Messed up marrying the wrong guy, where to go from here - give it to me straight please

[Anonymous]

I’m
Laughing at the PP who thinks buying someone a Fitbit and making a gentle comment about weight is going to spur someone to lose weight. The person has to really want to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

First you need to do therapy to understand why you chose him. And you did choose him, you didn't get suckered. If you don't do that, you risk making the wrong choice again. Speaking from experience here as someone who subconsciously avoided people who were good partners and ran after people who were unavailable until I did group therapy for adult children of alcoholics. Own your choice and figure out why you made it. Then move forward. Good luck with this. I know it's painful.

She probably thought he was going far with his grad degree from a prestigious univ. That's the bait/switch she was referring to.

I guess I could see that. But here you are, with kids. Did you only just notice his issues now after you had kids?

The only person who will suffer at the end will be your kid. You might marry the man of your dreams; your DH may see the divorce as the kick in the pants to change, and then marry someone better than you who appreciates him.

But what about your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please do him a huge favor and divorce him

I have actually said to him "I don't think I can be a good wife to you because I don't respect you" but he says he does NOT want a divorce. He thinks I should lower my expectations.

I mean, duh? What do you expect him to say? “Yes, honey, that’s a great idea. Let’s break up our family because you find me contemptible!” Are you waiting for him to agree to the plan to move forward with it?

I would caution you on your expectations for a new partnership though. If you think your life will be better without him than with him, divorce makes sense, but if you need a new partner to be happy, you may very well be disappointed. Plus you risk a lot of instability in your dd’s life.

I value relationship very much, which is why my disappointment in my marriage is so hard to live with. And yes, I am worried about instability in my DD's life and unrealistic expectations on my side. That is what I am weighing here. On the flip side I don't want to waste my life feeling like I am missing out on something so important to me (a good marriage) because I am afraid to make a change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m
Laughing at the PP who thinks buying someone a Fitbit and making a gentle comment about weight is going to spur someone to lose weight. The person has to really want to do it.

No sh1t. But that was the impetus to get him moving for him. It was an example. Sorry your spouse is a jerk to you, or that you have no discipline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please do him a huge favor and divorce him

I have actually said to him "I don't think I can be a good wife to you because I don't respect you" but he says he does NOT want a divorce. He thinks I should lower my expectations.

I mean, duh? What do you expect him to say? “Yes, honey, that’s a great idea. Let’s break up our family because you find me contemptible!” Are you waiting for him to agree to the plan to move forward with it?

I would caution you on your expectations for a new partnership though. If you think your life will be better without him than with him, divorce makes sense, but if you need a new partner to be happy, you may very well be disappointed. Plus you risk a lot of instability in your dd’s life.

I value relationship very much, which is why my disappointment in my marriage is so hard to live with. And yes, I am worried about instability in my DD's life and unrealistic expectations on my side. That is what I am weighing here. On the flip side I don't want to waste my life feeling like I am missing out on something so important to me (a good marriage) because I am afraid to make a change.

When you have a kid, at some point, it's not just about you. Sure, if your DH was a total jerk and abusive, there is no question about divorce.

But if he's not earning as much as you think he should, then that's not really reason enough to upend your DD's life, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you chose to marry so poorly, OP. Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Ok OP my ex husband was somewhat like this but MUCH worse. Like cannot really function as an adult in the world. Your husband sounds like he just needs a little therapy and so do you. Don’t even consider divorce until you’ve both done individual therapy.

[Anonymous]

This is the female version of the mid-life crisis.

Look, there is basically nothing worse you are likely to do to your daughter than divorce her father. If you care about her, as opposed to just yourself, you need to buckle down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you don't have kids?

No kids, divorce him and do both of yourselves a favor.

We have a 2 year old daughter.

Two years ago you thought enough of him to have a child! I would go to counseling and explain to him things have to change. I couldn't go to a job I hated, he really needs to do something else, or stop complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

I think this mind set is interesting. You say he's a good dad but your plan is to pretty much find replacement family unit as quickly as possible? This new person won't be your child's father.

You're going to be giving up 50 percent of her life. Holidays. He will date and move on and your daughter will have a step-mother. Your daughter might have additional siblings.

I just don't think the main focus here should be how quick you can find a new husband.

I agree. I got divorced, and it wasn't a bed of roses out there. I hate steps and exes for the record. OP's child will probably feel the same then resent the new kids taking their parents attention away. It really sucks. Wait till the holidays come OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you don't have kids?

No kids, divorce him and do both of yourselves a favor.

We have a 2 year old daughter.

Two years ago you thought enough of him to have a child! I would go to counseling and explain to him things have to change. I couldn't go to a job I hated, he really needs to do something else, or stop complaining.

This. You picked a man and had a kid with him. Absent something terrible going on in your marriage, it is best for HER if you stayed married, keep with low conflict, and co-parent well. Divorce isn’t always a fix to happiness. You’d likely end up picking poorly again and headed for another divorce.

[Anonymous]

What is his job? Is there even the possibility of upward mobility or a lateral move with more pay? I ask because, as a healthcare professional, my pay is pretty much maxed out. Maybe another job in the same field may make me happier, but the pay will be the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

I think this mind set is interesting. You say he's a good dad but your plan is to pretty much find replacement family unit as quickly as possible? This new person won't be your child's father.

You're going to be giving up 50 percent of her life. Holidays. He will date and move on and your daughter will have a step-mother. Your daughter might have additional siblings.

I just don't think the main focus here should be how quick you can find a new husband.

Thank you, I have thought this out carefully and am aware of all you write. I think it might be nice for her to have more siblings if he were to remarry, which I would not begrudge at all. She has a father, I wouldn't expect a new husband to be her father. But I think it would be good for her to see a husband wife relationship where the man is respected by the wife.

Good thinking , op! Everybody loves stepdads! (Seriously, though, stepdads are a risk to kids on a population level. Sure, it usually works out ok-ish but their chance of experiencing domestic violence or sexual abuse goes up about forty fold. Don’t be an idiot.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

I think this mind set is interesting. You say he's a good dad but your plan is to pretty much find replacement family unit as quickly as possible? This new person won't be your child's father.

You're going to be giving up 50 percent of her life. Holidays. He will date and move on and your daughter will have a step-mother. Your daughter might have additional siblings.

I just don't think the main focus here should be how quick you can find a new husband.

Thank you, I have thought this out carefully and am aware of all you write. I think it might be nice for her to have more siblings if he were to remarry, which I would not begrudge at all. She has a father, I wouldn't expect a new husband to be her father. But I think it would be good for her to see a husband wife relationship where the man is respected by the wife.

Good thinking , op! Everybody loves stepdads! (Seriously, though, stepdads are a risk to kids on a population level. Sure, it usually works out ok-ish but their chance of experiencing domestic violence or sexual abuse goes up about forty fold. Don’t be an idiot.)

OP seriously? I've worked with families. Most kids do not want steps or the fun process of being shuffled between two homes. The blended family has never worked, it was coined to try and normalize a dysfunctional situation for children. I can't tell you all the various stories I've heard from the kids point of view. They don't like dad's new gf or wife. Or her kids. Or mom's new DH. Maybe they will like him when they are young, but hate him when they are older. This happened to my friend. The daughter and her couldn't stand each other, it became a huge problem in her 2nd marriage.

OP get some therapy with your husband especially since you have a 2 year old.

[Anonymous]

"I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly."

This is absurd, OP. You can't just sub in another "better" guy into your family unit. You can make your own choices but it's not this simple.

Agree with PPs that guys in their late 30s, esp fit and ambitious ones, don't want a woman who has kids.