Messed up marrying the wrong guy, where to go from here - give it to me straight please

[Anonymous]

This is my second marriage. If I could go back I would have tried harder to make the 1st one work.

I meet a group of women each month for lunch. All in second marriages, but everyone admits it's much harder than they imagined! Why most second marriages end in divorce at a much greater rate.

[Anonymous]

Immediate PP here. You seem to think very highly of yourself, OP.

[Anonymous]

If someone posted that their wife earned not enough money and was not fit but is a great mom they would be criticized for foolishness. Model for your daughter how to treat a good guy like her dad. Realize how lucky you are. Go to couples therapy. Invest in the long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have other redeeming qualities as a husband rather than a father? If he knows that you think so badly of him, he may not feel confident to look for other jobs. Maybe you can help him identify other job prospects and encourage him to apply.

Ding ding ding. I think it's possible that this woman is complicit in destroying her husband's self esteem, which sapped his energy and ambition. I forsee a future where they divorce, he ends up getting fit and finding a better job, and she languishes on the middle aged woman saying market.

[Anonymous]

Easier to stay in a blah marriage and work on it than go shopping for an ideal other. Less crushing disappointment and isolation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone posted that their wife earned not enough money and was not fit but is a great mom they would be criticized for foolishness. Model for your daughter how to treat a good guy like her dad. Realize how lucky you are. Go to couples therapy. Invest in the long term.

And that's what people are riding here. Great news, no hypocrisy! Yay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have other redeeming qualities as a husband rather than a father? If he knows that you think so badly of him, he may not feel confident to look for other jobs. Maybe you can help him identify other job prospects and encourage him to apply.

Ding ding ding. I think it's possible that this woman is complicit in destroying her husband's self esteem, which sapped his energy and ambition. I forsee a future where they divorce, he ends up getting fit and finding a better job, and she languishes on the middle aged woman saying market.

Please. My husband is depressed and self-loathing and I am his biggest cheerleader, and it doesn't matter. Whereas when I was depressed and not feeling positive about my life or career, he brought none of that energy, and I still pulled out of it and made my life better because I believe in therapy, medication, and work. Someone who is relentlessly negative does not want a spouse to make constructive suggestions about how to fix his life. If he wanted to fix his life, he'd be fixing his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please do him a huge favor and divorce him

I have actually said to him "I don't think I can be a good wife to you because I don't respect you" but he says he does NOT want a divorce. He thinks I should lower my expectations.

Divorce him for his sake. Personally, I think you will have either a tough time getting remarried, or will marry another guy you won't like, because from your description alone I can see you aren't the most aware person when it comes to relationship. But, a divorce will help him find the right person at least.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you get divorced (and let's be real women who have this attitude at your age typically get divorced), honestly, don't even bother with relationships again until you've had a LOT of therapy.

Your thought process sounds very selfish and immature. Marriage is not all about you and your husband is not some accessory that needs to be fit and make a lot of money to make you look good.

This toxic dynamic that you've established with him also affects him and his confidence and ability to excel- you have contempt for him, which makes him feel uncomfortable and insecure, which leads him to be insecure at work and eat his feelings, which only makes you show more contempt, and so on. I mean, how would you feel if the person who is supposed to be your partner and main support in life thought you were some loser? Further, what would you have done if your husband was ill and you really had to take care of him? Would you have dumped him? He really deserves better. Anybody would.

And news flash, you're not Meghan Markle and successful men aren't going to line up to marry a 37 year old divorcee with a toddler no matter how fit you are. There's just a lot of magical thinking reflected in your posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

OMG — seriously? Let me tell you about my lovely stepdaughter (seriously, she is lovely, we get along great). Her mom is going thru her FIFTH divorce. Because the fairy tale perfect relationship buzz wore off and she was stuck with someone who wasn’t perfect. Every new husband was a new amazing partner and step-dad, until he wasn’t. Then she held nothing but contempt for him.

It’s a miracle my stepchild and my siblings aren’t in completely dysfunctional relationships, but I think it was such a horrible example they went to the other extreme.

Go ahead and divorce if and ONLY if you believe your life and your daughters life would be improved if you were single.

Then get significant therapy before you even start dating , much less jump headlong into another marriage - “reasonably” and “quickly” are oxymorons in this case,.

If you are attractive and fit, I have no doubt you’ll find someone, but the question is will the bloom wear of that relationship? Highly likely if he is someone to jump into such a match quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

I think this mind set is interesting. You say he's a good dad but your plan is to pretty much find replacement family unit as quickly as possible? This new person won't be your child's father.

You're going to be giving up 50 percent of her life. Holidays. He will date and move on and your daughter will have a step-mother. Your daughter might have additional siblings.

I just don't think the main focus here should be how quick you can find a new husband.

Thank you, I have thought this out carefully and am aware of all you write. I think it might be nice for her to have more siblings if he were to remarry, which I would not begrudge at all. She has a father, I wouldn't expect a new husband to be her father. But I think it would be good for her to see a husband wife relationship where the man is respected by the wife.

Please, this is not about your DD. Don't use her as an excuse.

What you are saying to her is that your father is a loser, and don't marry someone like him.

[Anonymous]

OP, you shouldn't just dump your husband and remarry to show your daughter what a good marriage looks like. If you were as amazing a person as you are presenting in this thread, you'd make a valiant effort to save your marriage and really push yourself to regaining respect for your husband. It says a lot about you that you won't.

[Anonymous]

Myself and my friends who have been married twice all agree. You exchange one set of problems for a new set!

[Anonymous]

So you want to blow up your child's world through divorce because you've lost respect for your child's father? Life is more than about money and job title, OP.

Now for a few other facts: You are nearing 40 as a rapid pace. The single, childless, accomplished men your age or into their 40s don't want to marry a nearly-40-year-old woman with kids. Being a step father comes with a lot of downside (financial responsibility, being told "you're not my dad!") and little upside.

Unless you're just a fun time girl, they will want to understand why you left your husband. Then you say:

"I married the wrong person. I just did not respect my husband. I found him incompetent and underachieving. I learned over our 7 years of marriage that he was all talk and no action, the type to make excuses instead of taking action. However, he was a good father to our young daughter."

A man of sense with immediately see huge red flags and ruuuun a country mile from even considering marriage to you, OP. They'll feel for the dude, not you.

Stay where you are and work on your attitude and marriage.

[Anonymous]

I feel like you’ve posted about your husband before. You (or he) are academics and you find him slovenly and not up to your type A standards?

I don’t know what to tell you, except maybe look a bit deeper as to why you have an aversion to supporting him through this life slump. He sounds depressed and you sound anxious that he’s going to drag you down, probably because of something you witnessed in the past with your parents.