Messed up marrying the wrong guy, where to go from here - give it to me straight please

[Anonymous]

Get ready to pay alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you’ve posted about your husband before. You (or he) are academics and you find him slovenly and not up to your type A standards?

I don’t know what to tell you, except maybe look a bit deeper as to why you have an aversion to supporting him through this life slump. He sounds depressed and you sound anxious that he’s going to drag you down, probably because of something you witnessed in the past with your parents.

+1 he is an academic and she wants him to get a higher paying job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you get divorced (and let's be real women who have this attitude at your age typically get divorced), honestly, don't even bother with relationships again until you've had a LOT of therapy.

Your thought process sounds very selfish and immature. Marriage is not all about you and your husband is not some accessory that needs to be fit and make a lot of money to make you look good.

This toxic dynamic that you've established with him also affects him and his confidence and ability to excel- you have contempt for him, which makes him feel uncomfortable and insecure, which leads him to be insecure at work and eat his feelings, which only makes you show more contempt, and so on. I mean, how would you feel if the person who is supposed to be your partner and main support in life thought you were some loser? Further, what would you have done if your husband was ill and you really had to take care of him? Would you have dumped him? He really deserves better. Anybody would.

And news flash, you're not Meghan Markle and successful men aren't going to line up to marry a 37 year old divorcee with a toddler no matter how fit you are. There's just a lot of magical thinking reflected in your posts.

My husband explicitly told me he thought I was a loser in a whole variety of different ways -- my appearance, my job, his lack of desire to spend time with me - and, no, it didn't make me insecure at work and I didn't eat my feelings, because I don't depend on one person for my entire self-image. It was deeply unpleasant, but it affected my sense of him a lot more than my sense of myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

That’s hot mess territory, op. You can’t replace her father with a newer, better model. Very few career ambitious guys are looking to marry a single mom with an ex and take on dad duties. Very messy.

wait you think your daughter needs someone hotter and more ambitious and rich to play dad instead of her own father?

dude

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you get divorced (and let's be real women who have this attitude at your age typically get divorced), honestly, don't even bother with relationships again until you've had a LOT of therapy.

Your thought process sounds very selfish and immature. Marriage is not all about you and your husband is not some accessory that needs to be fit and make a lot of money to make you look good.

This toxic dynamic that you've established with him also affects him and his confidence and ability to excel- you have contempt for him, which makes him feel uncomfortable and insecure, which leads him to be insecure at work and eat his feelings, which only makes you show more contempt, and so on. I mean, how would you feel if the person who is supposed to be your partner and main support in life thought you were some loser? Further, what would you have done if your husband was ill and you really had to take care of him? Would you have dumped him? He really deserves better. Anybody would.

And news flash, you're not Meghan Markle and successful men aren't going to line up to marry a 37 year old divorcee with a toddler no matter how fit you are. There's just a lot of magical thinking reflected in your posts.

My husband explicitly told me he thought I was a loser in a whole variety of different ways -- my appearance, my job, his lack of desire to spend time with me - and, no, it didn't make me insecure at work and I didn't eat my feelings, because I don't depend on one person for my entire self-image. It was deeply unpleasant, but it affected my sense of him a lot more than my sense of myself.

Excellent. Where should I send your "I can withstand emotional abuse" certificate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

That’s hot mess territory, op. You can’t replace her father with a newer, better model. Very few career ambitious guys are looking to marry a single mom with an ex and take on dad duties. Very messy.

wait you think your daughter needs someone hotter and more ambitious and rich to play dad instead of her own father?

dude

Agree times one million
We get it OP you are a severe hottie and you want some strange schlong. But once you are a mother you owe it to your kid to work on your marriage.

People are worth more than their weight and their ability to make money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

I was recently YOU. At the 7 year mark. Chances are, your feeling is just a phase. You will get past it. You will remember things you adore about him.

Your husband is a great father. THAT'S HUGE!!!! I think he is just either risk adverse, or he isn't good at self initiation. I bet if you landed him a job interview, he would go. As far as his weight goes, can you cook healthier meals, buy only healthy snacks, sign him up for a gym?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get ready to pay alimony.

Oh dear. Smart insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

I was recently YOU. At the 7 year mark. Chances are, your feeling is just a phase. You will get past it. You will remember things you adore about him.

Your husband is a great father. THAT'S HUGE!!!! I think he is just either risk adverse, or he isn't good at self initiation. I bet if you landed him a job interview, he would go. As far as his weight goes, can you cook healthier meals, buy only healthy snacks, sign him up for a gym?

JFC, you cannot land someone a job interview or make them be fit. He's an adult. He is in charge of his decisions and his outcomes.

Get some space. Do your own things. Focus on the things you like about him when you're together.

[Anonymous]

Definitely therapy for you, probably couples therapy and maybe therapy for him as well.
And I’m not even a big fan of therapy!
Your expectations for a long term relationship sound unrealistic. Are you really saying you can’t respect a man unless he makes good money and is thin? What about kindness, integrity, etc?
If it’s more that you just can’t listen to him kvetch about how much academia sucks any more….that’s fair. You may need couples therapy to figure out a way you can be supportive of his feelings without drowning in his dislike of his job.
Also, FYI…the next decade or two for you is going to be Rough. Late 40s is not kind to women on the hormonal or professional front. So in 2031, it may well be you in a serious slump at work and carrying a spare tire around the belly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

I was recently YOU. At the 7 year mark. Chances are, your feeling is just a phase. You will get past it. You will remember things you adore about him.

Your husband is a great father. THAT'S HUGE!!!! I think he is just either risk adverse, or he isn't good at self initiation. I bet if you landed him a job interview, he would go. As far as his weight goes, can you cook healthier meals, buy only healthy snacks, sign him up for a gym?

JFC, you cannot land someone a job interview or make them be fit. He's an adult. He is in charge of his decisions and his outcomes.

Get some space. Do your own things. Focus on the things you like about him when you're together.

Yes, she can. I'm the PP. I basically got my DH job interview. Job change was LIFE CHANGING!!!!!

[Anonymous]

You can complain, or pay something to mediate you complaining in an office, or you can start doing.

[Anonymous]

Couples therapy, not divorce.

And don’t divorce to find someone “better”, do it because you do not want to be with the person you are married to. There is no guarantee you will get married again or that you will find someone up to your standards.

Last, divorce can be hard on kids. This will make your child’s life more complex and challenging.

[Anonymous]

Therapy first. Then ask yourself, am I willing to live this way the rest of my life? If' you're not, and you just stay for your child, you'll be miserable and resentful and you'll just dislike your husband more.

Then: If I'm not willing to live this way the rest of my life, am I willing to live the rest of my life unmarried and alone as I know that's a very real possibility?

Which would I hate more?

I'm kind of on the other side about the staying just for daughter. At this point, she'll not quite understand, and growing up in separate and shared households will be her normal life as she won't remember it any other way. If you fall in the I'm not willing to live this way the rest of my life, you'll eventually leave him anyway and it would probably be much more traumatic for daughter then. In addition to growing in an unhappy home.

[Anonymous]

I sometimes feel like I don’t respect my husband, but I think I would be annoyed by something about anyone I married. There are things that annoy me with all my friends’ husbands, which reminds me that the grass is not always greener on the other side.