Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
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Anonymous
WHAT?!? Have you read the almost 30 pages? People have literally OP she should give her daughter up for adoption. I'm not sure I'd say "most" have been supportive. Maybe half, at best. And the ones who haven't have been awful. |
Anonymous
At first DH seemed a bit more tuned in to the kid's emotional needs, but then he left w/o a goodbye. OP, you both really suck as parents. Understanding what your small child needs, a loving home, a social network with other kids and families around (you NEVER mention any socializing) and parents with some degree of emotional intelligence is where the focus should be. First she felt like you did not want to be with her, then her father left w/o a goodbye. That tiny kid is going to have a LOT of attachment issues. THAT is what you need to focus on and what you both need to fix. HIRE HELP to clean and do laundry and without THOSE dramas to distract focus on what really matters. You need a family therapist more than a marriage one. How is your family well being not the focus of your worlds? The well being of the little girl and of the family as a unit? I doubt you will do it because as an early poster pointed out, both you and DH are fundamentally selfish and inflexible people. Sometimes like calls to like. And this is not "flaming" you, it's just the reality of what it is like for a kid to grow up in the kind of home you describe. I worked hard to give my kids something better including facing some uncomfortable truths about myself and learning how to handle emotions in a healthy way. This is her father, there is no changing that now. Divorce will just give you a new set of grievances, don't you want to have some identity that is bigger? That is fun and playful and involves creating good memories as a family? Do dishtowels matter more? You BOTH suck, but you can only control you, your thought patterns, your priorities. |
Anonymous
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OP can you name a single thing the 3 of you do as a family regularly that involves laughing together?
That poor child is going to remember parents bickering over dishtowels, rebuffing her, then 2 homes where she shuttles back and forth. The rebuffing pattern may not change so she'll be on screens if not being "enriched." Profoundly lonely and will have NO IDEA how to create and maintain relationships because it was never modeled. She is likely to hate you, OP, NO ONE likes a martyr. I think DH was speaking for himself when he texted about the child feeling rejected. They likely both feel rejected by you like he felt rejected as a kid. He may have confused your endless "doing" with caring and nurture bc his mom did nothing. No one is getting emotional connection. You are so entrenched in the doing and martyr role, if you could step back from it, the whole dynamic would change within the FAMILY, that is what you have now, OP. I think you and DH are both really enmeshed in family of origin dynamics with one another. Divorce won't fix the ghosts of the past. Don't you SEE the parallels with your childhood? Lower earning DH (more unusual then), martyr mom, no sense of joy, fun, connection? Your martyr role leaves him the acting out one, you are stuck in a negative feedback & withdrawl pattern. And both of you withhold yourselves from connection with a young child. That is tragic, you are using her to score points in a sick dance. If you think you are anxious about money now just wait until there are 2 homes to support. |
Anonymous
She's supporting her family, doing the bulk of the domestic work and child care, she's an attentive parent, her husband sucks, and she's supposed to step back from doing the things that make her household work....how, exactly? There's no indication she has crazy high cleaning standards. She doesn't have the money to outsource. This is it. It'll get better somewhat as her kid gets older. And you want her to be more cheerful to her lousy husband? A lot to ask and probably won't work, because his objection is the idea that he should have to do literally anything. So unless she's prepared to take on everything with a smile on her face - which you'd just accuse her of being a martyr for anyway - things are going to be tense with him. |
Anonymous
OP is doing herself no favors here with the combativeness. What support does she actually want? Can any of us smack her husband upside the head or tell him to get with the program? She just keeps dumping more and more without acknowledging the advice she's been given or what her next steps might be. It's not clear what she wants out of this. This is the man she married she needs to either commit to making it better or leave. Complaining changes nothing. |
Anonymous
On the contrary, I thing she would personally be much happier divorced, but financially, she will be more unhappy. Worth it for me. It is not for everyone. I could not get a break until I divorced. Ex did zero until then and I worked. I literally could not get an hour off until my oldest was 7 and I started the divorce process. He admitted he would have continued to do zero childcare duties if we had stayed married (and he was the one who pushed kids…not me). I literally had not been to the gym in 7 years. When there is no respect and all that is left is resentment and contempt, it is over. We had two sexless marriage stretches (no sex at all for 2 years and later 5 years). I stayed way too long. I was dying in that marriage. Would have been wealthier if I stayed…it was not worth the money. |
Anonymous
| OP is very combative and invested in the martyr role. I suspect that is why she does not mention socializing with other couples and families, it turns people off. Dumping DH will likely make her need to shift that martyr focus elsewhere and she will likely then be a martyr to her child. Any household configuration and that poor kid is likely to get the short straw. In a way, the more energy OP invests in being a martyr, the more her DH may be locked into the pattern too. There is a lot of disconnecting from the kid for a "win" by both, it is very, very toxic. Such unhealthy people are not going to be Mr. Rogers with a change in household ime. |
Anonymous
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If OP has to pay child support to DH that will be the focus of her life until her dying day. Neither one of you had a healthy, loving, warm mother. His is cold and disengaged, yours is a martyr, just a different way to be self absorbed and controlling. Both suck for your kid.
Family therapy with a focus on giving the kid a warm loving home and a genuine willingness to do introspection and grow as a parent is the only route to her happiness, OP. Start there, focus on your kid not the dishtowels and your grievances. Be willing to examine the wounds from your own childhood and commit to a new pattern. Take your focus off your husband for now and put it on the child. You can only control yourself, your reactions, your choices. Do you have neighbors with kids? Can you socialize with daycare families? You need some better role models and to get out of your heads and the business you both use to disengage - you with chores and DH with tv or work. The way you both disengage with the kid to wind each other up is really disturbing, OP. Do better. |
Anonymous
She wants to be the righteous martyr. The way she rebuffed her kid and DH left w/o saying goodbye to the child is sickening behavior by both parents. Neither one will be a good parent after the divorce, they cannot attune to her needs over the dopamine hit of "winning." It will just find other outlets after the split or OP may continue her zealous focus on her then ex-DH. Divorce will give her endless grievances. The most striking thing besides the active harm being done to the kid in their "gotchas" is no mention of any friends, family friends, playdates, any kind of socializing, church, neighbors, etc. Eash is a little island, sometimes interacting with the 3 year old, sometimes hurting her to score points. In a way, they are perfect for one another to recreate a very sick pattern. Her need to do it all and be the big victim is matched by his withdrawing or half assing. They are locked in. But the child is the biggest loser and they have no focus on a happy home, family time, traditions, engagement with a bigger support network, etc. |
Anonymous
You’re quite the drama llama. |
Anonymous
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OP makes more work than needs to be be and doesn't actually enjoy her "me time" with extra errands meeting her martyr pattern that she learned from her mother. With no therapy and no mention of friends modeling something else she is recreating her own childhood. DH found someone who does household chores, maybe he thinks that = caring.
Toxic tense childhood for the little one. OP is putting the most energy into locking in the status quo without any insight. She married a lower earner just like her father who was dominated by her mother the martyr. OP sounds so isolated, she uses business to push away connection, even within her family. That pattern will not change with each in a separate apartment. |
Anonymous
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OP is the biggest drama llama.
I feel for her child. DH is most likely to remarry, hopefully it will be to someone warm. OP will be bitter for the rest of her life, it's her nature and she combatively defends it. No quality guy will want to be with someone like her, she will just get worse with age and with no introspection. |
Anonymous
I understand this. It’s hard to admit but I think many women want a man to provide for them. It’s why so many high earning women are married to someone making even more. There’s something so unsexy about a man whom you have to support financially. Add that with the incompetence of many men in running a home and it’s a disaster. I’m secretly resentful I’m expected to work, raise children etc. The burden of both a high earning and demanding career AND managing a household has destroyed my QOL. |
Anonymous
| OP is your DH the one who plays videogames and took your baby to the hangout with his buddies during "his" time? |
Anonymous
This is on you. F that. You get dressed for the gym and leave the house. There had to be at least one hour during your 7 years that he was home and you could have walked out the door. Where is the agency? In 2023 a grown man can’t keep a grown woman from going to the gym. That’s crazy talk. I can’t imagine getting divorced instead of just forcing him to change. Almost all men take advantage of free labor from woman unless forced to not do so. |