Messed up marrying the wrong guy, where to go from here - give it to me straight please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married the wrong person. I just do not respect my husband. I find him incompetent and underachieving. I have learned over our 7 years of marriage that he is all talk and no action, the type to make excuses instead of take action. However, he is a good father to our young daughter.

I am 37. I am fit, attractive, and I have a good job.

Would it be a terrible mistake to divorce? Would it be possible for me to remarry someone I could respect or did that ship realistically sail?

I suppose my choices are just make peace with my husband or take my chances in a divorce. My goals are to have a happy marriage with mutual love and respect and to model that to my daughter.

WWYD?

OP, you have a child together, you gotta stay. Your reasons for leaving him just aren’t good enough to justify divorce with a child involved. Lots of people wouldn’t marry their spouses again if they knew then what they know now.
Most likely if you leave him and remarry you will end up just as dissatisfied with the new guy as you are now and you would be dealing with all the additional headaches of blended families, step parenting, etc.
Just make the best of your current situation.

This is horrible advice. Horrible. She is going to end up divorced later and everyone will be in a worse position. The child will not remember them living together. This is the best time to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get divorced. Your child doesn't need to grow up observing the contempt you feel for your husband. It's not your fault, but I don't see how things will get better when you look at the world in such different ways.

Also, heavy people get fatter as they get older. And people get more set in their ways and less likely to make big career changes.

Or she could just hide her contempt. It doesn’t sound like he’s an a$$hole and he’s a good and loving father. Deal with it OP.

Kids can see and feel contempt. They know. It is near impossible to hide. It comes out. This is bad relationship modeling for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your husband LOVES YOUR CHILD. You are not going to find another man that will feel the same way. Yes, you could find someone who will treat your child very well, and might even feel real affection towards her, but that is not the same as having true love for the kid.
I have several friends who have divorced and remarried with kids involved. They all express dissatisfaction with living with a person who might be doing their best to be nice step dad but don’t feel the genuine love.
Think about that for a minute. All marriages go through the blahs eventually, do you really want to be facing that plus sharing your life with someone who doesn’t truly love your child?

The child has a father: it does not matter if a new spouse loves her the same. I do not know why you think that would be an expectation. Your friends have unreasonable expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL ended up divorcing due to a similar situation but she ended up waiting until her kids were in high school. Her ex is a nice guy but she wanted someone super ambitious. What I think she couldn't see was that his lack of ambition made it much easier for her to become successful.

+1 I stated exactly this up thread.

How does OP think this woul play out if she marries a man who is super ambitious? Do you think he will take time off work to do the doctor's appointments, school activities, deal with sick kids, and in the past year, stay home with the kids to help out with zoom learning or if the daycare closes?

I guess you could just hire an au pair if you both are ambitious and make a lot, and just let your au pair raise your child. I'm not saying it's bad to get an au pair or nanny (we had one when the kids were little), but it would be really difficult for two ambitious people to spend much time with a child.

I'm betting you were able to achieve what you did in part due to your DH being a great father.

I'm 51, and my kids are teens now. The time commitment from parents actually varies by the kid's age. At 2, the needs of the child are mostly physical, but as your kids get older, there is a lot more time commitment for planning and scheduling.

I guess if you marry a more ambitious man your DH will have partial custody, and you will rely on him to take half the load of that time commitment, much like he's probably done throughout your marriage. I would not plan on relying on your super ambitious new husband to help out that much. You'll be a partial single parent. How do you see that playing out with your career?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get divorced. Your child doesn't need to grow up observing the contempt you feel for your husband. It's not your fault, but I don't see how things will get better when you look at the world in such different ways.

Also, heavy people get fatter as they get older. And people get more set in their ways and less likely to make big career changes.

Or she could just hide her contempt. It doesn’t sound like he’s an a$$hole and he’s a good and loving father. Deal with it OP.

Kids can see and feel contempt. They know. It is near impossible to hide. It comes out. This is bad relationship modeling for kids.

The child may also despise the parent who holds contempt for the other parent just because the parent isn't ambitious enough, but is otherwise loving and a good parent.

I think OP should get divorced, though. Clearly she has other priorities in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL ended up divorcing due to a similar situation but she ended up waiting until her kids were in high school. Her ex is a nice guy but she wanted someone super ambitious. What I think she couldn't see was that his lack of ambition made it much easier for her to become successful.

+1 I stated exactly this up thread.

How does OP think this woul play out if she marries a man who is super ambitious? Do you think he will take time off work to do the doctor's appointments, school activities, deal with sick kids, and in the past year, stay home with the kids to help out with zoom learning or if the daycare closes?

I guess you could just hire an au pair if you both are ambitious and make a lot, and just let your au pair raise your child. I'm not saying it's bad to get an au pair or nanny (we had one when the kids were little), but it would be really difficult for two ambitious people to spend much time with a child.

I'm betting you were able to achieve what you did in part due to your DH being a great father.

I'm 51, and my kids are teens now. The time commitment from parents actually varies by the kid's age. At 2, the needs of the child are mostly physical, but as your kids get older, there is a lot more time commitment for planning and scheduling.

I guess if you marry a more ambitious man your DH will have partial custody, and you will rely on him to take half the load of that time commitment, much like he's probably done throughout your marriage. I would not plan on relying on your super ambitious new husband to help out that much. You'll be a partial single parent. How do you see that playing out with your career?

She wrote about this previously. They lived in a place that limited her career so that he could pursue his, long after it was clear that he wasn't going to be particularly successful. Also, do you think someone who complains all the time and hates his job encourages her to be successful in hers? I've been there and I doubt it. There are multiple ways that a partner can hinder or help your career. Child care is one of them, but it's sure not the only one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

That’s hot mess territory, op. You can’t replace her father with a newer, better model. Very few career ambitious guys are looking to marry a single mom with an ex and take on dad duties. Very messy.

Very few? I would say zero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married the wrong person. I just do not respect my husband. I find him incompetent and underachieving. I have learned over our 7 years of marriage that he is all talk and no action, the type to make excuses instead of take action. However, he is a good father to our young daughter.

I am 37. I am fit, attractive, and I have a good job.

Would it be a terrible mistake to divorce? Would it be possible for me to remarry someone I could respect or did that ship realistically sail?

I suppose my choices are just make peace with my husband or take my chances in a divorce. My goals are to have a happy marriage with mutual love and respect and to model that to my daughter.

WWYD?

OP, you have a child together, you gotta stay. Your reasons for leaving him just aren’t good enough to justify divorce with a child involved. Lots of people wouldn’t marry their spouses again if they knew then what they know now.
Most likely if you leave him and remarry you will end up just as dissatisfied with the new guy as you are now and you would be dealing with all the additional headaches of blended families, step parenting, etc.
Just make the best of your current situation.

This is horrible advice. Horrible. She is going to end up divorced later and everyone will be in a worse position. The child will not remember them living together. This is the best time to leave.

My parents separated and divorced when I was very little, and I agree with this. I still saw an unhealthy marriage first-hand because my dad and stepmom bickered constantly, but my mom never remarried (had BFs, but refused to remarry) and her home was a haven for me. Still have a great relationship with my mom, who is one of the happiest people I know (she’s the one who initiated the divorce, too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Get. Your. Depression. Treated. This black and white thinking and “dearly held dream” shit is depression talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Get. Your. Depression. Treated. This black and white thinking and “dearly held dream” shit is depression talking.

Where did OP mention depression? A pill doesn’t create love. Or respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Get. Your. Depression. Treated. This black and white thinking and “dearly held dream” shit is depression talking.

Where did OP mention depression? A pill doesn’t create love. Or respect.

She doesn’t have to mention it. She is manifesting it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Get. Your. Depression. Treated. This black and white thinking and “dearly held dream” shit is depression talking.

Where did OP mention depression? A pill doesn’t create love. Or respect.

She doesn’t have to mention it. She is manifesting it.

No, she is not. She is recognizing she will never be happy in this marriage. She needs to leave rather than divorce later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Get. Your. Depression. Treated. This black and white thinking and “dearly held dream” shit is depression talking.

Where did OP mention depression? A pill doesn’t create love. Or respect.

She doesn’t have to mention it. She is manifesting it.

No, she is not. She is recognizing she will never be happy in this marriage. She needs to leave rather than divorce later.

She’s not going to be happy in any marriage until she gets her act together. She is engaged in cognitive distortions that will follow her everywhere. Divorce won’t make them go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Get. Your. Depression. Treated. This black and white thinking and “dearly held dream” shit is depression talking.

Where did OP mention depression? A pill doesn’t create love. Or respect.

She doesn’t have to mention it. She is manifesting it.

No, she is not. She is recognizing she will never be happy in this marriage. She needs to leave rather than divorce later.

She’s not going to be happy in any marriage until she gets her act together. She is engaged in cognitive distortions that will follow her everywhere. Divorce won’t make them go away.

You don't know this. Some people marry the wrong partner and the marriage is the problem. This is not cognitive distortion. She is unhappy with the marriage. Many times, that can be fixed by ending a bad relationship. Divorce can it go away. You are not longer in the bad relationship. Sometimes that IS the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Option 3 - Build your own kingdom with DH and get the F over fact his bro earns 400k/year. Maybe he has open marriage, side chicks, eats boogers, you don't freaking know. Salary isn't EVERYTHING. jesus you are so shallow