Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

Why didn’t her dad show her? He’s the one who brought her home from the sand pit.

Why doesn’t OP do it? She had all morning to herself and it was her shift.

Dad took the child to the activity. He shouldn’t leave messes for other people to clean up.

Oh well. So the sand sits while OP seethes. Her husband is probably getting a kick out of it.

I thought this too. They are really locked in on both sides. OP, you need to get more clear on if you want to stay married or not. If you do, at least for now, I think sidestepping a lot of these small things, teaching the 3 year old how to help with chores, etc is the way to go. Think of it like a game where you win by there not being a power struggle, avoiding the dynamic.

OP, for this one, I'd teach your DD to use a small broom and dust pan like they do in Montessori. She will like feeling big. Obviously she can't be relied on for many tasks but this one, yes. Can you carve out an hour or 2 a week where the 3 of you clean together? Play fun music, etc.

Did you guys do anything as a family today, have a meal together, etc? I could see if he was tired a far away outing might not have appealed. Keep trying, ask what he might enjoy the 3 of your doing? Find a sitter or join a babysitting co-op and go out as a couple alone or with friends twice a month. People who lose that connection and fall into resentment are way more likely to split. If you don't want to, or want it to be your choice, start getting deposits put in the positive side of the ledger.

Totally agtee with the teaching of the little ones to clean up. But why does OP have to do it? Why cant the other parent and partner use the moment when there already is a mess to clean up to teach the 3 year old how to do it.

Why does anyone have to do anything? Why even have kids if you can't do what's best for them without your ego getting in the way? It takes about 10 seconds to clean the mess up. OP has been seething for days about it. The onus falls on the person who is bothered more about it. In this case it's OP.

Exactly it takes 10 seconds and there's no reason that her husband kind of cleaned it up. I don't know dump the shoes outside instead of at the entryway.
It's like death by a million paper cuts. Why can you people not see this?.
It's not just the 10 seconds for the shoes is the 10 seconds for $10,000 other things in the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get some of what OP is saying, although I don’t think the sand is a big deal. But I’ll just say this…..

You and your husband are not your child’s servant/entertainers. The child splits her weekend day being intensively played with my mom or dad. Nothing is expected of her such as learning to use a broom. She doesn’t ever play be herself?

If you keep up with that you will always be exhausted and fuming over some sand.

It is not only ok but highly desirable that children stay home with both parents and entertain themselves without screens while the adults do chores and perhaps even read a book or have a conversation.

I fell into this trap with my oldest who is almost a teen (with some special needs) and I regret it.

+1 A decent chunk of my weekend with my child OP's kid's age is her playing by herself while we are also around watching sports, cooking, having a beer on the porch, etc.

I think OP and her DH use the child and screens to avoid one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

Why didn’t her dad show her? He’s the one who brought her home from the sand pit.

Why doesn’t OP do it? She had all morning to herself and it was her shift.

Dad took the child to the activity. He shouldn’t leave messes for other people to clean up.

Oh well. So the sand sits while OP seethes. Her husband is probably getting a kick out of it.

I thought this too. They are really locked in on both sides. OP, you need to get more clear on if you want to stay married or not. If you do, at least for now, I think sidestepping a lot of these small things, teaching the 3 year old how to help with chores, etc is the way to go. Think of it like a game where you win by there not being a power struggle, avoiding the dynamic.

OP, for this one, I'd teach your DD to use a small broom and dust pan like they do in Montessori. She will like feeling big. Obviously she can't be relied on for many tasks but this one, yes. Can you carve out an hour or 2 a week where the 3 of you clean together? Play fun music, etc.

Did you guys do anything as a family today, have a meal together, etc? I could see if he was tired a far away outing might not have appealed. Keep trying, ask what he might enjoy the 3 of your doing? Find a sitter or join a babysitting co-op and go out as a couple alone or with friends twice a month. People who lose that connection and fall into resentment are way more likely to split. If you don't want to, or want it to be your choice, start getting deposits put in the positive side of the ledger.

Totally agtee with the teaching of the little ones to clean up. But why does OP have to do it? Why cant the other parent and partner use the moment when there already is a mess to clean up to teach the 3 year old how to do it.

Why does anyone have to do anything? Why even have kids if you can't do what's best for them without your ego getting in the way? It takes about 10 seconds to clean the mess up. OP has been seething for days about it. The onus falls on the person who is bothered more about it. In this case it's OP.

Exactly it takes 10 seconds and there's no reason that her husband kind of cleaned it up. I don't know dump the shoes outside instead of at the entryway.
It's like death by a million paper cuts. Why can you people not see this?.
It's not just the 10 seconds for the shoes is the 10 seconds for $10,000 other things in the house?

He's not going to do it. Now what? Who will blink first? It doesn't matter how much you stomp your feet and glare at him. Do you not see that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

Why didn’t her dad show her? He’s the one who brought her home from the sand pit.

Why doesn’t OP do it? She had all morning to herself and it was her shift.

Dad took the child to the activity. He shouldn’t leave messes for other people to clean up.

Oh well. So the sand sits while OP seethes. Her husband is probably getting a kick out of it.

I thought this too. They are really locked in on both sides. OP, you need to get more clear on if you want to stay married or not. If you do, at least for now, I think sidestepping a lot of these small things, teaching the 3 year old how to help with chores, etc is the way to go. Think of it like a game where you win by there not being a power struggle, avoiding the dynamic.

OP, for this one, I'd teach your DD to use a small broom and dust pan like they do in Montessori. She will like feeling big. Obviously she can't be relied on for many tasks but this one, yes. Can you carve out an hour or 2 a week where the 3 of you clean together? Play fun music, etc.

Did you guys do anything as a family today, have a meal together, etc? I could see if he was tired a far away outing might not have appealed. Keep trying, ask what he might enjoy the 3 of your doing? Find a sitter or join a babysitting co-op and go out as a couple alone or with friends twice a month. People who lose that connection and fall into resentment are way more likely to split. If you don't want to, or want it to be your choice, start getting deposits put in the positive side of the ledger.

Totally agtee with the teaching of the little ones to clean up. But why does OP have to do it? Why cant the other parent and partner use the moment when there already is a mess to clean up to teach the 3 year old how to do it.

Why does anyone have to do anything? Why even have kids if you can't do what's best for them without your ego getting in the way? It takes about 10 seconds to clean the mess up. OP has been seething for days about it. The onus falls on the person who is bothered more about it. In this case it's OP.

Exactly it takes 10 seconds and there's no reason that her husband kind of cleaned it up. I don't know dump the shoes outside instead of at the entryway.
It's like death by a million paper cuts. Why can you people not see this?.
It's not just the 10 seconds for the shoes is the 10 seconds for $10,000 other things in the house?

Agree but the 2 of them are both locked in endless power struggles. OP is really easy to wind up. Split or a genuine intervention is needed. This is a toxic environment for all 3 of them. I wonder if DH tries to provoke OP into doing caretaking behaviors that his mother never did? And negative attention from OP is better than none? This all seems like old stuff by both of them is driving the petty behaviors. This level of dysfunction will just take different forms in 2 households, addressing it whatever the outcome, would be ideal.

[Anonymous]

Op here I cannot make this up if I tried. Dh just came to me frustrated and said we need to have a talk asap…because he’s extremely frustrated that we haven’t yet had a second child.

He said it’s offensive to him that I haven’t wanted to entertain the conversation, and he wants us to sit down and talk about this asap. He said “I’m not going to force you to have another child but I am going to force you to see a doctor to see if you have fertility issues.”

Excuse me while I go hysterically laugh quietly to myself. He is so deluded and out of touch with reality. It’s almost impressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here I cannot make this up if I tried. Dh just came to me frustrated and said we need to have a talk asap…because he’s extremely frustrated that we haven’t yet had a second child.

He said it’s offensive to him that I haven’t wanted to entertain the conversation, and he wants us to sit down and talk about this asap. He said “I’m not going to force you to have another child but I am going to force you to see a doctor to see if you have fertility issues.”

Excuse me while I go hysterically laugh quietly to myself. He is so deluded and out of touch with reality. It’s almost impressive.

I find you not very credible. Anything to keep this thread going, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

Why didn’t her dad show her? He’s the one who brought her home from the sand pit.

Why doesn’t OP do it? She had all morning to herself and it was her shift.

Dad took the child to the activity. He shouldn’t leave messes for other people to clean up.

Oh well. So the sand sits while OP seethes. Her husband is probably getting a kick out of it.

I thought this too. They are really locked in on both sides. OP, you need to get more clear on if you want to stay married or not. If you do, at least for now, I think sidestepping a lot of these small things, teaching the 3 year old how to help with chores, etc is the way to go. Think of it like a game where you win by there not being a power struggle, avoiding the dynamic.

OP, for this one, I'd teach your DD to use a small broom and dust pan like they do in Montessori. She will like feeling big. Obviously she can't be relied on for many tasks but this one, yes. Can you carve out an hour or 2 a week where the 3 of you clean together? Play fun music, etc.

Did you guys do anything as a family today, have a meal together, etc? I could see if he was tired a far away outing might not have appealed. Keep trying, ask what he might enjoy the 3 of your doing? Find a sitter or join a babysitting co-op and go out as a couple alone or with friends twice a month. People who lose that connection and fall into resentment are way more likely to split. If you don't want to, or want it to be your choice, start getting deposits put in the positive side of the ledger.

Totally agtee with the teaching of the little ones to clean up. But why does OP have to do it? Why cant the other parent and partner use the moment when there already is a mess to clean up to teach the 3 year old how to do it.

Why does anyone have to do anything? Why even have kids if you can't do what's best for them without your ego getting in the way? It takes about 10 seconds to clean the mess up. OP has been seething for days about it. The onus falls on the person who is bothered more about it. In this case it's OP.

Exactly it takes 10 seconds and there's no reason that her husband kind of cleaned it up. I don't know dump the shoes outside instead of at the entryway.
It's like death by a million paper cuts. Why can you people not see this?.
It's not just the 10 seconds for the shoes is the 10 seconds for $10,000 other things in the house?

He's not going to do it. Now what? Who will blink first? It doesn't matter how much you stomp your feet and glare at him. Do you not see that?

The dumping sand on the floor instead of outside (or even back into the sand pit is next level passive aggressive. As is putting the vacuum next to it. OP and DH really are well matched in many ways. Very sad for the kid.

OP the reality is that you can only control your actions and thoughts and reactions. You cannot make your DH do anything. You each goad the other. This will NOT be fixed by divorce. Do you really want to spend the rest of your kid's childhood seething in 1 home or 2? You cannot change him, only yourself, your reactions, etc. If you choose peace for yourself as a goal, what reactions and actions might flow from that? You guys really need family therapy. Even little things about your kid are weaponized and she is going to be really messed up and co-dependent.

[Anonymous]

Folks, this is a troll thread. Amazing that people are getting so worked up about some imaginary post.

[Anonymous]

Being a martyr is not based on actions but on emotions, self perception, thought patterns, etc. You invest huge amounts of energy into trivia to distract from what? Worries about money and security? Loneliness in your marriage? Lack of sex and affection?

You set up hopeless situations like the sand, all he has to do is nothing and it captures your emotions for the weekend, take your power back and stop doing this to YOURSELF and your KID.

https://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Martyr-Syndrome

This pattern will play out until you change your reactions and self perceptions and thought patterns. Filing for divorce will not fix these patterns, just give different ways to play them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here I cannot make this up if I tried. Dh just came to me frustrated and said we need to have a talk asap…because he’s extremely frustrated that we haven’t yet had a second child.

He said it’s offensive to him that I haven’t wanted to entertain the conversation, and he wants us to sit down and talk about this asap. He said “I’m not going to force you to have another child but I am going to force you to see a doctor to see if you have fertility issues.”

Excuse me while I go hysterically laugh quietly to myself. He is so deluded and out of touch with reality. It’s almost impressive.

I find you not very credible. Anything to keep this thread going, right?

I've been saying troll all along. Jumped the shark here, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He did eventually clean up the sand. I asked if he wanted to go see a family-friendly concert together next weekend. I’m trying to make deposits and cultivate shared positive time.

I am trying to smile and find positive things to dwell on.

A part of me longs for the vibe, space, and just overall feeling I had last week while he was gone. My energy and mood were totally different. I didn’t feel on edge. This home felt calm, clean, peaceful. I’m really trying to “not sweat the small stuff” and come from a place of gratitude. I swear I am. But it’s hard. I’m jsut being honest. Last night he ordered take out dinner for himself, and himself alone. I guess he was craving a specific place. I guess the food was good because he went to bed and left the plate on the counter, with food and crumbs everywhere, counter and floor. It never ends. I said to him this morning “I cleaned it up last night, but please put food away and wipe up food spills.” Him: “what food? Didn’t realize I left anything out”

It’s exhausting. He has always been messy but it’s been taken up a notch in the last few years. Legitimately does not clean up after himself. It’s gross and thoughtless and I’m not a maid.


Sorry op, that sounds awful and he is inconsiderate and lazy. Gross.

I want peace in my home and I know that starts with me. Does that really mean laughing off these things as eccentricities and choosing to sweep it all under the rug?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here I cannot make this up if I tried. Dh just came to me frustrated and said we need to have a talk asap…because he’s extremely frustrated that we haven’t yet had a second child.

He said it’s offensive to him that I haven’t wanted to entertain the conversation, and he wants us to sit down and talk about this asap. He said “I’m not going to force you to have another child but I am going to force you to see a doctor to see if you have fertility issues.”

Excuse me while I go hysterically laugh quietly to myself. He is so deluded and out of touch with reality. It’s almost impressive.

Do not have another child with this man. You are already miserable. If he does not like it then divorce. You said your house is much calmer when he is away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He did eventually clean up the sand. I asked if he wanted to go see a family-friendly concert together next weekend. I’m trying to make deposits and cultivate shared positive time.

I am trying to smile and find positive things to dwell on.

A part of me longs for the vibe, space, and just overall feeling I had last week while he was gone. My energy and mood were totally different. I didn’t feel on edge. This home felt calm, clean, peaceful. I’m really trying to “not sweat the small stuff” and come from a place of gratitude. I swear I am. But it’s hard. I’m jsut being honest. Last night he ordered take out dinner for himself, and himself alone. I guess he was craving a specific place. I guess the food was good because he went to bed and left the plate on the counter, with food and crumbs everywhere, counter and floor. It never ends. I said to him this morning “I cleaned it up last night, but please put food away and wipe up food spills.” Him: “what food? Didn’t realize I left anything out”

It’s exhausting. He has always been messy but it’s been taken up a notch in the last few years. Legitimately does not clean up after himself. It’s gross and thoughtless and I’m not a maid.

I want peace in my home and I know that starts with me. Does that really mean laughing off these things as eccentricities and choosing to sweep it all under the rug?

This is not really about co parenting or boundaries, it’s about your spouse having being messy at least in your eyes. You married him knowing this but maybe the added burdens of parenting have made it more of an issue for you than it was before. Look no partner is perfect. It doesn’t seem like he is unkind or not listening to you when you speak up. But you aren’t going to make a person who has been messy his whole life change. Your choice is your response to it. I’d suggest meeting somewhere in the middle and outsourcing more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a FB group of about 60 moms and I remember one of them starting a post about how her husband kept refilling a dirty pot with new suds instead of just cleaning in. And we were all, oh you poor thing, he sounds awful, and she said . . . No, this is the man I love. This is funny to me. I don't care if he's ever going to clean the pot. I just laugh at the insanity of refilling it with water 10 times instead of just cleaning it.

I remember thinking, oh, I could just . . . laugh at my husband's foibles? It wasn't a lesson I had really learned yet. I think I've learned it now. The key is just to be in an earnest place. No tit for tat, just giving the benefit of the doubt. Why assume your husband knows the sand is driving you crazy and is choosing not to vacuum it just to treat you like a maid? That's not the simplest explanation. The simplest explanation is that it's not a big deal to him and he honestly believes he'll get to it later. He isn't aware of his tendency to put things off (and maybe the fact that you swoop in and do them before he has to recognize that he's bad at follow through is compounding things). He feels like being tired after travel is a good enough reason to give himself a break.

I DO think he should understand how his actions impact you. I just wouldn't assign malice to this failure on his part. The way you make this happen is by doing your part to give grace, give the benefit of the doubt, etc. That doesn't mean eating your frustration. It just means that when you express it, you do it like this: "I know you're so exhausted, which I totally get, but this sand is driving me crazy and I know you don't want a crazy wife. Could you please handle it before dinner?" The feelings underneath your request are slight amusement at your husband's silliness, slight amusement at your own silliness, and a desire to have peace while also not having sand on your floor.

You are wise.

+1

I have approached things with my husband similarly. We have laughed at his gymnastic ability to make it up stairs when I have piled things on them that need to be carried up in a way that I thought would force him to deal with it. He said didn't really "see" the stuff because he hadn't put it there and he didn't know where it all needed to go, but when I explained to him that the stuff on the stairs is the clothes of the kids we made together or the detergent that is used to wash his clothes or the suitcase from the trip we took as a family, i.e. also something that relates to him and should be just as much his responsibility as it is mine, he now picks things up instead of stepping over them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He did eventually clean up the sand. I asked if he wanted to go see a family-friendly concert together next weekend. I’m trying to make deposits and cultivate shared positive time.

I am trying to smile and find positive things to dwell on.

A part of me longs for the vibe, space, and just overall feeling I had last week while he was gone. My energy and mood were totally different. I didn’t feel on edge. This home felt calm, clean, peaceful. I’m really trying to “not sweat the small stuff” and come from a place of gratitude. I swear I am. But it’s hard. I’m jsut being honest. Last night he ordered take out dinner for himself, and himself alone. I guess he was craving a specific place. I guess the food was good because he went to bed and left the plate on the counter, with food and crumbs everywhere, counter and floor. It never ends. I said to him this morning “I cleaned it up last night, but please put food away and wipe up food spills.” Him: “what food? Didn’t realize I left anything out”

It’s exhausting. He has always been messy but it’s been taken up a notch in the last few years. Legitimately does not clean up after himself. It’s gross and thoughtless and I’m not a maid.

I want peace in my home and I know that starts with me. Does that really mean laughing off these things as eccentricities and choosing to sweep it all under the rug?

Have you tried telling him the second thing instead of saying the first thing? Telling him that leaving his food out, that he ordered for himself alone, is thoughtless and rude to you?