Reply to Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability 
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap.  Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?”  Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one. 
[/quote]

OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce[/quote]

DH didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal. OP is a high maintenance drama queen who acts like spending time with her daughter is like scrubbing toilets.[/quote]
DH didn’t want to spend that time with his daughter either after passing her off to his mom all morning. Yet you only bash the OP.[/quote]

But OP was mad at what he didn't do on her time. He didn't even kiss her goodnight! It cuts both ways. She didn't tuck her kid in for nap either, or fix her lunch, or want to spend time before getting the daughter handed off on her time. The kid wants both her parents involved not just one or the other. Instead she has these two yahoos playing hot potato.[/quote]

There’s a huge difference between lunch and a goodnight kiss. No one really loves to make lunch for their kid—we do it because we have to. But a goodnight kiss? I [b]want[/b] to kiss my kids goodnight, and miss it terribly when I’m traveling. The fact that he doesn’t want to…well, it says something about his relationship to his child.[/quote]

That's what I think about a mother who shoos her kid away and tells her she will see her after the nap. Poor kid to end up with these two parents. Peas in a pod.[/quote]

But she has a parent who will make her lunch. Anyone can make a kid lunch. Lunch isn’t a kiss. Mom’s kiss isn’t the same as Dad’s kiss. [/quote]

Oh stop it. Both people can be wrong here. Dad may be slightly more wrong but neither look good. And the kiss stuff is just ick. No need to go there.[/quote]

I have no idea what you mean by the kiss stuff being “ick.” Are you reading something sexual into this? If so, you’re the pervert, not me. What a disgusting person you are. [/quote]

Go on then weirdo, tell us why mom's kiss is better than dad's kiss?[/quote]

If you actually read for comprehension, you would see that I said mom’s kiss and dad’s kiss aren’t the same. Like, you can’t just substitute one or the other—you need both. Whereas who TF cares who makes the tuna fish sandwich. It’s just a sandwich, it’s not a personal expression of love.[/quote]

Disagree. At that age, time and proximity is what they want - those are acts of love. Choosing not to see your kid until 3pm+ each Saturday is not an act of love.[/quote]

+100.  That poor child.

Fast forward 30 years and OP will be wondering why her dear daughter never calls or visits[/quote]

At first DH seemed a bit more tuned in to the kid's emotional needs, but then he left w/o a goodbye. OP, you both really suck as parents. Understanding what your small child needs, a loving home, a social network with other kids and families around (you NEVER mention any socializing) and parents with some degree of emotional intelligence is where the focus should be. First she felt like you did not want to be with her, then her father left w/o a goodbye. That tiny kid is going to have a LOT of attachment issues. THAT is what you need to focus on and what you both need to fix. HIRE HELP to clean and do laundry and without THOSE dramas to distract focus on what really matters. You need a family therapist more than a marriage one. How is your family well being not the focus of your worlds? The well being of the little girl and of the family as a unit? I doubt you will do it because as an early poster pointed out, both you and DH are fundamentally selfish and inflexible people. Sometimes like calls to like. And this is not "flaming" you, it's just the reality of what it is like for a kid to grow up in the kind of home you describe. I worked hard to give my kids something better including facing some uncomfortable truths about myself and learning how to handle emotions in a healthy way. This is her father, there is no changing that now. Divorce will just give you a new set of grievances, don't you want to have some identity that is bigger? That is fun and playful and involves creating good memories as a family? Do dishtowels matter more? You BOTH suck, but you can only control you, your thought patterns, your priorities. [/quote]

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