Struggling in longterm relationship with attraction

[Anonymous]

If you have a strong bond with her, why not have a conversation about wanting to spice things up? She is probably bored with you, too, and that's why her effort level is diminished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually believe you can find the woman who will keep you extremely sexually excited for years but there will be a price to pay. The kind of person who focuses on optimizing her physical attractiveness is less likely to invest as much effort in other parts of the relationship.

So you're basically saying you can't get compatibility and sexual chemistry to be sustained with one person?

I am not saying that. Some people -- think Kamala Harris -- are driven to excel in whatever they do. When it's time for intimacy, you know she is pulling out La Perla just as she guns for the top professionally. OP has clearly chosen someone who is not like this. He has chosen someone like me, a half-stepper. I put a lot of myself into remaining alluring but am a dud, professionally speaking. The unicorns like KH can have their pick. Is OP willing to step up to that level because this type of woman is not as understanding as we half-steppers tend to be. She knows she is rare and expects only the best.

I don't get the analogy. The OP didn't say anything about his partner's success in her career. He said they are compatible but that the physical attraction has waned significantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually believe you can find the woman who will keep you extremely sexually excited for years but there will be a price to pay. The kind of person who focuses on optimizing her physical attractiveness is less likely to invest as much effort in other parts of the relationship.

So you're basically saying you can't get compatibility and sexual chemistry to be sustained with one person?

I am not saying that. Some people -- think Kamala Harris -- are driven to excel in whatever they do. When it's time for intimacy, you know she is pulling out La Perla just as she guns for the top professionally. OP has clearly chosen someone who is not like this. He has chosen someone like me, a half-stepper. I put a lot of myself into remaining alluring but am a dud, professionally speaking. The unicorns like KH can have their pick. Is OP willing to step up to that level because this type of woman is not as understanding as we half-steppers tend to be. She knows she is rare and expects only the best.

PP why are you calling yourself a dud and a half stepper? Most people are not Kamala Harris - Vice President of the United States! Most people are just - regular people. Sometimes they wear sweatpants. How old is OP? Most people are not doing ball gowns and full make up at home, particularly during a pandemic. And if you are stepping up your look - good for you! But I don’t think either the relaxed approach vs. dressed up approach needs to be a deal breaker. If OP could communicate his preferences (“I love it babe when you wear that red dress when we step out”) that might turn this ship around.

[Anonymous]

OP, honestly this is your issue that you need to resolve since this is a pattern with you.

Nevertheless, you owe your girlfriend to set her free. You aren't attracted to her and likely you won't get it back. First, break up with her now so that she can move forward with her life. Then, either go to a counselor to figure out what is your issue or as one of the pp wrote, go in to an open relationship. Don't keep your gf hanging until you figure out what you want. If you care for her, that is the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

OP - I had a friend who used to live in a separate house from her husband. They needed their space. I think you might be happiest like that.

Everyone is going to wear sweatpants at home eventually. Unless you don't live together. Then they can make the special effort that keeps you interested once they are down to being their regular self.

You'd probably hate knowing they're in the bathroom taking a s**t, too, honestly - so maybe just don't spend so much time witn anyone that they're ever doing that when you're at the house

I do think for many of us we get the frisson OR we get the comfort and stability. Sounds like you're longing for more of the former. So, maybe you need to take a step back. And know this about yourself for future relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually believe you can find the woman who will keep you extremely sexually excited for years but there will be a price to pay. The kind of person who focuses on optimizing her physical attractiveness is less likely to invest as much effort in other parts of the relationship.

So you're basically saying you can't get compatibility and sexual chemistry to be sustained with one person?

I am not saying that. Some people -- think Kamala Harris -- are driven to excel in whatever they do. When it's time for intimacy, you know she is pulling out La Perla just as she guns for the top professionally. OP has clearly chosen someone who is not like this. He has chosen someone like me, a half-stepper. I put a lot of myself into remaining alluring but am a dud, professionally speaking. The unicorns like KH can have their pick. Is OP willing to step up to that level because this type of woman is not as understanding as we half-steppers tend to be. She knows she is rare and expects only the best.

PP why are you calling yourself a dud and a half stepper? Most people are not Kamala Harris - Vice President of the United States! Most people are just - regular people. Sometimes they wear sweatpants. How old is OP? Most people are not doing ball gowns and full make up at home, particularly during a pandemic. And if you are stepping up your look - good for you! But I don’t think either the relaxed approach vs. dressed up approach needs to be a deal breaker. If OP could communicate his preferences (“I love it babe when you wear that red dress when we step out”) that might turn this ship around.

I dunno- he isn’t married to her and who wants to be with someone who feels this way about them?
I am half-stepper for sure, I just don’t want to be Type A driven, but OP is. He wants one of the women on here who wears “light makeup” and jeans on the weekend. Totally isn’t me, but he isn’t helping himself or his GF by staying with her when he has expectations.
OP- Break up with her. Many people (myself included) want to be able to wear sweats at home and you will hear from them here. BUT if that is what you want, you need to find it or you will always be ‘searching” while in a relationship instead of figuring out what you want and then perusing that.

[Anonymous]

I called myself a half-stepper because I am a long-time SAHM who could be doing so much more. DH does not mind. He considers me a full-stepper in what matters most to him: caring for our family: but objectively speaking, I am no Kamala Harris by DCUM standards. OP is not willing to settle. He should not ruin his own or her life by doing so.

[Anonymous]

Time to break up

Do not propose! This marriage would have no chance in hell if you’re already feeling this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to break up

Do not propose! This marriage would have no chance in hell if you’re already feeling this way.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to break up

Do not propose! This marriage would have no chance in hell if you’re already feeling this way.

+1

yeah, sorry this relationship sounds dead in the water. you might manage to salvage a good friendship out of it in time though. some of my exes are long term (20-30 yr) friends who would NEVER have lasted romantically. I'm a woman by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually believe you can find the woman who will keep you extremely sexually excited for years but there will be a price to pay. The kind of person who focuses on optimizing her physical attractiveness is less likely to invest as much effort in other parts of the relationship.

So you're basically saying you can't get compatibility and sexual chemistry to be sustained with one person?

I am not saying that. Some people -- think Kamala Harris -- are driven to excel in whatever they do. When it's time for intimacy, you know she is pulling out La Perla just as she guns for the top professionally. OP has clearly chosen someone who is not like this. He has chosen someone like me, a half-stepper. I put a lot of myself into remaining alluring but am a dud, professionally speaking. The unicorns like KH can have their pick. Is OP willing to step up to that level because this type of woman is not as understanding as we half-steppers tend to be. She knows she is rare and expects only the best.

PP why are you calling yourself a dud and a half stepper? Most people are not Kamala Harris - Vice President of the United States! Most people are just - regular people. Sometimes they wear sweatpants. How old is OP? Most people are not doing ball gowns and full make up at home, particularly during a pandemic. And if you are stepping up your look - good for you! But I don’t think either the relaxed approach vs. dressed up approach needs to be a deal breaker. If OP could communicate his preferences (“I love it babe when you wear that red dress when we step out”) that might turn this ship around.

Ha! My husband loves me best in yoga pants and workout top. To each their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.

But that's because it sounds like you've never had both. When you have it, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I called myself a half-stepper because I am a long-time SAHM who could be doing so much more. DH does not mind. He considers me a full-stepper in what matters most to him: caring for our family: but objectively speaking, I am no Kamala Harris by DCUM standards. OP is not willing to settle. He should not ruin his own or her life by doing so.

PP, you sound perfectly fine - great actually - and what OP needs to understand is that the vast majority of people are not going to be able to satisfy his every need. OP should be asking what he brings to the table for his gf. A relationship is a two way street. Maybe OP has annoying traits too, like having unrealistic expectations, but his gf is willing to overlook those shortcomings for the greater good of the relationship.

Also OP, it is true in any close relationship you will be exposed to people having to use the bathroom, getting sick or having bad days. If you aren’t able to tolerate basic humanity you will always be disappointed in any close relationship you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I called myself a half-stepper because I am a long-time SAHM who could be doing so much more. DH does not mind. He considers me a full-stepper in what matters most to him: caring for our family: but objectively speaking, I am no Kamala Harris by DCUM standards. OP is not willing to settle. He should not ruin his own or her life by doing so.

PP, you sound perfectly fine - great actually - and what OP needs to understand is that the vast majority of people are not going to be able to satisfy his every need. OP should be asking what he brings to the table for his gf. A relationship is a two way street. Maybe OP has annoying traits too, like having unrealistic expectations, but his gf is willing to overlook those shortcomings for the greater good of the relationship.

Also OP, it is true in any close relationship you will be exposed to people having to use the bathroom, getting sick or having bad days. If you aren’t able to tolerate basic humanity you will always be disappointed in any close relationship you have.

OP here. I never said anything close to this (about the bathroom of tending to a sick partner). Of course those are things I do and would want to have in any relationship. There's a huge difference between being there for our partners on their down days and having reasonable expectations around these examples you bring up and someone living in sweat pants and rarely making an effort on grooming, styling, etc.

My big issue is that she made that effort for the first 6 months to 1 year of the relationship. But now that we're in a serious committed long-term relationship I become the bad guy when I ask her where my original girlfriend went. FWIW, I'd rather my partner be direct with me if I were engaged in some longterm slacking after committment set in. If I gain weight or am not being motivated in some aspect of life I'd rather my partner talk to me about it and jump start me. But it feels like every woman I end up dating starts out bringing her A game then settles into a gentleman's C by year 1.

[Anonymous]

Stability is boring. Why can't the Millennials handle stability in their relationships?