Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that you have to set clear expectations and boundaries with a spouse who doesn’t proactively parent and would leave the work to you unless you said something.

There is a lot of pressure for women to pick up the slack and take on more work at home to keep the peace. It’s entirely fair to request an even distribution of labor at home and to not want to be taken advantage of.

Also, I don’t think real concerns over consistent inequalities with division of labor should be reduced to “tantrums” or “bean counting”. Flexibility is so important but both partners need to be offering it and it shouldn’t result in one partner continuously taking on the bulk of the work. That’s a pattern of behavior and it only leads to resentment and frustration

Op here. This. He doesn’t proactively parent. Or proactively do things around the house. If I don’t ask him to do things, he’s satisfied to sit and either catch up on work or watch tv. Then he grumbles or half asses the task.

Recent example/ I asked him to please put away the dish towels as I folded laundry. He put them on top of
The stove. Not in the drawer next to the stove. Jsut on top of the stove. Go ahead and flame me All you want but the weaponized incompetence and “I’ll don’t best she will do the rest” attitude is GRATING. It makes me feel taken advantage of and used. And that he feels his time is so much more important that he can’t be bothered. I wanted a partner out of marriage. Not an intern waiting for assignments. At least an intern would do things more than half assed.

Please get marriage therapy or your intense focus on details will kill you and his inabilty to focus on details will kill him.

If you've already tried therapy and want to dismiss the idea "because it didn't work," either try again or admit you are both failures are being married because your expections and his expectations are so ill-matched and because you both communicate horribly. And you both are focused on minutiae and keeping score and both have to be right, right, right.

Find a new couples therapist and commit to therapy (and to letting the towels thing just GO) if you want to stay married. I don't actually know why you married each other in the first place. Did you ever love each other? Why do your score-keeping parenting and household chores destroy whatever positives you saw in each other?

I don’t disagree with any of this. It’s hard to not keep score and “bean count” when I look around and can’t figure out what he contributes to make life run easier smoother etc. I don’t see what positives he adds to my life, much of the time. I don’t need him for finances, and it’s not like he is leading the charge re parenting or the home. It’s hard to think of wiping the slate clean.

I was busting my ass working saving money while pregnant and he refused to get out there and try to make more money. I am so resentful for that. I begged him to take a non passion project job to pad our accounts for preparation for baby. I felt like I was thinking about what was best for us and our growing family, and he was only thinking about him. That still feels true today. I don’t know how to just wipe that resentment away. Especially when it keeps Manifesting in different forms

Do you….like him as a person? Look forward to seeing him? Like talking to him? Enjoy having sex with him? Generally like hanging out with him….?

[Anonymous]

Honestly a separation really could help you both reset one way or another!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can your MIL handle your DD solo for a few hours every weekend? That way, you and DH both get solo time at once, and the rest of the weekend you spend together as a family? I agree solo time is important, but when both parents work FT, there is not a lot of quality time during the week, so weekends are precious.

I also don’t think your solo time should be spent on home organization or grocery shopping or working. Do the errands together, the three of you. And keep weekends free of work (or alternatively designate 3 weeknights to keep free of work). Spend your solo time in r&r mode.

I said the same as above. Look around the grocery store and Target on a Saturday morning, it's all kids with their parents. Why waste your time alone doing what could be done with the kid. My kids all loved going to Target, by the way. And do grocery delivery. Order school crap from Amazon. This doesn't have to be as hard as OP is making it out to be. But she really seems to want to maximize the victimhood. Her precious Saturday morning time is being squandered this way.

So let dad take over the shopping and child errands and take his daughter shopping with him. Done.

Sure why not. But op probably realizes she already gets the better shift maybe she thought it was the right thing to do. The morning person has a longer day. There are other ways to get the chores done so it’s weird that op wastes her “me” time doing them. Get the groceries delivered, Amazon, but she is a glutton for punishment and takes the hard road. None of this makes a lot of sense.

I agree and wonder if this is a troll? If not it is really sad, for all 3 of them.

OP, your anger will not vanish when you file for divorce, I don't think. I don't think the current situation is sustainable, one or both of you is an affair waiting to happen but I think the same feelings will be there even after the split. You said you think so too.

Can you table the issues re: your obligations and try to go back in your history to find some of the roots of the rage and some of the patterns that are being replicated? Maybe journal or find a support group or a CBT or DBT therapist that will help you regulate some of your reactivity? Maybe a meditation practice and a book like Wherever You Go, There You Are?

There have been a few questions about your childhood experiences but your posts are just about DH and everyday obligations and chores. What makes you feel connected to yourself and others? What gives you joy? When do you laugh? You seem to have a very Calvinist approach to life yet it makes you miserable, yet you do not adopt other common approaches. It's a bit confusing. If you did outsource so the "burdens" would be gone, what would your identity be? Where would the anxiety focus then? If there was a cleaning service, a weekend babysitter, Amazon and grocery delivery? Are there any times that you are not "achieving" - cleaning, running errands that are optional, exercising, enriching kid, etc? What did you and DH do for dates before you were married?

You did not mention friends, family traditions, time with neighbors, etc. Chores, $ and power struggles seems to occupy so much of your sense of self and your time, when you could outsource and are financially stable. Did your family have issues around money? You mention DH losing one job, common, but now you don't trust him to be employed? There is a lot of anxiety around a lot of issues, a lot of time alone ruminating, all of that stokes the anger. But, if God forbid, DH's plane crashed, would you still rage about having to keep the house afloat financially and carry the insurance? Most of us take those things for granted, the weight and resentment you put on them speak to core wounds. Cutting DH loose is not going to resolve any of that, you need to do that introspection and processing.

Dh asked for the morning shift.

I come from supportive parents, who are still married. My dad was definitely involved and very caring, hands on. My mom was also extremely hands on, and very much a martyr. Interestingly, my mom out earned my dad their entitled marriage.

I love to read, travel, I try occasionally to get to a sat am Zumba type class, and I take my dd often to diff museums and parks during our solo time.

When dh is not here, I often feel more alive. I without question feel a peace and calm come over me. From his energy to literally not picking up after him- I feel like a better version of myself. And that’s a lot to type out but I am being honest.

Read Codependent No More.

Get to counseling and hold him accountable to some chores, let the rest go. You need to learn to mentally detach. You have taken on the martyr role you saw modeled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

+1. Toddler bedtime objectively SUCKS, too. And I have a unicorn kid who has always been an amazing sleeper and easy to put down.
You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?

Are you being deliberately stupid? the DH left FOR A WEEK without saying goodbye to his DD. The OP told her DH to honor their agreement for a couple of hours. In NO WAY is this the same thing.

Idiot.

DP. But the schedule has OP in charge of bed time on Saturdays. That's the way they set it up. I think it's weird but it is what it is. So I think you're being a bit hypocritical about how one spouse should follow the rules to a T but then also bend them in the same day.

That's the part that made me most sad. Bedtime is sometimes the best part of the day. Clean from the bath. In warm PJs. Mom & Dad in bed reading the book together to the kid. It's so warm and loving. I get that sometimes one parent has to miss it because of work or other commitments, but to alternate bedtime because you don't want to do it just feels sad.

It's one of the most intimate and loving daily "ceremonies" we have with our kids.

Omg some of you are such drama queens. DH and I go through periods where one or the other of us is busy with work or whatever, so the one with more free time at the moment does bedtime alone. NBD. Stop acting like other people’s situations are “sad” just bc they don’t fit your mold. I am sure I would find 10,000 things about your life “sad” too!

[Anonymous]

This marriage is definitely on the express train to divorce. This isn’t just about the dividing up the childcare, there are a lot of other underlying resentments and issues coming through.

I was team OP’s husband when she wrote the initial post because she sounds so controlling and inflexible. The 30 or so pages of this thread has revealed that there’s so much to the story. She has lost respect for the man she married and she is resentful of his laziness and expectations that half-*ss work is good enough. Once she recognized that he values his time as more important than hers (like not finishing a simple task such as putting away the kitchen towels) it’s the beginning of the end.

OP I divorced mine. I had one of those too. I think subconsciously he realized if he didn’t finish a task I would, so he would increasingly leave things for me to finish up and over the years would contribute less and less. When it got to the point that I had lost all respect for him and frankly didn’t need him around for anything I got divorced. Since I was doing everything anyway I only noticed his absence in less laundry and less mess around the house. Once the spouse becomes like a child it’s time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that you have to set clear expectations and boundaries with a spouse who doesn’t proactively parent and would leave the work to you unless you said something.

There is a lot of pressure for women to pick up the slack and take on more work at home to keep the peace. It’s entirely fair to request an even distribution of labor at home and to not want to be taken advantage of.

Also, I don’t think real concerns over consistent inequalities with division of labor should be reduced to “tantrums” or “bean counting”. Flexibility is so important but both partners need to be offering it and it shouldn’t result in one partner continuously taking on the bulk of the work. That’s a pattern of behavior and it only leads to resentment and frustration

Op here. This. He doesn’t proactively parent. Or proactively do things around the house. If I don’t ask him to do things, he’s satisfied to sit and either catch up on work or watch tv. Then he grumbles or half asses the task.

Recent example/ I asked him to please put away the dish towels as I folded laundry. He put them on top of
The stove. Not in the drawer next to the stove. Jsut on top of the stove. Go ahead and flame me All you want but the weaponized incompetence and “I’ll don’t best she will do the rest” attitude is GRATING. It makes me feel taken advantage of and used. And that he feels his time is so much more important that he can’t be bothered. I wanted a partner out of marriage. Not an intern waiting for assignments. At least an intern would do things more than half assed.

Please get marriage therapy or your intense focus on details will kill you and his inabilty to focus on details will kill him.

If you've already tried therapy and want to dismiss the idea "because it didn't work," either try again or admit you are both failures are being married because your expections and his expectations are so ill-matched and because you both communicate horribly. And you both are focused on minutiae and keeping score and both have to be right, right, right.

Find a new couples therapist and commit to therapy (and to letting the towels thing just GO) if you want to stay married. I don't actually know why you married each other in the first place. Did you ever love each other? Why do your score-keeping parenting and household chores destroy whatever positives you saw in each other?

I don’t disagree with any of this. It’s hard to not keep score and “bean count” when I look around and can’t figure out what he contributes to make life run easier smoother etc. I don’t see what positives he adds to my life, much of the time. I don’t need him for finances, and it’s not like he is leading the charge re parenting or the home. It’s hard to think of wiping the slate clean.

I was busting my ass working saving money while pregnant and he refused to get out there and try to make more money. I am so resentful for that. I begged him to take a non passion project job to pad our accounts for preparation for baby. I felt like I was thinking about what was best for us and our growing family, and he was only thinking about him. That still feels true today. I don’t know how to just wipe that resentment away. Especially when it keeps Manifesting in different forms

DP. So did you call around for couples’ therapists today? AKA take the advice many people have given you on this thread? Or are you still venting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The amount of deflection on this thread makes my head spin. She's not mad that he makes less. She's mad that he's makes less *and*:

- does less around the house and
- does less childcare and
- lets her pick up his slack and finally
- sends ragey texts that she doesn't love her kid

Mess less money, or do less around the house, but not both.

- Single mom who does it all so I know exactly what's involved with doing both

This and also, plenty of professional women have higher earning spouses.

I think the more realistic thing is that he is only so competent at work (and therefore low earning) and is similarly incompetent at home, bc he’s all around just not that competent. Expects to be loved for who he is not what he can do, which is not much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you and your husband have a sex life? Have you had sex since the 3 year old was born?

Is he a lawyer too?

Were you a SAHM when he lost his job?

Divorce looks really likely for you guys. Unless you get therapy I'm not sure you will be less angry and resentful of an ex-DH.

OP, what was your childhood like? How was your rx with your dad? Do you have issues with authority figures at work? It just feels like there is so much anger and unhappiness and disconnection and resentment. Maybe some patterns are being recreated?

I have never not worked. He made more than me after law school, but I’ve always worked.
Definitely have huge resentment surrounding his period of unemployment. He decided to pursue a passion project after being laid off they takes twice as much time and makes 1/3 of his prior salary. We are not wealthy. If we had more money I would outsource more things like cleaning babysitters for date night etc. I have asked him for years to consider (even apply) for higher paying jobs. He will not. And before I get flamed again, NO I’m not going to be the one to go run for a higher paying job bc I carry the benefits and I need to make sure we are stable.

Your focus on being "flamed" here is striking since most have been supportive. You seem very locked into a victim mentality even though the reality is different.

How can you be a lawyer and not have a high paying job? Are you a fed? Is he a lawyer too? If he got laid off from BigLaw how could he possibly be doing work now that requires MORE time?

Your life sounds absolutely tragic for your child, ngl, so much tension and passive aggressiveness and the dynamic just seems toxic.

[Anonymous]

Use those benefits and find a Gottman therapist. Best thing you can do for your daughter is learn to have a workable marriage and model that and learn to create a happy family.

This honestly is one of the saddest threads I've read here and I've been around for years.

You CHOSE to have a child with this man and this is the life you are giving her? You use the word "stable" a lot, there is nothing stable about her family or childhood. It is rife with tension and is not sustainable. One or both of you will stray, develop a drinking problem, etc. Do you have any couple friends that you socialize with that can model something healthier?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that you have to set clear expectations and boundaries with a spouse who doesn’t proactively parent and would leave the work to you unless you said something.

There is a lot of pressure for women to pick up the slack and take on more work at home to keep the peace. It’s entirely fair to request an even distribution of labor at home and to not want to be taken advantage of.

Also, I don’t think real concerns over consistent inequalities with division of labor should be reduced to “tantrums” or “bean counting”. Flexibility is so important but both partners need to be offering it and it shouldn’t result in one partner continuously taking on the bulk of the work. That’s a pattern of behavior and it only leads to resentment and frustration

Op here. This. He doesn’t proactively parent. Or proactively do things around the house. If I don’t ask him to do things, he’s satisfied to sit and either catch up on work or watch tv. Then he grumbles or half asses the task.

Recent example/ I asked him to please put away the dish towels as I folded laundry. He put them on top of
The stove. Not in the drawer next to the stove. Jsut on top of the stove. Go ahead and flame me All you want but the weaponized incompetence and “I’ll don’t best she will do the rest” attitude is GRATING. It makes me feel taken advantage of and used. And that he feels his time is so much more important that he can’t be bothered. I wanted a partner out of marriage. Not an intern waiting for assignments. At least an intern would do things more than half assed.

Please get marriage therapy or your intense focus on details will kill you and his inabilty to focus on details will kill him.

If you've already tried therapy and want to dismiss the idea "because it didn't work," either try again or admit you are both failures are being married because your expections and his expectations are so ill-matched and because you both communicate horribly. And you both are focused on minutiae and keeping score and both have to be right, right, right.

Find a new couples therapist and commit to therapy (and to letting the towels thing just GO) if you want to stay married. I don't actually know why you married each other in the first place. Did you ever love each other? Why do your score-keeping parenting and household chores destroy whatever positives you saw in each other?

I don’t disagree with any of this. It’s hard to not keep score and “bean count” when I look around and can’t figure out what he contributes to make life run easier smoother etc. I don’t see what positives he adds to my life, much of the time. I don’t need him for finances, and it’s not like he is leading the charge re parenting or the home. It’s hard to think of wiping the slate clean.

I was busting my ass working saving money while pregnant and he refused to get out there and try to make more money. I am so resentful for that. I begged him to take a non passion project job to pad our accounts for preparation for baby. I felt like I was thinking about what was best for us and our growing family, and he was only thinking about him. That still feels true today. I don’t know how to just wipe that resentment away. Especially when it keeps Manifesting in different forms

Do you….like him as a person? Look forward to seeing him? Like talking to him? Enjoy having sex with him? Generally like hanging out with him….?

This, above. I get ZERO sense that she ever did love him, even when they first married. I'm baffled at how OP has vented for 30 pages and drawn in many questions and much advice and yet we have no idea if she even likes any aspect of her husband as a person, or ever has, much less whether she loves him and wants the best for him and for the marriage. Instead we have seething, stewing resentments that started out as being about one day's issue of who would fix their child's lunch and handle a nap...and morphed into "I resent the period he wasn't working, I've asked him to get a higher-paying job, he half-a$$es putting away the kitchen towels." All are irritants, for sure. But there seems to be no undercurrent of her having any affection for him now and I wonder if she ever did.

They both need intensive marriage counseling but I fear she, at least, would not commit to actually working on the marriage at this point because she would see that, or any compromise on her part, as admitting she's wrong.

And before someone comes along to say, well, HE sounds awful and unproductive etc. -- Yes, that may be, but we only know her feelings and vents, so that's what I'm talking about. I truly wonder if on his side, he thinks thinks are basically fine as they are, despite her saying she tells him X, Y and Z all the time. If X, Y and Z are chore lists, that's not actual communication about the big picture.

And...we still don't know if she likes or loves, or ever has liked or loved, him, and why income and lifestyle and chores and score-keeping child care are overriding any actual love between them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read all pages of this but per the original post Saturday AM was mom alone time and he did take DD and came back “around noon.” Which seems like the exact agreed upon transition time. Don’t understand what the issue is but clearly a dysfunctional relationship here. Poor kid.

This has been covered approximately 500 times already, but just to recap, “noon” is irrelevant. Their standing agreement is that he has the child in the morning, through lunch and until she’s out down for a nap, then mom takes over when the child wakes up from her nap. You’re welcome.

Yes, but the bigger issue is that the very system they have agreed to is one of a dysfunctional family and designed to fail. This outcome was inevitable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce

+1

DH didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal. OP is a high maintenance drama queen who acts like spending time with her daughter is like scrubbing toilets.

DH didn’t want to spend that time with his daughter either after passing her off to his mom all morning. Yet you only bash the OP.

But OP was mad at what he didn't do on her time. He didn't even kiss her goodnight! It cuts both ways. She didn't tuck her kid in for nap either, or fix her lunch, or want to spend time before getting the daughter handed off on her time. The kid wants both her parents involved not just one or the other. Instead she has these two yahoos playing hot potato.

There’s a huge difference between lunch and a goodnight kiss. No one really loves to make lunch for their kid—we do it because we have to. But a goodnight kiss? I want to kiss my kids goodnight, and miss it terribly when I’m traveling. The fact that he doesn’t want to…well, it says something about his relationship to his child.

That's what I think about a mother who shoos her kid away and tells her she will see her after the nap. Poor kid to end up with these two parents. Peas in a pod.

But she has a parent who will make her lunch. Anyone can make a kid lunch. Lunch isn’t a kiss. Mom’s kiss isn’t the same as Dad’s kiss.

Oh stop it. Both people can be wrong here. Dad may be slightly more wrong but neither look good. And the kiss stuff is just ick. No need to go there.

I have no idea what you mean by the kiss stuff being “ick.” Are you reading something sexual into this? If so, you’re the pervert, not me. What a disgusting person you are.

Go on then weirdo, tell us why mom's kiss is better than dad's kiss?

If you actually read for comprehension, you would see that I said mom’s kiss and dad’s kiss aren’t the same. Like, you can’t just substitute one or the other—you need both. Whereas who TF cares who makes the tuna fish sandwich. It’s just a sandwich, it’s not a personal expression of love.

Disagree. At that age, time and proximity is what they want - those are acts of love. Choosing not to see your kid until 3pm+ each Saturday is not an act of love.

+100. That poor child.

Fast forward 30 years and OP will be wondering why her dear daughter never calls or visits

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that you have to set clear expectations and boundaries with a spouse who doesn’t proactively parent and would leave the work to you unless you said something.

There is a lot of pressure for women to pick up the slack and take on more work at home to keep the peace. It’s entirely fair to request an even distribution of labor at home and to not want to be taken advantage of.

Also, I don’t think real concerns over consistent inequalities with division of labor should be reduced to “tantrums” or “bean counting”. Flexibility is so important but both partners need to be offering it and it shouldn’t result in one partner continuously taking on the bulk of the work. That’s a pattern of behavior and it only leads to resentment and frustration

Op here. This. He doesn’t proactively parent. Or proactively do things around the house. If I don’t ask him to do things, he’s satisfied to sit and either catch up on work or watch tv. Then he grumbles or half asses the task.

Recent example/ I asked him to please put away the dish towels as I folded laundry. He put them on top of
The stove. Not in the drawer next to the stove. Jsut on top of the stove. Go ahead and flame me All you want but the weaponized incompetence and “I’ll don’t best she will do the rest” attitude is GRATING. It makes me feel taken advantage of and used. And that he feels his time is so much more important that he can’t be bothered. I wanted a partner out of marriage. Not an intern waiting for assignments. At least an intern would do things more than half assed.

Please get marriage therapy or your intense focus on details will kill you and his inabilty to focus on details will kill him.

If you've already tried therapy and want to dismiss the idea "because it didn't work," either try again or admit you are both failures are being married because your expections and his expectations are so ill-matched and because you both communicate horribly. And you both are focused on minutiae and keeping score and both have to be right, right, right.

Find a new couples therapist and commit to therapy (and to letting the towels thing just GO) if you want to stay married. I don't actually know why you married each other in the first place. Did you ever love each other? Why do your score-keeping parenting and household chores destroy whatever positives you saw in each other?

I don’t disagree with any of this. It’s hard to not keep score and “bean count” when I look around and can’t figure out what he contributes to make life run easier smoother etc. I don’t see what positives he adds to my life, much of the time. I don’t need him for finances, and it’s not like he is leading the charge re parenting or the home. It’s hard to think of wiping the slate clean.

I was busting my ass working saving money while pregnant and he refused to get out there and try to make more money. I am so resentful for that. I begged him to take a non passion project job to pad our accounts for preparation for baby. I felt like I was thinking about what was best for us and our growing family, and he was only thinking about him. That still feels true today. I don’t know how to just wipe that resentment away. Especially when it keeps Manifesting in different forms

I understand why you feel resentful. You are in a partnership where you carry a lot more of the burden.

BUT . . . you're the one drinking the poison of that resentment. This is one of those situations where you need to change the things you can and then accept the things you can't change or choose not to change. Basically your choices are:

a) maintain the status quo, where you feel resentment and are unhappy
b) learn to focus on the positives and accept your husband's shortcomings
c) decide there's too little good/too much bad and divorce

You're stuck in A, which is the worst option of the 3. Move on to considering B and C.

Some people get stuck being martyrs. They seem to be fueled by the (avoidable, often self-inflicted) injustice they find themselves in. Who are they if they're not complaining about someone who did them wrong? I think if you spent some time in therapy or even just serious self-reflection, you'd come to understand what you get out of being a martyr.

You're clearly a very successful person, and I think you can draw on that to take ownership of your choices. If you're going to stay married, then you can stew in resentment and negativity, or not. It's an actual choice that you have. The injustice of not having a better spouse is not going to change (though I suspect if you got out of this negative cycle, you'd find that your perspective of him would improve and his contributions might as well). It's unfair, it's not what you expected or deserve, etc etc. But it is your reality. And choosing resentment over acceptance or divorce is harming you most of all. I hope you'll find a way to stop drinking that poison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can your MIL handle your DD solo for a few hours every weekend? That way, you and DH both get solo time at once, and the rest of the weekend you spend together as a family? I agree solo time is important, but when both parents work FT, there is not a lot of quality time during the week, so weekends are precious.

I also don’t think your solo time should be spent on home organization or grocery shopping or working. Do the errands together, the three of you. And keep weekends free of work (or alternatively designate 3 weeknights to keep free of work). Spend your solo time in r&r mode.

I said the same as above. Look around the grocery store and Target on a Saturday morning, it's all kids with their parents. Why waste your time alone doing what could be done with the kid. My kids all loved going to Target, by the way. And do grocery delivery. Order school crap from Amazon. This doesn't have to be as hard as OP is making it out to be. But she really seems to want to maximize the victimhood. Her precious Saturday morning time is being squandered this way.

So let dad take over the shopping and child errands and take his daughter shopping with him. Done.

Sure why not. But op probably realizes she already gets the better shift maybe she thought it was the right thing to do. The morning person has a longer day. There are other ways to get the chores done so it’s weird that op wastes her “me” time doing them. Get the groceries delivered, Amazon, but she is a glutton for punishment and takes the hard road. None of this makes a lot of sense.

I agree and wonder if this is a troll? If not it is really sad, for all 3 of them.

OP, your anger will not vanish when you file for divorce, I don't think. I don't think the current situation is sustainable, one or both of you is an affair waiting to happen but I think the same feelings will be there even after the split. You said you think so too.

Can you table the issues re: your obligations and try to go back in your history to find some of the roots of the rage and some of the patterns that are being replicated? Maybe journal or find a support group or a CBT or DBT therapist that will help you regulate some of your reactivity? Maybe a meditation practice and a book like Wherever You Go, There You Are?

There have been a few questions about your childhood experiences but your posts are just about DH and everyday obligations and chores. What makes you feel connected to yourself and others? What gives you joy? When do you laugh? You seem to have a very Calvinist approach to life yet it makes you miserable, yet you do not adopt other common approaches. It's a bit confusing. If you did outsource so the "burdens" would be gone, what would your identity be? Where would the anxiety focus then? If there was a cleaning service, a weekend babysitter, Amazon and grocery delivery? Are there any times that you are not "achieving" - cleaning, running errands that are optional, exercising, enriching kid, etc? What did you and DH do for dates before you were married?

You did not mention friends, family traditions, time with neighbors, etc. Chores, $ and power struggles seems to occupy so much of your sense of self and your time, when you could outsource and are financially stable. Did your family have issues around money? You mention DH losing one job, common, but now you don't trust him to be employed? There is a lot of anxiety around a lot of issues, a lot of time alone ruminating, all of that stokes the anger. But, if God forbid, DH's plane crashed, would you still rage about having to keep the house afloat financially and carry the insurance? Most of us take those things for granted, the weight and resentment you put on them speak to core wounds. Cutting DH loose is not going to resolve any of that, you need to do that introspection and processing.

Dh asked for the morning shift.

I come from supportive parents, who are still married. My dad was definitely involved and very caring, hands on. My mom was also extremely hands on, and very much a martyr. Interestingly, my mom out earned my dad their entitled marriage.

I love to read, travel, I try occasionally to get to a sat am Zumba type class, and I take my dd often to diff museums and parks during our solo time.

When dh is not here, I often feel more alive. I without question feel a peace and calm come over me. From his energy to literally not picking up after him- I feel like a better version of myself. And that’s a lot to type out but I am being honest.

OP, my heart really breaks for you. I felt similar with my first husband - I did EVERYTHING and had to ask him to do ANYTHING. I felt like when he was there he was sapping my energy instead of providing any. He was a drain on me, emotionally, physically, and financially (I had to pay him alimony when we divorced, I am also a lawyer). My second husband is a unicorn. He is far from perfect, but he is a 50/50 parent, super involved, does everything I do with the kids and then some. It's night and day. I finally feel like I have a teammate. I am not one to promote divorce, but you sound so miserable and sad being married to this man. You only get one life - is this how you want to spend it? I know sharing custody sounds awful and the thought of not seeing your kid every night probably hurts a lot, but I would strongly consider you think about how unhappy you are right now and whether that really would be worse. Finally, therapy, if you're not already in it (sorry, I've read most of the pages but I don't remember everything). You need to be able to say these things out loud to a disinterested third party (who doesn't have as many opinions as these people on DCUM!). I hope things get better for you, I really do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can your MIL handle your DD solo for a few hours every weekend? That way, you and DH both get solo time at once, and the rest of the weekend you spend together as a family? I agree solo time is important, but when both parents work FT, there is not a lot of quality time during the week, so weekends are precious.

I also don’t think your solo time should be spent on home organization or grocery shopping or working. Do the errands together, the three of you. And keep weekends free of work (or alternatively designate 3 weeknights to keep free of work). Spend your solo time in r&r mode.

I said the same as above. Look around the grocery store and Target on a Saturday morning, it's all kids with their parents. Why waste your time alone doing what could be done with the kid. My kids all loved going to Target, by the way. And do grocery delivery. Order school crap from Amazon. This doesn't have to be as hard as OP is making it out to be. But she really seems to want to maximize the victimhood. Her precious Saturday morning time is being squandered this way.

So let dad take over the shopping and child errands and take his daughter shopping with him. Done.

Sure why not. But op probably realizes she already gets the better shift maybe she thought it was the right thing to do. The morning person has a longer day. There are other ways to get the chores done so it’s weird that op wastes her “me” time doing them. Get the groceries delivered, Amazon, but she is a glutton for punishment and takes the hard road. None of this makes a lot of sense.

I agree and wonder if this is a troll? If not it is really sad, for all 3 of them.

OP, your anger will not vanish when you file for divorce, I don't think. I don't think the current situation is sustainable, one or both of you is an affair waiting to happen but I think the same feelings will be there even after the split. You said you think so too.

Can you table the issues re: your obligations and try to go back in your history to find some of the roots of the rage and some of the patterns that are being replicated? Maybe journal or find a support group or a CBT or DBT therapist that will help you regulate some of your reactivity? Maybe a meditation practice and a book like Wherever You Go, There You Are?

There have been a few questions about your childhood experiences but your posts are just about DH and everyday obligations and chores. What makes you feel connected to yourself and others? What gives you joy? When do you laugh? You seem to have a very Calvinist approach to life yet it makes you miserable, yet you do not adopt other common approaches. It's a bit confusing. If you did outsource so the "burdens" would be gone, what would your identity be? Where would the anxiety focus then? If there was a cleaning service, a weekend babysitter, Amazon and grocery delivery? Are there any times that you are not "achieving" - cleaning, running errands that are optional, exercising, enriching kid, etc? What did you and DH do for dates before you were married?

You did not mention friends, family traditions, time with neighbors, etc. Chores, $ and power struggles seems to occupy so much of your sense of self and your time, when you could outsource and are financially stable. Did your family have issues around money? You mention DH losing one job, common, but now you don't trust him to be employed? There is a lot of anxiety around a lot of issues, a lot of time alone ruminating, all of that stokes the anger. But, if God forbid, DH's plane crashed, would you still rage about having to keep the house afloat financially and carry the insurance? Most of us take those things for granted, the weight and resentment you put on them speak to core wounds. Cutting DH loose is not going to resolve any of that, you need to do that introspection and processing.

Dh asked for the morning shift.

I come from supportive parents, who are still married. My dad was definitely involved and very caring, hands on. My mom was also extremely hands on, and very much a martyr. Interestingly, my mom out earned my dad their entitled marriage.

I love to read, travel, I try occasionally to get to a sat am Zumba type class, and I take my dd often to diff museums and parks during our solo time.

When dh is not here, I often feel more alive. I without question feel a peace and calm come over me. From his energy to literally not picking up after him- I feel like a better version of myself. And that’s a lot to type out but I am being honest.

Read Codependent No More.

Get to counseling and hold him accountable to some chores, let the rest go. You need to learn to mentally detach. You have taken on the martyr role you saw modeled.

OP, do you socialize with other couples, and/or other families? It seems like you are alone a lot and in your head or one on one with a toddler. Instead of having social connections with others you ruminate. Do you have families over so the kids can play? Go to other people's houses to get a sense of more cohesive, loving family styles?

You are going to find ways to continue this pattern of externalizing your anxiety and deriving a sense of self from righteousness and power struggles even when DH is long gone. For some that is a big dopamine hit pattern. I predict a very difficult relationship with your daughter, between your toxic home which you are 50% responsible for and the looming divorce, she will NOT have had a happy childhood. Museums matter little in comparison to that. You will just apply this template until you change it. Do you have close friends? Get along well with people at work? You are 100% responsible for your reactions, they are choices.

Your DH is not great but he is not so dissimilar to many and not everyone chooses this War of the Roses life. Your kid is watching all of this and is not feeling cherished, happy, relaxed. With the same DH, you could choose to provide her with that type of home but it's all a zero sum game to you, it seems. No care about her emotional well being at all. What attracted you to DH? Why did you have a child with him? You are hurting your kid with your behavior and you don't even want to shift your focus off being a martyr for a minute to contemplate that. Your mom must be some piece of work.