Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

Why didn’t her dad show her? He’s the one who brought her home from the sand pit.

Why doesn’t OP do it? She had all morning to herself and it was her shift.

Dad took the child to the activity. He shouldn’t leave messes for other people to clean up.

He didn’t, their child did, and she is just as much mom’s responsibility after the morning’s outings are over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much wrong with all of this. Get the 3 yr old to clean up her mess. She made it, not the DH. And again you want to control your husband on "his" time after he spent all morning with the daughter. He wants to relax on his time, after a week long trip, like you did on "your" time. He doesn't want to go to the park to chase a kid around. Why can't he also spend his time doing things that make him feel good?

My dd did not make the mess. Dh said he told her to not take her own shoes off bc they were full of sand. She knows how to take off her shoes and put them away. He took them off, dumped the sand on the floor and left it.
I don’t mind that db said no to the park. I was sharing it so people see that I attempt to create family outings and do things together.

I’d love to see the responses if a dh posted and said his wife dumped sand on the floor and hadn’t cleaned up the mess she made almost a day later. No onr would say/ dh, either you clean it up or accept this as one of her idiosyncrasies.

Hell no. Everyone wouid say she sounds lazy and rude.

Uhh, false, that’s exactly what would be said. Read the thread about the wife with the lazy, procrastinator steak.

You just WANT to be unhappy and angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much wrong with all of this. Get the 3 yr old to clean up her mess. She made it, not the DH. And again you want to control your husband on "his" time after he spent all morning with the daughter. He wants to relax on his time, after a week long trip, like you did on "your" time. He doesn't want to go to the park to chase a kid around. Why can't he also spend his time doing things that make him feel good?

My dd did not make the mess. Dh said he told her to not take her own shoes off bc they were full of sand. She knows how to take off her shoes and put them away. He took them off, dumped the sand on the floor and left it.
I don’t mind that db said no to the park. I was sharing it so people see that I attempt to create family outings and do things together.

I’d love to see the responses if a dh posted and said his wife dumped sand on the floor and hadn’t cleaned up the mess she made almost a day later. No onr would say/ dh, either you clean it up or accept this as one of her idiosyncrasies.

Hell no. Everyone wouid say she sounds lazy and rude.

You aren’t convincing anyone here with this, OP. She is your daughter. Teach her to clean up the messes that come from her shoes. That’s part of being a parent and it’s not just your husband’s job. That doesn’t mean your husband is always right in every situation, but in this one? You are making a power struggle out of nothing.

Like PP, I also thought it was funny you tried to include your husband on an outing that was during his free time after enjoying your solo morning!

Agree completely. With all this tit for tat you’re acting like your in a divorced situation anyways; might as well just do it

[Anonymous]

This thread is interesting...the topic of chore-sharing is a tale as old as time on DCUM but it doesn't typically go on for 40 pages. I'm trying to figure out if the cardinal sin OP is committing in the eyes of some PPs is not capitulating that she should do it all, not coming back with positive points about her H (she may not having any right now), or not sending dispatches from an attorney's office where she's already filed.

Maybe she's thinking things over, as most sane people would. But the vitriol is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

Why didn’t her dad show her? He’s the one who brought her home from the sand pit.

Why doesn’t OP do it? She had all morning to herself and it was her shift.

Dad took the child to the activity. He shouldn’t leave messes for other people to clean up.

Oh well. So the sand sits while OP seethes. Her husband is probably getting a kick out of it.

It already seems established that he’s an a$$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

Why didn’t her dad show her? He’s the one who brought her home from the sand pit.

Why doesn’t OP do it? She had all morning to herself and it was her shift.

Dad took the child to the activity. He shouldn’t leave messes for other people to clean up.

Oh well. So the sand sits while OP seethes. Her husband is probably getting a kick out of it.

I thought this too. They are really locked in on both sides. OP, you need to get more clear on if you want to stay married or not. If you do, at least for now, I think sidestepping a lot of these small things, teaching the 3 year old how to help with chores, etc is the way to go. Think of it like a game where you win by there not being a power struggle, avoiding the dynamic.

OP, for this one, I'd teach your DD to use a small broom and dust pan like they do in Montessori. She will like feeling big. Obviously she can't be relied on for many tasks but this one, yes. Can you carve out an hour or 2 a week where the 3 of you clean together? Play fun music, etc.

Did you guys do anything as a family today, have a meal together, etc? I could see if he was tired a far away outing might not have appealed. Keep trying, ask what he might enjoy the 3 of your doing? Find a sitter or join a babysitting co-op and go out as a couple alone or with friends twice a month. People who lose that connection and fall into resentment are way more likely to split. If you don't want to, or want it to be your choice, start getting deposits put in the positive side of the ledger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sprinkle a few grains of sand in his side of the bed as a reminder.

I am not sure they share a bed at this point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is interesting...the topic of chore-sharing is a tale as old as time on DCUM but it doesn't typically go on for 40 pages. I'm trying to figure out if the cardinal sin OP is committing in the eyes of some PPs is not capitulating that she should do it all, not coming back with positive points about her H (she may not having any right now), or not sending dispatches from an attorney's office where she's already filed.

Maybe she's thinking things over, as most sane people would. But the vitriol is weird.

I think it's internalized misogyny. How dare she not capitulate.

That said, I've commented multiple times (and been told my posts were helpful, even by OP) and I do think she needs to swallow some of her ego here. Not because she's a woman or her husband deserves it, or because I enjoy yelling at strangers online, but because she's standing in the way of peace in her own home. She will benefit just as much as her husband and daughter if she can figure out how to lay down the sword here. I don't want to see someone unhappy and not able to figure out a way out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get some of what OP is saying, although I don’t think the sand is a big deal. But I’ll just say this…..

You and your husband are not your child’s servant/entertainers. The child splits her weekend day being intensively played with my mom or dad. Nothing is expected of her such as learning to use a broom. She doesn’t ever play be herself?

If you keep up with that you will always be exhausted and fuming over some sand.

It is not only ok but highly desirable that children stay home with both parents and entertain themselves without screens while the adults do chores and perhaps even read a book or have a conversation.

I fell into this trap with my oldest who is almost a teen (with some special needs) and I regret it.

+1 A decent chunk of my weekend with my child OP's kid's age is her playing by herself while we are also around watching sports, cooking, having a beer on the porch, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much wrong with all of this. Get the 3 yr old to clean up her mess. She made it, not the DH. And again you want to control your husband on "his" time after he spent all morning with the daughter. He wants to relax on his time, after a week long trip, like you did on "your" time. He doesn't want to go to the park to chase a kid around. Why can't he also spend his time doing things that make him feel good?

My dd did not make the mess. Dh said he told her to not take her own shoes off bc they were full of sand. She knows how to take off her shoes and put them away. He took them off, dumped the sand on the floor and left it.
I don’t mind that db said no to the park. I was sharing it so people see that I attempt to create family outings and do things together.

I’d love to see the responses if a dh posted and said his wife dumped sand on the floor and hadn’t cleaned up the mess she made almost a day later. No onr would say/ dh, either you clean it up or accept this as one of her idiosyncrasies.

Hell no. Everyone wouid say she sounds lazy and rude.

You aren’t convincing anyone here with this, OP. She is your daughter. Teach her to clean up the messes that come from her shoes. That’s part of being a parent and it’s not just your husband’s job. That doesn’t mean your husband is always right in every situation, but in this one? You are making a power struggle out of nothing.

Like PP, I also thought it was funny you tried to include your husband on an outing that was during his free time after enjoying your solo morning!

Agree completely. With all this tit for tat you’re acting like your in a divorced situation anyways; might as well just do it

NP. With my husband, give him an inch and he’ll take a mile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

Why didn’t her dad show her? He’s the one who brought her home from the sand pit.

Why doesn’t OP do it? She had all morning to herself and it was her shift.

Dad took the child to the activity. He shouldn’t leave messes for other people to clean up.

Oh well. So the sand sits while OP seethes. Her husband is probably getting a kick out of it.

I thought this too. They are really locked in on both sides. OP, you need to get more clear on if you want to stay married or not. If you do, at least for now, I think sidestepping a lot of these small things, teaching the 3 year old how to help with chores, etc is the way to go. Think of it like a game where you win by there not being a power struggle, avoiding the dynamic.

OP, for this one, I'd teach your DD to use a small broom and dust pan like they do in Montessori. She will like feeling big. Obviously she can't be relied on for many tasks but this one, yes. Can you carve out an hour or 2 a week where the 3 of you clean together? Play fun music, etc.

Did you guys do anything as a family today, have a meal together, etc? I could see if he was tired a far away outing might not have appealed. Keep trying, ask what he might enjoy the 3 of your doing? Find a sitter or join a babysitting co-op and go out as a couple alone or with friends twice a month. People who lose that connection and fall into resentment are way more likely to split. If you don't want to, or want it to be your choice, start getting deposits put in the positive side of the ledger.

Totally agtee with the teaching of the little ones to clean up. But why does OP have to do it? Why cant the other parent and partner use the moment when there already is a mess to clean up to teach the 3 year old how to do it.

[Anonymous]

Op here. He did eventually clean up the sand. I asked if he wanted to go see a family-friendly concert together next weekend. I’m trying to make deposits and cultivate shared positive time.

I am trying to smile and find positive things to dwell on.

A part of me longs for the vibe, space, and just overall feeling I had last week while he was gone. My energy and mood were totally different. I didn’t feel on edge. This home felt calm, clean, peaceful. I’m really trying to “not sweat the small stuff” and come from a place of gratitude. I swear I am. But it’s hard. I’m jsut being honest. Last night he ordered take out dinner for himself, and himself alone. I guess he was craving a specific place. I guess the food was good because he went to bed and left the plate on the counter, with food and crumbs everywhere, counter and floor. It never ends. I said to him this morning “I cleaned it up last night, but please put food away and wipe up food spills.” Him: “what food? Didn’t realize I left anything out”

It’s exhausting. He has always been messy but it’s been taken up a notch in the last few years. Legitimately does not clean up after himself. It’s gross and thoughtless and I’m not a maid.

I want peace in my home and I know that starts with me. Does that really mean laughing off these things as eccentricities and choosing to sweep it all under the rug?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

Why didn’t her dad show her? He’s the one who brought her home from the sand pit.

Why doesn’t OP do it? She had all morning to herself and it was her shift.

Dad took the child to the activity. He shouldn’t leave messes for other people to clean up.

Oh well. So the sand sits while OP seethes. Her husband is probably getting a kick out of it.

I thought this too. They are really locked in on both sides. OP, you need to get more clear on if you want to stay married or not. If you do, at least for now, I think sidestepping a lot of these small things, teaching the 3 year old how to help with chores, etc is the way to go. Think of it like a game where you win by there not being a power struggle, avoiding the dynamic.

OP, for this one, I'd teach your DD to use a small broom and dust pan like they do in Montessori. She will like feeling big. Obviously she can't be relied on for many tasks but this one, yes. Can you carve out an hour or 2 a week where the 3 of you clean together? Play fun music, etc.

Did you guys do anything as a family today, have a meal together, etc? I could see if he was tired a far away outing might not have appealed. Keep trying, ask what he might enjoy the 3 of your doing? Find a sitter or join a babysitting co-op and go out as a couple alone or with friends twice a month. People who lose that connection and fall into resentment are way more likely to split. If you don't want to, or want it to be your choice, start getting deposits put in the positive side of the ledger.

Totally agtee with the teaching of the little ones to clean up. But why does OP have to do it? Why cant the other parent and partner use the moment when there already is a mess to clean up to teach the 3 year old how to do it.

Why does anyone have to do anything? Why even have kids if you can't do what's best for them without your ego getting in the way? It takes about 10 seconds to clean the mess up. OP has been seething for days about it. The onus falls on the person who is bothered more about it. In this case it's OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

Why didn’t her dad show her? He’s the one who brought her home from the sand pit.

Why doesn’t OP do it? She had all morning to herself and it was her shift.

Dad took the child to the activity. He shouldn’t leave messes for other people to clean up.

Oh well. So the sand sits while OP seethes. Her husband is probably getting a kick out of it.

I thought this too. They are really locked in on both sides. OP, you need to get more clear on if you want to stay married or not. If you do, at least for now, I think sidestepping a lot of these small things, teaching the 3 year old how to help with chores, etc is the way to go. Think of it like a game where you win by there not being a power struggle, avoiding the dynamic.

OP, for this one, I'd teach your DD to use a small broom and dust pan like they do in Montessori. She will like feeling big. Obviously she can't be relied on for many tasks but this one, yes. Can you carve out an hour or 2 a week where the 3 of you clean together? Play fun music, etc.

Did you guys do anything as a family today, have a meal together, etc? I could see if he was tired a far away outing might not have appealed. Keep trying, ask what he might enjoy the 3 of your doing? Find a sitter or join a babysitting co-op and go out as a couple alone or with friends twice a month. People who lose that connection and fall into resentment are way more likely to split. If you don't want to, or want it to be your choice, start getting deposits put in the positive side of the ledger.

Totally agtee with the teaching of the little ones to clean up. But why does OP have to do it? Why cant the other parent and partner use the moment when there already is a mess to clean up to teach the 3 year old how to do it.

Why does anyone have to do anything? Why even have kids if you can't do what's best for them without your ego getting in the way? It takes about 10 seconds to clean the mess up. OP has been seething for days about it. The onus falls on the person who is bothered more about it. In this case it's OP.

WOW!!! So by this logic, if one person is ok living in a hovel with flies buzzing around dirty dishes etc then the onus is on the bothered partner to clean up?? Let’s say I have a baby in diapers. I’m not bothered by an overflowing diaper pail. So I don’t ever have to take out the trash? Just leave it to my partner??

[Anonymous]

I hate the mentality that the lazy one wins by default.
I Hate making the bed but DH has stated it is important to him it's made each day. So the last person out of bed makes the bed.
It's important to me that the sink not be full of dishes. He couldn't care less. We've made a pact that dishes are put into the dishwasher at lunch and after dinner each day. Take turns doing it.
I couldn't imagine living in a situation where if something bothered me, but not him, he'd be like f*** it. Who cares.