-stepper because I am a long-time SAHM who could be doing so much more. DH does not mind. He considers me a full-stepper in what matters most to him: caring for our family: but objectively speaking, I am no Kamala Harris by DCUM standards. OP is not willing to settle. He should not ruin his own or her life by doing so.

PP, you sound perfectly fine - great actually - and what OP needs to understand is that the vast majority of people are not going to be able to satisfy his every need. OP should be asking what he brings to the table for his gf. A relationship is a two way street. Maybe OP has annoying traits too, like having unrealistic expectations, but his gf is willing to overlook those shortcomings for the greater good of the relationship.

Also OP, it is true in any close relationship you will be exposed to people having to use the bathroom, getting sick or having bad days. If you aren’t able to tolerate basic humanity you will always be disappointed in any close relationship you have.

OP here. I never said anything close to this (about the bathroom of tending to a sick partner). Of course those are things I do and would want to have in any relationship. There's a huge difference between being there for our partners on their down days and having reasonable expectations around these examples you bring up and someone living in sweat pants and rarely making an effort on grooming, styling, etc.

My big issue is that she made that effort for the first 6 months to 1 year of the relationship. But now that we're in a serious committed long-term relationship I become the bad guy when I ask her where my original girlfriend went. FWIW, I'd rather my partner be direct with me if I were engaged in some longterm slacking after committment set in. If I gain weight or am not being motivated in some aspect of life I'd rather my partner talk to me about it and jump start me. But it feels like every woman I end up dating starts out bringing her A game then settles into a gentleman's C by year 1.

A pattern! Every woman starts out great then ends up being a disappointment. OP, have you ever heard of the pattern “idealize-devalue-discard”? You don’t sound extreme, but the pattern of idealizing these women then becoming quite disappointed in all of them is telling. Newsflash - everyone is very excited at the start of a new relationship. If your gf felt she needed to jump through tons of hoops to please you she might have done that for several months. But if that is not a comfortable level of sacrifice for her then it is not sustainable. Are you quite intense in the beginning of a relationship? It’s not that easy to sustain that pace while holding down a job and a regular life. Again, having realistic expectations is probably key here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I called myself a half-stepper because I am a long-time SAHM who could be doing so much more. DH does not mind. He considers me a full-stepper in what matters most to him: caring for our family: but objectively speaking, I am no Kamala Harris by DCUM standards. OP is not willing to settle. He should not ruin his own or her life by doing so.

PP, you sound perfectly fine - great actually - and what OP needs to understand is that the vast majority of people are not going to be able to satisfy his every need. OP should be asking what he brings to the table for his gf. A relationship is a two way street. Maybe OP has annoying traits too, like having unrealistic expectations, but his gf is willing to overlook those shortcomings for the greater good of the relationship.

Also OP, it is true in any close relationship you will be exposed to people having to use the bathroom, getting sick or having bad days. If you aren’t able to tolerate basic humanity you will always be disappointed in any close relationship you have.

OP here. I never said anything close to this (about the bathroom of tending to a sick partner). Of course those are things I do and would want to have in any relationship. There's a huge difference between being there for our partners on their down days and having reasonable expectations around these examples you bring up and someone living in sweat pants and rarely making an effort on grooming, styling, etc.

My big issue is that she made that effort for the first 6 months to 1 year of the relationship. But now that we're in a serious committed long-term relationship I become the bad guy when I ask her where my original girlfriend went. FWIW, I'd rather my partner be direct with me if I were engaged in some longterm slacking after committment set in. If I gain weight or am not being motivated in some aspect of life I'd rather my partner talk to me about it and jump start me. But it feels like every woman I end up dating starts out bringing her A game then settles into a gentleman's C by year 1.

A pattern! Every woman starts out great then ends up being a disappointment. OP, have you ever heard of the pattern “idealize-devalue-discard”? You don’t sound extreme, but the pattern of idealizing these women then becoming quite disappointed in all of them is telling. Newsflash - everyone is very excited at the start of a new relationship. If your gf felt she needed to jump through tons of hoops to please you she might have done that for several months. But if that is not a comfortable level of sacrifice for her then it is not sustainable. Are you quite intense in the beginning of a relationship? It’s not that easy to sustain that pace while holding down a job and a regular life. Again, having realistic expectations is probably key here.

But no woman I've ever dated says that I changed later on. They all agreed they let up and I kept bringing the same effort on a consistent basis. I feel like the one who changes is the one who should answer here. I've even asked: am I doing anything or not doing anything that you loved about me early on and now you wish I did. It's always crickets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I called myself a half-stepper because I am a long-time SAHM who could be doing so much more. DH does not mind. He considers me a full-stepper in what matters most to him: caring for our family: but objectively speaking, I am no Kamala Harris by DCUM standards. OP is not willing to settle. He should not ruin his own or her life by doing so.

PP, you sound perfectly fine - great actually - and what OP needs to understand is that the vast majority of people are not going to be able to satisfy his every need. OP should be asking what he brings to the table for his gf. A relationship is a two way street. Maybe OP has annoying traits too, like having unrealistic expectations, but his gf is willing to overlook those shortcomings for the greater good of the relationship.

Also OP, it is true in any close relationship you will be exposed to people having to use the bathroom, getting sick or having bad days. If you aren’t able to tolerate basic humanity you will always be disappointed in any close relationship you have.

OP here. I never said anything close to this (about the bathroom of tending to a sick partner). Of course those are things I do and would want to have in any relationship. There's a huge difference between being there for our partners on their down days and having reasonable expectations around these examples you bring up and someone living in sweat pants and rarely making an effort on grooming, styling, etc.

My big issue is that she made that effort for the first 6 months to 1 year of the relationship. But now that we're in a serious committed long-term relationship I become the bad guy when I ask her where my original girlfriend went. FWIW, I'd rather my partner be direct with me if I were engaged in some longterm slacking after committment set in. If I gain weight or am not being motivated in some aspect of life I'd rather my partner talk to me about it and jump start me. But it feels like every woman I end up dating starts out bringing her A game then settles into a gentleman's C by year 1.

A pattern! Every woman starts out great then ends up being a disappointment. OP, have you ever heard of the pattern “idealize-devalue-discard”? You don’t sound extreme, but the pattern of idealizing these women then becoming quite disappointed in all of them is telling. Newsflash - everyone is very excited at the start of a new relationship. If your gf felt she needed to jump through tons of hoops to please you she might have done that for several months. But if that is not a comfortable level of sacrifice for her then it is not sustainable. Are you quite intense in the beginning of a relationship? It’s not that easy to sustain that pace while holding down a job and a regular life. Again, having realistic expectations is probably key here.

But no woman I've ever dated says that I changed later on. They all agreed they let up and I kept bringing the same effort on a consistent basis. I feel like the one who changes is the one who should answer here. I've even asked: am I doing anything or not doing anything that you loved about me early on and now you wish I did. It's always crickets.

NP. No offense, but you’re 38. You sound incredibly high maintenance. You will not have a life partner if your criteria remain this superficial. Sorry, but life isn’t about dressing sexy and looking hot all the time. If I were your girlfriend I would move on rather than stay with someone so shallow.

[Anonymous]

They only time my spouse has seen me in sweatpants is when I was pregnant or sick. My looks are very important to me but the upkeep is costly and time consuming. I love fashion and looking put together. I also have small stuff done by my plastic surgeon.

I employee a personal trainer and nutritionist. It’s good we have money. Can you afford to pay for this?

[Anonymous]

OP, don’t get married until you’ve dated someone for at least 3 years, have exactly what you want, and also don’t have kids. If you have kids, your wife will need to change from what she was before she had kids and therefore you will feel unsatisfied again. Wanting people stay the same all the time in a relationship isn’t natural. You have particular needs in a relationship and so get to know yourself and make sure you communicate your needs early and often in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They only time my spouse has seen me in sweatpants is when I was pregnant or sick. My looks are very important to me but the upkeep is costly and time consuming. I love fashion and looking put together. I also have small stuff done by my plastic surgeon.

I employee a personal trainer and nutritionist. It’s good we have money. Can you afford to pay for this?

I offer to pay for waxing, training, have paid for training in the past but the commitment and consistency is never there

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need to be stricter about who you date from the start. You need a woman who is naturally slim and naturally pretty, not one who can clean up well or puts in effort. The effort will wane with time, so she has to look good effortlessly. The question, of course, is can you score that kind of woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need to be stricter about who you date from the start. You need a woman who is naturally slim and naturally pretty, not one who can clean up well or puts in effort. The effort will wane with time, so she has to look good effortlessly. The question, of course, is can you score that kind of woman.

This. Does OP have the looks, money, and social status for the woman he wants? Possibly not because he would not be in this situation if that were the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They only time my spouse has seen me in sweatpants is when I was pregnant or sick. My looks are very important to me but the upkeep is costly and time consuming. I love fashion and looking put together. I also have small stuff done by my plastic surgeon.

I employee a personal trainer and nutritionist. It’s good we have money. Can you afford to pay for this?

I offer to pay for waxing, training, have paid for training in the past but the commitment and consistency is never there

As long as you're good with a sahw you can find what you're looking for, as superficial as it is. Women with consuming careers will generally not have time for all that, at least not consistently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.

It's Deja vu for you. What's the difference this time? You're getting old?

My advice would be getting some therapy or soul searching on why the pattern keeps repeating itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stability is boring. Why can't the Millennials handle stability in their relationships?

OP here. You're clearly not reading the thread. Stability is what I want! The stability of what was displayed as the package offered when we met. Frequent uninhibited sex, an effort in appearance, in working out to look the best one can, in being well read and conversational, etc. That was what is always "marketed" during the dating phase but then suddenly a year later its like an evolution where "comfort" and "love" mean a lack of trying and effort. What's the point if we're not (all of us) getting a little better each and every day?

My husband and I have been together 26 years and we still workout together 6 days per week. We still stimulate each other mentally and sexually. And he is the first I turn to when I hear something exciting, sad or interesting and vice versa. Sure- I can have times when I’m lounging In pjs and no makeup but I always have kept up exercise/body shape, pedicures, grooming/shaving/waxing, hair, etc. The basics all covered. My spouse and I both have an “around the house” outfit we throw on when we want to be 100% comfortable at the end of the day.

I think you just haven’t met the one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stability is boring. Why can't the Millennials handle stability in their relationships?

OP here. You're clearly not reading the thread. Stability is what I want! The stability of what was displayed as the package offered when we met. Frequent uninhibited sex, an effort in appearance, in working out to look the best one can, in being well read and conversational, etc. That was what is always "marketed" during the dating phase but then suddenly a year later its like an evolution where "comfort" and "love" mean a lack of trying and effort. What's the point if we're not (all of us) getting a little better each and every day?

This happens with everyone dude. So set her free but just be aware it's YOU not your partner with the problem