Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

[Anonymous]

I feel sad for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

When do you guys spend time together as a family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad for your daughter.

Not me. I love that OP is setting such a great example for her daughter. Her daughter can’t appreciate that yet, but hopefully she will. I agree with you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When do you guys spend time together as a family?

Not OP, but we have always split weekends as well, in a similar way. There is Sundays and some evenings to spend time together as a family.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter deserves better parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When do you guys spend time together as a family?

Sunday, during the week.

It’s one day.

[Anonymous]

My wife and I had arguments like this, sometimes in front of our resilient and lovely 6 year old. We became ashamed of ourselves. Even when we were "right" but chose to model shitty, ungracious behavior toward our "wrong" spouse.

(and, yes, you're right in this instance (as you describe it), and your husband can much better communicate if he needs a change to the normal plan, and ask that of you but needs to recognize it ought to be in advance and ask as a favor, etc. etc. But both of you, as you described it, ought not ensnare your kid in that. Work on that, for your daughter).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad for your daughter.

+1

Where is the love as a family unit? They are functioning as if she's a chore. I am all for self care and personal time, but no need to be so rigid.

[Anonymous]

Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.

I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.

[Anonymous]

I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

Sounds like you both have built up a huge amount of resentment. This is not about him needing a nap and you refusing to help him.

That being said, in a healthy relationship he would have given you a heads up "DW, I'm beat and mentally exhausted, do you mind putting Larla down this time?" and you helping out your partner and hoping he'd do the same in a similar situation would say "Sure, np. I still need to do XYZ so when you're feeling better can you tag back in for a bit?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.

I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.

You can’t imagine parents agreeing to have a couple of hours to themselves each week (obviously not at the same time as a game) and one parent insisting that the other stick to the arrangement they made? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad for your daughter.

+1

Where is the love as a family unit? They are functioning as if she's a chore. I am all for self care and personal time, but no need to be so rigid.

This. It’s sad.

[Anonymous]

Don’t have more kids.

alternatively, you could have said, ok if you are really tired I will do lunch and nap and the you ca do dinner and bedtime. Does that sound good and would you rather do lunch and nap as planned?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.

I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.

You can’t imagine parents agreeing to have a couple of hours to themselves each week (obviously not at the same time as a game) and one parent insisting that the other stick to the arrangement they made? Really?

DP, no I cannot imagine being that rigid for the gym and a shower just because it was "MY 4 HOURS!". If my agreed to personal time was being disrespected on a regular basis, then we would have a discussion. I wouldn't be so rigid though, I'd give him the grace that I want in return. Life happens, especially as you have more kids and it becomes more complicated.